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That's the spirit, Kurt! Nice way to keep this moving. As you say, you can't introduce this cast of characters and then leave them hanging. ;)
 
Sorry to hear about the saved game , Kurt ! But I am heartily encouraged by your perseverance !
 
Damn! I was hoping this madness was over... :p ;)
 
coz1 said:
That's the spirit, Kurt! Nice way to keep this moving. As you say, you can't introduce this cast of characters and then leave them hanging. ;)

Of course not! I cannot do that to them nor to you, my readers.

canonized said:
Sorry to hear about the saved game, Kurt ! But I am heartily encouraged by your perseverance !

I bet that it was your experience with the (not quite) Silent Room the one to blame for this... the odour killed my poor savegame... ;) Snif snif... poor savegame...

Murmurandus said:
Damn! I was hoping this madness was over... :p ;)

Congratz, Murmurandus! You've won a special murder... er... a special kill... er... a special behe... er... a special role in the following chapters! :D

I love such a volunteer spirit...

Soon, the closing end of the old season and the new chapter of the new one, all in one single update... or so so...

PS: I forgot to add the French lads and lassies in the equation of nations to be conquered, sorry. Catherine Denueve will look even more gorgeous while eating paella in The Champs Elysées... :D
PS2: And the German beer drinkers, as I'm still sure that I will reshape the German Empire. Goethe will love to write his works in Catalan. :D
PS3: And the English tea drinkers, as I'm still sure that they will be grateful for that. Queen Elizabeth will look gorgeous with the barretina :D .
PS4: And... and.. and time will tell. I've just taken a look and saw my new neighbours... and I know I'm going to be a bit busy, methinks. :D
 
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End of the 1st Season
Beginning of the 2nd Season


A new beginning... A new hope?

few images, a lot of words, a lot of non-sense...


A long time ago
IN a galaxy far, far away.
It is a period of civil war. Rebel
conspirators, striking from a hidden

base, are trying to destroy
the evil Steineric Empire.


Somewhere in the world, February 5th, 2007...

The black dressed figure came nearer to the other darker figures in the empty hall. They greet him... all but one. The newcomer looked right in the eye to the one who hadn't greet him.

Mr OP:-I don't like you -he says-. I cannot trust you... You don't have a penis.

The answer strikes back.

Mrs A:-Neither do I. You have a penis.

A disgusting silence falls over them. The third figure then suggests:

Mr. C:-Should we focus on our problem, please. And remember, let's not say our names. We must keep our secret hidden from the rest of the world. They won't ever understand that we are saving them from a terrible evil.

Mrs A:-Well, I knew that Judas was crazy, but to call him evil..

Mr. C:-Come one, don't say names! We are not even speaking of Judas, my lady. We are talking about Steiner. Amona, pay attention to... er...

Mr. OP:-Great, you too...

Mr. C:-Geez...

Mrs. A:-Er.... Olaus, don't look me so angered, please. I can't stand angry men. They make me feel... let's change the topic. We must stop good old stalker Stenier.

Again silence rules the room... Finally Lady Amona broke it:

Mrs A:-I wonder if I can trust you after all, Petrus... You're just a male.

Mr OP:-Don't start over again... You're an Etnal Krose, so I cannot be sure if we can rely on you to stop Steiner.

Mrs. A:-Well, he's a man and I can't trust your race. Furthermore, you will be glad to know that I distrust him more than I distrust you.

Mr. C:-So... Master Petrus... why has Steiner a bigger penis than you?

Amona and Olaus Petrus looked in a bewildered way to Canonized, who looked back unable to see where was the problem. Finally, Olaus broke the stunned silence.

Mr OP:-What on heart are you talking about, you fool!?!?!

Mr C:-Well... Amona said that she distrusts you... and she does that because you have a penis... if she distrusts Steiner more than you, I guess that...

