Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

stnylan said:

With a cool head and a little luck you appear to have navigated those initial wars very well.

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That's the key, indeeed, a cool head... and a lot of luck... and the pleasure of my enemies to kill each other... I must confess they surprised me. Well, I prefer them this way

RGB said:

Well, you're doing alright so far.

And yes, those don Juans.

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Thank you, as stnylan has said and I admit, I was lucky. Perhaps having Peti as my shamless pet as something to do with it :rofl:

Llywelyn said:

a, Ok, I'm shameless. If there's an independent Wales, I want it. If not, I think a Welsh pope would be just the thing to improve the amusement factor of English history (cf. Gerald of Wales.)

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Well, bearing in mind that I have planes for England, I can give also a look to Wales, Scotland and the rest of the Isles... A Welsh Pope... let's see... That reminds me of my favourite Pope, the Papa Pater...

Anyway, let's see what I can do about those Papist people... I need to have a heretic Pope... or a Satanist one, by they way...

Llywelyn said:

b, Considering the main focus of this AAR, you might want to stop in the next time I update my KhazAAR. My AI apparently is on friendly terms with Peti as well...

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How could I have missed it!!!! Shame on... on... on Petiso Tiso, who didn't tell me about it

Llywelyn said:

I may be alone in this, but my thought on what this AAR really needs? a recipe aside!

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Ok, I'll ask my dear sister, my beloved Palo, to give me a hand on this

She was fated to appear, anyway... :rofl:

Llywelyn said:

Better a Don Juan than a King Alfonso.

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At least it's no a Count Lecchio... (Spamiards will understand me...) Well, the problem is that I have troubles to put my kings in front of their armies, because their retinues of lovers are bigger than their host! Try to conquer Spain with a host of lovers, ha!

Llywelyn said:

Or, skip including me and just have Baldric in the Archbishop of Canterbury's court! EEdddward! I have married you to a Barcelonan infanta!

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Oh, I loved that AAR... By the way, you inspired me in my original AAR. I had an Infanta, too... I killed her, I think...

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

RGB said:

Too bad that one finished so quick.

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Indeed...

RGB said:

Kurt Luck? Luck nothing. PROVIDENCE. Dominus tecum, rege.

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Amazingly, Kurt has the same mount of letters than luck. But not the same vowel I love the English tongue, its phonology and its tricks...

JimboIX said:

Just read through the first two bits of this, looks god so far. Barcelona always teeters on the cusp of greatness- it looks like you've survived the first pitfall and are making solid progress.

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Yes, the first trial by fire was avoided by sheer luck, but there are more to come. Anyway, I'm to good to be defeated... or something like that... :wacko:

RGB said:

Eagerly awaiting the reign of El Brevisimo.

I wonder how you'll translate all the jokes.

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That's the main problem that has kept me awoke since I started the AAR... well, let's try right now...

Deskminator said:

O, my god, the Kurt invasion.

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Your base belongs to me... resistance is futile...

In a few moments, the next chapter. Pere el Brevísimo is comming... well, you know what I mean...

Soon after the death of his father, Pere I, the new count of Barcelona, received a visit from Steiner. As it happened with his dad, the visit was unexpected, but with no Spanish Inquisition involved in it. The conversation was brief but Steiner convinced Pere that he had to take everything in the quitest way and to forget about conquering the Moorish neighbours, at least for a while. They key wasn't there, but on the Christian neighbours... Thus, two, er... *three things were needed...

-To attack the King of Aragon and to take his titles, taking advantage of the current disturbances, as Leon was busy and the Aragonese had no available Allies. Thus, time to be a bit... nasty, so to speak. Of course, this was going to cause an inevitable loss of prestige, but a crown is worth trying...

-The next step was to take the counties of Urgell, the Empordà and the Roselló before that any Frenchie would do it. How to do it would be know along the way, while doing the whole enterprise... No need to worry, at least not now... (1)

-To leave the Moorish quiet, Steiner repeated, just in case the advice wasn't quite clear- Anyway, the infidel enemies were too busy fighthing each other, as usual would be to abuse. And, of course, they were too eager to keep beating Alfonso to remember Barcelona. Al least, for the moment. And as Alfonso kept offering his ass to be kicked...

