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Thread: Lo Llibre dels Feyts - The Book of Deeds

  1. #221
    GunslingAAR coz1's Avatar
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    The supposed French friends stealing away vassals and a civil war? It seems the craziness in both action and storytelling continues and I have caught up once more to take it all in.
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  2. #222
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by coz1
    The supposed French friends stealing away vassals and a civil war? It seems the craziness in both action and storytelling continues and I have caught up once more to take it all in.
    Well... no one expects the Crazy Inquisition.

    No one...

    Ever...

    So, another chapter, for you all.

    Dedicated to my lady Amona and my dear Cardinal Petrus.

    PS: Before you start the new short and brief update let me tell you that it is one of the craziest things I ever wrote lately. However, it's essential for future developments.

    PS1: Now I reread this post, I'm surprised how foretelling was my first sentence of this post... Amazing.
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 27-01-2008 at 19:01.
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  3. #223
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    Chapter 19th: Rebellion in the Desert


    A mighty voice was thundering in the royal rooms that night.

    -NO NO NO AND A THOUSAND TIMES NO!

    ("Wao." -Peti thought, even if he was quite busy eating a pizza- "Good old Cardinal is as wild as the wildest fox from Oxford Univ... Oh shit, damned Blackadder..."

    -Come on, Cardinal -Steiner replied to the angered holy man-. You cannot be talking seriously!

    -Of course I am! You cannot do it, you cannot bring a lady into the royal council!

    Lady Amona, even if angered, breathed calmly, while looking for a dagger. Behind Cardinal Petrus, archbishop Canonized, wondered whether if Steiner was going nuts that night or what. On his part, the king, young Berenger, just allowed himself to fart in a quite silent way. That was for worse, as we all know. Thus, due to the royal fart, the meeting has to be postponed, as a new -and with clean air- room had to be found.


    A week later, as the new room wasn't found yet, young Berenguer decided it was time to bring a heir for the kingdom. There he was, with full hands and... well, with that, that is, awfully busy with her queen, doing that boring thing to bring heirs to the world, when Steiner had the funny idea of paying a visit to royal rooms. Thus he found the royal couple somehow naked -absolutely naked, actually- and in a quite curious situation.

    Well, once the gags and the ropes were removed, a smiling Steiner had to face a not quite happy king, while the queen, deeply offended by the coitus interruptus por culpitae Steinerarinae, took her leave from her lord.

    -Well, Steiner... What's going on? I hope that is awfully serious, or you are not going to care for your children no more.

    -I don't have any children -Steiner answered back-... well... no one I've been told lately, in fact.

    The king, in a bloody mood, began to walk towards one of the royal guards. When Steiner saw the vicious look in Berenguer's eyes when the king began to watch closely one the pykes of his royal soldiers, Steiner felt the sudden need of having an armoured underwear at once, so, he just asked for a leave and, before having it, he just postponed the issue for later on.

    After this messy situation took place, a messenger called Windows Live -one of those curious names that Britons use to have- came with information about the new nobleman in the kingdom, so Steiner had to be called. So he returned, with a big form under his pants. No one dared to ask, but all prepared for the worst.

    Then came good old Cardinal Petrus with archbishop Canonized -you know, ecclesiastical matters are quite fast, sometimes- to discuss about lady Amona.

    -No, no, no and a thousand times no!

    The king, looking bemused, couldn't avoid telling to the angered Cardinal that he had already told that line. Steiner, who was thinking the same, used the time to get out of the place, just to be sure that someone wasn't going to miss the show. On his part, the Holy Petrus wasn't in the mood for games but this time he was going to make an exception. Just the fact that the young king was the king and the big pike he was playing with stopped the Cardinal for answering in a quite not polite way. However, he remembered the Holy Scriptures ("Don't loose thy silly head, saith the Lord", 1 Corinthians 8 -King James Cameron Version-) and kept his tongue bitten.

    To make things funnier, there came Steiner together with the fair Ophelia Skorzeny in one hand and lady Amona in the other.

    -M'lord, my king, my... my purse, where the f... is my purse! Petti!!!!!

    After a light while, while some issues where solving, Steiner informed the king of the first big issue.

    -Here you have him, my king.

    -What?



    -Who.

    -Is that fellow called Who? What is that, a doctor?

    -Er... I meant it's not a what, but a who... er, just forget it... My king, could you stop playing with that pike, please?

    The king, angered, asked for a swift explanation.

    -Well, in short, here we have. Do you remember the moromaño, my king? I mean, that Jimenez who was a moor born in Zaragoza. Do you remember how we took all the propierties from his family and send them to Africa, to waste there?