Petrus shouts in anger, while Amona laughs openlly with her sweet tender voice. Finally, waving one of her delicate hands, she says:

Mr A:-Oh, shut up, my boy, will you!? I need a fag.

She takes a Malboro out of nowhere...

Once the calm was recovered and Amona filled the room with a gray smoke thiner than the fog of London, they went to the room of the machine. Canonized looks at the machine, puzzled. Then, Judas comes from behind the metal monster and says:

-Hiya! What a lady! If you want to chain yourself to my railings and suffer a jet movement...

Amona comes nearer and her knee suddenly comes into contacts with Judas's tender parts of his manhood. Suddenly shocked, he falls to the ground, muttering:

-Gneeeeeeeee....

Mr. OP:-Oh good... our main technican KO because you cannot take a joke...

Amona smiles and answers back:

-Be grateful that I don't kill human beings... well, now I remember, you're not even a human being, just a man...

Petrus hides behind of Canonized, who hides behind of Judas, who keeps muttering:

-Gneeeeeeeeeee...


After some time trying to make speak the speechless Judas...


-Well, you all folks! -Judas finally manages to utter- Here we have the machine, the finest work of the male British engineering!

Police_Box.JPG


Amona: A phone box?

Judas: You're mistaken, my lady. It's a dime piece machine!

Canonized: A timepiece, you mean.

Judas: No, no... a dime piece... it works if you put enough dimes in it.

Amona: But does it work?

Judas: You distrust the machine because it's a product of my male mind, don't you?

Amona: Errrrrrr... no... I distrust it because it's blue. Since when males have a mind, by the way?

Judas: I see... well... actually, I have no idea about if it works...

Amona: Male genius at work, I see...

Murmurandus (coming out of the blue, so to speak): Well, as the main chief of the enginieering group and as the main expert in the probablistic model of reality as we know it theorized by Doctor Mettermrck, and if anything exists at all, it must have a determinant solution, though there exist "stepped" portions of compexity-based unpredictablity, that may appear random, but when the details are examined closer, there will always be a wonderfully intricate logical explanation, so, the machine can and could work only if the infinite and infinitesima are capable of producing essentially, though not truly, random outputs.

Amona: You don't have any clue what you're talking about...

Murmurandus: Not the slightest one, my lady... oh my gosh... Wait wait wait!!! what a wonderful lady you are!!!! What a body! And what a pair of big breasts you have!!!! I suddenly...

Again, Amona's delicate knee came into not a quite delicate contact with the very delicate intimate parts of Murmurandus's body, who, as the reader may imagine, was unable to speak for a while.

Olaus: Amona, if you're going to hit everybody who makes a mistake...

Amona: I have two knees and I have just used one, Petrus.

Olaus: Well I have two bal... er... I see... Let's wait and see if the machine works...


After a while...


Murmurandus (murmuring in a whisper): My balls, my balls, my kingdom for my balls...

Canonized: So... the machine... works?

Judas: Dunno... could you spare a dime, mate?

Canonized puts the dime into the machine, which suddenly comes into life. Surprised, Canonized gets scared and farts, due to the unexpected event. Amona, whose delicate and little nose can't stand bad smells, swoons.

As she falls to the ground, a blue light strikes through the air where Amonas had been previoulsy standing on her galmourous feet -she has two, just in case the reader haven't guessed it-. The light strikes, then, to poor Judas, who suffers a sudden "furrisment" of his body, that is, he becomes a "furry" Judas.

yo2.jpg

Judas (sighining): Well... it's a bit too hot here... - he looks to the snowed mountains and feels the need of eating something cold-. I feel like an ice...

Amona (perplexed): You don't look like one...

---​

The storm broke the empirum while the disformity rule the space and threatened the whole universe to broke the pale reality. The cry that all the starts released crossed the known ways of the material experience and reached the last corner of the very existence.