However, grabbing and usurping crowns and titles does not convince too much Pere. He is afraid of the reactions of their European powers. For that reason Steiner ends the chatting with a simple comment

-Choose: whether you will win their heads or they will get your, cappicce?

And Pere agrees, of course. Neither having Steiner's hand pressing his balls had nothing do to with it nor the killing look in his eyes. It was just Steiner's tender voice and his lovely smile, you know...

So, they begin to consider all the diverse possibilities that they have at hand, murder incorporated, er... included... But, again Pere is reeeeeeeally reluctant to order the murder of one of his peers, specially the killing of a king. Tradition, and you know.. if I kill a king somebody would kill me when I become king an so on... But Steiner is, again, convincing enough:

-M'lord, if we consider the murder in itself, it can have its greatness, even its generosity. Its greatness is the key, as it dissolves the opprobrium that the crime will cause. Therefore, a man can be honored by these cruel acts despite the wickedness go along with them, by direct opposition and juxtapossition to a man that has as it main charm it is very kind nature nothing else. Furthermore, the murder must be executed with mastery, and we should forget that no one is able to carry it out. Therefore I must strees out that is the man the one that succeed, not the resources uses in the enterprise. Furthermore, the man has to be worth himself. Besides, he has to produce the coincidence of the adequate circumstance, to favour the need atmosphere, even the hour and the degree of necessary cruelty to carry out the crime, so it can be carried out with mastery adn resolution. The murder, therefore, m'lord, is an artistic question, being its objective the complete perfection. And its nature should be clean and infallible.

Fully conviced, Pere considered that it was time to incorporate a "special" branch to his court...


At the very beginning of 1083, the new count of Barcelona, taking advantage of campaigns against the moorish that kept busy the aragonese Sancho in some distant lands to the south...

-Blessed be the fools... does Sancho not know that if you go to Seville, you may find at your return without a chair?, murmured Steiner smiling dangerously...

-Ehehem...

-Do you have anything to say, Peti?

-Er... I bet that the English-speaker readers won't get the Seville twist, Kurty...

-Gosh... well, I meant... the Spanish saying... you know, damn it!

-Yes, I know, but I'm a dog...

-And a dog which...

-Grrrr....

-*gasp, *who, I meant, who, a dog who farts and eats pizza, indeed... Well, as I was saying, the Spanish saying means that, if you go away, you won't expect people to keep your place for you, will you?

-I won't -answered Peti, the loyal but farting dog of Steiner-.Specially if you were to one to kept my place.

So that be, Steiner retorted. Pere considered to use again the tactic that their father had used to take Zaragoza while the main armies were bledding in front the walls of Tolosa. So, as it was foretold..., Pere would take Jaca while the king wasted his time in the south. Nevertheless, this time teh campaign was not going to result so simple. Why?

Quite easy. The Aragonese army did not waste time to be defeated by the enormous Sevillian potential –the Aragoneses historians still regret the bad fortune and foolishnes of Sancho, as he attacked the emirate in the very moment when the Moor was preparing himself to conquer Toledo (2). Thus therefore, the small aragonese army did not have any opportunity against the Moor and poor king Sancho (known by the historiography as "the unfortunate") died in the following rout. At least the scattered remains of his army and his son and heir could escape to Jaca...

...just in time to meet the the just and worthy claim of the count of Barcelona on the aragonese crown, and to see Pere's armies waiting outside the walls of Jaca. The campaign was brief, thanks to the wise use of the retinues, the weaponry, the corage of the troops... and the fact that they were fighting a weakened enemy . Therefore, Pere entered victoriously in Jaca (December 1083), to the disgrace of the unfortunate Sancho junior, that, dispossessed and lands and titles, passed away from grief -no stabbing this time, I swear it- in the distant southern lands where his dad had found so glorious but silly death.

Crowned the count of Barcelona by the grace of God, in the superb Regis Aragonesis as Pere (Pedro for the Aragonese) I of Aragon, it was time to do the same with and Majorca. It must be added that the younger son of the late Sancho senior, a boy called Pedro found himself without kingdom, with all his lands snatched by the voracious Catalonian, without an army and fated to become a dull boring emigrée, forgotten in the Castillian court...

