Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

The odd being, half man, half snake, was sitting behind a big rock, where one could red:

"Hell Park - Enter here to your eternal damnation"

Lost in his thougts, the hellish being was looking at an odd box from which arose a cold light. After muttering some comments, that being clicked a strange object, filled with little button, that was placed in front of the box. The being, who looked quite furious, muttered:

-Why the heck we had to install the Windows XP system, if the 95 worked so finely? Oh shit, it has crashed again!

One of the winged devils asked him, then:

-Shall I call one of the Technical Service, Minos?

-No way, man. I throw the last on to the Malgebolge five minutes ago...

-Erm -comagoosie wispered -Just press the enter button -as the devil looked at him in a quite bewildered way, he added- yes, the big key, on the right.

Click.

-It works!!! -Minos shouted- What the fly! What a record! Fine, fine, very fine!

-Erm... we just wanted some info - Canonized began to articulate.

-Some info, he says! -Minos shouted, while laughing like a maddevil. Then, he used his tail to take our brave explorers and throw them into the abyss- To hell with you! Wide open are the gates of hell to you! That's all you need to know!!!! -and turning to the cue of sinners who awaited their fates, he shouted - The next one!

They were the Dalton brothers. Then Minos realized his mistake and called of the Devil winged legions to hunt for the intruders he had let go in.

Meanwhile, after a quite hard landing, our heroes got the the second circle, the one filled with rappist, sex-starved beings and more people like that, as, for instance, Michael Douglas, who wasn't there, yet, but had an honour place, hardly conquered after Basic Instinct. In the very second the got there, they were almost raped, so, to avoid such a fate, our heroes did the most unexpected thing:

To run away. Thus they came to the thrid Circle, devoted to Gluttony and things like that. It was raining (shit, by the way) and our heroes were sunk in mud til their knees, when Cardinal Petrus came, smiling like a madman, to tell them he had found some info. They had to got to the "Citá di Ditte", in the fifth "quinto Circolo". A man called Cianno has told him so.

So there they went...

--

February saw the defeat of the English rebels, as the earl of Bedford was the first one to surrender to the new king. Alfons, relieved of not having to go to England, disbanded his expeditionary force and began to take care of his kingdoms.


One of his first actions was to ensure the rule of the Crowm upon the Balearic islands. Thus he created for himself the Dukedom of those islands, to keep an eye on them. Then, news from Castille came to Barcelona. The king had died, and a boy of ten, Manuel of Borgoña, had reached the throne.

Few things about him could be said, but he was a devoted Catholic.

So devoted that Canonized looked as an heretic.

So devoted that even the Pope feared him. Thus the Pope asked for Catalan protection. So far, so good.


Then a problem arose. And with it, the chance for glory. In one of its razzias, some Muslims lords had conquered Salamanca,where now ruled Khalelm, former sheik of la Mancha, defeated by Alfonso.


As Alfons became the new Papal Controller ("I have the power!!!!" - "No, you don't, shut up, He-man, and go to your game"), the lord of Salamanca began a war against Portugal.

And, to Alfons bemused surprised, the mouse was eating alive the cat.


Thus the Portugese king asked for help.

Something had to be done...

canonized said:

ROFL gosh . Hell should definitely upgrade their OS XD . Minos having trouble with his computer and then sending the tech support to the malebolge ROFL genius ! Let me guess , false counselors ? XD

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They're using all their money in improving the infraestructure... About Minos... he's a terrible character...

comagoosie said:

They just got XP . Why don't they have vista? They could download some cool gadgets such as the automatic torturer.

The VISA had not enough funds

comagoosie said:

also why is it unexpected to run away from a rapist?

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Because, as they are the heroes, the mighty warriors, they should have faced them, defeated them, crushed them, massacred them, married them. Erm, wait, not that, not married them. Too gruesome. But no one expects a heroe to run away, I would think.

