• We have updated our Community Code of Conduct. Please read through the new rules for the forum that are an integral part of Paradox Interactive’s User Agreement.
Murmurandus said:
It's of course the paralel story which confuses me. I'm not that daft... :mad: ;) :D

I know, I know, sorry. I know your not that daft. It was just in case... All in all, it's the same old tale: the good Cardinal Petrus wants to save the world from Steiner. Why this play-within-the-play? Blame Shakespeare, Hamlet and my teachers of English Literature... :rofl:
 
Kurt_Steiner said:
I know, I know, sorry. I know your not that daft. It was just in case... All in all, it's the same old tale: the good Cardinal Petrus wants to save the world from Steiner. Why this play-within-the-play? Blame Shakespeare, Hamlet and my teachers of English Literature... :rofl:

Mmm, that's why I never really liked Shakespeare... ;)
 
There is only one Steiner already.
 
Judas' fate is a sad one. It shows how noble person can fall from the grace of Our Lord and Saviour. But it isn't too late to repent. Judas come back and all will be forgiven. We will burn away your sins together in a great fire.
 
Murmurandus said:
Mmm, that's why I never really liked Shakespeare... ;)

You heretic...

JimboIX said:
There is only one Steiner already.

And there can be only one... the world couldn't stand two, methinks... :D

Olaus Petrus said:
Judas' fate is a sad one. It shows how noble person can fall from the grace of Our Lord and Saviour. But it isn't too late to repent. Judas come back and all will be forgiven. We will burn away your sins together in a great fire.

As Stich of the Pitch would say:

"I like your Style! Last Time I met a psycho like you I ate 'im!"

:D
 
Cleaning up so much in Iberia the Pope has to do his own work in Tunisia? That's hilarious. Well, at least you are #1 in Spain regardless of what your goth cousins say.
 
coz1 said:
Cleaning up so much in Iberia the Pope has to do his own work in Tunisia? That's hilarious. Well, at least you are #1 in Spain regardless of what your goth cousins say.

Trust me, I was speechless. About my goth cousins... let's them say whathever they want... at least, while they have a tongue to use. :D
 
7th Chapter, 2nd Season
Hurry, boy, hurry!

December, 1190. Calatrava is freed from the Muslim infidel by the Catalan king, who is on his way of freeing Spain but who is tired of being the only one who seems to be really figthing. Thus, he send a letter to the rest of the Christian Kings of the Peninsular.

Dear Kings,

I would say that I'm dead tired of you, but it is not quite polite, so I will not ell you, pack of bast... Er... let's do another try...

Dear Kings,

I, Alfons, by God's Grace, King of Aragon and count of Barcelona, ruler of Valencia and of the Balearic Islands, am I going to free all the Christian land at this side of the sea -Mediterranean, just in case- until the big blue sea in the west -Atlantic, do they call it?- from any Infidel alive and kicking. Once this have been achived, in God's name, I will kick your asses, too, unworth filthy thing,

Yours truly,​

Amazingly, no one took him seriously. Dunno why. Search me, really.

ScreenSave55.jpg

Steiner: Erm... m'lord...

Alfons: Yes?

Steiner :perhaps it's not a good a idea to be so arrogant. It's true that Alfonso VIII of Castilla is as harmful as a pussy cat, but the king of León is a quite warrior moddo these days.

Alfons: So what? I have God on my side.

Steiner (muttering to himself): I truly hope so.

Steiner has some reasons to be worried. During his military campaigns, the king of León had conquered the whole Extremadura and now had put Córdoba under siege. It is true, however, that Steiner had plans to get rid of him, sooner or later. It is true, too, that Alfons had the same kind of ideas on his mind. However, the moment was not the best choosen, as they had their hands fulls with the moors. Then, Steiner had the chance to be surprised... Was he?

ScreenSave105.jpg


-My king -the grave voice of the marshall of the king, Bernat de Bornell, annouced to those who wanted to hear-, the emir of Seville has declared war on us.

