The fields of Picardie
1436
The Burgundain colonels are marching through the morning mist. The well disciplined and thrilled men have been prepared to fight this battle for a week now. They are marching towards the area where the English have their position, with only one thing in mind.
Burgundian soldier: This trip is so boring. Aren’t we there yet?
Jean de Pressy: No
The General of the Army, Jean de Pressy, has bet his last head on that this battle will be successful. Giving a success, the English army would be cut in half and eliminated, making it possible for Burgundy to take control over England’s French lands, which they care for so much [1]. If the battle would be lost, the effects would be devastating. Well, Burgundy wouldn’t be devastated, they would still have a bigger army then England, and a bigger possibility to bring up new men, but Jean de Pressy is quite fond of this particular head. Jean de Pressy’s plan is to attack the Brittish just before sunrise, and before they would have any change to organize themselves. This because Jean de Pressy knows that the English is awake when the sun is high, and not the opposite [2]. The army stops just without hearing distance of the English, and Jean de Pressy makes a short speech.
Jean de Pressy: Brave soldiers. Never before in history has someone as sinful as me, succeeded with something as hard as this, in such a silly outfit as a Super Mario costume. If this works, the credibility of god will be so severely damaged that he will not be able to get a loan anymore. This will make it impossible for him to make investments, such like in a new house, car, or crusade. This in turn would lead to the Turks taking over in the Mediterranean, weakening the trading states in northern Italy, reducing their trade, and might if we’re lucky transfer some of the trade to our trade centre in the lowlands, making us richer, and thus increasing our possibilities to hire machineries to win the war with England. So forward brave soldiers, and stab all those sleeping English to death with your pointy sticks.
Away at the English camp, an ordinary English solder [3] had risen early to make scones for the eight o’clock tea. While tasting the dough he suddenly heard something. A local farmer was out on the fields to check his cows.
Solder Vladimir, pointing and screaming: French!
French farmer: Vere, vere? Zee cowz mustn’t be scaered.
The scream and the silly talk hadn’t died out until the English men were already awake, charging on the back of their horses. [4]
French farmer: Oh, noe. Ze coffee sump waz riyt.
The change of the face on Jean de Pressy would resemble the one of a kid finding out that the really big gift he got really only contained some socks that didn’t look anything alike when he saw the English coming against him. This because he just now remembered that he had left the iron on back home.
Random advisor: Sir, we must change or plans quickly. The English are attacking.
Jean de Pressy: No worry. I have brought a plan B. * Takes up an envelope that says plan B form his pocket and opens it* “Use the tactics that Hannibal used at Cannae. Put the best soldiers at the flanks, attack in the middle, then retreat slowly in the middle until the flanks can break through their flanks and surround them easily.”
Random advisor: Sounds like a plan.
Jean de Pressy: Of course. See, it says plan on the envelope. Anyway, order the centre to attack. The English will soon meet our lines.
A sudden load scream: AAAH! Look! Hostile armed men, and they are attacking. Run to the hills. Don’t forget your horses. Women and English first!
Jean de Pressy: They didn’t see us until now? What is this?
Random advisor: Apparently. Look, now their centre dissolve.
It didn’t take many overran French farmers along the road for the English to realize though that they didn’t know the way home, and that it would be worse getting lost in France than dying fighting Burgundy. The men went back, and started to refill the empty spaces in the line. Some dropped in one by one from random directions because of detours they took when they saw a Frenchman, and did slowly but steadily surround the Burgundians. In the heat of the battle, with the sound of arrows penetrating flesh, swords meeting each other, English cavalry riding, cannon loudly roaring [5] and people screaming in pain or about their haircut being destroyed, it was soon clear for Jean de Pressy that the battle was lost, dead, buried in a cemetery, dug up again and sold as fertilizer for dandelions. This was not true, but he didn’t know that.
Random advisor: Sir, shouldn’t you do something?
Jean de Pressy: What is there to do, we’re lost, LOST. *sob*…. Unless. Random advisor, hand me plan C.
Random advisor: Sir, you have all such things.
Jean de Pressy: Oh. *Picks up an envelope with the text plan C on it form his pocket.* Ok, let’s see.
…
…
Hey, this is a blueprint. Is this some kind of joke?
Random advisor: No. This is the blueprint of building C of the castle the grand duke plans to build in Paris, so therefore, plan C.
Jean de Pressy: Well, there is nothing else to do than to start building it, right here.
Random advisor: Sir, might I suggest that we make a break for it instead?
Jean de Pressy: Yes! Ok, now. Start digging. That is were their front is weakest.
Random advisor: But…
Jean de Pressy: No buts. Start digging. I’ll make the first… O, look a berry.
Jean de Pressy picks up the berry from the ground and eats it. Unfortunately he chokes it and dies.
Burgundian soldier: Look, the general has lied himself dead on the ground. We better do the same.
The English wins the battle and go back to the camp to celebrate.
English corporal: Men. This is a great victory. First we should tell about this battle to the general of this army, and then I believe this call for scones!
Vladimir: I’m sorry, but there won’t be any scones.
English corporal: But didn’t you make scones for the eight o’clock tea?
Vladimir: Yeah, but it’s a quarter to nine already, so I had to throw them away. A shame, they looked really nice.
I'd like to apologise for not refering to France as Happyland. The thing is, my letter, the one that coems after D in the alphabet, doesn't work on the keyboard, so i had to use another name.
[1]Burgundy that is
[2]The opposite would be the English being awake when the sun is not high, and not the sun being awake when the English is high.
[3]Lets call him something really English, say, Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov
[4]Yes, they had dressed.
[5]Which was pretty odd considering that none of the sides had any cannons.
