The Timurid Scientists AAR

Installment the Seventh

The Timurid Scientists: The Gathering and the Masterplan

A momentous day at last. From near and far the scientists have arrived in Delhi to participate in the gathering, the time when a single word in the right ear can change the fortunes of the unfortunate or destroy the reputations of the proud. It is the time to appropriate ones fair share of the research grants, to wine and to dine, to bedazzle and to be bedazzled, to ride hobby horses and present pet theories, and, of course, to decide upon the course of the empire. Presiding is, of course, Chief Scientist:

"...Welcome to the gathering, my fellow scientists. I am proud to preside over such a bothering of boffins, a gaggle of gadflys, a school of scholars. Before we begin our deliberations, let me present Second Scientist's abject apologies for not participating. Apparently the multiple lacerations, amputations, and first degree burns he suffered at the hands of unknown bandits in Afghanistan recently prevents him from attending. I hear that he still screams out at night at the thought of the monstrous torture and the indignities forced upon him. How I wish he had stayed at the front as I urged him to, but no, he was so dedicated that nothing would stop him, despite my urgent warnings to stay clear of Afghanistan. Let us all pray for Second Scientist and let this be a warning, that we would do well to heed the advice of our elders!"

10 seconds later. "...And everybody has read the last ALU report, I trust."

ALU report 1701

Society:
Values computed on a scale of 0-10
Balance of Power: Aristocratic (10)
Centralization: Decentralized (0)
Wierdness Factor: Narrowminded (0)
Trading: Merchantilism (5)
Offensive: Shocking (10)
Balance of forces: Land (10)
Quality of troops: Pretty high (8)
Freedom of peasants: Wot do you mean by freedom? (10)

Stability: Very stable (+3)
Stability Cost: 2027/point

Provinces:
Provinces: 280
Core Provinces: Northern India (15 provinces) and Samarkand
Capital: Delhi
Colonies: 12
Trading posts: 12

State Cultures: Afghan, Hindi, Mongol
Province Cultures: Afghan, Arabic, Armenian, Baluchi, Bengali, Burmanese, Cantonese, Dravidian, Ethiopian, Georgian, Greek, Gujarati, Han, Indonesian, Japanese, Javan, Khmer, Kurdish, Laotian, Malay, Manchu, Marathi, Mongol, Nubian, Persian, Sikh, Swahili, Thai, Tibetan, Turkish, Uzbekh, Vietnamese

State Religion: Sunni
Province Religions:
Comprehensible religions
Shia: 7
Orthodox: 15

Incomprehensible religions
Buddhist: 3
Konfucian: 27
Hindu: 1

Economy:
Centres of trade (total value, sorted by):
- 1198, Delhi
- 997, Malacca
- 587, Guangzhou
- 527, Isfahan,
- 449, Zanzibar
- 399, Shanghai
- 353, Kansai
- 327, Samarkand
- 186, Mascate
- 186, Alexandria
- 22, Kanto

Annual income: 17,000 of which 1,733 cencus
Monthly income: 1267
Monthly expenses: 146
Stability raising time: 2 months.
Inflation: 0%

Military:
Army (condensed): 1,053,000 men
Manpower: 72,000 fresh bodies/year
Support: 390,000
Losses to date:
-infantry: 4,076,000
-cavalry: 4,990,000

Army listing:
- Central Asia: 20,000
- Central Europe: 53,000
- China: 138,000
- East Africa: 95,000
- Eastern Europe: 83,000
- India: 67,000
- Indochina: 63,000
- Indonesia: 160,000
- Japan: 106,000
- Middle East: 52,000
- North Africa: 61,000
- Siberia: 107,000
- Southern Europe: 3,000


Navy (condensed): 105 warships
Losses to date:
-warships: 128
-transports: 39

Imperial Shipyards:
- Kutch
- Smyrna

Navy listing, warships:
- Bali 12
- Hanoi 23
- Smyrna 32 + 26 under construction
- Zanzibar 12


Technology:
Land: 26
Naval: 18
Trade: 7
Infrastructure: 8


Relations:
Rep: We are hated throughout the entire world
Friends: Algiers, Mali
Enemies:
- Everybody else. Those vicious brutes truly hate us .




"...I have, for the initial discussions, targeted Europe as the theatre of operations, and had the ALU compose a world map excluding the New World."

Mughal World Map 1701



"Any inital suggestions, gentlemen?"

"I say we drop this Europe idea and invade the mighty Aztec empire in the New World!", went Fourth Scientist.

"Let us focus on internal development, prosperity, and lamplighting", went the Bursar.

"Focus all our resources on the arms race. I have plans for an armed combat balloon capable of carrying a company on my desk right now. Given sufficient funds, this will be a winner!", went Third Scientist.

"Continue colonising Siberia, the home of the brave and the cold!", went some nameless joker.

"I say we set about liberating the serfs! Let all the conquered nations go wither they wilst! Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your lives! Down with the greedy bourgeoisie and the insidious intellectual elite as well. Why are you all looking at me that way. No, no, no. Please don't do it, Chief Scientist. I'll behave. Pleeassseee..... ARRRGHGHHH!", went Sixteenth Scientist.