The true thing was that, despite the crown which had been so "brilliantly" won, the neighbors of Pere, the Moslem ones included, began to despise him for this slightly treacherous act ("Ok, it is true, thou knowst" –retorted Steiner when the king-count (2) questioned him for this situation-, "but if had not been thee, it would been the king of Navarre... so...”). Ttherefore, it was tiem to arrange the plans of conquest to fulfill the following phase. With the ready ships to be charged with the ensaimadas that would be brought of this new conquest, fates plays its hand...


In the spring of 1084, a Moslem army concentrates and advances towards Murcia. Pere is caught by surprise. In haste, he gathers his real retinues and hurries to face the invading army. The morning of April 1, 1084 founds the two armies in Caravaca, in which the battle seems that is going to decide the course of the campaign. That same night, Kurt Steiner pays a visit to the brother of Pere, the charming Ramón Berenguer....

-Goodnite, Ramón...

Scared by the unexpected visitor, Ramón turnst to the darkl figure –“at least he doesn’t wear those odd nice red uniforms”, Ramón thinks- and answers with dark mood, while taking his sword (“This family has a disgunsting obsession with the swords...”, Steiner thinks):

-Weren’t you told to knock on the door first?

-Is that a tricky question, m’lord? Er... I’m bringing thee some good news... and thou art so rude to me, treating me thus?

-Good news? –Ramón asks with a strange feeling of danger running through is veins. The charming face of his visitor looks too tenderly diabolical to Ramon’s taste, who feels that his guts are near to explode-. What the hell are you talking about?

-Congrats, Ramón, thy head is going to be honoured by a crown.. –Steiner answers, with usual derisive smile. He rushes to add immediately- Don’t look at me this way. I’m not crazy. Well, at least I’m not crazier than I was before this AAR started. Tbe thing is, thou art the new count of Barcelona. Oh, thou are the new aragonese monarch, too. But I am afraid that thou hast lost Murcia...


-What?

-... and your beloved brother Pere. It seems that the brave count got killed in the very beginning of the battle and is army felt a sudden yearning... about the paellas, as they were so close to Valencia. So... they decided it was time to withdrawn as fast as possible to the city. Fortunately, the casualties were small enoguh... but for thy brother, thou knowst... they have suffered... good, if we discount the death of your brother, whose soul must be facing the Trial of the Lord... Talking about the Lord... It is time to begin to promote some charity actions, because with the deeds of thy father and thy brother, well... let’s be polite... the reputation of the House of Barcelna is a bit... well... well, it’s not in the highest point, so to speak.

Ramón, which hardly remembers neither to breath nor to fart, is unable to assimilate the news he has just ben told. He’s awfully sorry about the death of his borther, but he’s even more scared by the way that Steiner is looking at him. It seems that Steiner is trying to guess how much Ramón weights. Suddenly, the new king gather all his courage and, breaking the silence, asks to the odd visitor:

-So well, what are you thinking about? As your new lord, I guess I should know your thoughts? However, bearing in mind how your help contributed to the fate of my late brother, I dont’ know...

-I was thinking, your majesty... –Steiner replied while looking at the distant sky- I was thinking what I may get in the wedding market by such a grunt and grouch king as thou art...

-Verge Santísima...(4) –the king gasped

Later on, on that very knight, while considering the stock of princesses available at the moment, Steiner felt a shadow covering him so he turned as fast as if he felt the kiss of the devil. Then he got mesmerized by the vision of his most admired Non-Spanish AAR writer, the Master...

-B... B... But... if it's you, Master Allenby (5)!!!!

Petiso Tiso, who got awoke as he heard the words of Steiner, opened an eye and, rising from the Steinerian pocket where he had his room, he exclaimed at seeing Allenby:

-What the he..., but if it's Allenby himself....

And Peti, while farting, as it was usual, uttered in his dreams

-Pizza... fish and chips... crêpse suzzettes... carn d’olla... Alllenby is coooooooooooming... Tafelspitz mit G'röste.... pà amb tomaquet i pernil... sa ensaimada... gnocchi alla romana...

-Hello, my little padawan –Allenby said-. I see that you're somewhat busy...

And he added something about the legs of a Roman soldier, but no one caught the meaning...

-Well, that's the problem, Master, as I don't have no idea about who could marry my king... But I think I have a cunning idea...

