Desert Fox- the miffed story of Rommel

Alexus said:

One day you should finish an AAR...

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Yeah, I meant to update the other one one day, but I got kicked off. Just wait a sec. you'll see it

Update 1- the meeting

Rommel ventured into the Riechstag to see Hitler. He had been summoned unexpectedly by him and was nervous. Just the other day he had been caught shoving sticks of fragile dynamite into the toilet paper rolls, and he hoped Hitler hadn't used one of them.

Rommel: *knocks on door* Hello?

Hitler: Who ist it?

Rommel: It's me, Rommel.

Hitler: Oh, come on in.

Rommel entered, and noticed all the nice drapes. On the wall were pictures of famous German Hero's.

Rommel: Sir, you needed to see me?

Hitler: Oh yes, well, you can trust me, right?

Rommel: Why yes, sir, I can. Who did you kill?

Hitler: No no, I didn't kill anyone, but I'm planning to. I just need you to know everything I'm doing, and be prepared for...

Rommel:...for what?

Hitler: The war.

Rommel: What war?

Hitler: I'm planning on starting a war Rommel. And I need you to command the panzer division you have and secure vast amounts of the enemies land.

Rommel: Right now?

Hitler: No, not yet. First, we need to get Austria to accept joining us, becoming a greater part of Germany. I want you to deliver the letter.

Rommel: Okay, sounds easy. Where is it?

Hitler: Austria is south of Germany, and Vienna is where we buy our sausages.

Rommel: No, I meant the letter.

Hitler: Woopsy, here it is. (hands Rommel a letter)

Rommel: Well sir, I'm off. SIG HIEL!

Hitler: Yeah yeah, high five. *slaps rommel's hand*
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Rommel drove up to a big building in downtown Vienna. He walked up the steps, and entered. Inside was what you would usually find in a hotel:
There were little kids screaming, running around, and ripping the priceless curtains and blasting the Vase's. Then there was a desk clerk, staring into empty space, but in the general direction of the door. Rommel walked towards the clerk.

Clerk: Welcome to Vienna capitol building, how may I help you?

Rommel: I am looking for your prime minister.

Clerk: He's on the second floor, room number 13. Do you want a free gift certificate to visit Von Voomberg's Vienna sausage factory?

Rommel: I'll take 3.

Clerk: Okay, have a nice day, and watch your step on the 11th stair.

Rommel walked up the stairs, and on the 11th step, fell. He never was good at taking commoner's advice. He walked to the 13th door of the second floor, and knocked.

Vienna minister: Who is it?

Rommel: You have a letter from Germany.

Vienna minister: Come on in, then.

Rommel walked in, and was instantly greeted by people with trays carrying sausages. Rommel ignored them, but they kept thrusting the sausage in his face.

Vienna minister: What does Hitler want now? *opens letter* *gasp* He wants me to WHAT!?

Rommel: He wants you to become a German area. That is, become annexed.

Vienna minister: And if I refuse?

Rommel: We will stop sending you the cows to make sausages.

Vienna minister: *gasp* You bastards! I guess I have no choice. I accept.

Rommel: Good, good. Now, just push the area on the paper that says you accept.

The minister pushed the button, and instantly felt like a German. He spoke German, and he acted German, saluting the Hitler salut, and recieving a high five.

Rommel on phone: Hitler, phase one is complete.

Hitler: Good...very good...come back immediately, I have more work for you.

UPDATE 2- attack of the Czechs

Hitler: Now, your next assignment is to get the Czechs to cede land to us. Preferably, just the Sudetenland.

Rommel: What the hell's a sudetenland?

Hitler: Just a fancy name I picked to label the land outside of Czechoslovakia. I only want the borders, the ones with the forts, for now.

Rommel: Yes sir.
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Rommel walked to the Czech capitol building, and walked inside. If he didn't know any better, he'd say he was still in Austria.

