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Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

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Enewald said:
Both.
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Ok.

Olaus Petrus said:
Aye, Can ye hear the sound of the bagpipes. Ye wee laddies can't resist the Scottish invasion.

Soon there will be taverns in all of Catalonia serving warm beer and deep fried Mars bars.

Now it's good time to invest, because the rude drunkards from the British Isles won't settle just for the Plasencian tourist resorts.
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Not even in your wet dreams, but the other way round.

comagoosie said:
The humiliation continues? Whatever could increase the humiliation? Nah, nevermind, I know, but let's just not talk about it ;)
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Have you heard of the comfy chair?

Even worse than that.

comagoosie said:
What's up with the flag of a tree and a ram. Does that strike fear into the hearts of men?
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Not, it's about the fact that the Scotsman there eat paella. :D
 
Chapter 27, 2nd Season
and ne gelæd þu us on costnunge​


August 1st, 1216.

The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Good Mogning...
Lo Steiner: Shit! This is becoming a recollection of odd accents!
La Inquisidora Fellinatrix de Payans: Inquisitogess, if you don't mind, Mezieg Kurtz.
Lo Steiner: Mmmh... art thou then a servant of the Pope? What is the size of thy wonderbra? Answer first to the third question.
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Third question?
Lo Steiner: Do you known that your bossom can darken the sun?
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Are you nuts? I'm here to burn a heretic!
Lo Steiner: Glad to see that Rome has not lost the old traditions. And who's the fortunate one?
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Someone called KiMaSa.
Lo Steiner: Mmmh, shit.
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: What?
Lo Steiner: We killed them yesterday?
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Why?
Lo Steiner: Debts. He was an awful poker player.
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Do you know that playing cards is a sin?
Lo Steiner: You see? Another reason to hang him. We are holy men.
Peti: Ern...
Lo Steiner: ...and holy dogs, too.
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: I wonder why I'm surprised for the hanging of a heretic and not by a talking dog.
Peti: Because you're as wise a big breasted, my lady Inquisitoress. A pizza?
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Who pays for it?
Peti: Meizer Steiner, of course. He's as generous as...
Lo Steiner: Let's not mention my pen...
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Shut up and bring the pizza!

Meanwhile, king Ramón and queen Douce had another son (no TV that tiem, they had to spent the free time doing something funny, you see...) who was baptized as Pere. He was going to be baptised as "Peter Friederich Michael Otto John François Gonçalo Charles", but, in the last moment, the priest told the proud parent that they were short of Holy Waters from the Jordan river, so they had to cut the name a bit. So Pere (Peter) was the final name. It happens, you see. To make the celebration bigger, his brother Roger was named earl of Salamanca, and send there ASAP.

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Roger that?​

Then the good old German ally had to give an unneeded headache to Catalonia.

Ze German Ambassador: My kingen! Wir haben eine grossen Troublennen!
Lo King Ramón: What the fuss he's saying?
Lo Steiner: Houston, we hafe a problem.
Lo King Ramón: What is a Houston?
Lo Steiner Later, my king, ask me that later on...
Ze German Ambassador: Die Moren haf deklared war zur uns! Achthung!
Lo Steiner: ...baby! Shit! I miss U2 so much... sigh...
Lo King Ramón:: U2?
Lo Steiner: An Irish music group, my king
Lo King Ramón: Irish?
Lo Steiner: Well, they are beer drinkers, too...
Lo King Ramón: Like ze Germans, then?
Lo Steiner: Erm... yessssssss... but in green, my most noble sir...
Ze German Ambassador: Well, in zhort. We hafe those Mohammetiannen hordes wanting to cut our headz, zo... C
Lo King Ramón: Waht the fuss he wants?
Lo Steiner: Us to help them, I guess.
Ze German Ambassador: All in all, que wir haben declared krieg zur die very ugly Moorsmen...
Lo Steiner: I was right...Well, budy, we have a silly problem... we have run out of money, you know...
Ze German Ambassador: Zhit.
Lo Steiner: A clever chap, indeed.

