All your COTs are belong to us: an English AAR

cheers TheSynergy! welcome aboard!


*****



Basically, the demon of greed, Mammon, was banned from hell. He tried to steal Lucifer’s crown, and was caught. Lucifer threw him out through one of the Seven Gates, the place humans call “Stonehenge”.

Cursed to wander the Earth for 400 years, Mammon was forced to take the appearance of a human. He had 400 years to become the richest man ever, or face eternity in Purgatory, together with the souls of pets and unbaptised children.

Well, he was immortal. And he was not alone. There were others like him. Some good, some evil. Now is the time of the Gathering, when the stroke of a sword will release the power of the Quickening. In the end, there could be only… whoops, wrong story. Forget this. Except the first thing. He WAS immortal. He was a demon, after all. A lousy one, though… I mean, how stupid can you be to try to steal from Lucifer?

But I digest. The point is, he had to get some riches. And fast. As he lay naked in the middle of the Stonehenge, he heard some voices nearby.

Mammon: “You there, peasant, take me to your leader, puny one!”

Peasant 1: “Leader? Oh, you mean the Duke? And you look kinda puny too”

Peasant 2: “Hahaha!”

Mammon(angry): “It’s cold, dammit! Do you know how hot it is in Hell this time of year? Here, find out for yourselves!”

He touches the peasants, who disappear. A few seconds later, the ground opens and the two peasants pop out again.

Voice of Lucifer, from under ground: “Maaaaaammoooooon! We’re full! Do you have any idea how busy this Hundred Years War is keeping me?”

Mammon: “Whatever then. Go to Heaven. See if I care!”

The peasants disappear again.

Talkingdonkey: yes, it begins... first COT? hmm, i dont know, havent started playing yet.

EvilSanta: Isnt it obvious?: The guy in the last pic of the first post (Mammon, the demon of greed) is bent on world COT domination. :rofl:

Jacko the Panda: hmm, or NOT!

Snake IV: Irkutsk? That sounds conquerable.

stnylan: Oh, this is only the beginning of what will become a complex relation between Mammon and his former master.

Duke of Wellington: Heck, without Mammon, this would be a typical "go here, conquer there, build manu there" game.

The Real Deal: well, thought i'd make it funny for once. Hope i can keep it up. Jokes may be lame, but i expect comments after every update!

TheSynergy: retreat? RETREAT? hmm.. maybe, dont know yet if i should be hyperteching or not from the start.


The game is an English GC, settings: very hard/coward, using vanilla map and AGCEEP 1.41


cheers all!

Royal Archives, London, January 1st 1419



Clerk: “Who are you? How did you get in here?”

Mammon looks behind to the empty room: “It’s ok, he is with me… Who are you?”

Clerk: “Who is with you? And who are you?”

Mammon snaps his fingers and a small dragon appears.

Mammon: “Sorry, but you see, I just can’t have him walking around all visible like that. Besides, I love it when you saps just walk into him…”

Clerk: “Please don’t hurt me. Please.”

Mammon looks at the dragon and shouts: “Heel boy! HEEL!” then turns to the clerk: “Little fella just cant control his temper… Seems I’ll be asking the questions around here. Oooh, what’s that?”

Clerk: “T-t-that’s the map of England… you know, our realm…”



Mammon: “I knew that. Tell me, got any money around?”

Clerk, scared: “Money? Is this a robbery? I don’t have any money… The money is at the treasury. I have only control over the archives.”

Mammon: “The what now?”

Clerk: “See, this is the tolerance slider. And this is the budget. Here are the army payrolls, and the navy’s.”



Mammon notices an abacus in the corner of the room: “Pretty. What does this button do?”



Clerk: “You just made England become a more innovative country! You know what this means, genius? You just… oh my god, WHAT’S THIS???”

Mammon: “Oh, I’m sorry, Fluffy isn’t housebroken yet…”

Clerk: “Dear Lord, it’s melting the chair! Do something!”