And "AAARGGGHHHH" he continued to go, all the way down the chute. His screams were terminated abruptly as he slammed into the snake pit, but those are the breaks.

"..Ridiculous suggestions will not be tolerated, gentlemen. Please focus on the matter on hand, keeping in mind that the rest of the world is full of warmongers!", retorted Chief Scientist.

"We are filthy rich. Can't we buy the agressors' nations, and let them fight each other in competitions instead?", went Eigth Scientist.

"ARRGHHH", went the bursar, doing a credible Sixteenth Scientist imitation, without the chute or the snakes.

"Let us invade and take over the rest of the world, it isn't all that difficult! We do it all the time in Mughal Universalis!", went one of the jeune ecole, but since he didn't even have a number, he was universally ignored.

And so on and so forth. Finally Chief Scientist had to lay down the law.

"...Very interesting indeed, very interesting. But there is something you ought to know. I have had the ALU polling the possible futures, and a couple of things have come up. Now, remember that these are not clear indications, of what will happen, but rather, what will likely happen. And the results are pretty fragmentory, but, I believe, conclusive.", said the Chief Scientist, purposefully neglecting any reference to the attack of the killer tomatoes he had picked up. No reason to rock the camel, as the saying went.

ALU threat report
Three major threats to the Mughal Empire have been identified:

Threat the first:
1. Sometime in future will likely exist Gauss Rifles. Capable of hitting and targetting enemies at many kilometres distance our armies will be defenseless against them.
2. Gauss, Carl Friedrich, will likely be born 1777 in Brunswick, a German city. Given human childhood behaviour, it is unlikely he will invent the Gauss Rifle before maturity, and it takes a few years to get new weapons into mass production. Nevertheless, the first Gauss Rifle equipped armies could be seen as early as 1800-1805. A passing reference to studies in Göttingen 1795-1798 has been located.
3. Suggest occupation of Brunswick and Göttingen earliest possible, and, at latest, 1777, to see to either the non-development of this new weapon, or the development for Mughal use.

Threat the second:
1. Sometime in future will likely exist Aircraft Carrier. Capable of sinking warships at distances outside normal gun ranges, these will change the rules of naval warfare. Postulated: aircraft are upgraded balloons.
2. France and England will likely use these. No likely development date has been recovered, so it could be anytime.
3. Suggest conquest of France and England earliest possible. Occupation of all ports in France and England a secondary solution.

Threat the third:
1. Sometime in future will likely exist Cola or Kola, which will be drinkable. This product will likely have a radical effect on trade and infrastructure.
2. ALU has located province of Kola in North-Western Russia. It seems likely that the product is named for the region, like wine is.
3. Suggest occupation of Kola earliest possible. Necessity of complete Russian occupation forseen.


"...What the ALU is basically saying is, that unless we get cracking militarily, we might end up in a situation within the near future, where our enemies will have a crushing superiority in military and naval equipment, and also in economy. I hardly need to tell you what that will do the size of the research grants, do I? The future-polling also had the beneficient side-effect of turning up some interesting snippets of yet-to-be-written advice.


- Suggest introducing homogenenaity to all adjoining land masses, earliest possible, reserving overseas operations until transport can be conducted with impunity.

- Due to trend towards maximum religious entropy, suggest counteracting by ensuring provincial religious tastes are converted to most closely resemble state practices.

- Sod the prol's

- Artistically, attempt brash new painting whereby all of Europe, Asia, Asia Minor, etc are a single, startling shade of purple.

- Kola? Never mind how you got it; surely the current 10% loss of income due to noncontiguity makes conquering the rest of Russia the only rational course.

- New World involvement a tedious distraction.

- France is just begging to be slapped around.

- Give the poor locals a chance

- Counter Russian Strength by limiting its growth.


Please note, that according to one snippet, it seems we will, in one future, manage to conquer Kola, which I see as a very positive sign. Anyhow, based on the available knowledge, I suggest the only rational course is as follows:

1) Conquer all of Europe at the earliest possible time while retaining internal stability.
2) Strike hard through Europe for Germany. Göttingen and Brunswick must be occupied by 1777. A weaker navy we can survive for a time, but a completely inferior army, we can not!
3) Expand in Africa to secure the Southern Flank.
4) Ignore the New World, except as needed to facilitate steps 1-3.
5) Continue Siberian colonization, to increase available Mongol manpower.

To secure these strategic objectives, we must start by striking Russia, the Ottoman Empire, and the remnants of the Mamelukes, followed by the invasion of Poland and Austria. Venice also retains substantial holdings and a fleet, and should be suppressed. The raising of a mighty Mediterranean navy and a sizable increase in our European Army strength is also a necessity, given the power of the, admittedly divided, European nations. We may also have to lower the army quality to secure the needed amount of bodies achieving these objectives is going to take."

