The Very Secret Diaries of the Roman Emperors

[EightDeer]

The Very Secret Diary of the Roman Emperor Alexios I Komnenos(1)

Jan 6th, 1820 AUC

Konstantinos X Doukas died yesterday. Named me his heir.
Mikhael Doukas taking news well. Euphrosyne (wife) became quite upset when I asked to borrow her tiara for coronation ceremony.
First act as Emperor - a reform of the calendar.

Jan 8th, 1820 AUC

Turks a problem. Issued Grand Mobilisation order to all and sundry. War aims - take whatever I want. Slaughter any who complain.
In other matters, entire court of previous Basileus fled to Adrianopolis. Patriarhiko quit post after coronation and disappeared inside Stoudios monastery. Court of the Basileus now has grand total of 7 people. My wife is the only person capable of being Megas Logothetes, Megas Domestikos Demetrios Aulenos is a coward and the Logothetes tou Cryptou can be heard coming from three rooms away due to his clubfoot.

Feb 3rd, 1820 AUC

Marching. Fields, hills and plains are beautiful to look at - pain to march through. Still no Patriarhiko.

Feb 18th, 1820 AUC

Have sent Logothetes tou Dromou Leo Palaiotes to Napoli to reaffirm Napoli's position as a part of the Basileia. Patriarchy remains vacant.

Feb 21st, 1820 AUC

Palaiotes reports success. Napoli is once more securely part of the Basileia. Logothetes tou Cryptou Ioannes Arbintenos reports that Palaiotes had some trouble at first, but he happened to mention Constantinople's former name, and afterwards Spartenos became exceptionally agreeable. No Patriarhiko.

Mar 13, 1820 AUC

More marching. Have reached outskirts of desert. Yes! We have no Patriarhiko, We have no Patriarhiko today!

Apr 8, 1820 AUC

Interesting news on the Patriarhiko front; brother Isaakios (Prinkeps ton Antioch) has been unable to find anyone to become Patriarhiko ton Antioch. Two vacant Patriarchies - there is something new under the sun after all. Have created a new court position. Courtier Euphrosyne Chandrenos is now Logothete tis Dimioyrgias ton Fraseon gia na Perigrapsei to Patriarhiko Keno(2)(3). She has informed me that the squeaky wheel is still missing its axle.



(1)Yes! It's yet another Byzantine AAR! There are four of them on the front page as of this writing, so I'm doing my bit to drown AARland in Imperial purple.

(2)Logothete of the Creation of Phrases to Describe the Patriarchal Vacancy

(3)This title was created with a couple of online translators, so it's most likely hideously mangled. Come to think of it, there's a high probability most of the rest of the Ellinika in this piece is a lingustic abomination.

This is my first AAR, indeed my first bit of voluntary writing. I can't decide whether this will be comedy or tragedy. Will possibly end up going back and forth between the two, although it's more likely to end up in a third category - trainwreck.

[Shuma]

Welcome to AAR writing!

I see not having a patriarch is on Alexios's mind a lot. Good luck finding one, and defeating the Turks.

[Jon Young]

What Shuma said
Plus, would I be right in thinking that the Basileus just diarised the conquest of Napoli? Or were they vassalised?

[stnylan]

One can never have too many Roman AARs. Good to see you join the crew.

[EightDeer]

Shuma: Thanks! The Turks will be dealt with; the Patriarchy may remain vacant for quite some time.

Jon Young: Vassalised.

stnylan Well, that's a relief. I though I was being unoriginal.

One thing I should have mentioned in the first post is version info: I'm playing CK 1.05 + BOPACK + SMACK.

EDIT: The Standard Construction List is now available here for those who don't know what all those numbers mean.

#1 - Forestry
#2 - Sawmill
#3 - Tile-factory
#4 - Royal Post
#5 - Court of Justice
#6 - School
#7 - Library
#8 - Training-grounds
#9 - Moneylenders

[EightDeer]

May 24, 1820 AUC

Arhiepiskopos ton Galatia has complained that he wants his troops returned home, and futhermore there's no reason to be fighting. Considered sending Palaiotes to explain Why We Fight, then decided someone that stupid would have trouble with all the multi-syllable words. Have split army in two - a small 2,500 man force to defend the rear (commanded by Prinkeps of Cherson), while the main army of 7,500 goes conquering (commanded by me).
Have officially ended the fiction of independent Bulgaria - had myself crowned as Regas ton Bulgaria. Cups still missing handles.

May 25, 1820 AUC

At last! Battle! I am now attempting to take Nisibin. Strangely, the Hungarians, Pechenegs and Serbians seem to have not noticed that the western border is completely defenceless. Pillars still broken at the top.

