Chapter 3: The love and Ramón Berenguer II
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Girlfriend Wanted. She must be a pretty, nice and lusty lady, if possible
Once Ramón Berenguer II becomes king as Ramón Berenguer I of Aragón and II of Barcelona, there came an unexepected twist in the affairs of the kigdom. It began when count/king decided that his main city will be Barcelona, so there was no need to move his court. As the reader may guess, the Aragonese nobilty was a bit dissapointed and considered to do some kind of protest...
...till they suddenly understood that if they did not hurry the Catalan nobility would take the biggest part of the bussiness. So, with a loss in their hearts, they departed towards Barcelona. Among them there was an odd Aragonese nobleman, a Judas Maccabeus. Maccabeus was odd because, while everybody considered him from Jewis ancestry, due to his name and surname, mainly, he claimed he was from Scottish origin, from the well known clan of the McCabeus. As he was quite an impressive man, no one dared to argue with him, of course, but rumours went on, you know.
Anyway, Maccabeus went to Barcelona just to grab some titlewith his lovely and sexy wife, called Katharine. She was also known as the Maccabeautiful, due to her charming aspect. So, Maccabeus sold all his Aragoneses lands and, while learning Catalan during the way, he took his fate in his hands and went to Barcelona, preaching to the Pilarica just to avoid missing the way and ending in Swabia.
So he arrived, and he become victorius in the very moment he said his first words in the court, which were "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...". Everybody was impressed, the men for his retoric, the ladies for his big, big... for his big eyes, you know. Those days, by the way, the king/count and Steiner were searching a wife for the king. Thus, they gathered the most expert men in this field to send them packing, er..., to send them around the world, searching for the lady.
And altough Maccabeus was not quite well versed in those affairs, the king liked him instantly, so he was sent to Germany, with Miquel de Coroella, a Alemania -Steiner suggested to send him far away, but Ramon Berenguer wasn't in the mood to send anybody to pay a visit to the devil-. Steiner wasn't disappointed by this, and gave instructions to Coroella, to "loose", if possible, the Aragonese nobleman as fast as possible, and as far away as possible. And, of course, without no chances to return.
Coroella fulfilled his role in his usual way. That is, badly. He managed the fist part. That is, to "loose" Maccabeus. The problem is that Coroella got lost too with him -nobody is perfect, you may know, dear reader... indeed, you're right-. So, instead of paying a visit to the duke of Austria they met the new and charming duke of Mecklenburg, Frederick Hohenstaufen, who was also count of St Gallen, Lübeck, Rostock and Brastwurst -or something like that-. Frederick, by the way, was the nightmare of the Pomeranian tribes and the biggest womanizer in Germany. The talks began instantly, but Coroella was quite excruciated when, after some weeks making a fool of himself, discovered that the oldest of the Hohenstaufen daughters, Maria, was 9 years old.
Anyway, Coroella didn't surrender, and went to Schwabia, when they met the duke Rudolph -who, like the deer, had something on his head- and tried to "sell" them one of his daughters, called Marrrrrrrria. The question wasn't that Maria was ugly -indeed she was-, crazy -indeed she was- and awfully stupid -indeed she was-. The real problem was the psycho-sado-masochitic games that the young lady liked to play. Maccabeus was tempted to take her to Barcelona as a nice "present" to his king. Coroella, a charming man and a better diplomatic, made Maccabeus to see that it wasn't a good idea, and conviced him that he should change his mind or he, Coroella, would cut his balls. Maccabeus, who was a romantic man, agreed at once.
The nanny of María von Hohenstaufen –imagine if that was the nanny, how "charming" was the lady... Coroella still has nightmares.
The ambassadors went with his travel, and visited the Fernch Neighbours. The chronist do not agree about what happened during the trip, but the result is quite clear: Coroella send Coroella Maccabeus back to Barcelona with a kick in the Aragonese ass and a note where he asked to put the brave Aragonese in charge of the next ambassy to Thule, and, if possible, with just sumemr clothes. Alàs, or hopefully, Steiner had a better idea...
