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Kurt_Steiner said:
...


As I use to say, Peti is the clever of the two. :D

Now that explains a lot... :p :D
 
Enewald said:
:confused:
Dow the frencj? ;)

No.

I'll crush them, rule them, squash them. And then, I'll give them a Catalan king, to teach them to speak correctly.

:D

Enewald said:
And how did that small boy inherit minus 2300 gold? :D

Wars and crusades aren't cheap...

Murmurandus said:
Now that explains a lot... :p :D

You see?

All makes sense, I told you.
 
Kurt_Steiner said:
Now you side with them?!?!?!?!?!

Good, good... Peti, write this down.

"Cardinal Petrus offers himself for a deadly mission with NO chance AT ALL of survival."
yyevilgrin0007.gif


Got it?

Right, good dog, take a pizza.

The pizza, damn it! My hand isn't included in it!

My dear Steiner, from the point of view of the Holy Roman Church it's important that Christians rule the City of Our Lord. And after all, it was the Franks who liberated Jerusalem and not the Catalans, so they should get the praise. Although we also give some praise for the deeds of the Catalans in the Holy Land.
 
Chapter 23, 2nd Season
Why...?

A cold day of January 11th of the year of the Lord of 1209 Ramon was made king of Aragon and Portugal, the first of that name, being 13 years old at that time. He inherited not only a kingdom in bankrupcy, but also a loyal servant, Kurt Steiner, a good good, Peti, and a charming babysitter, dona Natàlia. Once the Regency Council was settled, the lords of the realm decided to get rid of three royal characters that may become, with time, a suitable nuisance. As killing them was out of the question, the two borthers of the king, Artal (11 years old) and Alfòns (9 years old) were made earls of Salamanca and Lissabon. As their mother, the Dowager Queen Constanza Jimena, was not quite happy nor quiet, he was given her own domain: Ascalon. Had been Peking discovered at that time and a Catalan dominion, she would have send there, no doubt. It was a mistake, as time would show, because the Castillian lady, being 30 years at that time, had a strong personality.

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As the three of them weren't quite happy, Constance was given the lordship of Jaffa (it is said that she coinded the expression "Jaffa, kree!", of unknown meaning for us) and Beersheba, while Alfons and Artal got, Alcacer do Sal and Zamora, in order to, in some distant future, to make them kings of Portugal and León.

Then... the mighty Pope had a brilliant idea!

Felix.gif

My Lord, don't send me again on Crusading...​

And it was a crusade!

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Lo rei Ramon: What is a crusade?
Lo Steiner: A chance to conquer something, provided that the Froggies don't get mixed...
Lo rei Ramón: What is a Froggie?
Lo Steiner: Erm...

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Lo Steiner: Thou asketh, and thou wereth answereth...

Lo rei Ramón: Froggies are ugly, indeed...
Lo Steiner: Erm... One... two.. three...
Lo Peti: And what do we have to free this time?
Lo Steiner: Alexandria.
Lo rei Ramon: And where is Alexandría?
Lo Steiner: In Egypt.
Lo rei Ramon: And where is Egypt?
Lo Steiner: Wikipedia! My kingdom for a darned wikipedia!

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Go and ask thy mother, my king​

As things were, Steiner and the Regency council decided that it was not safe to risk the sunk economy of the kingdom going on crusading to Alexandria. Anyway, the French would arrive first, so... why bother?

Then it was also decided that dona Natàlia would provide care for the young king, as the hair of Steiner were going grey wich each question made by the charming boy.

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Lo rei Ramon: Steiner, what has dona Natàlia under her robes?
Lo Steiner: What?
Lo rei Ramón: You don't have it, either, nor I. I mean those two round forms over their...
Lo Steiner: I see... were is Cardinal Petrus when one really needs him!
Lo Peti: What is a Petrus?
Lo Steiner: I won't answer this question if my lawyer isn't here.
Lo rei Ramon: And what is a lawyer?
Lo Steiner: When thou have a problem, instead of solving you thyself, thou call a lawyer. Then, instead of having the trouble sorted out in five minutes, thou spent five years and hundreds of pounds in that trouble.
Lo rei Ramon: What is trouble?
Lo Steiner: What thou art going to have if thou don't shut up right now, my king!

