7th Chapter, 2nd Season
Hurry, boy, hurry!
December, 1190. Calatrava is freed from the Muslim infidel by the Catalan king, who is on his way of freeing Spain but who is tired of being the only one who seems to be really figthing. Thus, he send a letter to the rest of the Christian Kings of the Peninsular.
Dear Kings,
I would say that I'm dead tired of you, but it is not quite polite, so I will not ell you, pack of bast... Er... let's do another try...
Dear Kings,
I, Alfons, by God's Grace, King of Aragon and count of Barcelona, ruler of Valencia and of the Balearic Islands, am I going to free all the Christian land at this side of the sea -Mediterranean, just in case- until the big blue sea in the west -Atlantic, do they call it?- from any Infidel alive and kicking. Once this have been achived, in God's name, I will kick your asses, too, unworth filthy thing,
Yours truly,
Amazingly, no one took him seriously. Dunno why. Search me, really.
Steiner: Erm... m'lord...
Alfons: Yes?
Steiner
erhaps it's not a good a idea to be so arrogant. It's true that Alfonso VIII of Castilla is as harmful as a pussy cat, but the king of León is a quite warrior moddo these days.
Alfons: So what? I have God on my side.
Steiner (muttering to himself): I truly hope so.
Steiner has some reasons to be worried. During his military campaigns, the king of León had conquered the whole Extremadura and now had put Córdoba under siege. It is true, however, that Steiner had plans to get rid of him, sooner or later. It is true, too, that Alfons had the same kind of ideas on his mind. However, the moment was not the best choosen, as they had their hands fulls with the moors. Then, Steiner had the chance to be surprised... Was he?
-My king -the grave voice of the marshall of the king, Bernat de Bornell, annouced to those who wanted to hear-, the emir of Seville has declared war on us.
-Really? -the king replied with a big grin- Excellent, no need to search for a casus belli, then.
The war, unexpectedly, entered into a hard phase. With reinforcements from Africa, the Muslim armies keep Alfons' at bay. Unable to advance, suffering some defeats (1), the Catalan warriors semeed incapable of breaking the stiff resistance of their enemies.
Meanwhile, Castille and Navarra kept themselves still, with no frontiers with the Moors while León and Portugal kept on advancing. Thus, quite worried about the possibility of being "helped" by his royal cousins, Alfons raised new levies, recruited more mercenaries and asked the Military Orders for more knights.
Then he talked to the gathered armies with the famous words:
-My brother warriors... we are few and they are quite a lot, but, cursed be them all, I have such a righteous fire of true faith in me that I am going to burn their pagan idols!!!! Who is going to join me in my quest to fulfill God's will!!!!
And all the voices replied
-For God and for Hispania! Paella Rules!
The first one to whom Alfons paid a visit was the ruler of Badajoz, which ended surrounded in his city, under sever siege and being bombarded day and night by the siege machines. Meanwhile, the fantic priest, Pater Duck, kept on in his crusade to convert by fire all the unbelivers.
In this way, on January 25, 1191, Alfons started which looked as the last Crusade, the battle which was going to decide the fate of the world.
Alfons was going to free Spain.
Or he was going to send Spain packing.
The question was: Did Spain wanted to be freeded?
Had just the last foray in the infidel lands, Cardinal Petrus, arosed the Ash Wastes to his citadel. Once he entered, he could see the good works that his followers were converting those pagans into true Christians.
-Repeat after me -a voice said- We deserve to be punished.
-We deserve to be punished -many voices replied.
-All praise to Cardinal Petrus!
-All praise to Cardinal Petrus!
-What about me -asked Cardinal Ized.
-Shut up -Petrus replied-. Don't disturb them, once they've found the right line, er, way. However...
-Yes, my good Cardinal?
-We have failed, again, to kill that bastard being... Steiner is still free... and worse still... Judas is alive and kicking...
-But my lord...
However, Cardinal Petrus was unmoved, so he gathered ten warriors who, according to him, had failed to show the proper courage on the battlefield, and put them facing a deep ravine.
Then Petrus said:
-Your sins are so grievous, that, much as I would like to, I cannot overlook them. Then, you will suffer the punishment of Decimation!
Then, he came behind the first warrior and kicked his ass to the ravine.
-One!
-Aaaaaaaaaaaaarg!!!!
Then came the next one
-Two!
-Three!
-Er... Cardinal -My lord Jimbo, son of the deceased Pope Jimbo IX- I hate to question your judgement, but... but... surely decimations means only one is killed, and nine survive?
-Not the way I do it -came Petru's reply- Fourth!
Some minutes later, Cardinal Ized came with his new and defintive weapon of mass destruction of Kurtinfidels and Judascums.
-Here you have it! -he shouted, wildly!
Cardinal Petrus: WTF... A woman! A sinful creature on my holy citadel?!?!?!
Cardinal Ized: Don't be so negative, my lord!
Jimbo: To hell, we are going to go to hell.
Murmurandus: Well, she's quite nice... methinks...
Cardinal Petrus: Dear God... what I have done to deserve this?
Murmurandus: Perfect... now the Pet Shops Boys are going to sue us for plagiarism... Perfect...
In some hidden corner, Judas has found the definitive anti-Kurty's weapon!
Blanquita (2), the new weapon
Blanquita: Gooooooooooooooood morning!
Judas: Its alive, it's alive, it's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!! Thanked be Great Mac-spirit!!!!
(1) No screens with my defeats. What a shame...
(2) You know... Spain has a military formation called the Legión, the Foreign Legion. Ok. They have a pet, a moat called Blanquita. Well, that's our Spitting Image Blanquita, so to speak.
I know, my sense of humor grews worse... but...