Actually, Steiner was worried, as Ramón, horny as a young puppy, was running after all the ladies in his castle. Luckily, the situation was under control, and no pregnancy was detected in the wombs of the ladies. But Steiner was worried because he may be not so lucky next time the king began to use his penis and not his brain...
Thus, in that very moment Tommassi came to visit Steiner, to announce to him that the king was busy loving three ladies at the same time.
-Damnation! That blasted Don Juan is going to drive me mad -Steiner shouted, while his face turned red of rage- He's not going to give me a second of calm... That king is a real assho.... What the f... Why art thou laughing so happily, you little Aragonese sod?
-I was thinking, my lord -Maccabeus said, smiling happy-, that you, Catalans, talk in such a funny way. Yesterday, I was talking with my wife about this...
In that moment, Maccabeus knew that he had said too much... for the last time, according to the look of the eyes of Steiner.
-Tell me -Steiner said, with his tender voice and vicious smile- So... art thou married? How is thy wife? Is she from noble birth? Hast thou daughters in age to marry? Er... wouldst thou like that thy future king might have some drops of Aragonese blood in his veins?
Maccabeus, not used to so charming chat, was a bit anxious to get out.
-Tell me -repeated Steiner- How is thy health, oh you, brave Aragonese? Art thou allgeric to anything, as for instance, daggers, swords, poisons, you know, that kind of thing...
That very same knight Maccabeus gave his most important service to the Catalan crown by jumping unwillingly through an open window, while Steiner was pointing to him the place where the Aragonese colony was going to settle. His widow, broke by such a sorrowful event, conquered with his endless crying and his two big... two round and big..., well, with his crying and his two you-know-what she conquered the heart of the Catalan king, who, once he discovered that she was the daughter of the late count of Jaca, thought that there was no need to keep on searching for more wives. Stenier, happy with the turn of events, told to himself that the crown was worth of an unexpected jump.
The marriage and the following celebrations were wonderful. The whole country was filled with pleasure by his young and charming kings, so the Muslim danger was forgotten, at least for a while. Soon after the marriage, the queen Katharine the Maccabeautiful got pregnant. The king was happy, so was Steiner, who wondered if she may give a legion of little princes to the Crown.
Time will tell...
Steiner, happy and in good mood, when to pry for the eternal soul of the late Maccabeus. The pregnancy went his way and, finally, the future heir, Guillem, was born (January 6th, 1085), for the big joy of the kings
Then the bad news came. Alfonso of León and Castilla, who could not forget his past defeat, attempted to recover Toledo in February 1085. In a fast campaign, he recovered the city, and he even went further, marching towards Sevilla. He was determined to put an end to the dangerous sheikdom... but he was again defeated and, in the wake of the disaster, Alfonso saw not only Toledo, but even Salamanca and Valladolid to fall into moorish hands (March and April 1085)- So big was the disaster, that Lope de Haro, count of Vizcaya, rebelled against the king, followed by Nuño de Lara, Duke of Asturias. Castilla was broken by the civil war, while Sevilla was more powerful than ever and his sheik, Abdul-Haleem Ali, who was know and the Iron Fist of Allah in all the Christian world, became a nuisance for Steiner, as the reader may guess by now...
Then, in March, a bastard daughter of Ramon Berenger came to life. She was called Elizabeth, and she was sent as fast as possible to the nearest monastery, thus becoming the first nun who preached with a dummy in her lips.
Recovered from that scaring moment, Steiner considered that it was time to take a side in the fight, so he suggested to Ramon to join sides with Seville and to divide Iberia into two areas of influence.
-Are you kidding? To ally myself with the Moors -Ramon asked in a surprised and horrified Ramon- You won't think...
Kurt trying to find a cunning idea persuade Ramón with the help of some chums.
-Taking about waiting, m'lord... What are we waiting for? To see the Seville armies conquering your realm?
