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Thread: Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

  1. #461
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    Gosh , you really internalised Dante's journey there at the last moment if you get my drift XD . Terrible but delicious at the same time XD
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  2. #462
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    Quote Originally Posted by comagoosie
    Stupid Kurtz, going away like that

    Poor canonized, if only he could see past

    And I don't think living with satan is a good thing
    You know, when you're in a hurry, you're in a hurry...

    About Canonized... he could see past, but I don't think that Olaus would be happy with a big hole on his belly. It might hurt.

    About living with Satan, I'm cannot say. I'm still single.

    So no mother in law with me, sorry.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    Hej!
    Now fair!
    I want my underwear back!
    You're still wearing it, but we are still undecided about its nature.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    So the Kurtz is the evil one, now our voyage to find the true evil continues, and the king has gotten one tittle more.
    Medieval life can suck sometimes.
    Not, your voyage and Kurtz's trip are just two coincidences in time. Let me remind you that Cardinal Petrus and Judas already tried to kill Steiner -me? him? her? it? us?- and to no avail.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    Why are we all standing behind Olaus, why can none of us see this white creature?
    Why? Because fo a quite sensitive reason. What if, instead this apparently unharmful creature, the king finds a Godzilla-like monster? Who else but our mighty Cardinal could defeat it by getting eaten and then poisoning the beast from within?

    He has leaded the whole Hell-Expedition!!!! Let him take a look on the lady first! Allow him a moment of relax!

    He's going to need it... Remember... The Murmy is comming...

    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    Gosh , you really internalised Dante's journey there at the last moment if you get my drift XD . Terrible but delicious at the same time XD
    Let me tell you a secret:

    I had no ******** idea how to end it -several ideas about it- so, I used the Steiner technique, that is:

    -I began to wrote the chapter as I had more or less in my mind and when I got the crucial moment... I asked Peti for advice and he answered me:

    -Growl, burff, gaff, yumm, ñam.

    Dunno why, but I can't understand him with his mouth full with pizza. It sounds like Chewbacca, trust me.

    So I opted for the less silly idea. The other option was Satan having a hareem. Should I tell who were going to be Satan's concubines?

    Indeed, Myth and Discomb, of course. The rest of you were going to be the belly dancers.
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  3. #463
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    That is very cruel from Cardinal Petrus!

  4. #464
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    I must express my disgust that Kurt has left this vile creature of Hell in the Court to distract our most noble and Christian king from the path of virtue and True Faith.

    As you can see I'm not happy about this developement:
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

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  5. #465
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    When did your hair become gray?

    We must drive Kurtz into Kurdistan!

  6. #466
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    That is very cruel from Cardinal Petrus!
    Cruel would be to change his underwear with yours...

    Quote Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus
    I must express my disgust that Kurt has left this vile creature of Hell in the Court to distract our most noble and Christian king from the path of virtue and True Faith.
    I must express my happy happynessitic happiness caused by the fact that my good Cardinal and me have some common Tudors to increase our links. BTW, I've seen Wolsey's end today. Gruesome, to say the least. Ahistorical, to say the rest.

    I promise that my good Cardinal Petrus won't end as our good Vicar of Hell.

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    When did your hair become gray?

    We must drive Kurtz into Kurdistan!
    Kurtzistan, do you mean?
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  7. #467
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    I'll be back...
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  8. #468
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    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus
    I'll be back...
    Embalmed, wrapped with strips of white linen and eager to ennact revenge from those who made you become



    THE MURMY!!!!




    PD: Now the Murmy is undergoing a process of "restorarion" to his former beauty (whichever it was...) in the Queen Hotsy Totsy's Eterna Juventud Health Clinic Center in Las Vegas.
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  9. #469
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    The Book of Deeds or

    Nobody ever expects the Sp...

    An Intermezzo, actually

    Well, kindof...

    or... Blame the video star for this mad update...

    To celebrate 10,000 views. Thank you all, chaps.


    "So?" - A voice could be heard in the dark room.

    The lady just turned his head slightly, leaving the dark rain of her hair to slip slowly over her shoulders and back.



    -Oh, it's you... -she answered, showing a bit of boredom.

