Chapter 15th: The Catalan Crusaders
Leonidas: Catalan crusaders? Not Spartan Crusaders? Boooo...
If it is too hot -the weather- Steiner is unable to think properly...
[
And if it is not too hot, too, Steiner has always problems to think. Peti Niebla dixit.]
...er... as I was saying... writting... well, you know what I mean. Well, if it's too hot, Steiner has problems to think, so he's too busy sweating, swearing and making love... er... well... again... In short, it's too hot, so he's too busy and that makes him quite angry. Thus, the dark side of Steiner -"el cabronismo Steinerniano", as it was called in those times- takes the control of our anti-heroe, as King Jaume and his half of his entourage learnt those days. It is unknow if what happened was Steiner's way to relax or his dark soul allowing himself a bit of fun, but, the fact is that half of Jaume's entourage had a chance to learn to fly. Basically, it worked that way: Steiner saw a nobleman -well, or someone (a male someone, he wasn't so crazy yet) who had the habit to stand upright on two legs-. Then, he looked for a window and, once the window was found, the male someone felt a kick in his lower rear part and, by some unknown reason, that male someone found himself flying across the window down to the ground, which, for a regretable mistake, was quite far away from the window. The abrupt end of the voyage, of course, tend to end in a fatal way for the male someone, but, for Steiner, it meant some seconds of peace.
Awfully worried by this, Jaume, who didn't want to learn to fly, commanded that some ice was brought to Steiner, in order to try to refresh his loyal but a bit vicious -in the Spanish and the British meaning of the word
- and humble adviser. Calmed, Steiner said:
-Next time you have the brilliant idea of sending me to take care of the Crusade in Middle East, please, send me in winter and at night. We've conquered As Zarqa in December 1163 and Al Habbaniyah in February 1164.
-...By the way, your loyal Perpinyà de Barcelona, duke of Palestine, is now now duke of duque de Ascalon and Damascus since January 1164, and your charming wife, Haduwyn, is now the countess of Mzab and Beni Yainn.
- Al Habbaniyah... that place is not quite a bit far away from Medina? -Jaume asked, a bit surprised by the turn of the events.
- It's on the way - Steiner replied.
Gorgo: To Picadilly?
Steiner: Gosh... Are you not too dressed, your...
Gorgo: Shut up.
A bass voice rumbles.
Steiner: I ... am ... Steiner
'I am Steiner... I am Steiner! I am Steiner? Steiner am I. Am I Steiner?
The name's Steiner. Kurt Steiner
'Hey, I'm Steiner.
'Me ... Steiner. You ... liquid...
They call me Kurt Steiner, universal troublemaker: I have the power to get into the hottest clubs, the hottest dressing rooms, and the hottest chicks. I admit it all sounds pretty nifty in theory. Why am I here? Why do I want the whole of the world to.... well, you know what...'
He read the line as Stanley Kowalski, as Don Corleone, as Charlie Chan, as Jerry Lewis, as Laurence Olivier, as Pierce Brosnan, as Andrew Dice Clay.
Thus the future kingdom of Jerusalem grows bigger -it's Steiner wish that this kingdom will cover from the Sinai to Bagdad and from Media to the Caucasus.. he knows, it's a too humble proyect, but, "you know, someone has to do it, men", he says-. In this process a little dusty corner called Ar'Ar -perhaps it's the place where Jar'Jar Binks came to the world- is conquered by the Catalan armies.
And, finally, the first big battle- The sheik of Medina send his army to stop the Catalanoaragonese Crusaders from going to Arabia. The Crusaders, who weren't on the mood because of the dust and the heat they had to stand during his silly trip through the desert, gathered to face the battle. They were sure that it was going to be an easy battle, as the little bunch of Muslim warriors they had faced till that moment weren't very much of a trouble.
But...
Judas finds himself hanging upside down into the great hall of the castle, Suddenly, he finds himself sprawiling on the straw-covered flagstones, emaciated and wild-eyed, close to madness. He cannot stop farting. Steiner doesn't mind. Peti is worse than that.
Steiner sits on a throne which stretches wooden wings out behind him. Murmurandus worships at his feet, tongue applied to black leather boots of Steiner's girls -they are there by hundreds, by the way. Cardinal Petrus, a blissful smile on his face and scabs on his neck, stands to one side, with Steiner's vampire lusty brides. The good Cardinal has his body covered by pages from Horatio's works, but he looks... good? Horatio doesn't complain, at least. Nor the brides...
Steiner: I bid you welcome. Come safely, go freely and leave some of the happiness and money you bring.
Judas looks up.
Judas: You ... were a Prince.
Steiner: I am a Prince still. Of Darkness.
The brides titter and clap. A look from their Master silences them.
Steiner: Judas, what do you think we are doing here, at the edge of Christendom? What dark mirror is held up to our unreflecting faces?
By the throne is an occasional table piled high with books: Dei gesta per Francos by Guibert of Nogent, Historia rerum in partibus transmarinis gestarum by William of Tyre, Policraticus by John of Salisbury, The Mabinogion, Perceval, le Conte du Graal by Chrétien de Troyes, Oscar Wilde's Salomé.
Steiner picks up the volume by Wilde. His voice rumbles:
-This shouldn't be here...
The Catalan Crusaders were confident till they saw that the Medina armies have called his friends from Mosul. The sons of the grat Medina... what a stroke of bad luck... Thus, the Catalan commander, Jordi de la Bastida, had an idea: he put the Aragonese infantry in the center, with the Castillian heavy cavalry on the sides and, in the rear, the Catalan, Leonese and Navarrese knights, with some infantry, ready to play a dirty trick to the enemy.
Oddily enough, the Muslim army went on headway, straight to the point, breaking the enemy lines and advancing mercelessly... till they found surrounded by all sides by the enemy and with the Catalan knights shouting
"Chaaaaaaaaaaaarge!!!!!"
like madmen. The end is fast, swift and bloody. The carnage spreads and the Muslim armies, decimated, flee from the field.
It's more or less, a victory.
Then, everything happens too fast for the human eye.
10th August. After a brief battle and a long and bloody persecution, Al Jawf is conquered. No one stands on the way of the Crusaders, who takes, two days later, Medina. Thus, next stop, la Mecca, con muy malas pulgas.
Another army from Medina tries to stop them. To call "battle" to this pitiful and bloddy failure would be too much
The rest of the campaign is a hot dream. Or a nightmare, depending on the side who looks at it. On January 9th, 1165, the Hijaz is conquered, after the usual massacre, er... battle. Incredible enough, the Muslim armies manage to put a last stand till they are finally destroyed on January 21. The future Kingdom of Jerusalem looks promising.
Jaume: I can be bald, but I'm a king.
Steiner: A bald King.
Jaume: You bast...
Non nobis, Domine, non nobis, sed Nomini Tua da gloriam!
Leonidas: Oh yeah!!!!!!!
Steiner: I knew you'll like it...
Leonidas: But... Ok, some massive killings. Ok... But, while I was travelling to that place, I haven't found a single narrow place worth of being filled with 300 brave Spartan soldiers. How can you massacrate your enemy without a narrow pass?
Steiner: Not again, please...
Well... it was time to return to Europe... Or not...