Chapter 19th: Rebellion in the Desert
A mighty voice was thundering in the royal rooms that night.
-NO NO NO AND A THOUSAND TIMES NO!
("Wao." -Peti thought, even if he was quite busy eating a pizza- "Good old Cardinal is as wild as the wildest fox from Oxford Univ... Oh shit, damned Blackadder..."
-Come on, Cardinal -Steiner replied to the angered holy man-. You cannot be talking seriously!
-Of course I am! You cannot do it, you cannot bring a lady into the royal council!
Lady Amona, even if angered, breathed calmly, while looking for a dagger. Behind Cardinal Petrus, archbishop Canonized, wondered whether if Steiner was going nuts that night or what. On his part, the king, young Berenger, just allowed himself to fart in a quite silent way. That was for worse, as we all know. Thus, due to the royal fart, the meeting has to be postponed, as a new -and with clean air- room had to be found.
A week later, as the new room wasn't found yet, young Berenguer decided it was time to bring a heir for the kingdom. There he was, with full hands and... well, with that, that is, awfully busy with her queen, doing that boring thing to bring heirs to the world, when Steiner had the funny idea of paying a visit to royal rooms. Thus he found the royal couple somehow naked -absolutely naked, actually- and in a quite curious situation.
Well, once the gags and the ropes were removed, a smiling Steiner had to face a not quite happy king, while the queen, deeply offended by the
coitus interruptus por culpitae Steinerarinae, took her leave from her lord.
-Well, Steiner... What's going on? I hope that is awfully serious, or you are not going to care for your children no more.
-I don't have any children -Steiner answered back-... well... no one I've been told lately, in fact.
The king, in a bloody mood, began to walk towards one of the royal guards. When Steiner saw the vicious look in Berenguer's eyes when the king began to watch closely one the pykes of his royal soldiers, Steiner felt the sudden need of having an armoured underwear at once, so, he just asked for a leave and, before having it, he just postponed the issue for later on.
After this messy situation took place, a messenger called Windows Live -one of those curious names that Britons use to have- came with information about the new nobleman in the kingdom, so Steiner had to be called. So he returned, with a big form under his pants. No one dared to ask, but all prepared for the worst.
Then came good old Cardinal Petrus with archbishop Canonized -you know, ecclesiastical matters are quite fast, sometimes- to discuss about lady Amona.
-No, no, no and a thousand times no!
The king, looking bemused, couldn't avoid telling to the angered Cardinal that he had already told that line. Steiner, who was thinking the same, used the time to get out of the place, just to be sure that someone wasn't going to miss the show. On his part, the Holy Petrus wasn't in the mood for games but this time he was going to make an exception. Just the fact that the young king was the king and the big pike he was playing with stopped the Cardinal for answering in a quite not polite way. However, he remembered the Holy Scriptures ("Don't loose thy silly head, saith the Lord", 1 Corinthians 8 -King James Cameron Version-) and kept his tongue bitten.
To make things funnier, there came Steiner together with the fair Ophelia Skorzeny in one hand and lady Amona in the other.
-M'lord, my king, my... my purse, where the f... is my purse! Petti!!!!!
After a light while, while some issues where solving, Steiner informed the king of the first big issue.
-Here you have him, my king.
-What?
-Who.
-Is that fellow called Who? What is that, a doctor?
-Er... I meant it's not a what, but a who... er, just forget it... My king, could you stop playing with that pike, please?
The king, angered, asked for a swift explanation.
-Well, in short, here we have. Do you remember the moromaño, my king? I mean, that Jimenez who was a moor born in Zaragoza. Do you remember how we took all the propierties from his family and send them to Africa, to waste there?
-Er... yes... I think. What do you say, my good Cardinal.
-Er... I say that I agree with the blond girl here.
Lady Amona, surprised by the turn of events, could say nothing but the favourite sentence of her grandmother: "Keep your mouth closed and no one could blame you for what you didn't say". Well, no one got the meaning as everybody were looking for that curious twin things that the ladies have above their belly and under their chins. Thus Steiner kept saying:
-Well... Does everybody have the Jimenez story in their minds? Then, you can forget it as it has nothing to do here. There we have this Hungarian count, Janos of Braganza and...
