Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World!*
An AAR of the USA
*Unless, of course, you are a slave. In which case you do not rock the free world but rather three fifths of it, if that is indeed possible.
So what on God’s green earth is this?
Use that expression once more and I’m calling the ACLU on you.
Er.... can you answer my question?
Do go on.
Yes, or this whole dialog segment is a large non sequitur.
I beg your pardon?
See, that was a non sequitur. This is Shy Kid’s new AAR.
Who on G- er, who in the world is Shy Kid?
*Puts down telephone* The poster formerly known as the_shy_kid, brought to obscurity by The Crusader Mafia.
So what’s the game?
Ahhh.... *Scratches back of head* EU2 1.09, in theory. In practice, I’ll have to find the CD first.
You do that, then.
Once you deal with that, and get out of this snarky irreverent self-involved metaphorical construct, what will the AAR be about and stuff?
Don’t go all anonymous4401 on me now.
See, now you’re doing it.
Anyway, the AAR will concern the United States, from 1773 to 1819. Vanilla except for some modifications to native city populations. They will all become colonies, to more accurately reflect the quasi-genocidal way in which they were settled, and to make it a bit easier since the U.S. doesn’t get any missionaries.
What are you waiting for then?
Now what did I say about the CD?
If you want to start somewhere, blame the French and Indians. These of course were the parties in what Britain’s American colonies called the French and Indian War, known everywhere else as the Friedrich II - Maria Theresa Pan-Silesian Grudge Match. Just as a good government should, the colonists’ British overlords took actions to protect their territory, then used the events as an excuse to hose the inhabitants of the territories out of every last penny.
Greater taxation began in 1760, coinciding with greater enforcement of the Navigation Acts, which sought to restrict trade according to British mercantilist ideas, using what would in a later era be called “open-ended search warrants” but would at this point be called “good police work.” James Otis argued that the warrants violated American colonists’ constitutional rights. The British pointed out, quite rightly, that they didn’t have any.
Next act of oppression was King George III’s vetoing of the Two-Penny Act, which placed an upper limit on clerical salaries, previously tied to the price of tobacco. A lawyer named Patrick Henry argued, “that a King, by disallowing Acts of this salutary nature, from being the father of his people, degenerated into a Tyrant and forfeits all right to his subjects' obedience." Whether Henry said this with a straight face is lost to history.
In 1764, the Sugar Act and Currency Act were passed by the British parliament, imposing more taxes on the colonies, without the colonists’ consent. This helped coin the term “no taxation without representation,” which was what passed for a catchy slogan in those days. It also began the process of unification, as the colonists began coordinating their anti-taxation efforts.
In the next year, the Stamp Act was passed by Parliament. This required the purchase of a tax stamp for basically anything that anyone would ever read. This upset the newspapermen, something generally to be avoided, and the lawyers, who must not be crossed in any circumstance. The general populace followed and the result was a wellspring of popular opinion reminiscient on many levels of a soccer riot, complete with effigy deaths. In response to the near unenforceability of the taxes, Parliament thusly repealed them, though more in response to boycotted British merchants than colonist popular opinion.
However, in a sort of curt “screw you” to the American merchants and lawyers who led opposition to the Stamp Act, Parliament struck back in 1767 with the Townshend Acts, which taxed more things than a Massachusetts Democrat, including all imports of glass, paint, lead, paper, and tea. Naturally this drew even greater furor, with similar amounts of boycotting and a massive rise in smuggling. As a result, John Hancock’s ship, suspected of smuggling, was seized. The rioting this caused was enough for British customs officials to declare Boston to be in a state of insurrection. Proving that there is no situation that cannot be improved by Redcoats, British soldiers occupied the town. As a fashion statement, the color red was out, and would be until the Red Sox won the World Series. Like the Stamp Act, the Townshend Acts were by and large repealed, in 1770. However, out of what was presumably pure spite, the British continued to impose a tax on tea. The consequences of that were.... large.
To be continued.
Preview, Chapter One: