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Thread: Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales)

  1. #1
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales)

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    Begun March 2nd, 2006
    Completed August 13th, 2008


    Winner of the 2008 CrusadAAR's Chalice

    AARland Choice Awards

    Favorite Comedy AAR, CK for 2006 (Q1, Q2, Q3, Q4), 2007 (Q1, Q2, Q4) and 2008 (Q2, Q3)
    Favorite AAR, CK for 2006 (Q3, Q4) and 2007 (Q2, Q4)
    Favorite Gameplay AAR, CK for 2006 (Q4) and 2008 (Q2)
    Favorite Character, Overall for 2006 (Q1) (Valdemar Knýtling)

    WritAAR of the Week - June 25th, 2006
    Weekly AAR Showcase - July 30th, 2006
    The story so far. . .

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud
    The Machiavellian Adventures of Count Valdemar
    The Metrosexual Adventures of Duke Knud
    The Manipulative Adventures of Duchess Marguerite
    A Gathering of Ghosts and Memories
    The Morose Adventures of King Bjřrn
    The Musical Adventures of King Knud
    The Momentary Adventures of King Erik
    The Molimenic Adventures of King Niels
    The Moxie of King Rolf
    The Mortificated Adventures of King Niels
    The Malapropos Adventures of Duke Magnus
    A Gathering of Ghosts and Memories II
    The Myriadigamous Adventures of Prince Knud
    The Mad Lib Adventures of King Tyke
    The Mortal Enemy King Bretislav
    The Musal Adventures of King Sambor
    The Maidenly Adventures of Queen Judith
    The Mimicking Adventures of King George
    The Miscast Adventures of King Stephen
    A Gathering of Ghosts and Memories III


    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)


    1067 - 1068



    I'm Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark. I drew this myself.




    Uta the Hun. My daddy searched all of Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Germany for this woman. I think she wants to encase me in carbonite. Her heraldry makes me want to separate her church and state.




    Halland earns two ducats a month. For thirty-four, I'd marry a horse.

    Handy, that.




    It was a year and a half before she caught me.

    Even lazy and sick, Knud can run fast when his wife is naked.




    I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself.




    Cute little bugger. He's so special. I'll name him Torben.

    There, I've done my husbandly duty and, thankfully, a miracle-worker offered to cure me.

    I need to get out of Halland before she catches me again.




    Killing some pagans will do the trick. I'll conquer Rugen, and anywhere else Uta isn't.




    The plan was simple.



    I hope my wife dies in a ice-fishing accident.

    Nothing like cheating on my wife to show her who's boss.

    Knud Knýtling, you're a genius.



    I hate myself.



    Is Torben a bastard? Did Knud sleep with his wife in vain? Will he conquer Rugan? Will Uta corner Knud again? All will be revealed next episode as we witness the final fate of Uta and the adventures of Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark, continue!
    Last edited by phargle; 13-04-2009 at 19:40.

  2. #2
    The Closer Supermoderator Veldmaarschalk's Avatar
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    Nice and original. I like it so far

  3. #3
    Annoying Latvian binTravkin's Avatar
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    Halland earns two ducats a month. For thirty-four, I'd marry a horse.

    It was a year and a half before she caught me.
    Even lazy and sick, Knud can run fast when his wife is naked.
    I need to get out of Halland before she catches me again.
    And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

  4. #4
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    In the clutches of Uta.

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)


    1068 - 1071



    I am Knud's sense of burning shame.

    It's a good thing I have lots of prestige or this would really suck.

    Oh.




    Chaste? Knud Knýtling wins again!

    Except I'm still married to a fat, reckless, lying, German cow of a star-spangled wildebeast whore.

    Yeah. I win.

    Someone kill me.




    The war against the pagans goes poorly on account of me not getting killed.




    It's a good thing I have lots of gold or this would really suck.

    Oh.

    And the king made peace with Rügen. I have to sail for Mecklemburg itself if I'm to get any land. Thanks a lot, dad.




    The plan was simple.

    Wait! That's not a longship, that's my wife! Save me! Quick, someone save mrrfff!

    It's too late. Send for the miracle-worker. Again.

    The king made peace with Mecklemburg. Thanks a lot, dad.

    It's a good thing I have lots of land or this would really suck.

    Oh.




    I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself.




    I am Knud's constant reminder of pain.




    Cute little bugger. I hope he's not a bastard. I hope my wife doesn't overpower me again. Maybe I could come up with another excuse to leave Halland.




    I could be the noble warrior fleeing to someone else's court. Wait! I think I have a better idea. What about . . .




    I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself.