ALU report on the European and African Nations (colonial possessions excluded)

Algiers (9) Tech: 14/9 Att. Medium, poor, backwards
Austria (12) Tech: 26/12 Att. Rich, strong, well fortified, good leaders
Auvergne (5) Tech: 26/5 Att. Small
Bavaria (2) Tech: 28/12 Att. Weak
Bohemia (7) Tech: 27/15 Att. Medium
Brandenburg (4) Tech: 27/16 Att. Small
Crimea (3) Tech: 14/9 Att. Weak
Denmark (2) Tech: 28/22 Att. Small
Eire (5) Tech: 25/18 Att. Small, pooor
England (4) Tech: 25/19 Att. Weak
Flanders (3) Tech: 30/22 Att. Small but rich and advanced, Centre of Trade
French Catholics (2) Tech: 27/21 Att. Weak
France (37) Tech: 25/17 Att. Very large, strong, rich, good leaders, Centre of Trade, colonial empire
Granada (1) Tech: 18/13 Att. Weak but independence guaranteed by mighty Aztec Empire
Hellas (1) Tech: 17/11 Att. Weak
Helvetia (2) Tech 28/13 Att. Small, well defended
Hungary (1) Tech: 20/12 Att. Weak
Mali (?) Tech: 13/4 Att. Size unknown but at least 3 provinces
Mamelukes (5) Tech: 15/6 Att. Getting slaughtered
Mantua (2) Tech: 26/10 Att. Weak
Mecklenburg (3) Tech: 29/21 Att. Small but rich, Centre of Trade
Netherlands (2) Tech: 31/26 Att. Small but rich and advanced, Centre of Trade
Norway (2) Tech: 28/22 Att. Weak
Ottomans (11) Tech: 17/11 Att. Getting slaughtered
Papal States (2) Tech: 27/20 Att. Weak
Poland (23) Tech: 16/6 Att. Large, weak but rich
Portugal (5) Tech: 26/20 Att. Small, Strong, 2 Centres of Trade
Puritans (7) Tech: 27/20 Att. Small
Russia (31) Tech: 23/9 Att. Large army, Centre of Trade, snow
Sardinia (1) Tech: 28/23 Att. Weak
Saxony (3) Tech: 27/6 Att. Small
Scotland (5) Tech 27/20 Att. Small
Sicily (5) Tech: 27/20 Att. Small
Spain (10) Tech: 16/11 Att. Medium, bankrupt, weak compared to size, sizable trading post empire in New World but no Centre of Trade
Sweden (23) Tech: 26/18 Att. Large and strong
Venice (8) Tech: 26/19 Att. Medium but strong, 2 Centres of Trade
Zimbabwe (5) Tech: 4/2 Att. Weak, pagans


I will be attaching Scientists to the various fronts, to oversee the rational application of the instrument of war to the situation on hand. In the meanwhile, I believe Seventh Scientist has a suggestion?"

"Thank you, Chief Scientist. To be brief, I believe that a great deal of warfare actually takes place in your enemies minds, and that, therefore, a great deal of good can be gained by putting him under psychological pressure. (I have plenty of evidence for this, but alas, it wouldn't fit it my briefcase so I can't present it here) We are the Mughal Empire, right? But Mughal doesn't sound aweinspiring, now does it? Imagine your average foreign dummy, told that he is at war with the Mughal Empire, do you think he goes: "Oh, no! Not the MUGHALS!". No, he doesn't! I think we should put a new label on our war efforts: Gentlemen, let us proclaim ourselves the Purple Menace for invasion purposes!"

"You make my head spin, Seventh Scientist, but I believe your idea has merit. Heh! And I am going to appoint you honorary doctor of spinning in acknowledgement of your good idea", responded the Chief Scientist.

"I am honured", replied the spin-doctor.

"Yes, you are", replied the Chief Scientist, and added under his breath, "...and if this backfires, you will envy Second Scientist. Purple Menace indeed."


"This, Gentlemen, concludes my masterplan. Let us get to work.


To be continued.


As to how the masterplan worked out, stay tuned. The opening moves will be transmitted within the next day or two.

Installment the Eigth

The Scientific Timurids: North and South

"Dear Chief Scientist. It is my pleasure to announce the totally brutal mauling we gave the Crimeans. We crushed those Crimean footsloggers, we truly did, taking Kerch, Azow, Kalmuk, and Kouban in January 1702. The weather is nice and the locals charming. Please send more money. Yrs. Nineteenth Scientist" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"Lespectfurry infolm Sil of conquest of Derta, Nire, Samalia, and Rebanon, July 1702. Cullentry row on suppries. Sincelery Youls, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

"Manchu has proclaimed it's independence, sir. They were slightly in revolt, like so many others, and well, you know how it goes. Leave a revolt for a few years due to bad weather, and suddenly, poof, one of the old nations arise from the ashes. Or from the snow in this case. I am sorry that my predecessor has failed to take care of the situation in time, and will do my utmost to rectify the situation." - Letter from CINCCHIN, September 1702

"Retake, reannex, and stop whining!" - Chief Scientist's reply

"Lespectfurry infolm Sil of conquest of Clete and Arbania flom Venice. Arso the conquest of Kosova and Herras flom the Ottoman Empile, rast yeal. This yeal of 1703 we annexed the nation Herras, which was not based in the plovince of Herras, sirry Gleeks. Molare is high, and the sobliquet Pulpre Menace fits us vely werr! Sincelery Youls, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