-Really? -the king replied with a big grin- Excellent, no need to search for a casus belli, then.

The war, unexpectedly, entered into a hard phase. With reinforcements from Africa, the Muslim armies keep Alfons' at bay. Unable to advance, suffering some defeats (1), the Catalan warriors semeed incapable of breaking the stiff resistance of their enemies.

Meanwhile, Castille and Navarra kept themselves still, with no frontiers with the Moors while León and Portugal kept on advancing. Thus, quite worried about the possibility of being "helped" by his royal cousins, Alfons raised new levies, recruited more mercenaries and asked the Military Orders for more knights.

Then he talked to the gathered armies with the famous words:

-My brother warriors... we are few and they are quite a lot, but, cursed be them all, I have such a righteous fire of true faith in me that I am going to burn their pagan idols!!!! Who is going to join me in my quest to fulfill God's will!!!!

And all the voices replied

-For God and for Hispania! Paella Rules!

[
ScreenSave101-1.jpg

The first one to whom Alfons paid a visit was the ruler of Badajoz, which ended surrounded in his city, under sever siege and being bombarded day and night by the siege machines. Meanwhile, the fantic priest, Pater Duck, kept on in his crusade to convert by fire all the unbelivers.

In this way, on January 25, 1191, Alfons started which looked as the last Crusade, the battle which was going to decide the fate of the world.

Alfons was going to free Spain.

Or he was going to send Spain packing.

The question was: Did Spain wanted to be freeded?


Had just the last foray in the infidel lands, Cardinal Petrus, arosed the Ash Wastes to his citadel. Once he entered, he could see the good works that his followers were converting those pagans into true Christians.

-Repeat after me -a voice said- We deserve to be punished.

-We deserve to be punished -many voices replied.

-All praise to Cardinal Petrus!

-All praise to Cardinal Petrus!

-What about me -asked Cardinal Ized.

-Shut up -Petrus replied-. Don't disturb them, once they've found the right line, er, way. However...

-Yes, my good Cardinal?

-We have failed, again, to kill that bastard being... Steiner is still free... and worse still... Judas is alive and kicking...

-But my lord...

However, Cardinal Petrus was unmoved, so he gathered ten warriors who, according to him, had failed to show the proper courage on the battlefield, and put them facing a deep ravine.

Then Petrus said:

-Your sins are so grievous, that, much as I would like to, I cannot overlook them. Then, you will suffer the punishment of Decimation!

Then, he came behind the first warrior and kicked his ass to the ravine.

-One!

-Aaaaaaaaaaaaarg!!!!

Then came the next one

-Two!

-Three!

-Er... Cardinal -My lord Jimbo, son of the deceased Pope Jimbo IX- I hate to question your judgement, but... but... surely decimations means only one is killed, and nine survive?

-Not the way I do it -came Petru's reply- Fourth!

Some minutes later, Cardinal Ized came with his new and defintive weapon of mass destruction of Kurtinfidels and Judascums.

-Here you have it! -he shouted, wildly!

K16.jpg

Cardinal Petrus: WTF... A woman! A sinful creature on my holy citadel?!?!?!
Cardinal Ized: Don't be so negative, my lord!
Jimbo: To hell, we are going to go to hell.
Murmurandus: Well, she's quite nice... methinks...
Cardinal Petrus: Dear God... what I have done to deserve this?
Murmurandus: Perfect... now the Pet Shops Boys are going to sue us for plagiarism... Perfect...



In some hidden corner, Judas has found the definitive anti-Kurty's weapon!


blanquita.jpg

Blanquita (2), the new weapon​

Blanquita: Gooooooooooooooood morning!
Judas: Its alive, it's alive, it's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!! Thanked be Great Mac-spirit!!!!


(1) No screens with my defeats. What a shame... :D
(2) You know... Spain has a military formation called the Legión, the Foreign Legion. Ok. They have a pet, a moat called Blanquita. Well, that's our Spitting Image Blanquita, so to speak.

