Chapter 24, 2nd Season
Fly away (1)
On September 1st, 1204 Artal, earl of Salamanca and of Zamora and owner of the baldest head ever seen in the Catalanic Peninsula wrote the following letter to his lord. The king wasn't pleased by the words of his uncle, by the way, as the letter just said:
"Get lost."
Lo rei Ramon: What does that mean?
Lo Steiner: It's a quite direct way to say that he's no longer your loyal subject...
Lo rei Ramón: I'm speechless... What can I say?
Lo Steiner: Shall I introduce you to von Shaka, my lord?
Lo rey Ramón: Von who?
Lo Steiner: Von Shaka, my lord. Say the words, my dear vonnie:
Lo Steiner: Thank you very much indeed, my good von Shaka. Some day I'll teach you more taboo words...
Thus, in such an unepic way, Zamora and Salamanca become independent and went awy from Aragon. And... which was the reaction of our dear antiheroe, the mighty Kurt, and the Regency Council?
To gather as many elements of persuasion as possible to help good old Artal...
... to return to His Creator.
Fist element of persuasion
As a way to convince possible rebels to think it twice, when Tolouse tried to rebel on December 10th, the city was utterly sacked, devastated and obliged to drink tea and eat fish and chips for six longs months, as a punishment.
Meanwhile, times goeth by -shut up, Sam- and our good and demanding boy became a strong and demanding man.
Lo rei Ramon: Where is the earl of Salamanca? Why is not here, to greet me for my coronation?
Lo Steiner: Because he has turned into a disgusting being...
Lo rei Ramón: Has he become a Frenchman?!?!?!
Lo Steiner: Erm... what? No, no. I said a disgusting being, not a pervert, my lord. No, he talks to no end about a unified country called Spain...
Lo rei Ramon: He's going nuts... when are we going to send him a present? A dagger would do it?
Lo Steiner: I have something betetr in mind, but I like your style, my lord.
The very day when Heinrich von Franken, kaiser of the German Empire, and Ramón, king of Aragon amd lord of the Rings (blame Tolkien for that), while Ramon was being engaged to Helen, the charming daughter of Heinrich, the so called earl Artal of Salamanca died in an odd accident. Its whole inheriantace went to Ramón, as poor good old Artal lacked any male heir.
It is said that, before the earl was found dead in the garden of his castle, some odd words were heard from within his private rooms
Artal: I don' care. I'm a Spamiard and proud of it!
Unknown voice: For Peti's sake, think it twice, Artal...
Artal: I know what I must do.
Unknown voice: Good... good... Artal... erm, a question... Can you tell me who are the traditional founders of Rome?
Artal: Romulus and Remus
Unknown voice: Incredible... you're a wise man... erm... Can you open t his window for me, please?
Artal: Done... next question
Unknown voice: Can thou fly, Artal?
Artal:
WhataaSooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobbb
POM!
Unknown voice: No, he cannot fly. A pity.
Artal, an admirer of the Wright Brothers.
A few days later, Ingiberga de Luna, from one of the ancient and stronger Castillilan families, was accused of being a with by the good old bishop Petrus.
Lo rei Ramon: She cannot be a witch...
Lo Steiner: Why?
Lo rei Ramon: She has two quite nice breasts...
Lo Steiner: True....
Lo Peti: Damned Petrus
Lo rei Ramon: Any clue against her?
Lo Canonized: Erm... no.
Lo rei Ramon: Anything in her favour?
Lo Maccabeus: Her tists?
Lo Steiner: Macca...
Lo rei Ramon: Then?
Lo Steiner: Guilty.
Lo rei Ramon: WTF?
Lo von Shaka: Hey! You're stolen me my line!
Lo Steiner: We must please the Pope...
Thus dona Ingiberta went to the stake, for greater glory of the Lord, of the mighty Mother Church and of Aragon. It seems that her heressy was made of four words:
The Pope is Ugly
While we must concede that the Pope Comma Goosie, of the Goosie clan, was quite hard to look at, it was into a question of not angering Rome. However, there is no problem that a good barbacoa cannot settle.
(1) Dedicated to Lenny Krawitz