Mammon waves finger in the air, looking slightly angry: “Bad dragon! How many times do I have to tell you? Outside good! Inside bad! Don’t make me rub your nose in it!”

The door slams against the wall and puppy whines become heard throughout the castle.

stnylan said:

Fluffy just seems so ... appropriate

Click to expand...

I'm glad you like him!

Duke of Wellington said:

Great update I hope Mammon will learn a bit more about things before shifting the next DP slider.

Click to expand...

Something tells me he will have a lot of problems in... whatever hes going to do...

The Real Deal said:

Expect! a comment after every update! - Yes sir, three bags full sir!

I feel Mammon may return to kick kis master off his stool by the end of all this.

Click to expand...

Well, Mammon is... how can i put this... not the brightest demon there is. I don't think he can plan something like this...

Royal Treasury, London.

Mammon makes his entrance, accompanied by the invisible Fluffy.

Mammon: “So, it is here you keep the money?”

Treasurer: “Sure, my lord, may I help you?”

Mammon: “You bet you can! Give me all your money! Now!”

Treasurer: “Well you see, sir, that would be pretty difficult. First of all, only the King disposes of the Treasury, and second of all, there is no more money here.”

Mammon: “What? Are you broke?”

Treasurer: “No, but I am afraid we spent our 75 ducats on promoting a tax collector in Midlands and recruiting a cavalry unit in Calais.”

Mammon sits down, visibly overwhelmed by all this information.

Mammon: “A king, you say?”

Treasurer: “You know, the guy in the big castle, with the crown and everything.”

Mammon: “Lucifer is here?”

Treasurer(to himself): “Why are the pretty ones always so stupid?”

(out loud): “Here you go. See this? Go here!” and hands him a “Map of the nobles’ homes”

Mammon jumps up, overexcited: “Come Fluffy! Time to get some money! Fluffy? Fluffy where are you?”

Treasurer: “Oh my God! The receipts! They’re disappearing! What’s happening?”

Mammon: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t feed him today. You know, the thing with dragons is they have to 'go' right after they eat, so I thought he wouldn’t embarrass me here…” and pokes the clerk with the elbow “Know what I mean?”

Treasurer: “Good God! What’s this hole in the floor?”

Mammon: “Ummm, nice meeting you. Send my regards to the wife and kids!” and leaves the room whispering: “Fluffy, that’s it! I warned you! Bad dragon!”


Royal Castle, London.



Mammon enters the king’s chamber, followed by a big floating diaper.

King Henry: “Who are you? How did you get past my guards?”

Mammon: “Well, having an incontinent pet dragon sometimes has its benefits I must say.” and opens the door to show two soldiers trying in vain to get out of a hole.

Henry: “Ah, you speak words of unimaginable stupidity! Are you a French spy sent here to kill me?”

Mammon: “Listen, man, all I want is your money. I understand you are the king, right?”

Henry(proudly): “I am Henry the fifth, King of England!”

Mammon(bowing head in despair): “There are five of you? Awww, I am sooo sick of walking. I can’t wait for you to grow, Fluffy so that you can fly me around.”

Henry: “No, I am the one and only rightful king. And what is your name?”

Mammon tried to think of an English name… Unfortunately he only heard one…

Mammon: “I am Henry the fifth, King of England”

Henry: “No you’re not! He is a blonde man, about my height! I know him!”

Mammon, embarrassed: “Umm, I am… ummm… I am Apollo, the Sun god, and I bring life-giving heat and light to Earth.”

Apollo appears: “No, you're not! I am! And you know nothing of my work!” and disappears again.

Mammon: “Ok, listen, I hear you are in a war, right?”

Henry: “Yes, for 80 years we have been fighting those French dogs!”

Mammon: “I can help you win the war. I have powers beyond your human imagination! I can destroy entire armies!”

Henry: “Ok then, I guess… You can be my councilor. Report here tomorrow morning. And you will have your money. Oh, meanwhile, you might want to do something about that diaper, it seems like it’s going to explode.”

Mammon: “FLUFFY! OUTSIDE! NOOOOOW!”