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Suddenly another man appeared. Another priest, Trekaddict thought. "Shit, that proud sob of Olaus doesn't want to receive me himself".

-I'm Comma of Goosie. I'm the most trusted secretary of chancellor Olaus Petrus. He asked me to...

-Is there any reason for that?

-Not really. -That Goosieman was proud. Trekaddict could see that in his voice and his ironic gaze.

Trekaddict didn't reply, but farted in silence.

-I'm here for my son.

-I know. Young Demokratickid.

-He's adopted.

-I know. You raped his mother.

-I thought it was her sister.

-I know. But she doesn't resemble a goat.

-I was in a hurry.

-She too. She thought you were Superman.

-Erm?

-You were wearing your underwear over your pants.

-D'oh!

After a few seconds of embarrased silence.

-I've been told that the king of Aragon do not want to have anything to do with the accusation and put the investigation in charge of the Holy Father in Rome.

-Indeed. It's a very serious issue. Many important families are involved in it. Their prestige, and yours, at stake. A very intimate investigation, thus, is needed.

-I'm here to restore the damage done to my name, my king and my Church.

-Where is your son right now?

-Chained in a dungeon in my castle at Hood-on-the-Shore.

-A prisioner?

-Yes. I've ordered my men to kill him if he tries to get away. He's under close surveillance night and dy - The cold determination of Trekaddict's voice made Comma of Gooise to feel uneasy-. You know who I am. My fame and the glory I've give to our Mother, the Holy Church, gives me the right to ask what is in store for my heir.

-Do you know the charges brought against him?

-All of them.​
 
I need a picture of the as wise as big-breasted Fellinatrix...
 
Murmurandus said:
I need a picture of the as wise as big-breasted Fellinatrix...
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comagoosie said:
seconded!

Anyways, where is this town of Goosie I hear of. I can only imagine that it is a nice and peaceful place where the swans and the hens cluck together ;)
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Cardinal Petrus will deal with your sinful attitude. Both.

Goosie is a lovely place of unknown location, as it inhabitants tended to end treated "a l'Orange". And that hurts.
 
Kurt_Steiner said:
The Inquisitoress Fellinatrix de Payans: Do you know that playing cards is a sin?
Lo Steiner: You see? Another reason to hang him. We are holy men.
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ROFL that was my favourite part . Your wit continues to shower on us like the spring sunlight , Kurt XD Very refreshing !
 
Enewald said:
I want that picture too!
So did Goose rape the mother or sister or someone's goat? :rofl:
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Both.

canonized said:
ROFL that was my favourite part . Your wit continues to shower on us like the spring sunlight , Kurt XD Very refreshing !
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You've to be quick with the Inquisitoress or she'll put you at the stake, you know...
 
Chapter 27, 2nd Season
The sins of our sons​


Meanwhile, to keep the pressure out of his crown, Ramon named her beloved wife, Douce of Savoy, duchess of Zaragoza and countess of Jaca, Zaragoza and Calatayud.

In this measure was, in no short degree, the need of his king and husband to get rid of her, because the lady, as soon as she smelled his man, got pregnant. Thus, as soon as his first son, Fadrique, was born, got pregnant. And, hardly two months had gone since the second child, Ferran, was born, she got pregnant again.

A wonder, indeed. Thus she was sent to Aragon.


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​

Meanwhile, the heir, Fadrique, was named earl of Rosellón, as a first step to have all the old March under the rule of the House of Barcelona. To achieve this, Ramon suggested to his cousin Ramon Berenguer of Urgell, earl of Urgell and of La Mancha, to give up his title of Urgell to the first born of his royal king, in exchange of lands and honours in Castille. Ramon Berenguer, unwilling to forgeit the lands where the fortune of his family started, refused the royal petition. It is true that neither Kurty nor the King were going to keep their promise, but, in that silly way, poor old Ramon Berenguer won to be the first name on the list that Kurt kept to remind himself about people who deserved an axe striking on his neck. Shit happens, you see.

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​

Then came the silly anecdote of the month. And of the whole game, I guess.