-Oh shit –Petiso Tiso uttered, while searching for drop of water to wash himself-... some one has left open the door of the stable and Baldrick got out...

-Oh, by the way- Steiner said, rising a finger- A week ago, on April 14th was St Baldrick's Day, methinks ...

Allenby began to wonder what the fuss was going about, but he kept his sangfroid, and went on...


-Tell me, baby...

-You see... it seems that the Duke of Austria...

-Beware with that loke called Archie Duke if he's hungry -Petiso said while smiling tenderly...

-Ernst von Babenberg -kept on saying Steiner, while looking at Petiso in a quite unfriendly way- has a single daughter, Wilfrihundekyrieworenga, but everybody in the court calls her Wore.

-... shit–Tiso said-, a missed opportunity for a good joke...

-...as I was saying –Kurty kept on telling, without paying attention to Tiso, causing, by the way, a great pain to Omiso, who say that he was ignored even in the English forum-, we have Wore, 15 years old.... well, let's call her Ute, less dangerous, ok Tiso????

Tiso felt that his moment to shut up had come, so he did... the fact that Kurty had a mighty axe in his hands had nothing to do with that idea, by they.

-So I thought that it would be nice to marry my count/king -no jokes this time about the Empire State Building, please, Petiso Tiso...

-Damn it...

-I got lost -exclaimed Allenby, who was suffering from a terrible headeache ...

-Ok, ok. We got Wul... Wore... Ute, shit, 15 years old, so I thought it would be good to marry Pere with her and open the way for a German branch of the family.

-I see -Allenby replied- Obelixeke is going to feel proud... or not...

-... and as the northern neighbours are busy –Steiner kept on-, I paln to do the same in Occitània, if the French kept calm enough, you see...


And now, something different... International News...

As it seems, Seville decides that this was the moment to find his place under the Spanish sun, and, after beating Aragon as I mentioned above, has conquered Córdoba and Toledo, mauling the armies of Alfonso of León meanwhile...

Alfonso, I must add, he's trying to recover from the defeat suffered at Toledo. The good thing about this is that Alfonso VI of León has forgotten his dreams to conquer Pamplona, so the Navarrese kingdom is glad and I have free way to do it, well, the Navarrese are not so glad about this... Por Navarra, by they way, is now surrounded by all its side by the Catalan-Aragonese kingdom (6) and Leon. That is, surrounded by the neighbours who doesn't look quite nicely. Well, you have also France in the north, but...

In Francia the Capet -not the carpet- king is trying to win his hand over his nobility and in Germany are on the verge of a civil war. It seems that beer is not the same motivation this time, but you can never be sure about those Germans . It seems that the Swabian duke decided it was time for him to crown himself as German emperor and, allied with Lorraine and Bohemia (time for a Rhapsody, perhaps?) his fighthing time did not meet very good results when his army faced the one of the Kaiser von Franken, who, of course, was not willing to leave his crown. As as the new Pope is a charming Poolish guy is blackmailing the poor von Franken: you go on crusade and I excommunicate your enemy. The problem is that the Pope has forgotten to comment where the crusade has to take place and von Franken is not very sure were to go...

Pere I Ramon "The Short Lived" (1045-1084), King of Aragón (1083-84), Count of Barcelona, Girona (1080-84) and Osona (1080-84) .

(1) I knew I was forgetting something...
(2) Shits happen...
(3) Not the KingKong who had an affair in the Empire State building.
(4) (William) Blessed be the Virgin of [name the Virgin that you like the most]
(5) Allenby’s WW1 AAR was the first non-Spanish AAR which thrilled me in the same way that Obelixeke’s Hohenstaufen AAR, so, in case you don’t haven’t read them, you’re a real sinner...
(6) Better that way than to say Vacalentacialano -vacalentacialan-, trust me...
(7) Don't you love short chapters like this one? Now try to find the seventh point

Olaus Petrus said:

Interesting AAR. But I must say one thing, I don't like this Kurt Steiner fellow and wonder how Peti can stand him. Without Peti Niebla I wouldn't even bother to read this.

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Petiso Tiso also wonders about it...

JimboIX said:

Poor Kurt. The inspiration looks painful.