"...Initial results of the implementation of the masterplan were encouraging. Slowly, but steadily, we were biting off chunks of our enemies. Technologywise we upgraded our navy to use iron cannon in 1703. Now it was time to do some serious research in better weapons, spiffier uniforms, upgraded horses, improved camp whores, &etc. to advance our military. My good friend Hojo-Bubu's son, Bubu-junior, commanding the Southern armies was a steady source of good news, just too bad about his writing impediment. Anyway, while Second Scientist was recuperating in a remarkably strict Orthodox monastery (poor soul), we were only getting the war machine into gear. The greatest news of 1704 was the unprecedented offer of Sadrinsk, Kaffa, and Kola in peace from Russia. Kola! We were nowhere near Kola at the time, but Russia offered it for peace, probably not knowing it's true value. Although we might have gotten more land from Russia had we persisted in the war, nothing could be of as great a value. The acquisition of Kola, however, caused us to fight the Swedes twice a decade, and to conquer the rest of Russia to secure the land connection, but, well, those are the breaks. Am I right, or am I right?" - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CI

"...1706: Hinduism joins the dead religions. Chalk up one for the good guys. Congratulations Exquisitor, I believe a promotion is in order!" - From the annals of the Order of the Lamp Martial (top secret)

"...Great progress, sure. We entered a whole new military era in 1706, the socalled war of maneuvre. On the diplomatic front, the vassalisation of Algier in 1706 was the first step leading inevitably to their annexation, and well they knew it. But then, who wouldn't want to join us? Albania, that's who! The proclaimed their independence of the decadent Mughal Menace in March 1707. Dummies, that would be Mughal Empire or Purple Menace, not Mughal Menace. They get four months of independence in return for slaughter, terror, and rapine, before reannexation. Dummies, they must be. I ordered the Bursar to send exquisitors to Albania. Let the Albanians feel the heat of my righteous wrath. Actually 1707 was a pretty boring year. The Khan had gone to Afghanistan, and his timing was impeccable - for a dummy, that is. The Afghans rose in revolt, and we were out a Khan. Even worse, two candidates managed to score exactly the same on the Khan-examinations, which was something I had not anticipated happening. Oh, sure, I had contingency planning for the occasion, but had never expected implementing it. Letting them fight it out mud-wrestling with pitchforks did seem to work, however. There was the occasional ceremonial revolt on behalf of the loser, here and there, and stability plummeted to zero according to the ALU reckoning, but well, eight revolts the following month, when Bahâdar Khan was crowned, that can hardly be termed anything but a minor annoyance. Unlike Bahâdar himself. He may have been brilliant before the match, but following the lobotomy caused by the removal of his rival's pitchfork from his lower regions (I told the doctors it would be smarter to get at it from below, rather than above, but did they listen?) The dummy was a total failure. He only attracted one diplomat pr. year and his administrative abilities were non-existant. Unfortunately they still tie in somewhat with the actions of the exquisitors - whose succesrates suddenly halved. But the Khan is the Khan is the Khan, and, anyway, they tend not to last long. Fortunately the annexation of the Mamelukes and the taking of Sochi in Georgia from France in 1708 restored my good mood, and the claim of one-province Manchu, snowed under and besieged, that they were really China, had me my jolly old self again. Who did they think they were fooling? China or Manchu, they had already been annexed once, so why not again? Dummies are never in short supply, it seems. Things were going really well now, really well. 1710 we became even better at trading with the new spirit of liberalism, and the Northern command, under the watchful eye of one of the more martial members of the jeune ecole, took Volgograd, Astrakhan, Orenburg, and Tomsk from Russia. Add yet another Centre of trade to the collection. 1711 saw the reannexation of China (nee Manchu), yet another great leap forward (land tech 35), and the completed Sunnification of Nippon. My old friend Hojo-Bubu would have been proud." - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CIV

"...The innovative Pitchfork Mud-Wrestling All Mughal Khan Championship was to survive one more Khan. Tempers flared and revolts smouldered, but the best 'forker prevailed. Unfortunately Sigar Khan was as incompentent as his predecessor, Bahâdar Khan. Fortunately he spent all his time in the harem reciting bad poetry and boring his wives to death. Statistics shows a marked increase in accidental drownings and beheadings for adulterous liasons. This let the Khans able advisors keep the empire running. It was during these years, that the Catholic Cowards of Europe first felt the fist of the Purple Menace. But the first victims were the Ottoman Empire, Venice, and, to a lesser degree, Poland. Crimea was annexed in 1713, which year also marked the first time the Bourgeoisie as a whole tried to request greater priviledges. The ringleaders were turned down and inwards out. But as the Purple Menace spread, Venice was forced to give up Liguria, Ragusa, Dobrudja, and a few trading posts for peace in 1714, while the Ottomans lost Emilia, Bujak, Serbia, Wallachia, Bosnia, and Moldova. The Ottomans were thus reduced to protestant Wallachia, and sunni Thrace. A brief period of unhappiness amongst the artisans of Delhi ended with their prime-time execution in the city. The few survivors were very happy indeed, thus showing, once again, that the Mughal Empire knew the cure for the ills of its subjects. Admittedly, the artisans were treated a bit roughly by our days standards, buy those were rough times. The first Polish war petered out in 1715 due to lack of reinforcements, but the Empire gained Jedisin, so honour wasn't completely lost. The brilliant tactician and strategist, Hojo Bubu-junior, meanwhile took and annexed Tuscany the same year. This year also marked the conversion of all the Shiites of the Empire, and, by extension, the world. Not a Shiit left anywhere, or rather, no majority anywhere, since there will always be a few holdouts. Literally from day to day, the hitherho official acceptance of Shiites disappeared, now how is that for a coincidence?" - Excerpt from: Mighty Mughals: Sigar Khan