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Our heroes had just entered the 6th circle, the one reserved to heretics beings and some other bad thinker souls when, suddenly, a form that resembled a body rose from one of the ghostly pits, among a thunder of flames and fury, and asked to Cardinal Petrus in the following way:

-Do you have a fag, boy?

From a nearer pit a dark voice rumbled:

-Blasted Epicurean being! Smoking is gonna kill ya!

-Who's talking about smoking this time!-replied the first form.

Just in case, Petrus et al rushed as fast as possible. On the way, they could see some empty pits with a "For rent" advertisement haging over them through an invisible magic. Nearer to the end of the way, they could hear some voices singing:

-Areh Krishna, areh, areh ommmmmmmmmmmmm...

Thus in this hurried way, they found themselves in the Seventh Circle, the one filled with Dictators, Genocides and those charming kind of boys. It was full of corpses and skulls, so Judas, as sensitive as always, muttered.

-Mmmh, something bad has taken place here.

While The Hyphenated, who had just joined the party, was busy changing his underwear, the brave Enewald, who missed Finland too much, found an odd man, with an odd moustache, who, when saw poor old Enewald, shouted to the finished Finnish, while rising his arm, where one could see a black swastika upon a white circle over red:

-Heil!

Canonized, who had received some seconds ago the gift of Poetry Speeches, replied:

-WTF?

Thus Maccabeus had to ask, as Judas was busy eating some Sushi:

-Heil who?

-Doctor Who? -asked Comagoosie, as excited as a excited person who has a very good reason to not be excited- Where?

-Not Where! Who! -Canonized replied.

-Heil me, of course! -replied the men with the odd moustache. Then, another men, a fat fellow, appeared, rising his left arm, too.

-Benvenuto, compagno! The bigger is the Leggioni, more Forza! We'll overcome!!!! Vittoria ..

-Beckham? -Canonized asked.

-...will be mine! -Musso ended.

-Provided everything goes fine, Spamiards, provided everything goes fine... -a third man said. He was a quite small figure, with a head to big for his frail body and his tiny voice.

-Damned Franco! Always hesitating! -Hitler shouted in anger.


When Aragon came to help the besieged Portugese kingdom against the Muslim invader, the allies of the Infield foe declared war to Barcelona. It wasn't a joke, as the old Almohade kingdom was among the enemy hosts and, even if it wasn't the terrible enemy that it had been once, it still retained a big deal of power.


Furthermore, Portugal was on the throads of death, and Nuno Martins, coun of Silves and son of de deceased count Ricky, sent packing to his Portugeses overlord and, a few weeks later, became a vassail of Aragon.


Alfòns, on his part, wasnt' in a hurry to help his beleaguered borther in faith. It wasn't until April when his troops surrounded Castelo Branco, which resisted til May 20, when he run out of good. Two weeks later it was the turn of Zamora of being besieged. Then horrible news arrived to the Christian field: The Almohad horde had annhilated the bulk of the Portugese army and Lissabon was under siege too. The Catalan king, however, didn't not worry too much about it.

Thus he followed his path and, after Zamora was conquered on August 18th, Alfons sent the rear of his army to take Salamanca while he made his way to Coimbra, conquering while on the way Braganza on October 4th. Coimbras fell on November 7th, and he would have rushed to Lissabon, in the hands of the Muslims, were it not for Salamanca, who was still fighthing back.


However, king Alfons was decided to free Portugal from the Muslims horde.



And from the Portugese too.

Enewald said:

Hejs, I am not old, and I am not that nazisch... or am I... mwuahahah.

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You're not... you were just on the head of the expediiton, so Adolf decided to have some nice chats with thee...

Enewald said:

And when do we meet the Fallen Angels?

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Erm... towards the end of the quest.

Enewald said:

And why liberating spain when someone should liberate us from hell!

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Or Hell from you...

Olaus Petrus said:

-We are in Trastevere. If we go north there's Vatican City, but there's nice tavern two blogs away from the place where we are now. Their wine isn't the best, but it's cheap. I think that we should visit there first.

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Any pizzeria in the surroundings?