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Cardinal Petrus questioning dona Natàlia why she has to wear like that.
Dona Natàlia answering that because he got all the red robes available in the kingdom​
 
ROFL Jaffa Kree . Good one XD ! I love it !
 
Enewald said:
Hmm, why red robes? So that you don't see the blood flowing on it? :D

A wise young king.

Because the Spanish Inquisition wouldn't be the same wearing pink robes, you see...

Spanish.gif


canonized said:
ROFL Jaffa Kree . Good one XD ! I love it !

Sam Carter deserved this little poetic effort...
 
If Steiner is relying on Wikipedia, I fear for the Kingdom... ;) :D
 
Murmurandus said:
If Steiner is relying on Wikipedia, I fear for the Kingdom... ;) :D

Indeed, but Steiner was under pressure and needed something. He should have remember the Encyclopædia Britannica, but, you know... Thank God he didn't asked for a Playboy magazine...

comagoosie said:
:rofl:

Just think if those barbarians got wikipedia, imagine what they would do with it :eek: :D

The French? They are to afraid of being conquered, and the Britons have too fresh in their momery the last backslash in Italy. The Muslims are a bit cultured, so, I've got run of Barbarians, as the USA haven't been discovered yet. :D
 
Promising young king we have. With right kind of education he could be a good man. Crusade is a great way to teach for young king how to be a good Christian. Only heretics refuse to take the cross.
 
Olaus Petrus said:
Promising young king we have. With right kind of education he could be a good man. Crusade is a great way to teach for young king how to be a good Christian. Only heretics refuse to take the cross.

Good idea. Therefore, nothwistanding the good advice reciveid and knowing too well how pressed in their theological duty are, for the power that the Lord send me to rule this are, from now on, Cardinal Petrus and bishop Canonized shall be the tutors of the young king Ramon.

God help us, but specially them. Otherwise I'll have their heads. :D
 
Kurt_Steiner said:
Good idea. Therefore, nothwistanding the good advice reciveid and knowing too well how pressed in their theological duty are, for the power that the Lord send me to rule this are, from now on, Cardinal Petrus and bishop Canonized shall be the tutors of the young king Ramon.

God help us, but specially them. Otherwise I'll have their heads. :D

So Long as after I put on my clerical garments I can say "FORM , BLAZING CROZIER !" and defeat muslims that way .
 
Chapter 24, 2nd Season
Fly away (1)

On September 1st, 1204 Artal, earl of Salamanca and of Zamora and owner of the baldest head ever seen in the Catalanic Peninsula wrote the following letter to his lord. The king wasn't pleased by the words of his uncle, by the way, as the letter just said:

"Get lost."

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Lo rei Ramon: What does that mean?
Lo Steiner: It's a quite direct way to say that he's no longer your loyal subject...
Lo rei Ramón: I'm speechless... What can I say?
Lo Steiner: Shall I introduce you to von Shaka, my lord?
Lo rey Ramón: Von who?
Lo Steiner: Von Shaka, my lord. Say the words, my dear vonnie:

Dibujo.jpg

Lo Steiner: Thank you very much indeed, my good von Shaka. Some day I'll teach you more taboo words...

Thus, in such an unepic way, Zamora and Salamanca become independent and went awy from Aragon. And... which was the reaction of our dear antiheroe, the mighty Kurt, and the Regency Council?

To gather as many elements of persuasion as possible to help good old Artal...

... to return to His Creator.

350px-Fairbairn-Sykes_knife.jpg

Fist element of persuasion​

As a way to convince possible rebels to think it twice, when Tolouse tried to rebel on December 10th, the city was utterly sacked, devastated and obliged to drink tea and eat fish and chips for six longs months, as a punishment.