I know, my sense of humor grews worse... but... :D
 
Kurt_Steiner said:
blanquita.jpg

Blanquita (2), the new weapon​

Blanquita: Gooooooooooooooood morning!
Judas: Its alive, it's alive, it's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!! Thanked be Great Mac-spirit!!!!
[/COLOR]

Oh gods!! Not more freaky puppets!! :eek: :eek: :eek:
 
English Patriot said:
Oh gods!! Not more freaky puppets!! :eek: :eek: :eek:
That's a puppet :eek: :D

Anyways since I selected you for writer of the week, i guess I have to comment ;)

Don't worry your sense of humor isn't worse because everyone needs to be kicked in the butt sometimes :D
 
Kurt_Steiner said:
-For God and for Hispania! Paella Rules!

ROFL that was my best part . Paella really does rule !!!
 
English Patriot said:
Oh gods!! Not more freaky puppets!! :eek: :eek: :eek:

I'm afraid it was necessary. The Anti-Steiner Crusade needs a symbol.

:D

comagoosie said:
Anyways since I selected you for writer of the week, i guess I have to comment ;)

Gosh... what an underserved honor, really. Thank you very much!

About the humour... I know it's not bad. I just want to be sure that it doesn't go to far away.

canonized said:
ROFL that was my best part . Paella really does rule !!!

I disagree, my little bro. Your best part is your new weapon. It has not horns, as it has Judas' (Judas' weapon, that is, Blanquita), but it's going to be... a interesting trial for Steiner. If Cardinal Petrus doesn't mind a female ally. :D
 
With friends like Leon, who needs enemies. Keep rolling them up in Spain and try to get in position when the time comes to take the war to your Christian brothers. ;)
 
Kurtinfidels are dastardly, and must be stamped out..
 
coz1 said:
With friends like Leon, who needs enemies. Keep rolling them up in Spain and try to get in position when the time comes to take the war to your Christian brothers. ;)

Oh, the Lion King, er..., the King of Lion is doing fine. The more infidels he kills, the lesser I must defeat. And the more casualties he suffers in the process... :D

JimboIX said:
Kurtinfidels are dastardly, and must be stamped out..

As it was foretold, so shall it be... I guess...
 
Well, she's quite nice... methinks...

:D
 
This is difficult theological question. To whom righteous man should support in a battle between Heathen Moors and heretic Kurtinfidels and Judascums?

If we look this from logical point of view Petrus Abelardus wrote: "Kill em all! Those bloody bastards deserve to die! But more importantly what happened to my nuts? All I ever wanted was to make love with my sweet Héloïse. Is that so wrong?"
 
Murmurandus said:
Well, she's quite nice... methinks...

:D

Wise boy, indeed... :D

Olaus Petrus said:
This is difficult theological question. To whom righteous man should support in a battle between Heathen Moors and heretic Kurtinfidels and Judascums?

If we look this from logical point of view Petrus Abelardus wrote: "Kill em all! Those bloody bastards deserve to die! But more importantly what happened to my nuts? All I ever wanted was to make love with my sweet Héloïse. Is that so wrong?"

A) Make love, not war.

B) Kill first he Moors, then the Judascumaccabeus and then, then we shall see...

C) Send me Héloïse cell phone number, please.

Finally, as I see that there is no arguing about Judas' secret weapon, thereby I suppose that my good Cardinal agrees with that new tool of mass destruction. :D
 
8th Chapter, 2nd Season
Australia!

Australia?

Dibujo.jpg


The letter saith that Vukan I Nemanjic, king of Serbia and earl of Zeta (Zeta, not Zeta-Jones) and Rashka wanted to sign an alliance with Aragon.

ScreenSave21.jpg

Steiner, who was quarreling with Peti for a slice of Pizza, asked:

-Are you really considering an alliance with Serbia, m'lord? But if they are in the most forgotten corner of Europe!

The king, however, replied:

-Nevertheless, my loyal Kurtz, Serbia is rather closer than Australia, don't uoy think?