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Well... it was more painful for those who suffered it... or from it... or both...

RGB said:

Haha, when in doubt, blame the Pope.

Well handled. Okay, I'm off to read the next Spanish installment.

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Popes, you know... well, give me time to finish the next Spamiard chapter... in fact, let me start it :rofl:

Llywelyn said:

So hasten our salvation with some linkies

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So it be... the Spanish AAR...

CK - Hohenstaufen: El Poder de la Sangre

The Allenby AAR...

1914-1924 'British interests; British honour; British obligations'

Llywelyn said:

I thought that they all lithped over there, so wouldn't it be Vacalentathialano? or is it the whole eatht coatht, so that the Barthelonans don't nothithe it?

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Goshl... I thought I was a bit... well... Vacalentacialano comes from mixing

VALENCIANO -From Valencia, you know...
CATALAN -From... Do I have to tell you?

I guess I should have added BALEAR -from the Balearic Island, you know, but the being would be too odd to mention. So...

Anyway, I like the Vacalentathialan thing...

Judas Maccabeus said:

Too bad Allenby sounds a bit less like an Aztec god than Obiwankeniletxe, though...

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Don't worry... I'm preparing a wise movement to introduce Obigüan in the game... I just used the chance to pay a bit of an homage to one of my favourite AARs...

Once Ramón Berenguer II becomes king as Ramón Berenguer I of Aragón and II of Barcelona, there came an unexepected twist in the affairs of the kigdom. It began when count/king decided that his main city will be Barcelona, so there was no need to move his court. As the reader may guess, the Aragonese nobilty was a bit dissapointed and considered to do some kind of protest...

...till they suddenly understood that if they did not hurry the Catalan nobility would take the biggest part of the bussiness. So, with a loss in their hearts, they departed towards Barcelona. Among them there was an odd Aragonese nobleman, a Judas Maccabeus. Maccabeus was odd because, while everybody considered him from Jewis ancestry, due to his name and surname, mainly, he claimed he was from Scottish origin, from the well known clan of the McCabeus. As he was quite an impressive man, no one dared to argue with him, of course, but rumours went on, you know.

Anyway, Maccabeus went to Barcelona just to grab some titlewith his lovely and sexy wife, called Katharine. She was also known as the Maccabeautiful, due to her charming aspect. So, Maccabeus sold all his Aragoneses lands and, while learning Catalan during the way, he took his fate in his hands and went to Barcelona, preaching to the Pilarica just to avoid missing the way and ending in Swabia.

So he arrived, and he become victorius in the very moment he said his first words in the court, which were "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...". Everybody was impressed, the men for his retoric, the ladies for his big, big... for his big eyes, you know. Those days, by the way, the king/count and Steiner were searching a wife for the king. Thus, they gathered the most expert men in this field to send them packing, er..., to send them around the world, searching for the lady.

And altough Maccabeus was not quite well versed in those affairs, the king liked him instantly, so he was sent to Germany, with Miquel de Coroella, a Alemania -Steiner suggested to send him far away, but Ramon Berenguer wasn't in the mood to send anybody to pay a visit to the devil-. Steiner wasn't disappointed by this, and gave instructions to Coroella, to "loose", if possible, the Aragonese nobleman as fast as possible, and as far away as possible. And, of course, without no chances to return.

Coroella fulfilled his role in his usual way. That is, badly. He managed the fist part. That is, to "loose" Maccabeus. The problem is that Coroella got lost too with him -nobody is perfect, you may know, dear reader... indeed, you're right-. So, instead of paying a visit to the duke of Austria they met the new and charming duke of Mecklenburg, Frederick Hohenstaufen, who was also count of St Gallen, Lübeck, Rostock and Brastwurst -or something like that-. Frederick, by the way, was the nightmare of the Pomeranian tribes and the biggest womanizer in Germany. The talks began instantly, but Coroella was quite excruciated when, after some weeks making a fool of himself, discovered that the oldest of the Hohenstaufen daughters, Maria, was 9 years old.

