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To war!!!​
 
The crusading has focused you, I see. Either that, or the famous scary guys looking over your shoulder. Either way, the enemy is feeling Catalan steal and that's a good thing.
 
Mettermrck said:
To war!!!

Indeed. Even St. Augustine would agree in this point with me...

coz1 said:
The crusading has focused you, I see. Either that, or the famous scary guys looking over your shoulder. Either way, the enemy is feeling Catalan steal and that's a good thing.

Indeed... the question is... who's going to taste the Catalan steal first? :D
 
ROFL . Now i'm imagining our Grand Moff aiming the Death Star at the Balaeres ! An excellent chapter ! Glad to see the new faces XD
 
canonized said:
ROFL . Now i'm imagining our Grand Moff aiming the Death Star at the Balaeres ! An excellent chapter ! Glad to see the new faces XD

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"I think it is time we demonstrated the full power of this kingdom. Set your course for Mallorca."
 
canonized said:
ROFL . Now i'm imagining our Grand Moff aiming the Death Star at the Balaeres ! An excellent chapter ! Glad to see the new faces XD

Now he has another destination for the Catalan Steel... :D

Castille?

Muslim lands?

All in all, they're all heretics...

DarkReborn said:
"I think it is time we demonstrated the full power of this kingdom. Set your course for Mallorca."

Good idea... but I'm going to test my power with a more powerful enemy kingdom...
 
Chapter 3rd, 2nd Season
Conquering the neighbours

Once the crusade was widely now, Steiner was quite close to persuade Alfons that the time to conquer Castille had arrived. Alàs, the court of bishops and cardinals there -among all of them the powerful Cardinal Petrus, the mighty Cardinal Ized (great great great parent of the future Pope Canonized) and Cardinal Ximenez- persuaded the king that the Muslim powers were first... Thus the war was decided.

After some thinking, Alfons pointed a place in the map, Castellon, and declared that he won't take a rest till the last Muslim infidel had been expelled from the Peninsula.

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March 9th, 1189 was the day when Aragon let know to the sheik of Castellon that they were at war. In fact, the sheik, Mushlidin of Castellon, received two messages. The first one just said:

"Hi, my blonde beloved child, wiggle it for me" (1)

The second one

"er... sorry, messages crossed... er... we are at war, if you don't mind".

So it was...

Outraged by the first message, the emir of Valencia declared war on Alfons (2). In rage for the second, the Almohade kingdom joined the party (3). Meanwhile, Alfons was on the way to Castellon with 19.000 of his warriors, ready to conquer everything at hand and to fulfill God's will.

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On the 10th came a surprise: Portugal, the loyal ally of Aragon, declared war too... to Cadiz.

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"Well" -Steiner said- "Better that than nothing... I'spose..."

Nexst day came two more war declarations, Castille and Leon against Cordoba and Seville, and, two days later, England, loyal ally of Leon.

DEUS VULT!

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Mushlidin of Castellon, awfully funny by the Christian messages and promise of paying him a visit


However, the Almohaed ruled did not stay iddle and sent a power army to defend Castellon. It was, then a question of being fast, Alfons thought. On April 15th, 8,515 brave Christian crusaders, plus 9,000 more that joined two days later, happily slaughtered the Moorish army of Mushlidin, 6,200 strong all in all, well, not all after the battle, you know, as half of the Moor army remained for ever in the battlefield.

Then, something silly took place. Abdul Haziz, the Almohad king, once he was in place with the rescue army, instead of attacking in a coherent way, sent his army piecemal, wave after wave, just to be slaughtered one by one. Even for the hardest and vicious Crusader, it was a boring succession of battles.

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Thus, on April 1st, Castellon was conquered by Alfons, who went after Valencia -paella and all that, you know...-. Crushed its feble army on may, the city had to endure a boring and gruesome siege until it surrender on June, 21st, once they exhausted all the reserves of rice. Anne was furious, so it was Lestat, but to no avail (4).

Meanwhile, the peninsula was, apparently, quite nice and iddle.

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Apparently.