Is it me or the first pic has just vanished? Charming as the new one is, well... let's fix it...

Not yet, I hope... Peti has a very curious sense of humour...

Olaus Petrus said:

Why did you switch that nice picture to that awful one?

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When have you ever seen, my dear Cardinal, something nice in Hell?

Here you have why

There were Enewald et al trying to get out when something took place. The dwarf called Franco told them that they (that is, Hitler and company, no Enewald et al, of course), were having some troubles (well, Enewald and his mates were also in troubles, but not so much as Hitler and his fellow friend in dictatorshipness, but Franco couldn't now this, could him?) as they were unable to decide who had to be the leader of them all, that is, the dictator of all the dictators, as they were used to rule without exceptions -well, perhaps Musso wasn't used to that, but, after some years of obliged residence in Hell, it seemed that he had began to learnt a bit about the job.

-Thus, then, perhaps you, the new ones, could might may possible -thus beganneth Mussolinni- lto break up the tie...

Hitler then, rising his closed hands as dangerous fists, shouted, red with nacionasocialist passion:

-We are creating a Glorious Party to Redeem (AARtist note: what a joker, our Adolf!) Hell and to lead it to its real Lebensraum high above, heil!

However, they couldn't decide how to reach aforementioned Lebensraum, so they began to quarrell again. Thus, Canonized, from the Canonized clan, decided it was time to get the hell -never better said- out of there before they got a rented place there for ever and eve

It goes without saying that no one disagreed in this point, thus they followed his path, leaving the dictator sunk in shit, as they deserved. Then they got to the Seventh Circle, Third inner ring, where an endless rain of fire was the punishment of the sinners gathered there. Too sensitive for such a hot welcome and leaded by Cardinal Petrus, they doubled their pace and race like shinning stars...

So fast they were that they didn't realize that the Malebolge was fully open at their feets and, after floating for some seconds in the pale thin air -no dreams this time, I'm afraid, master Shakespeare-, they began to fall in the right direction -that is, down, otherwise they would have arose like angels, isn't it, chaps?-. Judas, all calm and charm, shouted:

-Holy Ghost!!!! So deep is the waythat leads from light to darknessssssss!!!!!!!!

Comagoosie, more down to hearth, just shouted

-Kurt!!!! What a sobbbbbbb!!!!!!!!



Alfons of Aragon was quite bored by his Portugese campaign. The north of the country fell quite fast and by January 19th he had it all on his hands, so he had just to go, bit by bit, to conquer Lisbon, in Muslim hands since some months ago, as the duke of Oviedo, former king of Leon, had no way to go to the south. This aim fullfilled, it was time to do some expansion of the king... er... some holy crusading, I mean.


Then came something completely unexpected and it wasn't the Spanish Inquisition, trust me, dear reader. As what remained of the Muslim army was surrounded and dying of hunger in Salamanca, Alfons send home most of his army, too expensive for such a reduced campaign once the main goals had been achieved... Then a Almohadian army landed in Porto on August the 14th without any proper invitation just two weeks before Salamanca surrendered by thirst, anger and fire in the pants.

To all the Catalan army used there, the Porto campaign was long, boring, long, silly, long and, let me said it, cause no one has said it before, long. It lasted till the end of November, when the last Muslim redoubt was taken by the proper assault. One question solved, Kurt said.

But there was still a topic to sort out.


With Portugal freed in the Steienranian way, it was obvious that his king didn't deserv such a title, so Steiner had some word with Pope Cencio I about Raimundo de Borgonha. Kurt told Cencio that Raimund it was not only a dangerous heretic married with a witch and who had a sodomite as a heir, but also Raimundo was quite ugly. This last fact won him an unexpected visit of the Inquisition and a charming excomunication. Achieved this, his former ally marched to Lisbon to return Portugal to the real Faith.

The Catalan one, goes without saying, of course.


However, Alfons began to feel old. And to Steiner's worry, it was true.

And his only heir was too young still... too much.