Anyway, Coroella didn't surrender, and went to Schwabia, when they met the duke Rudolph -who, like the deer, had something on his head- and tried to "sell" them one of his daughters, called Marrrrrrrria. The question wasn't that Maria was ugly -indeed she was-, crazy -indeed she was- and awfully stupid -indeed she was-. The real problem was the psycho-sado-masochitic games that the young lady liked to play. Maccabeus was tempted to take her to Barcelona as a nice "present" to his king. Coroella, a charming man and a better diplomatic, made Maccabeus to see that it wasn't a good idea, and conviced him that he should change his mind or he, Coroella, would cut his balls. Maccabeus, who was a romantic man, agreed at once.


The ambassadors went with his travel, and visited the Fernch Neighbours. The chronist do not agree about what happened during the trip, but the result is quite clear: Coroella send Coroella Maccabeus back to Barcelona with a kick in the Aragonese ass and a note where he asked to put the brave Aragonese in charge of the next ambassy to Thule, and, if possible, with just sumemr clothes. Alàs, or hopefully, Steiner had a better idea...

Actually, Steiner was worried, as Ramón, horny as a young puppy, was running after all the ladies in his castle. Luckily, the situation was under control, and no pregnancy was detected in the wombs of the ladies. But Steiner was worried because he may be not so lucky next time the king began to use his penis and not his brain...

Thus, in that very moment Tommassi came to visit Steiner, to announce to him that the king was busy loving three ladies at the same time.

-Damnation! That blasted Don Juan is going to drive me mad -Steiner shouted, while his face turned red of rage- He's not going to give me a second of calm... That king is a real assho.... What the f... Why art thou laughing so happily, you little Aragonese sod?

-I was thinking, my lord -Maccabeus said, smiling happy-, that you, Catalans, talk in such a funny way. Yesterday, I was talking with my wife about this...

In that moment, Maccabeus knew that he had said too much... for the last time, according to the look of the eyes of Steiner.

-Tell me -Steiner said, with his tender voice and vicious smile- So... art thou married? How is thy wife? Is she from noble birth? Hast thou daughters in age to marry? Er... wouldst thou like that thy future king might have some drops of Aragonese blood in his veins?

Maccabeus, not used to so charming chat, was a bit anxious to get out.

-Tell me -repeated Steiner- How is thy health, oh you, brave Aragonese? Art thou allgeric to anything, as for instance, daggers, swords, poisons, you know, that kind of thing...

That very same knight Maccabeus gave his most important service to the Catalan crown by jumping unwillingly through an open window, while Steiner was pointing to him the place where the Aragonese colony was going to settle. His widow, broke by such a sorrowful event, conquered with his endless crying and his two big... two round and big..., well, with his crying and his two you-know-what she conquered the heart of the Catalan king, who, once he discovered that she was the daughter of the late count of Jaca, thought that there was no need to keep on searching for more wives. Stenier, happy with the turn of events, told to himself that the crown was worth of an unexpected jump.

The marriage and the following celebrations were wonderful. The whole country was filled with pleasure by his young and charming kings, so the Muslim danger was forgotten, at least for a while. Soon after the marriage, the queen Katharine the Maccabeautiful got pregnant. The king was happy, so was Steiner, who wondered if she may give a legion of little princes to the Crown.

Time will tell...

Steiner, happy and in good mood, when to pry for the eternal soul of the late Maccabeus. The pregnancy went his way and, finally, the future heir, Guillem, was born (January 6th, 1085), for the big joy of the kings


Then the bad news came. Alfonso of León and Castilla, who could not forget his past defeat, attempted to recover Toledo in February 1085. In a fast campaign, he recovered the city, and he even went further, marching towards Sevilla. He was determined to put an end to the dangerous sheikdom... but he was again defeated and, in the wake of the disaster, Alfonso saw not only Toledo, but even Salamanca and Valladolid to fall into moorish hands (March and April 1085)- So big was the disaster, that Lope de Haro, count of Vizcaya, rebelled against the king, followed by Nuño de Lara, Duke of Asturias. Castilla was broken by the civil war, while Sevilla was more powerful than ever and his sheik, Abdul-Haleem Ali, who was know and the Iron Fist of Allah in all the Christian world, became a nuisance for Steiner, as the reader may guess by now...

Then, in March, a bastard daughter of Ramon Berenger came to life. She was called Elizabeth, and she was sent as fast as possible to the nearest monastery, thus becoming the first nun who preached with a dummy in her lips.