    -"Oh, it's you", she says -Steiner said-. Here comes your Master, after getting you out of some nasty place and into the most magnificient court of Europe and you just say "Oh, it's you". Amazing.

    -Hey Peti -the Brunette said, smiling happily to the dog. Peti just forgot about the pizza to run to the lady, to enjoy the touch of her hands.

    "Damned traitor" -Steiner thought. Just the idea of doing like Peti, that is, to lay on his back with that charming lady over him made him wondered about getting rid of his usual coldness but... there was work to do.

    -Give me your impressions of my fellows here.

    She looked at him in a quite strange way, with the lips turned into an enigmatic smile while the eyes remain unmoved.

    -The first man I've noticed is Judas Maccabeus. A quite interesting fellow, if I may say. Quite attractive but with some fixation about killing you.


    The so called Maccabeus, Judas. But not the one related with a Tree.


    -It comes from ... well, it's a long story, you could say.

    -I see. In fact, he considers his Holy duty to make the world rid of you. Not bad for a half-Scottish, he'll do it for free.

    Steienr wasn't quite in the mood for jokes, but Peti let go big grin -full of pizza, by the way- and added some music of his own.

    Some minutes later, after opening all the available windows and a severe lecture about modals to the furriest dog ever born, Steiner turned to his aid-de-camp and asked.

    -What about Cardinal Petrus? Does he think that I'm as unworthy as he maintains?


    His Humble and Holy Holyness. Because he's a Holy Good Fellow, because he's a Holy Good Felkow...


    -Not at all. He considers you worth of all his efforts about killing you. Again, it's a kind of Holy Quest. However, I cannot understand his fixation about ladies.

    -Against ladies, you mean... As far as I know it's something that comes from behind...

    -Is he gay?

    Steiner paused a few seconds -enough not to laugh- and explained himself. In short, Steiner thought that Petrus' unpassion about ladies was caused in some moment of his infancy.

    -Freud again, master?

    -No.

    -No?

    -No, this time it's Sid Vicious' theory.

    She hurried to go after the next member of the band:


    Enewald, the man with no underwear. You know why? Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on!!!! Woof, woof, woof!



    -The man called Enewald. It's quite odd.

    -No, he isn't odd. He's from Finland, that's why... Ok, ok, stop looking at me like that I'll stop making silly jokes.


    The lady, wondering about what to do about Kurty's jokes. Would poison do the job?


    -You can't help. As Peti is fated to fart, you fated to... to whatever.... In short, he's too in a quest. As far as I've gathered, he's searching for his underwear.

    -I know. He's going to be unable to find it.

    -Why?

    -Because I gave it to Peti to play.

    Both Peti and the lady kept their breaths for a second, and then thought about something different.

    -He's quite interested on swords, by the way.

    -I hope he manages to be the difference between a sword and a chair, though...

    -Why?

    -Because if he doesn't, he's going to have trouble to sit.

    -For God's sake! -the lady and the dog shouted at the same time.

    -Then we have the next fellow: Comagoosie, a psycopathic poet... he kills his victims by reading them his poems, the bastard...


    Georgie Porgie , pudding and pie;
    Kissed the girls and made them cry...


    -What a sob... -Peti said, clearly impressed.

    -I agree with Peti. Even Robin Williams isn't so viciously sadic, so utterly remorseless, so damnable...

    -The actor or the singer? -the lady asked, trully amused.

    -Both. Next fellow?

    -The one called Murmurandus. It has vanished after having an accident with a razor while shaving... the report doesn't said which part of his body.


    Clearly, he nedeed a shave.


    -D'oh! -Steiner and Peti said at the same time.

    -He was quite fond of swords, too... Next one is the charming fellow called Canonized.


    Canonized, in a quite gay (no pun intended) mood (1)

    -Do you like him?

    -I do, indeed. He has something that makes him better than you, Master.

    -What? -Steiner said, while his head, in the dark, flushed with anger.

    -He has not your passion for bad jokes, thank God.

    -Gotcha.

    -Thank you... finally, there is that odd being... AlexanderPrimus, I think it's his name.


    Ginme the money...


    -He's not odd, he's from...

    -From Finland, like Enewald?

    Steiner wondered about whether that was a joke or not. Then he decided to ignore it and finished the sentence:

    -From another AAR, so to say...