Meanwhile, times goeth by -shut up, Sam- and our good and demanding boy became a strong and demanding man.


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Lo rei Ramon: Where is the earl of Salamanca? Why is not here, to greet me for my coronation?
Lo Steiner: Because he has turned into a disgusting being...
Lo rei Ramón: Has he become a Frenchman?!?!?!
Lo Steiner: Erm... what? No, no. I said a disgusting being, not a pervert, my lord. No, he talks to no end about a unified country called Spain...
Lo rei Ramon: He's going nuts... when are we going to send him a present? A dagger would do it?
Lo Steiner: I have something betetr in mind, but I like your style, my lord.

350px-V-42_Stiletto.jpg

From Aragon, with love.​

The very day when Heinrich von Franken, kaiser of the German Empire, and Ramón, king of Aragon amd lord of the Rings (blame Tolkien for that), while Ramon was being engaged to Helen, the charming daughter of Heinrich, the so called earl Artal of Salamanca died in an odd accident. Its whole inheriantace went to Ramón, as poor good old Artal lacked any male heir.

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It is said that, before the earl was found dead in the garden of his castle, some odd words were heard from within his private rooms

Artal: I don' care. I'm a Spamiard and proud of it!
Unknown voice: For Peti's sake, think it twice, Artal...
Artal: I know what I must do.
Unknown voice: Good... good... Artal... erm, a question... Can you tell me who are the traditional founders of Rome?
Artal: Romulus and Remus
Unknown voice: Incredible... you're a wise man... erm... Can you open t his window for me, please?
Artal: Done... next question
Unknown voice: Can thou fly, Artal?
Artal: WhataaSooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobbb

POM!

Unknown voice: No, he cannot fly. A pity.

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Artal, an admirer of the Wright Brothers.​

A few days later, Ingiberga de Luna, from one of the ancient and stronger Castillilan families, was accused of being a with by the good old bishop Petrus.

Lo rei Ramon: She cannot be a witch...
Lo Steiner: Why?
Lo rei Ramon: She has two quite nice breasts...
Lo Steiner: True....
Lo Peti: Damned Petrus
Lo rei Ramon: Any clue against her?
Lo Canonized: Erm... no.
Lo rei Ramon: Anything in her favour?
Lo Maccabeus: Her tists?
Lo Steiner: Macca...
Lo rei Ramon: Then?
Lo Steiner: Guilty.
Lo rei Ramon: WTF?
Lo von Shaka: Hey! You're stolen me my line!
Lo Steiner: We must please the Pope...

Thus dona Ingiberta went to the stake, for greater glory of the Lord, of the mighty Mother Church and of Aragon. It seems that her heressy was made of four words:

The Pope is Ugly​

While we must concede that the Pope Comma Goosie, of the Goosie clan, was quite hard to look at, it was into a question of not angering Rome. However, there is no problem that a good barbacoa cannot settle.

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(1) Dedicated to Lenny Krawitz
 
Haha wow , The Pope is Ugly haha what a great line !
 
The Holy Roman Church has come to a conclusion that Artal committed suicide, like Judas, because his betrayal against the God's natural order was too much for him. No further investigation is needed.

Haha wow , The Pope is Ugly haha what a great line !

That is most foul heresy. It's even worse than Pelagianism, Arianism and Catharism combined.
 
Haha wow , The Pope is Ugly haha what a great line !

I stole it from Shakespeare, I must say.

The Holy Roman Church has come to a conclusion that Artal committed suicide, like Judas, because his betrayal against the God's natural order was too much for him. No further investigation is needed.

Most wise decision, indeed.

That is most foul heresy. It's even worse than Pelagianism, Arianism and Catharism combined.

Shall I prepare the stake for bishop Canonized, my dear Cardinal?:D
 
We must please the pope indeed...:eek: