Chapter 18th: Who said surprise?
Well. The idea was to conquers Flanders. All the issue began some day that folskinger called Ned came to Barcelona to sing the praise of a beautiful Flemish damosel called Kylie Minogue, who had a kangaroo -that is, a big rat, as all the Flemish well-learned people know- as her pet (1). But the old king had died -what a moment to do so... and young Berenguer, the new king, wasn't in the mood.
Neither was the nobility.
Neither was Steiner.
The same goes on about Peti, who was busy looking for a bok tittled "How too cook a good pizza with a kangaroo".
Shits happen, as we all know. The beginning of this kingdom wasn't an exception. God old Kurt was asking about the state of his sin collection with the Royal Chancellor for Souls, Sins and Songs, the canonic Ized, Canonized for his most intimate friends, when bad news came to spoil the day.
-My Lord Steiner!!!! There is a rebellion!!!!
Steiner wasn't surprised, but Canonized was, as he expected a kind of Spanish Inquisition. However, what took place wasn't a Spanish Inquisition, but a civil war.
The first to call for rebellion was the earl of Senussi, of the good old and almost extinct Ximenes line. Thus started to civil war of 1173. For the earl the was ended too early. And in a too bloddy way, as he found his head in the end of a pike, but you know, Steiner isn't know for the tender side of his behaviour, blessed be his dark heart.
Hardly had the head lost everything for his neck upwards, the usual rebellions started. The duke of Toledo join the party in March, 1173, followed by the dukes of Saragossa and Fraconia ("Damned Franco", Steiner whispered, in a bad mood. "You can't rely on those petty galician generals". Nobody understood the reference, which make Steiner feel more bloody humoured. Well, Peti did understand him, but no one asked him...). Thus Steiner called for the royal host and made a free demostration on Germany about which was the difference between peace, war and total war.
The Flemish Minogue, by the way, was on his "On a Bleak Night like this", when she arrived to Nurnberg the night when the loyal army sacked the city on his path to Franconia. Poor Mrs Minogue found herself locked in the very tent of our good old Steiner. There are no written records of what happened then, but it is said that the kangaroo and Peti didn't end in friendly terms.
On March 11, the very next day of the mentioned night, Dietrich, former duke of Franconia, surrendered, once his army was annhilated until the last man by a sanginious loyal army. So, Dietrich saw of hiw titles of duke of Franconia and earl of Leinsengein went to Dietmar von Esselberg and Rudolf von Daun by the will of the young catalan king. Once the head of Dietrich ended in another pike, it could be hear the following dialogue.
-I may be young, but I have a big pair of ...-the young king said.
-Of pikes, my fair king? -the loyal Steiner asked.
-Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr -so endeth Peti the conversation.
In late march, Joan, earl of Hebrón, rebelled, just to be defeated, annhilitated, that is, the usual treatment, at the hands of Baró de Barcelona, duke of Palestine and loyal paladin of the king in the Holy Land. Meanwhile, there wre no news about Mrs Minogue and, during those days, it was hard to see Stenier. My Lord Canonized was quite scandalized by the rumours that suggested some kind of sinful carnal activity of our good loyal advicer and the owner of the kangarro, but, as nothing could be proved, Canonized used a wise method: to call his spiritual adviser, the Panzerkardinal De Witt.
However, while Albarracin was cleaned of rebels, the Panzerkardinal De Witt and his loyal servant, Cardinal Olaus Petrus, couldn't help his perplex friend, as he was busy to solve a strange situation in Palestine. Eudes Murat, for marriage and luck, became king of Jerusalem. His first actions was to recognize Baró, duque of Palestine, as his overlord (2). Alàs, Baró didn't last very much on the flesh side of the world, and died. Thus his son Pere decided it was time to solve the problem of having a king as his vassal, and, knowing that Edues was awfully sad for the death of his lord, and being Pere a blessed soul full of humanism, the new duke of Palestine helped his vassal, the king of Jerusalem, to join his dead father, to alleviate him of the suffering of such an unexpected depart.
Had Pere knew that the crown of Jerusalem wouldn't end on his head, but on the one of the young king Berenguer, perhaps wouldn't have been so quick to act...
Old habits die hard, it is said... (3)
Meanwhile, an odd kangaroo was saw jumping with a knife tied to his tail.
-Pssst... Judas....
-Tell me, cardinal...
-I've a cunning idea to get rid of Steiner.
-As cunning as the last one?
-Even better.
-Should I begin to run now?
(1) After this comment, my head may fall, but there we go. I tend to joke about ANYTHING, so, my dear, brief and lovely Kylie couldn't be an exception. May the Lord forgiveth me and send me my dear Kylie to pay me a visit, as I'll be quite pleasured to ask for her gracious forgiveness, on hands and knees, if needed. Having said that, said remains.
PS: Why the heck is Kylie Flemish? Because Australia hadn't been discovered yet, ye fool!!!!
(2) Ok, any ideas? A king becoming vassal of a duke? A king becoming vassal a tall? What the heck is going on here? Should I blame my Flemish lady? Or her kangaroo, perhaps?
(3) Now you tell me. If my dear Berenguer started the game as the king of Jerusalem, as the capture shows, what happened to have two kings of Jerusalem at the same time? Something smells rotten in Palestine, trust me.