Jun 7, 1820 AUC

Took almost two weeks, but Seljuk army driven off. Unable to achieve complete destruction. They'll be back. Palaiotes now considered something of a hero. Skull still missing eyes. Have sent message to wife asking her to review Chandrenos's salary.

Jul 21, 1820 AUC

So many battles, skirmishes and other minor engagements. They all run together; not worthwhile listing them all. David Balantes (official title: Some Guy) is making a name for himself as a hero.
Point of interest - the two Sardinian counts have gained their independence without bloodshed. Can only recapture Sardinia after retaking Southern Italy and Sicily. Reason: We need to control the shipping lanes in order to send messages and soldiers freely to the island. Boots still missing laces.

Aug 6, 1820 AUC

ARGH! One of those minor engagements was just cover to get supplies into the Turkish fort. Have to start siege all over again(1). Message from wife has informed me of unexpected benefit of Chandrenos's incredibly long title; ink and paper industries experiencing major boom. Christ still missing two of his five heads.

Aug 17, 1820 AUC

Palaiotes now considered a courageous hero. Two men on the street still unemployed.

Oct 18, 1820 AUC

Past few months have been long periods of boredom interspersed with brief interludes of great danger and sharp terror. No matter, Nisibin is finally mine! Moving on to Al Jazira. Gave Palaiotes command of a regiment during recent battle. He is now known as an inept courageous hero. Sacrificial lambs still missing.

Dec 11, 1820 AUC

Robert de Hauteville has taken Capua. I have granted wife permission to use treasury for alms to the mothers and wives of the soldiers. We have job openings for a Cook, a Thief, his Wife and her Lover.

Dec 20, 1820 AUC

Al Jazira taken. For some reason, we have been overwhelmed with news of the world. Al Bichri next. Tree still missing two branches.

Jan 2, 1821 AUC

Ankyra and Paphlagonia now contain regulated Forestries. Forgot I authorised those. Have ordered construction of a Sawmill, and a Tile-factory, respectively. Fence still missing posts.


(1)Yeah, I won a battle and then I had to do the siege all over again! Definite WTF moment there...

[Cyra]

Where did all nasty little Roman secrets go? We want pr000n ...

Ok, lame joke here. Nice AAR

[stnylan]

A successful war sounds like.

[Shuma]

What's with all the missing stuff?

A very weird bug with the siege resetting. But you seem to have the situation under control anyway.

[Specialist290]

I'm looking forward to seeing more creativity from the Logothete tis Dimioyrgias ton Fraseon gia na Perigrapsei to Patriarhiko Keno

[EightDeer]

Cyra: Thanks! I don't intend for my first AAR to go unfinished, so tune in next time. Same Roman time! Same Roman channel!

stnylan: Very successful.

Shuma: I don't know what's up with the missing stuff. It's missing.

Specialist290: Sadly, the Logothete tis Dimioyrgias ton Fraseon gia na Perigrapsei to Patriarhiko Keno has been discontinued.

Just so everyone knows: I can take criticism, so if you see an area where improvement is needed feel free to point it out.

[EightDeer]

Feb 8, 1821 AUC

Al Bichri has been taken. Tadmor targeted. Troops grumbling about the lack of plunder in this campaign. I realise I have been neglecting the development of the conquered territories, so I have ordered construction of a Forestry in Nisibin, and Royal Posts in Al Jazira and Al Bichri.
In very important news, WE HAVE A PATRIARHIKO! Romanos Antiochites is a 54 year-old confirmed sceptic who humps anything that moves and considers the Sixth Commandment to be strictly for losers. He's also a better troop commander than my current Megas Domestikos. Have informed him that he's only the Patriarhiko because there is quite literally no-one else to fill the position.
Feb 25, 1821 AUC

Megas Domestikos Aulenos has invented a few new siege tactics. He likes sieges. So much safer than battle. Have written to Euphrosyne with instructions to discontinue the position of Logothete tis Dimioyrgias ton Fraseon gia na Perigrapsei to Patriarhiko Keno. Something else has come to my attention: my brother has no less than three people capable of filling the position of Patriarhiko ton Antioch; he simply refuses to fill it(1).

Mar 3, 1821 AUC

Have sent Palaiotes to Ragusa to offer the little Republic the opportunity to join the Basilea. Instructed him to tell the Magistrate that Ragusa will become Imperial territory, one way or the other. Ink merchants in Konstantinoupoli have filed formal complaint about the demotion of Chandrenos.

