Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

Enewald said:

shall we recieve soon more information about our doomed voyage to hell?

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Once you're there, of course. You're all in a glorious Quest, trust me.

JimboIX said:

What a profitable and rare depiction of pizza in an AAR.

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And I forgot to tell you whether it was a pizza of salami, mozarella or ham & beans... Peti is quite eccletic in his tastes.

canonized said:

ROFL leave it to Jimbo to come up with the most artistic way of receiving the pizza

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Inside of a box?

Shouting and spilling waterm Charon arrived to the shore:

-Come one, damned filth! I want you all boarding the boat right now! Where's my obolus?

While the damned and our heroes boarded Charon's boat, he kept spewing insults to them:

-I want the boat filled before...!

Creeeeeeeeeeeeejk...

The sound repeated the pain of the wooded boat upon the weight of our heroes, who were still alive. Charon, upon noticing these, became more furious and shouted:

-What's that? The dead don't weight! Who's alive here!

Cardinal Petrus, more Petrus than Cardinal, replied back

-Me and my friends. Any problems, master?

-I dont' accept living beings in my boat! Get out and die! !

-What if I don't want to die...? -replied our mighty Cardinal- Stop crying and begin to row, master...

Furious, Charon stroke Petrus with his paddle, and our good Cardinal, well know for his peaceful instints, replied with a kick in Charon's balls. Such a convincing reply let Charon speechless, and he agreed to take them all to the other side of the river. Once there, they found the First Circle or Limbo, filled iwith Romans, Egyptians, Babilonics, Greeks and several classic people dancing the Limbo Rock, of course. As no one bothered to tell the way to our heroes, they were beginning to get anxious.

-Why are we here -mused an angry Enewald-, if we cannot even found the way.

-Cross the Rubicon -replied a lonely man

-What? -Enewald answered

-I called all the rivers like that, Rubicon -the Roman replied-. Actually, it's a shitty river that leds to the City of the Seven Walls.

Perplexed by such a locuacity, Enewald thanked him for his help, adding that the inhabitants of the place weren't quite used to speak, quite, so to say, quite indifferent to most of things.

-Absolutely -the Roman replied-, Homer, you see him there, it's the most indifferent soul here. He doesn't want to write a poem about my conquests! Troy, pah!

To this tirade Homer replied:

-Pah! Your actions, Gaius Julius Caesar, are too modern. I'm a classic!

While our heroes were on the way to the City of the Seven Walls, Enewal, lost in thought, didn't see a curious artifact, that released a mighty wooden catapult.

Thus our heroes were able to find the way to skip the Seven Walls

However, they weren't on the mood to thank Enewald for his action, as they were quite worried for the way the were going to land...


The Catalan armies conquered Orleans on MArch 24th, 1199 on their way to Paris. The Frank fortifications were easily dealt by the victorious army. The few French troops were quite busy trying to stop the English armies. However, Henri of Champagne, who had his own claim to the French crown, gathered his retinue and faced the invader army, hoping that, if he could defeat Alfonso, he would be in position to put his claim upon the crown and to send packing the danmed Phillip, who had given such a calamity to France.


It was not to be. On Febreary 26th, the heavy cavalry of Alfonso just cut into slices the enemy lines and broke its center. In a few minutes, both French wings were on the run and Henri, with a few survivors of his main body, withdrew as fast as eh had the Devil breathing on his neck. The Catalan army spend the rest of the day chasing the stragnlers of the French army and then, once cleared the field, they kept marching towards Paris. There, on the battlefield of Sens, the Catalan knights proved to be the best fighting force in Europe. Their fame would soon swept Europe. On March 19th the city of Sens surrendered to Alfonso, who kept his pace towards Paris.


Then the storm broke. Richard the Lionheart dies suddenly. The nobility, tired of the constant warmongering spirit of the king are against to kept waging war in the Continent. To let know this to the new child-king, they rebell: The first one to go is the earl of Gwent, followed by the dangerous Richard Neville, earl of Warwick, known as the "Kingmaker". To make thinsg worse, the German Emperor puts forward his claim upon the English crown and wages war agianst the anglosaxons shores. Then came the last stroke. The loyal and old duke of Bedford also resorts to rebellion.

On teh continen, after smashing again the French armies in the Ilê de France, Paris lays open to be conquered by Alfonso.

Murmurandus said:

This gives a whole new meaning to the balls of Charon...

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...and thus Cardinal Petrus becometh a classic, methinks...

comagoosie said:

If Homer is classic to Caesar, than who is classic to Homor?

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Tom Jones?

comagoosie said:

And who is Caesar classic to?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger.

comagoosie said:

and nice progress against the french.

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Oh, thank you sir. The English are helping a bit, too

comagoosie said:

I hear Paris makes good pizza, so make sure you tell Peti that so he will conquer Paris faster.

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He heard something about Italy, and he's awfully annoying about Florence these days...

canonized said:

Ahh so the descent begins XD Excellent stuff as always

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Yes, the descent has begun. I have no idea how to make you all return, but, no problem. In the worst case, I foresee an annoucement in the gates of Hell:

JimboIX said:

Viva les catalans!...er...death to France.

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Viva, of course.

Death, it goes without saying...

Enewald said:

Why meeeeee? :wacko:

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Because I keep Judas for something special

Enewald said:

why would someone have built a catapult in HELL? :rofl:

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To kill the time? You know, eternity is a bitch of time.

Enewald said:

And why does Charon needs balls in hell?

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To do the same trip over and over?

Enewald said:

And why oh why are Homer and Caesar there?

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As non-Christians, they're lost in the limbo. Bad luck, mates.

Enewald said:

Where is Brutus, where is Cassius?

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Mmmh... they're fated to appear, trust me.

Enewald said:

and why would there be walls in hell, furthermore, why seven walls?

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Because eight would be an eccentricity.

Enewald said:

Orleans is liberated from the unlawful occupants of january 24th? :rofl: :rofl:

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Erm... yes...

-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!

The landing was quite safe but for Comagossie, who had the bad luck to be stopped in his fall by a quite strong tree. That Cardinal Petrus landed upon him didn't help either. Canonized, stunned by landing against a rock, began to whisper:

-A borrel, my queerdom for a bottle...

Then an unknow voice questioned him:

-Which kind of bottle?

-What the fork? -thus Canonized replied, as he was quite not on his mind and thought himself to be Torquemada returned to life. Damn, Torquemada wasn't even born, but what the heck! -I don't care about the bottle! Give me one which isn't empty!

-Thus, for thee, all the bottles are equal? -another unknown voice said. Then Canonized realized that the expeditionaries were surrounded by men wearing in a quite curious way. They all were dressed with togas. Judas wondered about the whereabouts of John Belushi but he was nowhere to be seen.

Anyway, those odd men began to wonder aloud:

-Thus, all bottles are the same one, it seems -one of them said.

-Indeed, Socrates -another one replied.

-Hey, the football player! -JimboIX shouted.

-Nah -Enewald replied- he's the MP for Rocheford.

-Naaaaaaaaaah -Murmurandus replied- Socrates was the hair-dresser of Maddona.

-A good reason to be in hell, methinks -Cardinal Petrus wondered.

-If we see a bottle, we can remember another one -said the so-called Socrates.

-Depending on how drunk you are, mister... -Cardinal Petrus replied.

- Thus, when on looking on two bottles on their likeable appearence and their similarity, are we able to see if they, even if they are quite similar, they are different, aren't we?

Then another man said:

-The, the equality of the bottles and too bottle which look similar are not the same.

-Well said, Cicero.

At this point, Cardinal Petrus led his still shocked warriors away from that conversation as, for them, two bottles were too much. Then, they walked away, just to find hundreds of thousands of silent people waiting in an endless cue, with a strange being, half a demon, half a serpent, waiting at the end.




Boring.

The war with France was boring. The routine was all the same: The French king and nobles defeated the English armies, then they gathered their armies with great effort and marched against the Catalan host who, in return for their kind visit, killed them all. If this was some kind of French tradition no one in the Catalan army could tell. Nor in the French, as they were inmediately slaughtered.


Seeing this, the French king and the duke of Tolouse attempted to end the war in the lesser painful way they could find.


Finally they surrendered inconditionally, and the Catalan king could annex most of the south of France. Then came the first of a serie of bad news. Richard the Lionheart, 42 years old, died without heir, without giving warning he was dying and without any further advice to his Catalan ally.

D'oh...

The second bad news was his her: his brother, John.

D'oh...

The third one was all to blame to the Catalan Chancillery, as, during the negotiations of the peace with France, Aragon forgot that France were still at war with England, Catalonia's allis. Well... it goes without saying that Aragon found itself (finally) at peace, but not England, who not only had an useless quarrelsome king, but also a charming war against France (also called Froggyland by some English knights), and the German Imperia (also called Beerland by some English drunkard knights.

As the good Catalan king and his noble adviser said when they noticed this issue:

-Erm... Good Grief! (1)


(1) Actually, the sentence run something like that "oh (some noisy expletives deleted) shit!!!!".

Enewald said:

Aha.

So we see a bottle, imagine the second bottle, yet we must imagine the idea of a thrid bottle?

Good Socrates.

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Ye shall imagine what ye shouldn't drink...

canonized said:

ROFL I loved the little trip into Limbo . And gosh , contemplating the nature of sin with a distant relative of Peti , i'm so honoured XD

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That relative it's the black sheep -see the spots- of the Niebla family. He doesn't love pizzas. A sad case.

comagoosie said:

hmm...why do I have to get stopped by a tree (how does that make it safe, btw) and why does another man have to fall on top of me?

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Because the three was unpolite enough to be in your way and because you were polite enough to be of help of that another man (you didn't want him to be hurt, you're a heroe!).

You didn't need the last part

Good grief, never argue with any of Peti's cousins. I can't imagine his family reunions

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I never argue with Peti, not to mention his familiy. The gatherings of his family is like Vienna in New Year with a twist: All noise, but with some "savoir" in the air... :rofl:

Murmurandus said:

I still don't get the whole bottle issue...

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Thank God I didn't allow them to talk about the question of the Idea, the Soul and the Prime Mover... :rofl: