Golden Horde - Scourge From The East

[Sir Sean]

i hope the black horde stop all this obese fast food soon there hordes will be too fat to ride and your empire will crack and strat to break up. so in the name of your empire stop!

[Battle bunny]

I wonder if there will be a revolt against the name "Black Horde"...

Yeah! Make love not War! Pink Horde forever!

...um, crush 'em rebels.

I see Austria got hungry and ate Hungary.

Oh no we're dead!1!!!

[The Real Deal]

i hope the black horde stop all this obese fast food soon there hordes will be too fat to ride and your empire will crack and strat to break up. so in the name of your empire stop!

This one speaks wisdom, however...lets cast all our cares into the wind and make super duper mega sized berger meals the standard military ration and ride our fat asses throughout Europe and beyond...

Berker Khan - Fat asses from the East, shall be our battle cry

[Chief Ragusa]

Feed the super dupa sized meals to the horses and create a corps of super heavy cavalry.

Have the scots established any overseas colonies?

Has your BB declined to he point wher you can eat up more of persia?

Will the uzbeks make a return? Will the Horde create more advanced boats to sail the seas hunting uzbeks?

[Grundius]

A fitting way to go for Ildar. Why you made pantsy-ass marriages with the Muscovites and Poles is beyond me, however. The Horde should conquer! Not give good sturdy Tartar women to those frail Europeans!

Perhaps the next Khan should get *cough* cores *cough* on the homeland?

[J. Passepartout]

I see Austria got hungry and ate Hungary.

Chad was Hungary. He ate Turkey, and then he slipped on Greece and landed on Italy.

[Atomic Lodoss]

Chad was Hungary. He ate Turkey, and then he slipped on Greece and landed on Italy.

....who booted him Norway.

[Specialist290]

....who booted him Norway.

I think Ural crazy

Great story, Duke! <-- (to keep the thread from getting spammy w/ all these puns)

[Duke of Wellington]

billy bob - That's a lot of glory to behold.

The Real Deal - Thanks. His death was a change from the norm, that's for sure.

SunZyl - I might just do that.

lilljonas - I hope ou're right on that last bit.

SirruShan - Chicken is the uzbeks speciality

SunZyl - Better late than never

GregóriodeMatos - Some day.....

Atomic Lodoss - That they did, its what Austria does really.

CatKnight - Perhaps they do.....

Sir Sean - That is good advice I do believe.

Battle bunny - Pink Horde! Now that heretical talk

The Real Deal - Somehow that cry doesn't inspire fear in me.

Chief Ragusa - No Scots overseas yet, but I best me on the watch.

Grundius - COres? Maybe.... Perhaps the good Tartar women will beat some sense into their pathetic husbands.

J. Passepartout - Very good

Atomic Lodoss - I should hope so too.

Specialist290 - Even better.

[Duke of Wellington]

Ulugh III : Part 1
Maymbil Malay first act upon taking power was to take the title Ulugh III

And another Ulugh rises

His official reason was to honour the legacy of Ulugh the Great, but all knew the reality was a little different. Maymbil Malay literally translates into Monkey Boy, a reference to his more than normal (to put it nicely) hairiness.

The same condition led to a strong feeling of insecurity in Ulugh. Some have since postulated it was this that led Ulugh to his second act in power, beheading, excessive beheading. It was of course traditional for a Khan to behead a few of the old administration on taking the throne. But Ulugh beheaded a grand total of 462 beating the old record of 213 held by Murtada for nearly two centuries. Ulugh's only comment on the matter was "This is sure to earn me a nickname of some sort."

He then went on to ban the words hair, hear, hare, here and heir. Any caught uttering these words were punishable with a good old fashioned tar and hairing. Of course this caused quite a dilemma for the judges of the Horde who found that stating the sentence was in effect enough to have them suffer it.

In the chaos that the changeover caused the Christian rebels in Vologda managed to seize the province. Then in a move not yet understood they marched not into more Muslim territory but rather attacked their home nation, Muscovy.

The rebels march on Muscovy

Ulugh's army quickly marched on Vologda and laid siege to it. Those in the province who remained quickly embraced Islam in an attempt to be spared the inevitable slaughter that would come when the army breached their city walls. But it was to no avail Ulugh would settle for nothing less than a bloody mess.

Vologda the day it converted, still held by rebels. The Vologda religious rebellions and subsequent conversion have always been considered one of the strangest episodes in Horde history.

The north was settled, the west showed no opportunities at present but in the south a golden one lay. Fars. For too long this joke of a nation had remained an independent country. And for what? Like the question of if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to audibly detect it does it make a sound, nobody could answer it.

But Ulugh ever the philosopher resolved it. Cut down every tree so that none are left to fall down, or in other words Fars was annexed in June 1695.

The age old question is answered; Fars exists to be annexed

Within Poland a considerable faction remained that called for the ties with the Horde to be broken and Polish sovereignty restored. The volatile situation quickly spilled over into civil war.

Civil war over Poland's submission to the Horde erupts

Not one to leave his vassal alone against such a foe Ulugh dispatched elite troops for some more of that ever popular pastime rebel quashing.

Nobody quashes a rebellion like the Horde

By 1697 Ulugh had still failed to sire a child. Rumours were beginning to fly regarding the issue no matter what Ulugh did to try and quiet them. Perhaps he would get that nickname after all, but would it be Ulugh the Sterile?

[SunZyl]

I think this is the proper time for a Khaness. Legitime or not I dare not guess. What's your BB like?

[Battle bunny]

Congrats on the record, and I loved the banned words ... So you didn't leave the Poles alone? Nice gesture but maybe they'll betray you and you'll suffer (of course, crushing them is no difficulty I assume)

[Bismarck1]

intresting, so Ulugh III is just as crazy as his father, I wonder what will hapen when he dies?

[Grundius]

Very in-character to squash the rebels in Poland, yet might a more gamey response not have resulted in a number of Polish provinces becoming The Horde's?

[stnylan]

Ok, it's not quite making war on Poland, but almost.

[Chief Ragusa]

So any discussion about ulugh's lack of an heir is banned on piain of death. Certainly a her' raising experience. No longer can people buy hares or even mention them.

Ulugh III knows how to keep the army on board: end the nation formerly known as farce and good old fashioned rebel bashing. Those rebels in vulgargrad were just trying to escape from Horde territory. Why anyone wouldn't want to live in the land of Monkey Boy, I just don't know. He's going to have to adopt an heir.

The riches of India beckon the Horde, new vassals to make, rebels to crush and converts to be made.

[Battle bunny]

It's not so bad. People can still buy rabbits, wabbits, bunnies, etc.

[J. Passepartout]

I think that all the haresayers and the Farcians should be sent to Poland so we can fight them some more.

[The Real Deal]

It's not so bad. People can still buy rabbits, wabbits, bunnies, etc.

@ Duke - youve got a good knack of making common occurances interesting, and I still dont know where you get your stamina from to keep pumping all these out, anyway...good job.

[Specialist290]

I have an explanation for the strange behavior of the Vologda rebels: They were secretly uzbeks (You saw that one coming, didn't you?)

Another explanation might be that once they realized what they had done, they decided to flee across the border so they would at least get a fair trial before they were executed for inciting general rebellion Or they could have been anarchists