Mar 14, 1821 AUC

Ragusa now part of the Basilea. Have sent message to wife asking her to do something about the greatly-debased state of the solidus.

Apr 6, 1821 AUC

Tadmor mine. Sinjar will soon be mine. Have ordered construction of another Royal Post in Tadmor.

Apr 26, 1821 AUC

The Road network in Konstantinoupoli and surroundings begun under Konstantinous X completed today. Have begun a Forestry. Wife informs me that the solidus has been discontinued, and the hyperperon has been commisioned to replace it. She has sent me the first hyperperon ever minted.

May 19, 1821 AUC

Today I had a disturbing conversation with Ioannes Doukas, Prinkeps ton Nikomedeia. I record it here in full.


I was in my tent, reviewing maps of the terrain surrounding Sinjar's small fort when he entered. He knelt and addressed me with guarded eyes: "Hail, mighty Basileus, by the grace of-"(2)
I told him to skip the formalities, and state his case. He licked his lips, and appeared to be gathering his courage. "You are aware that this campaign has lasted 17 months already?"
Instant suspicion. "I know this. What of it?"
He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. "Discontent spreads through the army. Many of the men are longing for home, angry about not seeing their families for over a year and upset with the total absence of loot. They want to know when this war will be over."
"Don't you want to know, too? You have a young wife, surely you feel the siren song of home."
He blinked at this. Possibly he believe I had not noticed the undertones of discontent among the various commanders. Or did he assume I thought the nobles immune from homesickness?
"Yes. I too wish to return home, but I am noble. We endure what would break lesser men." If by 'endure' he meant whisper about in dark corners.
I considered my answer carefully. "I have a list of provinces to acquire, and no-one is going home until I have each and every last one."
That caused the first emotional reaction I got out of him. Fury. "What in the name of Christ is wrong with you? Morale is at rock-bottom, and a full half of the soldiers we began with have died or deserted! Are we all to die for - what? Pride? Cartography?"
So, he was another of the small-minded fools that ran Roma into the ground. I matched his anger with my own.
"Show some respect! As to your question, the answer is: we are dying for the Basilea. Have you ever read a history book? Are you aware that the Basilea has been in decline since Traianos wore the purple? Diocletian. Konstantinous I. Ioustinianos I. Heraklios. Basileos I and II. All these men are counted among the greatest rulers of the Romaioi, and yet all they did is halt the decline for a few decades. All their lasting achievements have been non-military. Diocletian's division of the Basilea. Konstantinous's legalisation of Christianity. The laws of Ioustinianos. Heraklios's thema. All the blood they spilt was for naught.
The second reaction. Shock. "You dishonour the sacrifices of our ancestors-"
I cut him off. "I dishonour nothing! Ioustinianos's reclamations fell apart before his body was cold. I refuse to sit quietly and hold what we currently possess. I also refuse to be one who merely staves off the decay with small territorial gains along the borders. I intend to be the first to truly reverse the decline, no matter the cost!" I was shouting now. Half the camp probably heard the tail-end of our argument.
He bit off what was undoubtedly an angry response, rose and made to leave. "Remember two things when attempting to achive your... goals. One is the cost of your ambition."
He paused at the tent's entrance, and turn back with a small smile on his face. "The other is that not everyone is willing to pay that cost." With that, he left.


Clearly, Doukas will need to be watched closely.

Jun 7, 1821 AUC

I have a daughter! Euphrosyne has informed me that she has been baptized as Anna Komnenos. A beautiful name.
Have called for reinforcements from some of the Komes that missed the Grand Mobilisation of last year.

Jun 12, 1821 AUC

Another month, another province. Sinjar taken, started the now-standard Royal Post. Suwaida next.

Jun 28, 1821 AUC

ARGH! Maybe Suwaida not next. I now have to turn around and retake Tadmor.

Jul 1, 1821 AUC

I should have worn my codpiece. Oh, the pain...

Aug 4, 1821 AUC

Managed to get wife pregnant while she was visiting the front. Have accepted peace with Emir of Lut for 24 hyperperon.