    She mused about this point and was going to say something when a sudden noise broke the spell. Both turned around and saw an odd being, wrapped with strips of white linen and whispering.

    -I'm bbbbbbbbbbbbback... I'm the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmur..... I'm the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmur.... I'm the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmurmy!!!!


    The Murmy! And it's back!


    Steiner was shocked.

    The Lady was shocked.

    Peti was eating a pizza.

    -I'm the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmurmy, yes and I'm back to take revenge on those who gave me the damned razor, mwahahahahahahaha!!!!! I'm going to do with you something worse than dying in the most vicious way!!!!

    -He's going to take us to see Pedro Almodovar's film, I bet -the lady whispered.

    -Hey, odd and strange fellow, thou, the Murmy, that comes from the other side of... of... of wherever the Murmies come... I'm awfully sorry to dissapoint thee, but, about the razor... sorry, but it wasn't me -Steiner said.

    The Murmy stopped his crawling towards Steiner and, after a second of thought answered:

    -Oh, sorry then. Excuse the interruption and have a good night.

    Then the Murmy vanished.

    -Who do you think gave the razor to this poor soul?

    Then Steiner removed his big cap and the shadows lifted from his face. She allowed a gasp of horror and asked:

    -What has happened to your face? You're horrible!

    -Do you know what happens when you don't look properly to a seemingly distant abyss?

    -Erm... no?

    -That you, unless you know to fly, you need a new body. Never happened to thee, my lady?

    -No... -the lady answered before paying attention to Steiner's look-. What the frock are you looking at!?!

    -A part of thy body, my lady.

    -Which one? -she asked, quite worried by Steiner's sudden interest.

    -The one above thy belly and under thy chin...

    -You dirty....


    I can't take my eyes of you, as the song saith...

    Really...


    Outside, a black adder was searching for his little minions.

    (1) In the beginning of this, Canonized was going to have another pic -Peter O'Toole playing pope Paul III in The Tudors, but he would have looked older than Petrus, and would make no sense.
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  10. #470
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    Hahahaha. Tjhat was so mean!

    Yes, we all are mad.
    but why, oh why, do I never find my underwears in this aar, just because I am from Finland?

    Olaus has underwears too, right?

    And my hair is a lot longer, my nose bigger, my skin darker and I not that shot.

  11. #471
    Roman LibrAARian comagoosie's Avatar
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    -Then we have the next fellow: Comagoosie, a psycopathic poet... he kills his victims by reading them his poems, the bastard...
    Not me!

    haha, something about that last picture gets me...

    I never imagined canonized so hairy...and purple.
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  12. #472
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    Hahahaha. Tjhat was so mean!
    Thank you...

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    Yes, we all are mad.
    but why, oh why, do I never find my underwears in this aar, just because I am from Finland?
    No, but because Peti has them. Ask him.

    Or, as the note on the pic says, "Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Enewald
    Olaus has underwears too, right?
    He's a Holy Man, for God's Sake! I wouldn't dare to look under the robes of a Holy Man!

    Or of a man, at all.

    Quote Originally Posted by comagoosie
    haha, something about that last picture gets me...
    The burning fire on the background, I bet...

    Quote Originally Posted by comagoosie
    I never imagined canonized so hairy...and purple.
    Neither he did...
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  13. #473
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    ROFL ROFL Oh Kurt , I love your parodies and roasts .

    One of these days all of us will roast you !

    Excellent XD . And gosh , the bishops' garb of purple and i'm in such a gay mood =( You are definitely scathing in your hilarity XD I love it ! And somehow I will now imagine everyone you mentioned in their pictures and descriptions ! haha
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  14. #474
    Crusader for Fun and Profit Murmurandus's Avatar
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    Am I cool or what...

    ... and shaving is indeed very dangerous...
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  15. #475
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    I see that our good Mr Steiner has developed "The Tudors" fixation.

    And to explain our God given mission, I answer truthfully the following:

    THERE was in the days of Alfons, the king of Aragon, a certain priest named Petros who had a dream from the God. In that vision two-headed snake was slowly poisoning the roots of a great Oak tree and the tree died. Petros went to meet Lord Pope and told him his dream. Lord Pope and all his Cardinals discussed about this prophecy and prayed that Our Lord would give them guidance. After forty days of prayers and fasting the Holy Ghost filled them and they understood the prophecy.