(1) It remains a mistery who was the blond one who had to get the message... Steiner swore it was not addressed to Judas Maccabeus. Judas agreed on that, too.
(2) It is said that the Emir of Valencia wasn't blond, but bald, and he got the message wrong.
(3) It is said that the Almohad king had a problem with his protuberant belly and wanted to get rid of some pounds... so...
(4) Er... Anne... Rice... Lestat... the joke... well... it was a boring siege, you know, I had to kept my Crusaders busy with some jokes... For God's sake, Peti! Stop throwing stones at me! Cardinal Petrus, stop giving Peti more stones! Judas, you too?!?!?
 
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ROFL the blonde joke was unexpected but hilarious . And take those moors down !!
 
Man, that was a wild ride. It sounded like everyone got in on that infidel-bashing.
 
canonized said:
ROFL the blonde joke was unexpected but hilarious . And take those moors down !!

Well, it just came to me while writting the English version so... I couldn't resist.

coz1 said:
Man, that was a wild ride. It sounded like everyone got in on that infidel-bashing.

Trust me, I got surprised by some many volunteers. Later on, they surprised me again... several times, you'll see why.

Mettermrck said:
I think 'wiggle it' is a perfectly acceptable casus belli. ;)

Me too, but, deppending on who is going to wiggle and depending on the "it", I can be a bit tolerant...
 
Valencia-paella sounds wicked good..
 
JimboIX said:
Valencia-paella sounds wicked good..

And it is good, trust me... Were Homer Simpson to know about it, he would change his food preferences...

Murmurandus said:
Mmmmmm, paella...

You see? :D

However, I'm quite worried about you two, JimboIX -what a name for a Pope! (1)- and Murmurandus. No questions about the wiggling blonde, but about food... mmmh... that speaks a lot for itself... :D

(1) Pope Jimbo IX... mmmh... :p
 
I'm bit worried if the show has jumped over the shark. :p This far I have had no trouble to understand what is going on and compared to the anarchy of late 1st season, it's worrysome. Steiner sounds too sane.

"Here Peti, have some more stones." :D
 
Olaus Petrus said:
I'm bit worried if the show has jumped over the shark. :p

That's good

Olaus Petrus said:
This far I have had no trouble to understand what is going on

That's... good, I'spose...

Olaus Petrus said:
... and compared to the anarchy of late 1st season, it's worrysome.

Indeed. I've to do something about it...

Olaus Petrus said:
Steiner sounds too sane.

That's... er... sane?

*moment of hesitation*

Peti wonders what's going on, and keeps eating a big pizza.

sane...

*more hesitation. Finally. Kurt makes up his mind. More or less, you know...*

Hello. My name is Iñigo Kurt Steiner de Montoya. You called me sane. Prepare to die.

http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=i3W5GDkgf2w

:D

Olaus Petrus said:
"Here Peti, have some more stones." :D

That's my Cardinal!!!! :D

Er... Cardinal... do you have more pizzas?



My 6,000th Post. :D
 
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4th Chapter, 2nd Season
Cardinal points

Alfons, in order to not get stressed by the many conquests, gave Menorca and Mallorca to her wife, Sancha de Borgoña.

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One this was achieved, a problem came.

-M'lord! Who is better Cardinal, me or Cardinal Ized? -an angry Cardinal Petrus asked.

Alfons, surprised, could find no words, so the quarrelling went on and on.

Suddenly inspired, Cardinal Petrus let go an arousing speech:

Heresy is like a tree, its roots lie in the darkness whilst its leaves wave in the sun and to those who suspect nought, it has an attractive and pleasing appearance. Truly, you can prune away its branches, or even cut the tree to the ground, but it will grow up again ever the stronger and ever more comely. Yet all awhile the root grows thick and black, gnawing at the bitter soil, drawing its nourishment from the darkness, and growing even greater and more deeply entrenched. Such is the nature of heresy, and this is why it is so hard to destroy, for it must be eradicated leaf, branch, trunk and root. It must be exorcised utterly or it will return all the stronger, time and time again, until it is too great to destroy. Then we are doomed.

No one understood all this mumbo-jumbo, but they liked it, anyway. As Cardinal Petrus considered himself Justicar of the Faith, he kept scourging the king till the agreed to go on crusade against Valencia. Sooner or later the king was going to do it, true, but Cardinal Petrus wasn't a man who enjoyed waiting.