Recovered from that scaring moment, Steiner considered that it was time to take a side in the fight, so he suggested to Ramon to join sides with Seville and to divide Iberia into two areas of influence.

-Are you kidding? To ally myself with the Moors -Ramon asked in a surprised and horrified Ramon- You won't think...

Kurt trying to find a cunning idea persuade Ramón with the help of some chums.​

-Taking about waiting, m'lord... What are we waiting for? To see the Seville armies conquering your realm?

-But this kind of alliance is unholly...

-Well, you know... yes and no... Well, you see, our reputation may get a bit tarnished -"damn... where is Sir Humphrey Appleby when one does need him" Steiner wondered- but with our lands untouched... We'll guess later on how to sovle this problem...

But the problem never came to be, as, without no apparent rease, the Pope decided it was time for a crusade –well, just a negotium pacis et fidei, a time to conquer peace and faith-. So, William of Engalnd and duke of Normandy decided it was time to go on crusade, so he landed at Lisboa on July 1st, 1085. He was decided to free Jerusalem by using Iberia as his a place to gather his troops before attacking the main goal.

So, without asking the native, he decided to freed the Spamiards -who weren't Spamiards because the spam didn't exist yet- so, the chace with a pact with the Moors went to hell.


The good thing was that the Moors were busy with the English crusaders, and not with them. So, Ramón and Steiner were happy. And Alfonso, as it was usual to him, attempt to recover Toledo with the biggest army ever seen...

...just to fail again... The Moors, bored about kicking his ass, this time didn't bother to pursue him. So, Alfonso, with no army, no money and no honey, had to to see how Lope de Haro and Nuño de Lara, in just a month of rebellion, won their final freedom. Alfonso, who was quite stressed, began to see treason and traitors everywhere so, to avoid problems he killed his young son Fadrique, because he thought that Fadrique was conspiring to kill him and his elder brother and to take the crown. Actually the conspirancy wasn't directed by Fadrique, but by his elder brother, but... bad luck, you know...

However, Alfonso had a stroke of a genius and, while Nuño de Lara was strike bu grief due to the unexpected death of his wife, in a sudden atatck he reconquered Asturias and, after helping to die to Juan, duke of Galicia, he took the duchy too, in October 1085. The tarnished reputation of the king sunk even lower, even if no one could prove his part on the murder of Juan. The fact that the duchy went to him as he was the next step in the succession line made him to appear guily. Afraid of death or of Alfonso, Lope de Haro smade peaces with his king in December... and died, in odd circumstances, in January 1086,

Finally, while Ramón Berenguer II created for himself the title of Duke of the Spanish March, the Mooslim power defeated the English crusaders for good. Thus endeth the English expedition, which, even if it was a failure, damaged a bit Sevilla, which wasn't bad at all.

A good new was the caming to life of the daughter of Ramón and Katharine, the princess Sibila. Sick of happines, Steiner paid homage to the grave of Maccabeus, with a lovely pack of flowers. Maccabeus wouldn't ever appear in the books of history, but he was a heroe for Kurty, who won't ever forget his last words -well, last word- of the Aragonese, who, while falling, shouted to him:

-Bastaaaaaaaaarrrdddddd!!!!!!

“He had no word for no one -Steiner thought, while crying tenderly due to the crazy laughter that the remembrance had caused-. Not for his wife, not for his king, not even for the two... the two... of his wife...... Just for me... Maccabeus, I won't forget you, I swear it" -he said, while Peti allowed his ass to set music to the moving moment.

A legend was born...

1086 began with winds of war. Ramón Berenguer II, without caring about the weather, landed in Majorca with 4.000 swords, to conquer the island for God and for himself, of course. Before departing from Barcelona, Steiner blessed the expeditionary force with the following words: “we few, we happy few, we band of ruthless bastards”.

Those words were very much like by the expeditionaries. Thus, they fought with an undefeatable spirit, so, un just a month the island was conquered, without a battle, but for a brief siege, so the king conquered the rest of the island boefre no one could do it first. So Menorca was the next step, and fell fast enough. In those day, by the way, Ramon Berenguer created the title of Duke of Catalunya, just for his pleasure.

The year, thus, began with in a almost perfect way. Then, the bad news came...