    -Er... yes... I think. What do you say, my good Cardinal.

    -Er... I say that I agree with the blond girl here.

    Lady Amona, surprised by the turn of events, could say nothing but the favourite sentence of her grandmother: "Keep your mouth closed and no one could blame you for what you didn't say". Well, no one got the meaning as everybody were looking for that curious twin things that the ladies have above their belly and under their chins. Thus Steiner kept saying:

    -Well... Does everybody have the Jimenez story in their minds? Then, you can forget it as it has nothing to do here. There we have this Hungarian count, Janos of Braganza and...

    -Stop, stop, stop -Berenguer said, while raising his hands, as he was unable to see what the heck was going on-. Why on hearth do you mention the Jimenez saga if they have no relation with that Janos?

    -Just to check your memory. In short, I was wondering what is going on in the realm. A Moorish nobleman from Aragon, a Hungary duke of a Portugese fiefdom

    -It would be worse if it were a Portugeese, Kurty -Peti saith, to much displease of his lord.

    -Ok -the king said-, so, this Jeno... He's from Hungary

    -Yes, m'lord, but dunno where if he's hungry or not...

    -Next silly bad joke and gold Cardinal Petrus will have his Spanish Inquisition in motion!

    -Oh yeah! -Petrus shouted wildly.

    -Er... m'lord... this is Cataloniaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Oh damned Leonidas!!! I meant, there is not Spain, well, not yet, but some people would...


    Leonidas: Oh yeah!!!!!!!


    - Cut it short. So he's a Braganza...

    - Yes.

    - But not from Aragon...

    - No.

    - Nor From Castille...

    - Nope.

    - From Hungary...

    - Like the gulasch.

    - I see... So... why do you mention him?

    - Err... do you want the truth, my king... well... just to introduce my lady Amona in the story, actually...

    - Steiner?

    - Yes, m'lord?

    - Could you be so kind to take good old Peti in your arms?

    - Yes, I think so...

    - Then do it, please... And go with him to hell, ye fool!!!!!


    Peti, quite surprised for the idea of travelling with Kurt


    Thus, while all this was taking place, something DID happen. Yes, really, it did. To the rebell Franconia a new conspiracy had added some spicy issue to the tale. The Duke of Toledo had rebelled. The funny thing was that he had, actually, rebelled, but not his army. So the rebellion was shorter than expected, but awfully funny. On the way to Toledo, the royal army had time to punish my lord the Bishop of Albarracín for his help to the rebellion and then the the royal host gathered in front of Toledo, full of iron and fire, ready to punish the rebellious citizens... when the citizens came with the duke, all gagged and ropped, asking for forgiveness to Berenguer. Berenguer, surprised, couldn't find the word. Steiner neither, but Lady Amona, suddenly inspired by the gagged vision of the duke, made a wonderful speech that left everybody happy. Specially Steiner, who couldn't take his eyes from the lovely lady. Then more news came. While the vanguard of the army was in Toledo, the rearguard had taken Zaragoza. Thus, another rebel leader had bitten the dust...



    Then, without any kind of warning...







    -Ok... let's see... let's see to whom we give the dukedoms of Toledo and Zaragoza... Mmmh..

    - Steiner ... Stop smiling like that...

    - May I tell you my idea, my king?

    - No.

    - I know that there are some Jimenez still alive who are not gone African. Shall we give them the dukedoms?

    In that very moment, the king wondered whether Steiner was absolutely nuts.

    Next chapter would clarify those enigmas and we'll know what is Kyllie Minogue doing while all this is happening.


    TO BE CONTINUED




    -Stop, stop, stop... Hey, Mr. Narrator, you cannot do that.

    -My lord Cardinal, what do you want?

    -We cannot end like that!

    -Why not?

    -There is lady Amona issue!

    -What?

    -We cannot have a girl with us?

    -My Lord Cardinal, take example for archbishop Canonized, and take it easy.

    -I refuse! Lady Amona cannot join the royal council!

    -Why?

    -Well...

    -Yes?

    -Er...

    -I'm waiting...

    -Because... because... because...

    -Yes?

    -Because she has a pussy!

    -Really? And a wonderful one, methinks. A superb... er... what I was going to say... Yes, I see... And how do you know that she has a pussy, my lord Cardinal?

    -Er... I saw it in a book...

    -I'm not going to tell the Pope that you're reading filthy books, my nasty boy.

    -Hey! This is not what it seems!

    -Where I have heard that comment before...



    -Psst... psst...

    -Yes, my archbishop Canonized?

    -Where is the Silent Room?

    -Er... behind the corridor... why?

    -I've eaten too much... my gosh...