Sep 18, 1821 AUC

The Forestry has been completed in Nisibin. Sawmill begun. Arbintenos has received a whole stack of news related to the Iberian peninsula. I copy them here in order to properly document Iberia's descent into madness:

Jul 30, 1821 : Emirate of Mallorca declared war upon Emirate of Murcia.
Jul 30, 1821 : Sheikdom of Molina declared war upon Emirate of Murcia.
Jul 30, 1821 : Kingdom of Beni Helal declared war upon Sheikdom of Molina.
Aug 26, 1821 : Emirate of Sevilla declared war upon Republic of Cordoba.
Aug 26, 1821 : Sheikdom of Albarracin declared war upon Republic of Cordoba.
Aug 26, 1821 : Kingdom of Hammadid declared war upon Sheikdom of Albarracin.
Aug 26, 1821 : Emirate of Sevilla declared war upon Kingdom of Hammadid.
Sep 2, 1821 : Emirate of Zaragoza declared war upon Kingdom of Aragon.
Sep 2, 1821 : Kingdom of León declared war upon Emirate of Zaragoza.
Sep 6, 1821 : Kingdom of Aragon declared war upon Sheikdom of Calatayud.
Sep 6, 1821 : Kingdom of León declared war upon Sheikdom of Calatayud.
Sep 7, 1821 : Emirate of Zaragoza declared war upon County of Asturias de Oviedo.
Sep 11, 1821 : Kingdom of Aragon declared war upon Sheikdom of Tarragona.
Sep 11, 1821 : Kingdom of León declared war upon Sheikdom of Tarragona.

The King of Castile and the King of Navarre seem determined to stay out of it, as are the Emirs of Badajoz, Granada and Toledo. Smart men.

Oct 4, 1821 AUC

Tadmor retaken. Suwaida next. Really. I mean it this time.

Oct 21, 1821 AUC

Apparently some Frankish noblemen have joined us for the glory of killing heathens, and the wealth of plundering heathens. Won't they be suprised...

Oct 29, 1821 AUC

Arbintenos is not known as a hero like Palaiotes, however he *is* fast becoming known as a competent commander.

Nov 22, 1821 AUC

Suwaida mine. Royal Post. Have called a halt to the campaign in order to allow the troops to regain morale. Have also created two new titles: Prinkeps ton Al Jazira and Prinkeps ton Palmyra.

Dec 9, 1821 AUC

Have altered budget. Church donations to maximum, cut census tax and tolls by 15%. Scutage and Crown duty remain at 50%.

Dec 14, 1821 AUC

Some burghers in Ankyra have demanded that I forbid peasants from selling inside city walls. Have given them an eight-word response: Learn to compete or go bankrupt. Your choice.

Dec 22, 1821 AUC

Matthaios Phokas, Prinkeps ton Aegean Islands has been voicing many of the same complaints as Ioannes Doukas. The difference is that Phokas is saying them openly for all to hear. Trouble. Lots of trouble.

Jan 3, 1822 AUC

Now Nestor Tzamplakon, Prinkeps ton Varna is doing the same. Evidently pausing for a rest gives the nobles far too much time to think. I will not make this mistake again. We march for Deir.


(1) Anyone out there know the AI's conditions for appointing a Diocese Bishop?
(2) I have no idea of the proper formalities involved in addressing the Basileus, so I made one up.

[Shuma]

Are we all to die for - what? Pride? Cartography?

"Yes! We must have pretty borders, or else my head would hurt when I look at maps!"

That would have shut him up! Seriously, I hope you manage to keep those pesky vassals in line. I enjoyed the sidetrack off the usual style to present the whole conversation, very nicely done.

I'd just like to make one suggestion, and that is to include a map of your gains once the war is over.

[VILenin]

Glad to see you joining the Byzantine camp. Onward Roman soldiers! And I think that maybe Dukas should have an "unfortunate" accident.

[JimboIX]

Fun AAR so far, looks like Alexios is making progress. He has an amusing style. I like the use of A.U.C., gives it a nice Roman flavor.

[Llywelyn]

WE HAVE A PATRIARCH! Romanos Antiochites is a 54 year-old confirmed sceptic who humps anything that moves and considers the Sixth Commandment to be strictly for losers. He's also a better troop commander than my current Strategos.

That sounds about par for this game

She has sent me the first hyperperon ever minted.

Hopefully still in its original packaging. No doubt it'll be worth a mint some day.

Clearly, Doukas will need to be watched closely.

By border guards on the Crimea, as they use his body for target practice, I believe you meant to say.

Anna Komnenos. A beautiful name.

Pah. Sounds like one of those writers...

Just be sure to marry her to someone far away from the Imperial Palace.

j.

[EightDeer]

Shuma: Thanks! The conversation was hard to write, but it's probably my favourite bit now that it's done. And as for the map...

VILenin: Doukas remains alive as of this writing. A good diplomat can solve many problems.

JimboIX: Thankyou for the kind words.

Hopefully still in its original packaging. No doubt it'll be worth a mint some day.