    Lord Pope explained to the priest Petros, that two-headed snake symbolized union of Samael, whom we call Steiner, and his harlot Lilith. Together they planned poisoning the great Oak tree that was the Kingdom of Aragon.

    By giving this dream to priest Petros, Our Lord and Saviour gave special grace to him. Cheerfully Petros accepted mission from Lord Christ to castrate this Samael, so that he can't continue his unholy line with the harlot Lilith.
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

    -Iesus Nazarenus

  16. #476
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    One of these days all of us will roast you !
    If I don't roast you all first...

    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    Excellent XD . And gosh , the bishops' garb of purple and i'm in such a gay mood =( You are definitely scathing in your hilarity XD I love it ! And somehow I will now imagine everyone you mentioned in their pictures and descriptions ! haha
    That's the idea...

    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus
    ... and shaving is indeed very dangerous...
    Specially if you do it with your eyes closed, trust me. Never do it, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus
    I see that our good Mr Steiner has developed "The Tudors" fixation.
    Actually, it's a more complex fixation. The learned reader will discover it soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus
    By giving this dream to priest Petros, Our Lord and Saviour gave special grace to him. Cheerfully Petros accepted mission from Lord Christ to castrate this Samael, so that he can't continue his unholy line with the harlot Lilith.
    I don't mind that good Petros has a mission of its own.

    I don't mind that good Petros wants to save Aragon from whatever he considers dangerous.

    But.. castration?

    In short: keep your hands out of Steiner's balls!!!!!
    Fan número uno de Ailee para el resto de la eternidad y un poco más.
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  17. #477
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    21th Chapter, 2nd Season

    France

    Why God invented France?

    Why?!?!


    After the demise of Portugal, the king of Navarre tried to put himself in safe by asking an alliance with Aragon, Son of Arathorn, erm... sorry... the kingdom of Aragon. This proposal caused no few laughs in Barcelona. Thus, it was no surprise when, on the second day of september of the Year of the Lord of 1204 the Navarrese delegation returned to Tudela amidst the most audible scorn ever heard above the Land of the Lord.



    However, peace wasn't going to last. The Pope was bored, so he decided to go on picnic. And, you know, fellow reader, that the usual medieval picninc of the Pope was to Jerusalem. Alàs! the Holy City was on Infidel hands so, something had to be done about it. The Pope, a holy man, asked to Cardinal Petrus, a jolly man, what to do. Cardinal Petrus then asked to Bishop Canonized about the same issue, and my good Bishop replied about what to send Oprah Winfrey to punish the Muslim hordes.

    The Pope: Perfect!
    Petrus: Wonderful!
    Canonized: Really?
    Peti Niebla -the furriest dog ever seen-: Indeed, but... a pity that we'll need to wait around nine centuries for she to be born.
    The three holy men: Damn...
    The Pope: Then it's settled. Deus Vult!
    Petrus: This trick...
    The Pope: I know it has been done before, but.. do you have any better solution?
    Petrus: Canonized?
    Canonized: Judas?
    Judas Maccabeus: Von Shaka?



    You see, for lack of better ideas, the Christain world went on Crusading. Kings, of course. Alfons of Aragon wasn't quite keen on the idea, but his noblemen and burgers were indeed. Thus, it wasn't a question of going of not going, but, of course, of getting used to the idea of sweating in the Holy Land for the lord or getting labelled as the worst impious coward of the whole Chirstendom. Then, Alfons consulted with his most trusted member of the Royal Council

    King Alfòns: We should depart to those lands, methinks...
    PetiNiebla: Indeed, my lord.
    King Alfòns: We must free... we must free... What the hell do we have to free?
    PetiNiebla: We'll get that info along the way, my lord.
    Steiner: What the Bing Crosby are you doing, my king, takling with a dog instead of me!!
    King Alfòns: Oh... I thought that you did not use to wear a beard, but... I should have knew it. Peti's advices were too sound.



    Then, the kingdom was put in order, leaving the queen to rule the country while the older king was away, with Dona Natàlia, Steiner's protegée, to help the queen.