Clerk: Hello, welcome to Vien- I mean, Prague. What do you want?

Rommel: Take me to your leader.

Clerk: second floor, room 14. Would you like some fries with that?

Rommel: Sure.

Rommel walked up the stairs, and dammitall, tripped on the same 11th step! But no matter, he had more important matters at hand.

Rommel: *knocks the door* Hello? I need to see you minister.

Minister: Come in.

Rommel walked in, and sat down on a wooden chair.

Minister: So, what would you like to talk about?

Rommel: Well, Hitler was wondering if he could get the outside border provinces, the ones with the fancy forts.

Minister: Um...no.

Rommel: Pleeease?

Minister: No. Now, be gone.

So, the minister said "screw you" in the munich agreement.

Hitler: WHAT!? THAT'S BULLS**T!!

Rommel: I'm sorry mien furher.

Hitler: No matter, we will get Czechoslovakia. We WILL.

Then, a chain of events occured:

1) Germany went with "Take what they shall not give" in the Munich agreement.

2) France went with "pressure Germany" in the Munich agreement.

3) Germany went with "bring it, assholes" in the Munich agreement.

4) Britain declared war.

Rommel: F**K!

Update 3- how I beat up a frog

Hitler: Okay, okay...um, help! *panics*

Rommel: Sir, sir!! Calm down! Just tell your military to attack.

Hitler: How!? There's a giant fortress along the French border, and only an idiot would try to cross it!

Near the magnoit line....

Von Rudstet: Men, we are going to attack France through their fancy "magnet line". I won't lie to you though, it will be difficult. In fact, we will all probably die. But in any case, be brave. Let's go kick some frog-ass!

All the men charged up the hill, yelling a maniacal fascist yell. However, most got mowed down by the countless machineguns, and others were blasted away by the artillery. Those who survived the climb, however, were shot up by riflemen in trenches. The only one alive was Von Rudstet, who quickly ran away.

Rommel: Then, we should attack through Belgium! It would be a lot easier. After all, it is belgium.

Hitler: Well, you have a point there. Very well, tell Belgium I declared war.

Rommel: Yessir.
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Near the Belgian border, Rommel was giving a pre-battle speech to his men.

Rommel: Gentlemen, we are going to make those British tea-drinking monkeys and those French whine drinking losers pay! However, Belgium, we have nothing against, other than the fact they border France, and have no resistance what-so-ever. Now, START YOUR ENGINES!!!

All the panzers came to life at the sound of a loud VROOM!, and began to race towards the Belgian lines.

Belgian man: They are coming, prepare the missles!
Belgian man 2: Yessir!

the 2nd belgian man wrote "missle launcher" on a cardboard box...

Rommel: What the? They're using cardboard boxes! This should be easy! FULL CHARGE!!!

BOOM! a tank explodes

Rommel: What was that?!
Troop: Belgian missles!
Rommel: ? THEY'RE USING CARDBOARD!!!!!
Troop: INCOMING!!

BOOM! another tank explodes.

Rommel: Order the artillery to fire at the boxes!

BOOM BOOM BOOM! This time, the Belgians recieve a few losses. This goes on for a while, in a dramatic battle. Artillery, tracers, cardboard, and waffles fly through the air, until all Belgians are defeated.

Rommel: This will be one hell of a battle...

Alexus said:

You stole from Anonymous!

Click to expand...

The Belgian part?

Alexus said:

Yeah, that's right.

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You want me to change it?

Alexus said:

I want to see Anonymous' reaction, that's what I want to see.

Click to expand...

I've used it before, and he seemed un-caring. Well, in any case, the Belgian war is over...for now.

Update 4- French Frogs fight futily

Rommel: We have cleared Belgium, begining FallGelb

Hitler: I thought it was FallGrun?

Rommel: I don't know. See you in Paris. Over.