    Has Knud finally tasted victory? Or is Sigfred also a bastard? Does Knud have a shot at the throne? Will he ever get any more land? Tune in next time as we hear Knud say, "I save my sons through emasculation," and the adventures of Knud Knýtling continue!
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:36.

  5. #5
    Field Marshal CSK's Avatar
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    Brilliant, just brilliant. One of the best things I've read this weak. Especially the "I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself." is great. And he trying to flee from his wife. And and and... can't go on or I quote the whole AAR!

  6. #6
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Kuh-nood Kuh-night-ling.

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

    1071 - 1073



    This is my dad. Even though I'm his second son, I am last to inherit. Thanks a lot, dad.




    My father is up to ten kids and they will probably pass me when they get titles. I also might be a bastard. Along with all of my children.




    I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself.




    My dad's a nutter who takes away this guy's dukedom at least four times a year.




    He always gives it back two days later. I do not know why he does this.




    The rest of the world is kind of crazy right now. But I don't care. . .




    . . .because my fat, old wife got sent to a nunnery and I get to marry this German princess.

    My dad found her because there was nobody in Denmark, Norway, or Sweden for me to marry.

    I assure you that she only looks like she's crying all the time.




    I'm pretty sure this one is mine. For some reason, my family can't father bastard girls.




    Halland has broken even thanks to me getting married. Knud Knýtling, you're a genius!




    A girl's name will save little Helge from ever having to get married.



    Can it be that all is quiet and well in Knud's life? Will his marriage to Gisele be happy or will she always look like she's crying? Will a girl's name save Helge? And what will Knud do with all of his problems? You'll never believe the stunning tale of bastards, crusades and extra-marital sex in the next installment of the adventures of Knud Knýtling!
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:37.

  7. #7
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    Very nice! I love your humor
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    This will be the first CK AAR I follows.
    Snake IV used to be a regular, but not anymore. You might, however, come across him at rare occasions, but that is so seldom you'll manage.

  9. #9
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Knud sends all his problems to church.

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

    1073 - 1075



    I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself.




    A future church-goer. Sigfred had better play nicely with Sigtryg.




    I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself.

    I'd be modest too if I were a boy named Helge.




    Poor little bastard. So many things that can go wrong in his life.




    Sure enough, they all do. Life will apparently be better if he survives. Maybe. But it's getting worse. This constitutes a problem.

    What to do with the problem named Valdemar. . .




    (It's a policy that works.)




    Hmm. After all this time, I wonder what the church thinks of me.




    Apparently, they think I should crusade. With 51 ducats in my pocket, I'm not going on any adventures anytime soon.

    I don't even know where Antiocheia is.




    Clearly, neither does the king. Thanks a lot, dad.

    The last time I went off to war against pagans, I sired bastards.




    Two days on the trail and this happens. I haven't even left Halland yet. I guess I'll name him Torben like the others.



    How many more children can Knud send off to church? How are things at the bishopric? What will Knud do with those 51 ducats? Will he have any more bastards? Come back next time when one of Knud's children wonders if God exists and Knud answers him as the adventures of Knud Knýtling continue!
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:38.

  10. #10
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Thank you for all the comments. Some AARs frown on too many comments because they clutter things up - this isn't one of them, so comment away. It keeps me happy, reminds me that people are reading, and inspires me to keep posting. You can also let me know what you like or don't like, or what direction you think the story should take. Consider yourselves unofficial courtiers in the court of Knud! Although I've got nine more updates completed (up to 1091), I'll happily take guidance from the crowd after that.

    I'm also sorry to anyone with low bandwidth. My idea was for a picture-heavy, rather whimsical AAR based on a humorous character with a funny name. Pictures means 56k might be unpleasant, although I've tried to keep the files small.

    Anyway, that last update was one for the road. I'm done for the day. I hope you've all enjoyed the story of Denmark's greatest prince so far and will be back tomorrow to read more.

  11. #11
    Your Industrial Friend Byakhiam's Avatar

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    I love it. Though to be fair, the "I send all my problems to church. Because I hate God. And myself." thing gets a bit repetitive.
    Engages Duracell-Rabbit Mode every Saturday

    Double post? Edit and Delete!

  12. #12
    Untrustworthy poo EvilSanta's Avatar
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    Very nice aar,brilliant ideas you have there.
    Was würde Brian Boitano tun?

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    Brilliant ideas, excellent sense of humour.

    Just genious.

    Stay cool,
    Rythin

  14. #14
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    The king is dead. Long live the Knud.

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

    1075 - 1077



    Cute little bugger. I hope I can find her a husband without having to process thirty rejections.




    This fellow wonders if God exists. I will demonstrate that he does . . .




    . . . by sending . . .




    . . . all . . .




    . . . my problems . . .




    . . . to church. And you all know why I do this.




    Having to raise all the children of my court is having a negative effect on the bishop.




    With our low expectations combined, there's no telling what we might accomplish.




    Wharf is based on the word hwearf, which is Old English for me not having 100 ducats anymore.




    My father died. My brother Harald inherited Denmark and male-pattern baldness. I inherited nothing.

    Thanks a lot, dad.



    What did Knud really inherit? Has he finally stopped sending all his problems to church? And what will Knud and his bishop accomplish? Everything changes next week when an old enemy returns in an all-new episode of the adventures of Knud Knýtling!
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:39.

  15. #15
    Best AAR . . . ever! Had me laughing out loud repeatedly. Keep it going!

  16. #16
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    He's ba-a-ack!

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

    1077 - 1079



    Harald is my nephew. For some reason, he's the king's heir.




    The realm uses consanguinity. I do not know why Harald is ahead of Erik.




    Maybe they are ordered by how manly their names sound.




    Estrid. A future church-goer, no doubt.




    Przybyslaw. My mortal enemy.

    . . . Przybyslaw?



    I can't go to war with him because my father made peace when I tried to conquer his land.

    Then he died.

    Thanks a lot, dad.




    I'll go to war with this child instead.

    Pounding my fist on the table and demanding this boy's land stirs my viking soul.

    1,210 men should do the trick.



    The plan was simple.




    170 people deserted before they even boarded the ships so I decided to start paying them.

    Knud Knýtling, you're a genius.




    I am become death, destroyer of anonymous commanders.



    Why is Harald the heir to the throne? Will Knud's armies prevail? Now that he's paying them? With money? How will Knud's prepubescent enemies counter his attack? Tune in next episode as the battle against Pryb, er, Przyzy, er, Prsybslaw oh for the love of God.
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:40.

  17. #17
    The Closer Supermoderator Veldmaarschalk's Avatar
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    170 people deserted before they even boarded the ships so I decided to start paying them.

    Knud Knýtling, you're a genius.
    Marvellous

  18. #18
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Knud causes a war in which Denmark gets conquered by pagans.

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

    1079 - 1081



    Because they're leading important battles.

    Or because they're a woman with a great inheritence but haven't had a son with you yet.

    Or because it's bloody inconvenient.

    Every useful person dies sooner or later.




    Some sooner rather than later.




    It's a good thing I had a courtier with good intrigue waiting in the wings or this would really suck.

    Oh.




    The less said about how my army came back to Halland in disarray, the better.




    Off to the nunnery with you, Helge!




    The less said about how the pagans conquered Bornholm and besieged Fyn, the better.




    Skjalm Tokesson Hvide got all the glory.

    . . . Tokesson?

    With Fyn saved, it's off to Rostock to face my mortal enemy.




    The plan was simple.




    It was an epic battle.




    The enemy lost twenty-eight men out of an army of twenty-four. Because every man Knud Knýtling kills dies twice.



    Will the armies of Denmark prevail against the pagans? Can Knud get any glory or will his efforts in the war be forgotten? Does Knud still hate God and himself? You won't believe your eyes when you read the next chapter in the startling adventures of Knud Knýtling!
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:40.

  19. #19
    Field Marshal phargle's Avatar
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    Knud knows no price.

    The Muddling Adventures of Prince Knud

    As told with many pictures. And few words.

    (the quality is low because there's a lot of them. pictures that is. the low quality of the words is all my fault though.)

    1081 - 1083



    I just send all His children to church.




    I'm sure glad I didn't tell that kid to be brave against God's enemies or I'd feel like a real hypocrite right about now.

    . . . Bozydar?




    With pagan gold lining my pockets, I can afford to build things.

    Maybe I'll go down in history as Knud the Forester. Or Knud the Rich.




    Or Knud, the guy who pissed off the pagans so much that they conquered Denmark trying to kill him.




    Never tell me the odds!




    The plan was simple.




    Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.




    Let pagans crush land that I'll never inherit so I can conquer it back when I outnumber them four to one?

    Knud Knýtling, you're a genius!




    Three of my men died for every two pagans we slew.




    Nobody can win with ten to one odds like Knud Knýtling!



    Has the tide turned? Will Knud save Denmark? Don't go away as a prince of Denmark falls in battle. Nobody is safe as the adventures of Knud Knýtling continue!
    Last edited by phargle; 27-11-2007 at 17:41.

  20. #20
    Field Marshal CSK's Avatar
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    One word, hilarious!

    Quote Originally Posted by phargle
    The realm uses consanguinity. I do not know why Harald is ahead of Erik.
    His base martial skill is higher than the one of Erik. That's what counts when no son has land.

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