Steiner, knowing that the king had no idea of what the heck was that little thing called Australia -as neither Colon nor Cook nor the rest of the pack were still ready to sail-, felt a thrill going up his spine.

The king, knowing that Steiner knew that he had no idea of what the heck was that little thing called Australia, smiled to his inner self and thought: "Soon I'll be the only one to rule... there can be only one....".

***​

Meanwhile, the Spanish Moorlanders were having a bad time. Annhilated the army of the sheik of Málaga, the city surrendered on June 26th, 1992, the sortest siege ever -21 days.

ScreenSave22.jpg


The next place visited was Algeciras, to shut off the African Door, so to sepak. The local ruler, Muhammad, knowing he had not enough soldiers to face the Aragonese warriors, launched a suicide attack that was quite liked by the royal host, as they had only to put forward their spears and allow the Moormizakes to kill themselves. Thus, on August 26th the Moor army annhilated themselve in fron of the city, which, as usual, was under siege in a short while.

The King: I have an idea...
Lo Steiner: -Yep?
The King -My son and heir, Pere... I'm going to make him count of Mallorca.
Lo Steiner: Ah... ok...

To congratulate with the royal idea, on September 6th Algeciras surrendered and, that very day, Orio, consul of Venice, proposed an alliance to Aragon, that was answered in the same fashion than the Serbian proposel. That is, no answer at all.

ScreenSave31.jpg

The King (waving his hands) -No, Steiner. To hell with Venice. What can you expect of a city who has a ruler called like a cookie?

Steiner (having some kind of allucinatory vision) -But...

The King (talking with Kong) -To hell with Venice, I don't like its carnival, either.

This comment settle Steiner's fears. The king had decided to compete with Steiner in making more surrealist coments.


ScreenSave29.jpg

By December the king started with his crusade against Cádiz and, following the tradition, he crushed the enemy army in the usual fashion, that is, killing to the last man. Then, he wento to the city and asked the citizens to surrender.

The King: -Surrender now!
Anonimous Gaditan voice: -Or...?
The King: -What?
Anonimous Gaditan voice: You must add: surrender or die! you know, the usual comment
Steiner -What a cheek...
The King: -I'll kill every one of them...
Anonimous Gaditan voice: -Try it tomorrow, please, we are on Carnivals now
Steiner: -In December?
The King: -What the...!?!?!
von Shaka: -Hey! That's my sentence!
Anonimous Gaditan voice: -We knew you were coming and we felt that the siege wouldn't last to February...
Steiner: -What a cheek...
von Shaka: -You're repeting thyself.
Steiner: -I'm not going to repeat thy sentence, so I'm not going to pay royalties to thee.
von Shaka: -What the...

ScreenSave33-1.jpg

Then, on March 30, 1192, Pere, count of Mallorca, left the kingdom without a heir by his sudden death.


Steiner was thinking about the Mallorca affair when something came of the balcony. He could only see a long pair of female legs and a tiny voice saying:

-Hiya, Kurty... the Aussie has landed...

Stiener, who only had time to cross himself, had enough time, nevertheless, to think that, in that very moment, a beautiful friendship had started.


Cardinal Ized: Well, m'lord... Steiner is in our hands.
ALL: OH YEAH!!!!
Cardinal Petrus: Psche... a lady... I don't think she may win where I was unable to...
Cardenal Ized: You don't have her physical attribues, your excellency, I'm afraid...
Judas: Hey, hey, hey...
Cardinal Petrus: What?
Judas: Hey.
Cardinal Ized: What?
Judas: Hey.
Cardinal Petrus (pointing at Judas wit his favourite Axe): Throw it or die.
Cardinal Ized: It's 'throw it or shut up', methinks.
Cardinal Petrus. Do you think he's going to talk if I kill him? Amateurs...
Judas: Hey, she is MY invention.
Cardinal Petrus: Talk with von Shaka about your Copyright...
 
My first reaction to this otherwise splendid update is: WTF?? ;) :D