Steiner felt it in his bones. He raised his head and looked through the windown into the dark night. Peti, his loyal but coward dog, hidden under the bed, was nothing but two bright eyes who looked scared. That night Peti didn't feel quite heroic.

Then Steiner turned to the bed and took a tender look of the fragile and diminute female figure who slept there. He sat down and caressed with his pale fingers the small toes of the delicate foot that had escaped from the clothes of the bed that covered the naked and sweet body. With a melancholic smile on his face, he allowed his fingers to go over the lilttle feet before covering it with the clothes.

Then, it was time to face the truth, and they went out of the room. Peti gathered all his mighty courage and went after him, thinking "he may be a fool, but he's my fool".

They go down the corridor, down the dark stairs and, when the enter into the big hall, the brilliant light of the day hurts their eyes. Where is the night?


Now they are back in Barcelona, on a cold day called January 1st, 1187 AD. A new and perplexed king looks at them...
 
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I want my own Dime Piece XD You silly Catalan and your ecclectic quasi obscene pseudo slapstick curiosities !! I love it !
 
Oh.My.God.

...

...

That.Did.Hurt.

...

...

...

:D
 
And so it begins again, but this time with a larger cast of characters to thwart you along the way. :D
 
I'm erm... glad to see that not even broken save stops this insanity.

Psst. Judas, it's time to use plan B. I was certain that braking the save would be enough, but no.
 
canonized said:
I want my own Dime Piece XD You silly Catalan and your ecclectic quasi obscene pseudo slapstick curiosities !! I love it !

Dime Piece... we're working on it. We've run out of dimes at the moment. Peti is going to do something about it... Peti... where are you going with that shotgun? Oh gosh... Bonny and Peti... well, I'm not going to be Bonny...

Murmurandus said:
Oh.My.God.
...
...
That.Did.Hurt.
...
...
...
:D

Remember... if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't count... EY!

Canonized, I got another priest for you! The Redemeer! :rofl:

Mettermrck said:
Well, Doctor already...*straightens tie*...

Doctor looked to me better than bishop... Somebody is too fond of ties, I see... Amona's influence is spreading... :D

coz1 said:
And so it begins again, but this time with a larger cast of characters to thwart you along the way. :D

I dunno what worries me more... the larger cast sof victi... er... characters, or having such a big powerful Moor neighbour in my southern border. I'm trying to convice the infidel ruler to invade some other country with better clima and food -for instance, England-, but, boy, I cannot persuade him...

Olaus Petrus said:
I'm erm... glad to see that not even broken save stops this insanity.

I was sure, for that reason, I found thee a delightful rival of thy measure, my dear Cardinal...

Olaus Petrus said:
Psst. Judas, it's time to use plan B. I was certain that braking the save would be enough, but no.

I hope that Plan B will keep your hands away from my underwear and its content or I'll get yours. Peti, prepare the Battleaxe...:D
 
Chapter 1st, 2nd Season

Neighbours

The situation of the Spanish Peninsula in 1187 wasn't quite good at a first glance. Nor at a second one. Not even a third one. As it was usual, the Christian kingdoms were divided and quarreling one against the other. This time, a particular feature of the balance of power looked too distressing for Steiner. All the Christian lords had a powerful enemy in front of them: the Almoravid kingdom, an empire which extended over most of North Africa and a great part of Spain and Portugal to the north in Europe. Since the Almoravid landed in the Peninsula in 1145 and defeated the Muslim princes in the Iberian Peninsula they had become a dangerous thorn in the Christian side. A terrible foe, Steiner was sure that there would be a way to cripple their power.

Thus looked Hispania:

ScreenSave0-1.jpg


Steiner was not happy with the size of the Almoravid emire, as it has been said. He was not happy, either, when he looked northwards and found those Castillian people (1) settled in Occitània. "The fight may begin in the North before it spreads to the South", he thought...

Another reason for his discomfort was the Aragonese king. Alfonso Ramón for his family, Alfonso II of Aragon, called the Chaste (2), for the rest of the world, ruled the kingdom since 1162. In him the the dinastic union of Barcelona and Aragón came true. He had two sons, Pere and Alfons, who came to life within his marriage with Sancha of Castille and of Poland (auntie of Alfonso VIII of Castille). He wasn't a bad king, but he was better poet than king.

ScreenSave5-1.jpg

Alfons, king of Aragon and count of Barcelona and Provence

In Navarra rule Sancho VI "the Wise". He wasn't quite friendly with his Christian neighbours, so he take a profit of his diplomatic habilities and, to keep the Aragonese and Castillian kingdoms at bay, he looked for some alliance with the English and French. Perhaps Steiner wasn't quite keen on giving him time to do that...

ScreenSave7.jpg

Sancho VI "the Wise", king of Navarra

If we forget the Almoravid empire, Steiner had another reason to be in not a quite good mood: Alfonso VIII of Borgoña, king of Castille, and 31 yearls old. Another talented diplomatic, he had an interesting feature: he had no male heir but two duaghters. Well, if luck helped, some marriage may erase the problem. And if the marriage wasn't enough, poison could do the trick.

ScreenSave8.jpg

Alfonso VIII of Borgoña, king of Castille

The next sproblem came from León and its king Fernando II of Borgoña, 50 years old and with two able sons. As the other Christian kings of Hispania he had some trobules with his Portugeuse and Castillian neighbours (3), plus with the Mulsim foe. A bit older by now, Steiner did not trust him,
either.
ScreenSave4-1.jpg

Fernando II of Borgoña, king of León

Just in case, Fernando offered a charming alliance to Alfonso of Aragon on January 2, 1187.

ScreenSave9-1.jpg

Finally there came Sancho I of Borgonha, king of Portugal. Brother in law of Alfonso -he was married with Dulce of Barcelona-, it was lately keener on fighting the Infidel that the Christian neighbours had he had done one. However, he didn't trust them either, as the had offered, too, an alliance to Barcelona.

ScreenSave10-1.jpg

Sancho I of Borgonha, king of Portugal​

Was Sancho thinking abour reconquering Galícia?

ScreenSave3.jpg

Steiner did not care. If it depended on him, only a feature of those kingdoms was going to last, that is, the common surname. Steienr even wanted to keep the first consonant and the last vowel, but he would get rid of all that was between this two signs. Provided that neither Occitània nor the Almoravid empire would cause some unexpected problem.

And no one ever expects the Iberic Inquisition...

(1) You see, Canonized, they were there... :D
(2) A chaste king? What comes next? A loyal wife?
(3) You see, Canonized, it is not just me... :D
 
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Things seem all too calm in this AAR. Time for some fireworks. ;)
 
Situation looks promising. I hope that Castilians and Almoravids end Steiner's reign of terror.
 
For the sake of my new sherry wine fetish , in the name of the Holy Office , I root for your reconquista and hope that you will spare your Castillian brothers ;) and go for southern Iberia ! Bring me Andalusia and Bacchanalia !
 
coz1 said:
Things seem all too calm in this AAR. Time for some fireworks. ;)

Yes... and there have been some quite interesting one... The problem is where to set the main one without burning my hands...

Olaus Petrus said:
Situation looks promising. I hope that Castilians and Almoravids end Steiner's reign of terror.

Let me quote another AAR as an answer, my dear Cardinal.

Dibujo.jpg

So... you join with that pest of the Christian world, that unruly people who wants to destroy the Civilized western culture, those goodless people, those heathen and vicious beings... well, in a word...




with those pesky Castilians?!?!?

I'll make you rot in hell for this, my dear Cardinal!!!!

Mettermrck said:
Mmm, I smell Almoravids on the menu, with a nice sauce and some potatoes on the side.