-But this kind of alliance is unholly...
-Well, you know... yes and no... Well, you see, our reputation may get a bit tarnished -"damn... where is Sir Humphrey Appleby when one does need him" Steiner wondered- but with our lands untouched... We'll guess later on how to sovle this problem...
But the problem never came to be, as, without no apparent rease, the Pope decided it was time for a crusade –well, just a
negotium pacis et fidei, a time to conquer peace and faith-. So, William of Engalnd and duke of Normandy decided it was time to go on crusade, so he landed at Lisboa on July 1st, 1085. He was decided to free Jerusalem by using Iberia as his a place to gather his troops before attacking the main goal.
So, without asking the native, he decided to freed the Spamiards -who weren't Spamiards because the spam didn't exist yet- so, the chace with a pact with the Moors went to hell.
William while asking some Welsh sheep about the whereabouts of Jerusalen.
The good thing was that the Moors were busy with the English crusaders, and not with them. So, Ramón and Steiner were happy. And Alfonso, as it was usual to him, attempt to recover Toledo with the biggest army ever seen...
...just to fail again... The Moors, bored about kicking his ass, this time didn't bother to pursue him. So, Alfonso, with no army, no money and no honey, had to to see how Lope de Haro and Nuño de Lara, in just a month of rebellion, won their final freedom. Alfonso, who was quite stressed, began to see treason and traitors everywhere so, to avoid problems he killed his young son Fadrique, because he thought that Fadrique was conspiring to kill him and his elder brother and to take the crown. Actually the conspirancy wasn't directed by Fadrique, but by his elder brother, but... bad luck, you know...
However, Alfonso had a stroke of a genius and, while Nuño de Lara was strike bu grief due to the unexpected death of his wife, in a sudden atatck he reconquered Asturias and, after helping to die to Juan, duke of Galicia, he took the duchy too, in October 1085. The tarnished reputation of the king sunk even lower, even if no one could prove his part on the murder of Juan. The fact that the duchy went to him as he was the next step in the succession line made him to appear guily. Afraid of death or of Alfonso, Lope de Haro smade peaces with his king in December... and died, in odd circumstances, in January 1086,
Finally, while Ramón Berenguer II created for himself the title of Duke of the Spanish March, the Mooslim power defeated the English crusaders for good. Thus endeth the English expedition, which, even if it was a failure, damaged a bit Sevilla, which wasn't bad at all.
A good new was the caming to life of the daughter of Ramón and Katharine, the princess Sibila. Sick of happines, Steiner paid homage to the grave of Maccabeus, with a lovely pack of flowers. Maccabeus wouldn't ever appear in the books of history, but he was a heroe for Kurty, who won't ever forget his last words -well, last word- of the Aragonese, who, while falling, shouted to him:
-
Bastaaaaaaaaarrrdddddd!!!!!!
“He had no word for no one -Steiner thought, while crying tenderly due to the crazy laughter that the remembrance had caused-. Not for his wife, not for his king, not even for the two... the two... of his wife...... Just for me... Maccabeus, I won't forget you, I swear it" -he said, while Peti allowed his ass to set music to the moving moment.
A legend was born...
1086 began with winds of war. Ramón Berenguer II, without caring about the weather, landed in Majorca with 4.000 swords, to conquer the island for God and for himself, of course. Before departing from Barcelona, Steiner blessed the expeditionary force with the following words: “we few, we happy few, we band of ruthless bastards”.
Those words were very much like by the expeditionaries. Thus, they fought with an undefeatable spirit, so, un just a month the island was conquered, without a battle, but for a brief siege, so the king conquered the rest of the island boefre no one could do it first. So Menorca was the next step, and fell fast enough. In those day, by the way, Ramon Berenguer created the title of Duke of Catalunya, just for his pleasure.
The year, thus, began with in a almost perfect way. Then, the bad news came...
The grave of the late Judas Maccabeus,
courtesy of Kurt Steiner