    A distant fart could be heard in the Silent Room, which was no longer silent...
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 27-01-2008 at 19:33.
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  4. #224
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    ROFL . There were at least four points in that last update that I just couldn't stop laughing . coitus interruptus por culpitae Steinerarinae is a great line . Being afraid of traveling with Kurt as opposed to going to Hell was genius .

    Aside from that , I DEMAND MORE LINES !!

    Well done , Kurt . An amazing update as always !
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  5. #225
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    Aside from that , I DEMAND MORE LINES !!
    I know my boy, I was thinking all the time "Canonized must tell something, Canonized must tell something". But then I looked how the update was going on and I thought "Just have him to say a word and this update will still be going on for two hundred pages more".

    Next update you will say something, trust me. And good old Judas too.

    PS: Now you have some lines... Silent rooms which are not so silent and ...
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 27-01-2008 at 19:33.
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  6. #226
    Heartbreaker canonized's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt_Steiner
    PS: Now you have some lines... Silent rooms which are not so silent and ...
    ROFL Too much Paella !! You're so mean , Kurt ! Haha
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  7. #227
    The Fuehrer of the Dance Mettermrck's Avatar
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    If it was heard in the silent room, it's no longer silent. Oh yeahhhhh!!!!

  8. #228
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    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    ROFL Too much Paella !! You're so mean , Kurt ! Haha
    Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... just... poetic...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mettermrck
    If it was heard in the silent room, it's no longer silent. Oh yeahhhhh!!!!
    No, not at all. It needs now the Cleaning Brigade, so... any volunteer?
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  9. #229
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    coitus interruptus por culpitae Steinerarinae - What a line ROFL

    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt_Steiner
    No, not at all. It needs now the Cleaning Brigade, so... any volunteer?
    *Raises hand*
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  10. #230
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mettermrck
    If it was heard in the silent room, it's no longer silent. Oh yeahhhhh!!!!
    Perhaps it's silent ... but deadly !
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  11. #231
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    Not only did you ruin the Silent Room gimmick, it smells now too...
    "May the Earth tremble with Beer... euh, Fear"

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  12. #232
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by English Patriot
    coitus interruptus por culpitae Steinerarinae - What a line ROFL
    My poetic soul...

    Quote Originally Posted by English Patriot
    *Raises hand*
    Ok, hold your breath before yo go in... Ready?

    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    Perhaps it's silent ... but deadly !
    Ye should know..

    Quote Originally Posted by Murmurandus
    Not only did you ruin the Silent Room gimmick, it smells now too...
    Actually, it was Canonized and his hurried need, not me, but, ok, I'm somehow guilty for it, I was busy looking somewhere...
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  13. #233
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    Hilarious last line, regardless of who was breaking the silence. Now, what of Judas?
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  14. #234
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    Price: Hi, our dear brethern in terror...
    Lee: We are the new guest stars...
    Cushing: If you were used to read unexpected and crazy things...
    The fourth man whose name I forgot: Ñgeeeeeeee...
    Price: Now... it is going to be...
    Lee: ...absolutely...
    Cushing: ...worsssssssssssssssse...

    ¡WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!





    Price: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
    Over many a quaint and curious volume of canonized lore,
    While I nodded, nearly farting, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
    `'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
    Only this, and nothing more.'


    Female voice: Hi...



    Price: Who art thee?
    She: I'm the Raven.
    Price: Really?
    She/The Raven: Yes, the Raven of the XXIth century.
    Price: My gosh...


    Peti's thoughts: Oh God... Kurty is absolutely going nuts...
    Price: Steiner is always like that?
    Peti: No... sometimes is even worse...

    In the far distance, a horse can be hear... Judas Macabbeus, alerted by some loyal friends that Steiner's insanity is out of hand, comes to the rescue...

    However... who's gonna rescue him if Steiner is really insane???

    ¡WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


    Stay tunned...

    @coz1: Judas is comming to the rescue... dunno if his horse agrees...
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 01-02-2008 at 01:30.
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
    Palo Dixit: posible Anticristo, vacalentacialanonanista, Culé y Salido que provoca manifas por donde pasa.
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  15. #235
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    ROFL canonized lore . I would pay good money to have Price read things like that ROFL well done !
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  16. #236
    The Fuehrer of the Dance Mettermrck's Avatar
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    Isn't that Grand Moff Tarkin in that picture of four? Indeed an architect of terror, puts Vincent Price to shame.

  17. #237

    The Four

    The Four actors are (clockwise from the top left):
    Christopher Lee, Vincent Price, Peter Cushing, and John Carradine. All past masters of scaring people to death but none of them a match for ...

    HER!