Sancha Alfonzes de Borgoña, duchess of Valencia and countess of Denia, Valencia and Mallorca, declared war to Ramón, king of Aragón and earl of Barcelona.

His son, by the way.

Letter of lo rei Ramón to his royal Mother:

Mum!

What the fuss?

Letter of the royal Mother to his son lo rei Ramón:

My son!

What the fuss do you mean with that?

Letter of her son lo rei Ramón to his royal Mother, that is, she:

Mum!

you've declared war to me!

Letter of the royal She, that his, his mother, to his king, lo son Ramón:

My son!

I knew that that name was quite familiar to me...

Well, nothing that the good words of a Kurtynegotiatior and some gold could not solve. The peace was obtained, but Sancha won a place of honour on the mentioned list of axeable people. Shit happens (redux), you see....

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Then, the good young kin Ramón bvecame the Papal Controller and began to consider getting rid of the Navarrese king, whose crown wanted to keep the Castillian King isolated. Two facts avoided that

a) The Papal unwilligness to begin his office time with such a disgusting act.

b) Not having a good candidate to get the crown.

Take it easy, m'lord, as Kurt said to the king.

Then, good news. Good king John of England proposes to become our ally.

King Ramón: -Lackland?

Steiner: -Better Lackland than Lackmoney.

Peti: -Lackadder?

Ramón and Steiner: ...

Peti: What?

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​
-What doest thou think that chancellor Olaus Petrus is going to make for thee? -Comma of Gossie asked.

-Just a few persons are aware of the sins of my son: the king of Catalonia, chancellor Petrus and the Holy Father. Whose else?

-Me.

-Someone else in Rome?

-No one. Not even the Spanish Inquisition.

-There is no Spanish Inquisition!

-Yet.

-Well... this affair may damage too many people, in a direct or indirect way. No one can predict its consequences upon us, upon our enemies and upon the Holy Church. If it is discovered, it could give new hopes and strenght to those who preach against the Pope.

-Indeed. What dost thou propose?

-Let's send this issue to oblivion. Spare my son from the stake. Send him to Asia or the Far East. It won't be the first time that the Pope behaves in such a way. I offer myself in exchange for His piety. I may be too old to offer my sword to a lord, but the Chancellor should keep in mind that I can offer my fortune, my name and my life to the Holy Father.

Comma of Gossie understood very well what those words meant. For a knight, it was equal to selling his soul. The young priest could not avoid feeling a shriek of admiration to that old warrior, who had just surrendered with the dignity of a great lord.

Trekaddict said not a single word. He just farted and went away.

A few moments later, Trekaddict was going out of Letran under the last spoils of light, as the sun died sweetly under the hills of Rome. He had spent the whole day at Letrán, but he had achieved his aim.

A few days later he was called for an interview with the powerful Bishop Olaus Petrus.

​
 
You know Kurt, I worry about you and the farting sometimes.


:D
 
Oi ! A terrible turn of events with the wife there XD

And poor trekaddict and his farts XD
 
English Patriot said:
You know Kurt, I worry about you and the farting sometimes.

:D
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I can't help... no pun intended. The scene was so formal, so polite that I had to do something about it.

And, ey! It was Trekkie who farted, not me!

canonized said:
Oi ! A terrible turn of events with the wife there XD

And poor trekaddict and his farts XD
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Douce is going to have a long life. Sancha is the one who's drove me mad... DoWning (Street) on her own son... So ugly...

comagoosie said:
What are you talking about, I understand nothing :D
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What do you fail to follow? The meleé of mum, wifey and sons or the Trekkiegate?
 
Fart that Mum away and all will be fine...:D
 
Enewald said:
Btw, is farting a sin? :p
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"Thou shall not kill", fine...

"Thou shall not commit adultery", fine...

"Thou shall not steal", fine...

but not a word about

"Thou shall not fart"

mmmh

My Bible doesn't say a word about that...
 
Ah, it's good to see that the mother still cares about his son, the declaration of war was expression of tough love. I haven't got the memo of what were the sins of the son (besides opposing his mother in war), but sometimes rod is needed to discipline even the mightiest of the secular lords.
 
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