    Steiner: Perhaps she's gonna need me, my king
    King Alfòns: In your most wet dreams perhaps. Now get your sword and your armor and come to the Holy Land. Hurry up, man!
    Steiner: Shit...
    Peti: Shit! There is no armour bigger enough for me!
    Steiner: Tanks are not yet invented, Peti.
    Peti: What a sob...


    It was a long issue. It wasn't till August 1208 that the Catalan crusader get to the HOly land, conquering, that month, Ascalon, after a quite short and boring battle.

    Steiner: My lord...
    Alfòns): My loyal servant..
    Steiner: Are you not, right now, the Papal controller?
    Alfòns: That's me, my loyal servant. Why doest thou ask it?
    Steiner: Then control him, what the heck! See in what a desert are we sunk because of that very son of a ... of a... of a Catholic mother.



    Then, the sulatanate of Kwarzo... erm,... of Kwarzimi... erm... of Khwarizmian declared war upon the most Catholic king Alfòns.

    Alfòns: Khwarwhat?
    Steiner: Khwarizmian.
    Alfòns: What is that?
    Peti: A new kind of pizza?



    On tje way to Jerusalem they stormed Jaffa on September 23th (they could have done it on Spetember 11th, but something in that date didn't look quite right). Then, when they were ready to bring down the walls of Jerusalem, to storm the city and to do the usual massacre... then came the f****** French and free the city. Uh, all the effort and piety devoted for a good cause sent packing.

    It goes without saying that my lord Kurtz Steinerz, the king and Peti, and all of the Catalan crusaders, were quite upset by the good luck of their neighbours. Alfòns, allways a sportman, congratulated the French commander and then poisoned him. Steiner, not so friendly, was on the verge to declare war upon France here and there. (1).



    Such was the pain that this disaster causedm that the most Holy Christian king Alfòns el Magnànim died two days later, after sixty-four years of ruling his kingdom with piety and a fist of iron. The heir, Ramón, 13 years old, was the new king.



    Steiner's rage almost dried all the Mediterranean sea, trust me, my fellow reader.

    (1) No kidding. I almost did it.
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 01-11-2008 at 12:36.
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  18. #478
    Field Marshal Olaus Petrus's Avatar
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    Ah, it is most fitting to see that most pious nation of the Franks, which was once converted to the Apostolic faith by the glorious deeds of Saint Remigius* and who have ever since vigorously defended the true faith against the heathens; Charles Martel defeated heathens in Tours, Charlemagne and his knight Roland fought against the heathens in Spain; now liberate the City of Our Lord!


    *Some of you want to interrupt me and say that: "Good Cardinal surely you have made a mistake, not because you're evil man but because you're just a mortal man like rest of us and errare humanum est. The Apostle of France was Saint Denis (the Menace) and not Saint Rémi." To them I answer: "My dear child, I am guided by the Holy Ghost and my words are most truthful in this matter. I have forgiven and pray for God that He forgives your sinful accusations against me, his loyal servant. So let me correct your mistakes, like a loving teacher. Saint Denis is Apostle of (Astérix) the Gaul, while it was Saint Rémi de Reims who babtized Clovis and the Franks."
    "Reddite ergo quae sunt Caesaris Caesari et quae sunt Dei Deo."

    -Iesus Nazarenus

  19. #479
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    ROFL A new kind of pizza !! Peti is hilarious as usual ! Amazing update , Kurt XD
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  20. #480
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by Olaus Petrus
    Ah, it is most fitting to see that most pious nation of the Franks, which was once converted to the Apostolic faith by the glorious deeds of Saint Remigius* and who have ever since vigorously defended the true faith against the heathens; Charles Martel defeated heathens in Tours, Charlemagne and his knight Roland fought against the heathens in Spain; now liberate the City of Our Lord!
    Now you side with them?!?!?!?!?!

    Good, good... Peti, write this down.

    "Cardinal Petrus offers himself for a deadly mission with NO chance AT ALL of survival."

    Got it?

    Right, good dog, take a pizza.

    The pizza, damn it! My hand isn't included in it!

    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    ROFL A new kind of pizza !! Peti is hilarious as usual ! Amazing update , Kurt XD
    As I use to say, Peti is the clever of the two.
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