-Stop, stop, stop -Berenguer said, while raising his hands, as he was unable to see what the heck was going on-. Why on hearth do you mention the Jimenez saga if they have no relation with that Janos?
-Just to check your memory. In short, I was wondering what is going on in the realm. A Moorish nobleman from Aragon, a Hungary duke of a Portugese fiefdom
-It would be worse if it were a Portugeese, Kurty -Peti saith, to much displease of his lord.
-Ok -the king said-, so, this Jeno... He's from Hungary
-Yes, m'lord, but dunno where if he's hungry or not...
-Next silly bad joke and gold Cardinal Petrus will have his Spanish Inquisition in motion!
-Oh yeah! -Petrus shouted wildly.
-Er... m'lord... this is Cataloniaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Oh damned Leonidas!!! I meant, there is not Spain, well, not yet, but some people would...
Leonidas: Oh yeah!!!!!!!
- Cut it short. So he's a Braganza...
- Yes.
- But not from Aragon...
- No.
- Nor From Castille...
- Nope.
- From Hungary...
- Like the gulasch.
- I see... So... why do you mention him?
- Err... do you want the truth, my king... well... just to introduce my lady Amona in the story, actually...
- Steiner?
- Yes, m'lord?
- Could you be so kind to take good old Peti in your arms?
- Yes, I think so...
- Then do it, please... And go with him to hell, ye fool!!!!!
Peti, quite surprised for the idea of travelling with Kurt
Thus, while all this was taking place, something DID happen. Yes, really, it did. To the rebell Franconia a new conspiracy had added some spicy issue to the tale. The Duke of Toledo had rebelled. The funny thing was that he had, actually, rebelled, but not his army. So the rebellion was shorter than expected, but awfully funny. On the way to Toledo, the royal army had time to punish my lord the Bishop of Albarracín for his help to the rebellion and then the the royal host gathered in front of Toledo, full of iron and fire, ready to punish the rebellious citizens... when the citizens came with the duke, all gagged and ropped, asking for forgiveness to Berenguer. Berenguer, surprised, couldn't find the word. Steiner neither, but Lady Amona, suddenly inspired by the gagged vision of the duke, made a wonderful speech that left everybody happy. Specially Steiner, who couldn't take his eyes from the lovely lady. Then more news came. While the vanguard of the army was in Toledo, the rearguard had taken Zaragoza. Thus, another rebel leader had bitten the dust...
Then, without any kind of warning...
-Ok... let's see... let's see to whom we give the dukedoms of Toledo and Zaragoza... Mmmh..
- Steiner ... Stop smiling like that...
- May I tell you my idea, my king?
- No.
- I know that there are some Jimenez still alive who are not gone African. Shall we give them the dukedoms?
In that very moment, the king wondered whether Steiner was absolutely nuts.
Next chapter would clarify those enigmas and we'll know what is Kyllie Minogue doing while all this is happening.
TO BE CONTINUED
-Stop, stop, stop... Hey, Mr. Narrator, you cannot do that.
-My lord Cardinal, what do you want?
-We cannot end like that!
-Why not?
-There is lady Amona issue!
-What?
-We cannot have a girl with us?
-My Lord Cardinal, take example for archbishop Canonized, and take it easy.
-I refuse! Lady Amona cannot join the royal council!
-Why?
-Well...
-Yes?
-Er...
-I'm waiting...
-Because... because... because...
-Yes?
-Because she has a pussy!
-Really? And a wonderful one, methinks. A superb... er... what I was going to say... Yes, I see... And how do you know that she has a pussy, my lord Cardinal?
-Er... I saw it in a book...
-I'm not going to tell the Pope that you're reading filthy books, my nasty boy.
-Hey! This is not what it seems!
-Where I have heard that comment before...
-Psst... psst...
-Yes, my archbishop Canonized?
-Where is the Silent Room?
-Er... behind the corridor... why?
-I've eaten too much... my gosh...
A distant fart could be heard in the Silent Room, which was no longer silent...