The Purple Menace, Europe, 1715


"Lespectfurry repolt conquest of Rugansk flom Flance. Lequest leinfolcements, heavy casuarties. The rocars ale fliendry, especiarry the women. Sincelery Youls, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

"We whopped those Ruskies, Chief, we truly did. Add Uralsk, Donetsk, Poltan, and Krementjug to the purple list. Please send reinforcements of infantry. We lost another fifty or sixty thousand of the chaps to the snow. The weather is not nice. It's friggin cold is what it is. But wait, I hear the ice breaking in my porridge, so must end letter here. Yrs. Nineteenth Scientist" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"Bonga, bonga, bam, bam, Zimbabwe, bam, bonga, bam, bam, bam, 1718, Rozwi, Nembire, Sofala, Cibuene, bim, bam, bum, BONGA!" - Official communique on the results of the first Zimbabwean war

"...Fortunately Sagir was beaten to death by one of the descendents of foreign affairs. I took the liberty of spiriting her away to save her from the executioners. Heart of gold and balls of bronze, that's me. She rewarded me with a gift to the state, so to speak. Unfortunately, the new Khan Muhamman was yet another dummy. I might have to give the questionaires a revision, some decade soon. Anyhow, come July 1719 the Ottoman Empire entered the Tulip Era! Gosh, don't scare me so! And they lost their last external province as Siedenburgen declared independence. When we finally get rid of them, the world will be a better place. On the war front, news was still good, with the conquest of Marche and Romagna from Mantua in 1719. But then the Papal States declared war. The Papal States, how to describe them? Imagine a little piss-ant nation led by a control-freak with visions of grandeur who considers himself to be the spiritual leader of all the Catholics (misguided heathens all) and you are pretty close. Nevertheless some bloody idiots at home seized on this to run a major smear campaign against me. IT IS THE COLLAPSE OF THE MUGHAL EMPIRE they cried in the streets. And pretty soon the nobles were up in arms again (unlike the brief alliance with foreign powers two years previous, this time they really meant it). DOWN WITH THE SCIENTIST CONSPIRACY! was another of the rallying cries. DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT TO CHIEF SCIENTIST was perhaps the most disquieting. My counter-propaganda, devised by the spin-doctor, went Chief Scientist say: MAKE LOVE NOT WAR, I DO and Chief Scientist say: RESPECTFULLY OBEY MY ORDERS, but met with a remarkable lack of success. Finally the nobles demanded to meet me, not the Khan, in a complete break with tradition, and demanded a complete decentralisation of power. I, of course, agreed, made a few token concessions, stroked the ruffled feathers, and waited several months before sending the exquisitors. Those boys sure come in handy at times. And as for collapse, ha! There were no revolts for the first two months following the socalled collapse, despite rock-bottom stability!, and it only took nine months to regain stability, ha! And when I finally prove, as will no doubt turn out to be the case, that Second Scientist was behind it, he will be punished. But how can I punish him any harder, than he has already been? I have a hobby project, it seems! Things began looking better again with the conquest of Napoli from the Papal States in October 1720. Having received urgent requests for more troops from both the Northern and Southern command, I decided to lower training criteria to 10% losses during basic training, thus guaranteeing a manpower of 104,000 a year. My diplomatic initiatives brought the peaceful annexation of Algiers the following year, thus allowing us to permanently patrol the straits of Gibraltar against enemy shipping." Chief Scientist: Dialogues CXI

"Sep. 1722: Belgorod and Ukraine captured. Send more money, well heck, send some money, any money! Even better, send food! We're cold, starving, and poor. Please help an army in need." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"Lespectfurry announce annexation of the Ottoman Empile, this gleat month of June, 1723. I annexed Siedenbulgen rast yeal, though that was a stlange campaign. I met a batty gentreman who craimed to be a Vampile carred Vrad, with a stake in the futule of the plovince. He had a stlange accent because of his shalp incisols. Finarry, when I courd stand his brood jokes no mole, I offeled him galric, and he reft. He was a vely slange man, learry. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

The Purple Menace, Europe, 1723


"Oct. 1723: Vorones, Bogutjar captured. Have eaten my boots." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"Keep up the good work, the Mughal Empire depends upon you. A pair of boots have been ordered and should arrive with the army in a year or so." - Some obscure bureaucrat's reply

"Bonga, Zimbabwe" - First news of the annexation of Zimbabwe, 1723.