Why just Almoravids, Mr. Metermck? I'm not on diet. :D

canonized said:
For the sake of my new sherry wine fetish , in the name of the Holy Office , I root for your reconquista and hope that you will spare your Castillian brothers ;) and go for southern Iberia ! Bring me Andalusia and Bacchanalia !

For the first, thanks for your blessing. For the second... sparing my Castillian what? Not a chance, my friend, not a chance... Remember the wise words of the Reedemmer -reread your AAR...

If it doesn't hurt... it doesn't count... :D
 
Wow, this update actually made sense... :eek: :p
 
Murmurandus said:
Wow, this update actually made sense... :eek: :p

Oh shit... As I'm too bewildered by this unexpected fact, I'll make no furhther comments. Thus I humbly request the gentle reader to go and reread my Ethopian answer to my good Cardinal Petrus.

Meanwhile, I'm going to try to recover from the shock...



:D
 
Chapter 1st, 2nd Season
Having a party with the neighbours

Alfons decided that he, as their ancestors had attempted in their days, to conquer the Balearic Islands. And where his granfather Ramón Berenguer III had almost succeded in 1134 he would prevail. And, by the way, he would taste his muscles and he would see how his neighbours reacted. Thus, war was declared upon the Balearic Emir who, a bald bad moorish boy, did not enjoy the annoucenment, as he knew too well that when the Christians where on the way they meant bussiness.

priceck2.jpg

Lee: Has anyone seen vampires in the Balearic Islands?

priceck.jpg

Price: Dunno, but I have see no Usher House there, either.

priceck3.jpg

Cushing: I wonder what Darth Vader is going to say about all this...

Ali Ben Ghaniya, emir of the Baleric Islands and sheik of Mallorca, 37 years old at the time, prepared the best as he could for the war. Alàs, he had as many warriors at his service as hair on his head so, in short, he clerly saw that the war was going to be a brief one.

ScreenSave12-1.jpg

Thus the Christan armies departes, to punish the army of the unbelievevers when the Pope decided that he was in the mood for a Crusade. And where could it be aimed?

To Cordoba. Steiner couldn't believe his eyes. Peti either, too.

ScreenSave15.jpg

Steiner's new aid-de-camp, Shaka Pujol, the ancestor of good old oberst von Shaka, summarized Steiner's surprise in the usual way:

Dibujo.jpg

The Pope annoucement caused some kind of disorganization among the Catalan crusaders, who didn't know where to land: Mallorca or Cordoba. Of course, as all learned reader knows -Canonized, fetch an atlas for Mr. Bush Jr, please-, Cordoba is not quite well endorsed with beaches, so the Crusaders were in a bit of a mess, so, instead of landing at Mallorca, they did it in Menorca. Well, as Steiner pointed out later on, both islands had their names ended in -orca, who would notice the difference?

The Moorish population, indeed. Their pitiful armies decided to defend the island and where slaughtered while doing it. A short battle, a short siege and there we go...

ScreenSave16.jpg

On June 28th, 1187, some years in advance, Menorca was freed for the true faith. It was time to conquer the big prize: the big ensaimada of Ciutat de Mallorca. Eigh hundred Muslim warrior defended it against two thousand bloody-thirsted crusaders. As their cousins from Menorca had learnt before, they weren't to match the Christian power.

ScreenSave18.jpg

"Well, -Alfons asked himself-. Where did the love go? Erm... What was saying the Pope about a Crusade? And to where ?

Steiner, who was ready to strike, said:

-I think that the Pope wants Burgos cleansed of heretical people...

-Burgos? Are the Castillian neighbours there a pack of heretics?

-They don't know what the pà amb tomàquet (1) is. Is it enough for you, m'lord?

-My gosh... they're evil, indeed...

priceck2.jpg

Lee: This Steiner is a...

priceck.jpg

Price: ... real sob, indeed... I like his style.


(1) A delicious Catalan meal. If you don't know what it is, I'm afraid, but your soul is doomed to hell...​
 
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