Rommel's troops had made it to the border of France, and was attacking in Calais. There were 12 divisions, and Rommel was fighting under the coordination of Field Marshall Von Bloomberg. The plan was to attack in full-front with the infantry, and then Rommel's Panzer's would attack from the sides.

Rommel: Is everything set?

Von Bloomberg: Yes, the infantry have begun their assault. Begin your attack.

Rommel: Yessir.

Rommel's tanks moved to attack the French, and they found tiny frogs, eating cheese. Confused, a tanker walked to one of them...but, the frog pulled out a knife, and cut up the tanker.

Rommel: SHOOT ALL FROGS!!

The tanks blasted away all the frogs, with tiny green particles filling the air.

Rommel: This is worse than Belgium! Men, keep a lookout for treefrogs!

In the forest, rommel's tanks were moving through, when out of the trees, comes a frog with dynamite strapped to his back. with a loud BOOM! the tank explodes into a fireball.

Rommel: SHOOT THE TREES!!! SHOOT EVERYTHING!!!

All the tankers shot up everything, and then turned on eachother. They killed their own fellow soldiers.

Rommel: NO!!! NO!!! DON"T KILL THE OTHER TANKS!! SHOOT THE FROGS!!! ARGH!!

Turning red, rommel collapsed.

Waking up from a dazed state, Rommel saw a lot of concrete. He appeared to be in a jail cell. On one of the walls was a picture of the eiffel tower, with a french fry seller on the bottom, giving some to local pond frogs. Rommel realised that, while he was knocked out, he was taken to a jail (among other bad things that cannot be mentioned in this forum ). He looked outside the jailcell bars, and saw other Germans, along with some Italians carrying battleaxes, funny mustache's, and among other things, a pizza-shield.

Rommel: Hey, what happened?

Soldier: We lost. The French took us into this prison, and they've been giving us some fries. Without salt or ketchup!

Rommel: *gasp* the horror! We need to leave! Any weaknesses?

soldier: Well, other than the floor being made out of dirt, I can't find any weaknesses.

Rommel: Well, dig!

soldier: With what?

Rommel: Stale fries!

And everyone started to dig, with some meeting a horrendus fate in a hole that was dug for the outhouses. Everyone else made it to the forest, where they began to head east, hopefully to meet other Germans.

After getting his bearings, Rommel figured he was in Marseilles. He went south, and, with no resistance whatsoever, made a raft and sailed to Rome. He met some french battleships on the way, but they couldn't aim their guns low enough, and ended up sinking eachother. Finally, Rommel made it to Rome...

He walked towards a pizzeria, and inside were many, many people with mustaches. He walked out, gasping for air, repeating "the mustaches'...oh, the mustaches'."

He found his way back to Germany, flying on an Italian plane. He went to the Riechstag, and found Hitler.

Rommel: HITLER!!

Hitler: Oh, hey Rommel. Wazzup?

Rommel: I just went through a prison, and Italy!-*hitler gasped*- to make it back here!

Hitler: That sounds horrible!!

Rommel: The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on tank insurance by switching to Geico.

announcer: Geico, 15 minutes can save 15% or more on your tank insurance. Now covering armored cars.

Hitler: While you were gone, we managed to get the Vichy French to take hold of the south. After getting rid of some Allied soldiers still in France, we secured the country, and live better lives. The end.

Rommel: That sounds...good. What about Africka?

Hitler: Well, that's where the Italians need to be neutered. I mean helped! I'm sending you to go and help them.

Rommel: You really think I can get them to win again?

Hitler: *starts laughing* What do you mean, "again"? :rofl:

Rommel: Jaja, I meant get them to win. FINALLY.

Hitler: *recovers* Ja, okay. Go over to Venice, where you and your tank corps will be sent to afrika.

Rommel: What do you mean? My tank corps was destroyed.

Hitler: No, they were just renamed, and given new tanks. They are using the experimental Tiger, along with Pzkfw IV's. Good luck.

Rommel: Yessir.