"Lespectfurry infolm sil of my captule of plovinces Siciry and Apuria as well as tlibute from Siciry, this yeal, 1724. Beg to repolt massive revorts in Flance. A bleak-up of Flance in neal futule is nealry celtain. Wirr attempt to acquile some Flench women fol youl pelusar. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

"...With the new construction of Conscription Centres in all our core provinces (the only truly loyal provinces, really, so reports the Order of the Lamp Martial) our yearly manpower has risen to 156,000. I believe this may be enough to enable us to enact stage two of the masterplan, subject to your approval, Chief Scientist.", said the Bursar.

"With the recent reduction of Venice and the disintegration of France, which is taking place before our very eyes, I believe you are right. Northern Command will keep on pounding Russia, but the real targets now must be Poland and Austria, while the Italian Army keeps expanding our sphere of influence steadily. Designate the Italian Army Southern Command. Reassign the Polish Command to Hojo Bubu-junior, and designate his command Central Command, and start funneling real reinforcements. When war breaks out on that front again, which it will surely do, we must be prepared.", replied the Chief Scientist, and as he desired, so was it done.

The Purple Menace, Europe, 1725


"Lespectfurry lepolt the annexation of the Papar States forrowing oul unjustified decralation of wal by Southeln Command and assassination of sirry nobreman last year (he wanted to buird sirry gleat parace, but I lefused). Oul Porish Invasion Almy is now 172,000 men and oul Austlian Invasion Almy is now 101,000 men. The Porish and Austlians have just decraled wal. We ale clossing the boldel even as I wlite. In case of rong wal, prease send Geisha leinfolcements. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

The Purple Menace, The Invasion of Austria and Poland, 1728


...And thus begins stage two of the masterplan...

To be continued.

(The next real installment will be some days from now. The narrative has nearly caught up with the game, and the constant wars, marches, countermarches, sieges, countersieges, rebels, raising troops, and random events, have slowed the progress to a crawl. But I will persevere. Interesting fact: The ALU report named approximately 266 provinces for conquest. Over 120 years, that makes circa 7/3 provinces pr. year. So after some time, if I attempt to keep up the pace, I should have, on average, 70-75 provinces with nationalism at any time. A quick manual count gives me 60 provinces conquered 1701-1727, so I am on the right track. Hmmm. Hope I manage to stamp out the Orhodox. The religious tolerance sliders will make things easier.)

#¤&%/%#¤! Catalunya

War exhaustion 6%, avg. 9 rebellions/month. Only one nation at war: Catalunya at 0 war score... I offer them 500 ducats for peace with my one remaining diplomat (the current Khans aren't great diplomats... Or administrators.. Or warriors, for that matter).
may 30, 1447: Catalunya rejects our generous peace offer

#&%#&¤%!"¤# I want an extra diplomat soon. Before the next war breaks out. Currently losing more men to attrition + rebels than I can raise yearly (184,000)

Edit: Survived it.

Perhaps, just perhaps, stage two of the masterplan was too ambitious? Scratch that. The surprise invasion of England was worth it.

- Rictus: ALU cannot parse "Sod the Locals". Nearest equivalent "Earth the civilian population". Civilian population is not electrified. Query makes no sense. ALU out.

- Laur: Apallentry Hojo Bubu-juniol is in the plocess of laising filst wrak legiments.

Originally posted by Storey
I can't believe it. You're really trying to take over the world! I thought it was all talk until I saw the purple tide covering Nipon. That was when I realized that you were serious p ) and might even succeed. Very funny. Looking forward to the next post.

Joe

Click to expand...

No, no. The benevolent scientists aren't trying to take over the world. They merely defend themselves against agressors - rather succesfully, I might add.

At the moment rebellions run something like this at stab +3 (Where I tend to stay. If I momentarily drop below, somebody gets annexed):
0 war exhaustion: 0-4 rebellions/mth
2 war exhaustion: 1-6 rebellions/mth
4 war exhaustion: 3-11 rebellions/mth
6 war exhaustion: 5+ rebellions/mth
8 war exhaustion: Forget it, I'm not going there. This is the magic number where sunni non-mongol non-core provinces might revolt, and there are a lot of those.

Major problem: The breakup of France created a large number of independent German states not in any alliance. Record was 11 different wars at the same time. At 2 dip/year when at war, well, at times things are desperate

But the colonization of Siberia really pays off. All those 40+ provinces with 0.3 or 0.5 manpower (because of same culture and religion) that never revolt.

I expect stage two of the masterplan to be written by Thursday, possibly Wednesday, no later than Friday.
And Faeelin - Thanks for the warning about the Lenape and the Manhattan Project. The ALU has been notified.

Installment the ninth

The Timurids Scientists: The Wrak and the Chain Letter"

"Lespectfurry lepolt that invasion of Austlia and Porand went accolding to pran. We pouled ovel theil boldels, clushed theil almies, bulned theil virrages, hamrets, and towns, laped theil women, confiscated theil ramps, uttelry obritelated theil leselves, store theil halvest, and made a genelar nuisance of oulserves. We captuled Podoria, Banat, Malos, Luthenia, Kulrand, Memer, Garizien, Chelnigov, Mozyl, Kulsk, and Tura by 1729. But this is arr incidentar to what I now have to lerate. I tarked again to the vampile Vrad, and he tord me of some dleadfur beasts that once haunted this legion. The Wraks! The mighty Wraks, whose hide no swold nol burret could pierce, and against whose stench no almy could stand. I was srightry disberieving, but he had ploof! Ploof, I terr you! In the deepest folests of Wrakia he showed me a pail of Wraks. Foltunatery I had a cord, and courd smerr nothing, but my eyes wateled. I have taken this pair and am cullentry setting up an ambitious Wrak bleeding ploglam. They courd have a majol impact on the wal effolt! Sincelery Youls, Hojo Bubu-juniol." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Central Campaign"

"Dear Sir. It is my pleasure to announce the occupation, and, indeed, annexation, of Milan and Sicily. The natives are colourful and somewhat disobedient, and, like the rest of Italy, rising in rebellion quite often. I find, however, that the application of a stout stick tends to curb their unfortunate tendencies. I am slightly worried, however, by persistent rumours that the last ruler of the papal states (the pope, you know, that catholic guy with the funny hat), is still alive. If true he could be a serious rallying figure for the natives. But I digress. Please send a copy of your latest treatise, Chief Scientist. Yours truly, twenty-fourth Scientist." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

"June 1732. Thanks for the boots. They were two sizes to small, but made an excellent meal. The men were envious, but I directed their envy and malicious energy at the opposition with great results. We gained Moscow, Saratow, Ryazan, Livland, Estland, Tver, and UFA, for the Mighty Mughal Empire. Is it too much to ask for a bit of food?" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"...Actually Chief Scientist, our economy is way better now than before stage two started. During the five years of war since then we have raised more than 600,000 men. Losses, however, have surpassed 750,000, including those lost in France and the mountains of Helvetia (annexed last month, I believe), which means that we actually have to pay fewer soldiers! If we continue like this it seems likely that we will lose our entire army within a decade or two, especially with the increasing war exhaustion (currently +6%, guaranteeing a substantial number of rebellions per month), and our finances will be stellar again!" - Excerpt from: "I made $$$$ fast"

"...Stage two of the Masterplan? It went pretty much as expected really. Things were pretty hairy for a while in 1733 when the peasantry revolted, which, added to the general discontent and sour grapes, caused something like ten rebellions per month, but overall, things went according to plan. Not surprising, given that it was my plan, but pleasing nevertheless. The hardest battles were those fought in or around Northern Italy, but with the annexation of Savoy, November 1733, we had a foothold strong enough to reinforce against French counterattack. Remarkably our greatest problem was getting the Khan to promote enough diplomats to offer our peace agreements, during those years. Well that and the revolts, really. Meanwhile our trade grew ever freer, and I tell you, free trade is great when noone can compete with you. Not so great was the dummy who suggested the building of yet another great palace. Well, he won't be troubling me anymore." - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CXXX

"Lespectfurry lepolt the occupation of Calpathia, Magyal, Pest, Cloatia, Rithuania, Werikia, Pskov, Voryn, Beralus, and Smorensk flom Austlia and Porand this year 1736. Courd not, unfoltunatery, occupy mole of Porand, since a gleat almy of Plussia red by Von Gesrel kept stearing sieges flom me. Initial Wrak bleeding ploglam has lun into plobrems. The Wraks don't fit werr in our tlanspolts, ale incledibry noisy, ale too hungly, and ale extlemery hald to tlain. I am attempting ladicar apploach using ancient Nippones wisdom. Attached new map of Eulope. Sincelery Youls, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Central Campaign"

The Purple Menace, Europe, 1736


"July 1739. Thanks ever so much for the biscuits and the salt-water. Even the crustiest of my veterans, and they are a crusty lot, felt rejuvenated by the new supplies. I am proud to announce that due to the increased strength and spirits of my troops, we have now captured Kazan, Tambar, Nizhgorod, Vologda, Novgorod, Olonets, Arkhangelsk, and Karelia. Russia is now down to three provinces! Rah, but we are great, and we are lean, mean, fighting sardines! Next stop: Sweden. I hear their weather is better. Please send more money. Yrs. Nineteenth Scientist" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"...DON'T BE ENCHAINED! Surrender your army, your gold, your women, your lamps, and your country. This is a chain letter. Do not break the chain. The last country that broke the chain woke up with 200,000 Mughal Maniacs of the Purple Menace on the front lawn one bright morning. Sign your country's name on the surrender form, and pass it on to one of your neighbours." - Standard letter sent to minor german states during the invasion of the Purple Menace. Several surrendered.