*badum-ching!* *audience groans, engages in loud booing, throws rotten fruit*

By border guards on the Crimea, as they use his body for target practice, I believe you meant to say.

Tragically, the other nobles of the Empire tend to get rather upset when you kill one.

Just be sure to marry her to someone far away from the Imperial Palace.

I hear the Faroe Islands are nice this time of millenium.

[EightDeer]

Feb 7, 1822 AUC

Deir. Royal Post. Kirkuk.

Feb 14, 1822 AUC

The disloyalty is spreading. The Arhiepiskopos ton Thessalonika is the latest to join the chorus of treason.

Feb 22, 1822 AUC

Damn them. Mikhael Doukas, once my most loyal supporter, is now a voice in the chorus.

Feb 24, 1822 AUC

Forestry completed in Konstantinoupoli. Have begun a Royal Post in order to link the Mesopotamian territories to the capital.

Mar 29, 1822 AUC

Kirkuk. Forestry. Euphrates.

May 4, 1822 AUC

Euphrates. Royal Post. Mosul. Have sent 2 regiments commanded by anonymous nobodies to take Az Zarqa and Al Habbariyah. For some reason, the anonymous commanders keep asking me if I like mudkips.

Jun 2, 1822 AUC

The Sawmill and Tile-factory were completed in Paphlagonia and Ankyra. Have begun Road network in Ankyra, and Tile-factory in Paphlagonia.

Jun 8, 1822 AUC

Mosul taken. Was unable to construct the standard Royal Post because the former Emir of Mosul had already begun a Library. Now for Kurdistan.

Aug 13, 1822 AUC

Two conquests on the same day! Az Zarqa and Kurdistan. Have begun Royal Post and Forestry, respectively. Moving to Al Habbariyah and Oromieh. I feel like I'm running in circles. Also, I have chosen to raise my one-year old daughter Anna personally. She has been sent to Mesopotamia to learn valuable lessons in language (provided free of charge by the troops), as well as the correct methods involved in dealing with heathens.

Aug 16, 1822 AUC

Ioannes Doukas is beginning to vex me greatly.

Sep 15, 1822 AUC

Al Habbariyah taken. Royal Post. Have realised that the two provinces seized by Anonymous have no land or sea connection to the capital. Ordered Anon to take Al Nadjaf, Al Nasiryah and Karbala in order to fix this problem.

Nov 2, 1822 AUC

Oromieh. Forestry. Gilan.

Nov 16, 1822 AUC

Anon has taken Karbala. Royal Post. He is moving to Al Nadjaf.

Nov 20, 1822 AUC

The first Royal Post I ever ordered (in Al Jazira) has been finished. I'm so happy. Courts of Justice are to follow the Royal Posts.

Dec 26, 1822 AUC

Tile-factories completed in Thessalonike and Thrake. Forestries begun in both of them.

Jan 5, 1823 AUC

I gave Chandrenos permission to leave the court today. She was always somewhat discontented after losing the title of Logothete tis Dimioyrgias ton Fraseon gia na Perigrapsei to Patriarhiko Keno. I, however, was discontented every time I had to write it.

Jan 10, 1823 AUC

Anon has taken Al Nadjaf. Royal Post. He's now moving to Al Nasiryah to finish this thing. Royal Post completed in Al Bichri. Begun the standard Court of Justice.

Jan 13, 1823 AUC

Gilan has been conquered. Have ordered all my vassals and their troops to return home. I and my personal armies will remain behind to conquer the minor Mohammedan states along the Imperial borders and further young Anna's education.

Jan 15, 1823 AUC

Now, who among the Prinkepses of the Basilea is stupid enough to complain about my use of his troops after starting the march home? That's right, Ioannes Doukas is!

Jan 18, 1823 AUC

Sawmill now operating in Nisibin. Begun a Royal Post.

Feb 12, 1823 AUC

Al Nasiryah taken. Royal Post.

Feb 23, 1823 AUC

A beautiful young woman made strong advances toward me today. I sent her away. Was too suspicious about who had sent her.

Feb 24, 1823 AUC

The War is over! Hallelujah! I gave Tutush Seljuk 1 gold coin for peace. The 1 gold piece payment was an utterly brilliant insult conceived by the Logothete tou Dromou Palaiotes. I really need to reward that man.

Before:


After:


Knytling:

[JimboIX]

It would appear the Emperor declared "Let there be Royal posts" in every province. And he meant it.

[Llywelyn]

Knytling:

I love how every AAR now has an obligatory Knytling post. Next, anon'll get the Habsburgs added in, and slowly it will spread until the only person we're not curious about is poor unloved William the Bastard.

j.