The two armies, the aragonese led by king Alfons and the infidel raised by Abd el Rahman, met outside Valencia. To Alfonso's worry, he could see cleary that both Cardinals Ized and Petrus were more willing to kill each other than to fight the enemy, so he had a cunning plan...

Petrus (to Ized): Your time has come, that much I promise you...

Ized (to Petrus): Loathsome Vermin! You cannot witshand the power of my sword of Persecution!

-And you both -Alfons replied- cannot withstand the power of my rage... so, shut up.

Good old Petiniebla was going to say something about his farting power, but he realized it wasn't the moment.

Then, while waiting, Cardinal Petrus inspected the weaponry of his host. He was very disturbed by the idea of seeing a dirty pair of shocks. He had had a dream, and was to be sure that the enemy would run because of the fear that the Christian army would cause on them by its courage, not by its odour...

Suddenly, the Muslim army charged. They knew they were too few to defeat the Christian army, so the put all their hope into a desperate movement. When the alarm was raised, Judas Maccabeus shouted to the king, while pointing at the enemy ranks!

-The enemy! The enemy is attacking!

Steiner smiled inwardly and thought "Perceptive as ever, my little Judas..."

Cardinal Petrus turned to his aid de camp and asked: -Bring me my battle axe and the earplugs...

-Earplugs, sir?

-Of course, they're for me. I'm not going to allow the enemy screams to distract me of my holy work, that is, to have a nice massacre.

Thus the battle started...

Cardinal Petrus shouted: "Feel the wrath of Redemption!"

Cardinal Ized replied "Scourge and Purge!"

Then Judas let it go: "Fish and chips!"

As he noticed that everybody was looking at him, he replied "What? They robbed me the best sentences!". Thus the Christian army charged. The battle was brief, but bloody.

Under siege Valencia lasted for a month and a day, till it surrendered on July 21st, the same very ay that the emir of Badajoz declared that, unless Aragon paid a tax to him, he would declared war to Alfons, who answered:

-I would rather die than be disgraced by paying! La pela es la pela, nano (1)

"I like a man who takes violence seriously", the emir thought, once he knew the catalan answer. It didn't matter, really, as Dènia, the next step on Alfòns' way, surrendered on September 26th. However, there were some bad news.

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Once Dènia was freeded from the Muslim, some messages came to Valencia, where Alfons was resting a bit.

The first came from Badajoz. Again, the emir asked for his money. As Alfons send him packing, Abd-al-Alla couldn't help but thinking

"Pity you've going to die, Alfons... you're my kind of maniac".

The second one came from Burgos. It was a short message from the Castillian king that "suggested" to Alfons not to go further conquering and to keep to the agreement that their grandfathers reached some decades ago about the borders. This meant that Aragon had reached its maxim extension.

-What? Raise the Army! We go to conquer as farther as Gibraltar! Steiner?

-Yes, my king?

-How are the Castillians doing, by the way?

-Very good. They've conquered six provinces: Toledo, Cuenca...

-Wait, wait... those are Castillian provinces, aren't they?

-Yes, but the Moors had conquered them at the beginning of the war.

Alfonso manages not lo laugh and says: Anything else?

-Mmmmh -Steiner takes a look on the documents-: La Mancha, Cordoba, Almansa and Granada.

-By the Holy Lamb! They're in our way!

-No, they're not... those provinces were conquered by the Almohade army last week...

The laughing mood of Alfonso spreads all around Valencia. Once he managed to get serious again, his armies march toward Almansa and Murcia.

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Alfonso is in doubt... Which is going to happen first? Will the sieges bel ended in a victory for Aragon or will the enemy armies reach them first?

Will the two Cardinals keep fighting between them? Will Judas ever find a good catchy sentence?

(1) Catalan saying: "money is hard to get", so to speak...
 
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Yeah, Judas got the laugh line. He should be happy. ;)

Keep conquering regardless of what Castille says. Who the heck are they to stand in your way?
 
LOL where is that heresy speech from ? Is that another 40k reference ? XD And yes , fish and chips is as good as SANTIAGO Y ESPANA !