  18. #238
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Quote Originally Posted by canonized
    ROFL canonized lore . I would pay good money to have Price read things like that ROFL well done !


    Just imagine if Mr. Price was still alive... The Raven still flying... priceless (no pun intended)...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mettermrck
    Isn't that Grand Moff Tarkin in that picture of four? Indeed an architect of terror, puts Vincent Price to shame.
    In my humble opinion, Price and Cushing are two different kinds of terror. Let me put it, even if I'm not an expert on this and even if I go out of topic, but both Price and Cushing deserve the little effort.

    For some people, Cushing is a bigger myth than Price. For me, it is not possible to compare them, as they are two different styles, two ways of performing. I must confess that I love Price more than I love Cushing. Having said that, let's go to the main point. It's not a question of being better actorn than no one. They both were wonderful players. The difference comes, in my opinion, in their perfomances. Peter Cushing is more "physical" actor. Vincent Price, on his part, makes a wide use of the powerful voice and his presence, which commands respect -I'm not saying that Cushing doesn't command respect, but, to me, his presence isn't as imposing as Price's, excuse me the heressy, Metternick and all fans ouf Cushing-. Here, again, lays the differente Cushing-Price. Cushing is and endless show of physical excess, of movement, of elasticity, a show of human anxiety, of humanity, in short. Price, on the other hand, it's the exact opposite. Price's attitude was almost hieratic, always severe. Cushing is more, excuse me the words, "an action heroe" while Price,from my point of view, is more related to the "intelectual terror". Perhaps for this reason Cushing is choosen as the best, as we prefer what may be real, the terror which may live in the next door to us.

    However, this very reason is what makes Price the best for me. Price embodies what it is intimate, close, personal in terror. He's the terror which rises form the brain, from theory. Cushing embodies the terror which appears from the muscle, the flesh and the reality.

    I will never forget Price's educated accent, his eyes and his smile which betrayed the horror behind the mask of his face. And I won't ever forget Cushing.

    Or Lee, so here they are...

    Amazing, I've taken my own AAR out of topic So, let's return...

    I don't think I'm going to be able to live up to Price or Cushing fame in this AAR, but I'll try. In the end, if I fail or win, you'll tell me, my readers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sled Dog
    The Four actors are (clockwise from the top left):
    Christopher Lee, Vincent Price, Peter Cushing, and John Carradine. All past masters of scaring people to death but none of them a match for ...

    HER!
    The magnificent John Carradine!!! I'm going to commit seppuku for this shameful mistake of mine.

    And she, of course, would prove her worth in future times...
    Last edited by Kurt_Steiner; 01-02-2008 at 18:48.
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
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  19. #239
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    I dare say you might scare the horror masters faster than they can scare your readers, Kurt. Downright frightening.
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  20. #240
    Pantomacatalasecesionanis ta

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    Dear brethren (and sister) in Paradox,

    The save of my game... well... the save has gone to the heavens of the saved games, to the unknown place where those who go never return to explain us about it, to that uncanny place when untold things happen.

    In short, my saved games is kapput.

    However, does this mean that this AAR is over?

    ¡NO!

    Nuts!


    Some other writAAR would have went mad and would have started to cry, to shout, to sob and to call his mum and his teddy bear. Well, once I stopped sobbing (snif, snif), I took a decision.

    Now that I've founded mrs Price and all the lads... am I going to abandon this AAR?

    Now that the fair Amona and the not so fair but cute farting Canonized have joined our crazy ranks... am I going to say bye bye?

    And most specially... am I going to stop punishig good old Judas and good old Cardinal Petrus?

    So, Vincent Price has had a glorious idea.

    Who? Me?

    Indeed, you, but it's so good that you don't remember it.

    As you might know, this AAR started as an alternative alternant of my main Spanish AAR. Well, unexpected situation require unexpected solutions. As I was playing towards the end of the 12th century, I'm going to start a new game: the Third Crusade Scenario. Thus, we'll meet again in 1187.

    Why 1187? Quite easy, my brethern and sisteress. Because I'll have another chance to conquer and opress the rest of the inhabitants of the Spanish Peninsula -those marvellous Castilian, Leonese, Navarrese and Portugese folks!!!!-.

    Well, as Vicent told in the previous last post...

    ¡WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


    Did I tell I was mad, didn't I? Right, just in case.

    See you soon... (keep fingers crossed to avoid more suicide saves, please)
    "Pequeño Padawan Kurtizacoal, por qué me has salido tan cabrón?" - me dijo mi Maestro.
    Palo Dixit: posible Anticristo, vacalentacialanonanista, Culé y Salido que provoca manifas por donde pasa.
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