"...Those were amazing years of instant conquest by Chain Letter. The increased literacy of Western Europe (due to the introduction of national-language bibles, really) meant that a large literate population with well-honed survival instincts, could suddenly see such a chain letter stuck in every pub and on every street corner, due to the covert activities of the Order of the Lamp Martial. Though details are scant, it is believed that the annexation of Baden (1740), Venice (1744), Wurtemburg (1747), Helvetia (1747), and Lorraine (1751) were the direct result of Chain Letters. The initial force-vassalisations of Hessen and the Palatinate (both 1746) has never been conclusively proven to be Chain Letter inspired, but rumours were rife at the time. Despite the tremendous achievements though these years of bloody European wars, as Sweden and Saxony were added to the already numerous battlefields and crushed, the pinnacle of achievement was probably the daring invasion of England, May 1741. The Great General, Hojo Bubu-junior, had sailed an invasion army from Thrace to Cornwall. His declaration of war arrived a scant day before he landed his troops. Met by the fanatical Puritan armies, the Great General unveiled his newest weapon of mass destruction: The Wlak Cannon! Capable of leveling a fortress or kneecapping an infantry-line from extreme range, the Puritans had nothing that could stand against it." - Excerpt from: "Mighty Mughals: The Great General"

"Learry, it was an ord tlick. Using a big hammer and an adjustable nutclackel to sclew on the barrs of the Wrak burrs, I succeeded in bleeding sevelar genelations of evel smarrel Wraks! Finarry I managed to leduce them to a size that fit into a cannon, without them rosing the natular haldiness of the Wrak. When filed at an enemy, these Bonsai-Wrak cut thlough evelything, and when theil momentum is spent, they lun alound rike mad, kneecapping the infantly, scaling the holses, and making a gleat noice indeed. Theil casuarties ale minimar, and most of them can be corrected aftel battre. Arso, they make gleat pets, and can be used to pray footbarr!" -Excerpt from: "BONSAI! The Wrak Letulns!"

"...I know, I know. Quality before Quantity and so on and so forth. But I reduced the training schedule to allow most of the recruits to survive because of my deeply humanitarian views. Incidentally, that meant we could raise an estimated 183,000 manpower per year. The forties were good years as my diplomatic initiatives resulted in the friendly vassalisation of our allies Mali and Granada thanks to an excellent minister (there are far too few of those, as opposed to dummies, I tell you). Once Mali was vassalised, they gave us their maps of Africa, and would you believe it, Mali controlled 23 provinces. Not bad at all. It looked like we could leave Africa alone for the moment. Meanwhile, our infrastructural and trading technologies were being rated at level 9 by the ALU, which was a significant improvement. The only nagging irritant was the fact that nobody but our allies liked us, and the fact that we were engaged in a great number of wars. Minor wars, really, but still, the dearth of diplomats was beginning to hurt. (And the stupid Nobles who kept allying with soon-to-be-annexed nations? They hurt slightly as well, nothing seriously though)

The Diplomatic Relationships of the Mughal Empire, 1746


On consideration, twenty-fourth Scientist made a grievious error, when he accepted Bearn and Bourgogne from Auvergne in March 1747. Sure it looked nice, but no sooner taken, than Catalunya declared war. At this point war exhaustion was high and rebellions many, so he made neutral peaces with France and Provence. And only Catalunya was at war with the Empire. As we had all come to recognize (some more belatedly than others, I name no names, Third Scientist), such interludes are brief, so hurriedly twenty-fourth Scientist offered 500 ducats for peace although no battles had been fought and no provinces besieged. I could have accepted it, had the ploy succeeded, though the Bursar would surely have complained at the loss, but Catalunya refused! And there were no Mughal diplomats left. Three months and 26 rebellions later Catalunya managed to capture Bearn by siege. With unseemly haste, we offered them Bearn for peace, and they accepted, Allah be praised! But it was a close call, since Bearn was also adjacent to Navarra and the French Catholics, who might have declared war at any time." - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CXXX

"February 1753. Have taken Danzig, Nyland, Savolaks, Småland, Gästrikland, Narvik, Finnmark, Jämtland, and Tavastland from Sweden. Request reinforcements, now!" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Northern Campaign"

"Even here I have heard rumours of the incompetence and madness of Ahmad Shah, so it must be a great pleasure for you to work with the new Khan, Alangir. The rumours of the Pope's survival persist despite the severe persecution by the Order of the Lamp Martial. I am getting slightly worried. Since you like to be kept up to date, we have within the last five years (and according to the five year plan) annexed the Palatinat, Provence, and Köln, taken Ansbach from Bavaria, Bremen and Vorpommern from Mecklemburg, Lyonnais and Orleannais from Auvergne. We have exceeded the plan by also acquiring seven tradingposts from the Netherlands. Yours truly, twenty-fourth Scientist." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Southern Campaign"

"...Alangir Khan, nah, he's just another dummy I fear. Perhaps I may have to rehabilitate Second Scientist, returning him to the front from the remote Orthodox monastery. That Friedrich II of Prussia is getting just a little too dangerous, though you wouldn't know it, to read the official reports. It is time for stage three of the Masterplan." - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CXXXII

The Purple Menace, Europe, 1754. End of stage two of the Masterplan


To be continued...