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Thus passes, reviled Chigakka down the blessed 43 steps.

Just too many rebels forthegenerals to turn their attention to the late Khan. now the Horde needs a successful general who will take them back where they belong.
 
Good work Duke, may I just ask how you're doing techwise?
 
Have you arrested the shoemaker yet? He might be in line with the rebels...
 
Good to see an update.

This current Khan seems to be getting strange ideas...
 
J. Passepartout - A valid point. But this begs the question, will the architects be persecuted at some point for such a thing?

GrimPagan - Not just the ministry, we all need to be on the lookout for such things. Stairs can kill and nobody ever suspects them. I'm willing to bet they were highly involved in both the J.F.K assassination and the Monica Lewinsky affair.

Falastur - Me for the chop for a thing such as that?! :eek: I better watch my back.

Battle bunny - Thanks. Do you ever plan to move to EUII and make an AAR for this game?

Chief Ragusa - The blessed 43, never thought of it that way but you are more than likely right. A good general is needed but how often does the Horde get what's needed.

Saulta - Land 26, Naval 7, Trade 3, Infra 3. Not a pretty sight.

Walter Model - As I say watch out for them steps. They're evil I tell you. Incidentally my daily walk home involves 190 in one go, perhaps thats why I cast them in such a villainous part.

SirruShan - A good point. He shall have to be.

stnylan - That he was but no longer at least.

Grundius - Maybe.....
 
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1729 : The Year of Four Khans
In most history books you will find 1729 referred to as the year of four Khans. This is in fact due to a persistent translation error for it was in fact the year of five Khans.

The first Khan of 1729 was of course the ill-fated Chigakka II whose downfall (quite literally) has been discussed in the preceding chapters.

Ulugh IV
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Chigakka II was succeeded by the pathetic, in every sense of the word Ulugh IV. He was exceedingly dull, lacking in any military skill whatsoever and even had a smaller skull and brain than any non-uzbek alive. To give the man some credit at least he lived long enough to reach his coronation. But that is where credit ends. As he sat on the throne after being crowned his smaller-than-normal head allowed the crown to slip down. Becoming lodged around his neck in the process he choked to death only forty five minutes into his reign. Ulugh IV therefore enters the records as the shortest lived Khan ever.
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Ulugh IV prior to becoming Khan. He is engaged in one of his favourite activities, making daisy chains

Muhammad II
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Following the farce that was Ulugh IV, Muhammad II came as welcome relief. Having graduated from the world famous Murtada II Memorial Tatar Cultural Institute in Astrakhan he was a brilliant scholar with great skill in managing the administrative side of the nation plus the diplomatic affairs.

However Muhammad like his predecessor lacked even a hint of military know how. In a nation such as the Horde and especially given the nature of the times this was an extremely bad thing to lack.

Muhammad favoured a policy of defence for the military. For a start all the army was recalled to Astrakhan with orders to leave rebels be.
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The recall of the army
It was a highly unpopular move amongst the army who favoured crushing internal opposition before striking back at the rebellious nations to the east and south.

Thus in June they made the point quite clear by means of uprising, coup and inevitable beheading of Muhammad II.


Muhammad III
637-muhammadII.png
A fast learner Muhammad III was quick to delegate much of the responsibility for running the army to the army itself. It was a move that appeased the generals well and set up Muhammad III for what promised to be a good reign.

Ever concerned with the working population Muhammad III was keen to be seen as a Khan of the people. To this end he conducted numerous tours of the factories in the land. At one such factory, a meat processing plant, he had a tragic accident.

A poorly built handrail gave way whilst the Khan surveyed the sausage making machine. The machine, powered by uzbek slaves, was unable to be shut down before Muhammad III had been processed. It was a horrific and all too early end for the young Khan. But it did earned him a unique title, Muhammad 'the grated'.
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Muhammad III's remains

His legacy took another turn for the worse when at his funeral a notable guest committed an extreme faux pas He confused the buffet and the casket by helping himself to a little of Muhammad remains with lunch.

After so many short lived Khans rumours began to circulate that the throne was cursed. Others went so far as to say that the Horde was on a downward spiral willed by Allah. Nothing could retrieve they claimed. Into this difficult and volatile situation stepped the fifth and final Khan of 1729, Chilaun.
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From the title I was hoping for some AD68 style multisided civil war with Vespasian Khan coming out on top :D

Nice update, have you removed all your BB with the defections so a blood drenched Phoenix can arise from the flames of the reconquest?
 
whoa, Muhammad III was your best option there. A the life(and death) of a khan..
 
Come on! Let this be an average Khan. Also, if you could program events of him taking extra classes in the Tatar Astrakhan Institute by increase of admin and dip level. Hopefully he'll be a long ruler if that is so...
 
Duke of Wellington said:
A poorly built handrail gave way whilst the Khan surveyed the sausage making machine. The machine, powered by uzbek slaves, was unable to be shut down before Muhammad III had been processed. It was a horrific and all too early end for the young Khan. But it did earned him a unique title, Muhammad 'the grated'.

So now the handrails are in on it too? Grave days indeed for the Khans of the Golden Horde. Who can you trust if you can't trust a bannister?

Or perhaps another uzbek conspiracy? I hope those slaves were given their just desserts...
 
That guy that got killed by the steps, the story is like this :

Fritz I - "We must kill that bastard!"
Follower - "But how?"
Fritz I - "Hmm... just send some spies. Oh, and get my wonderful clothes ready, I want to look good when I take over that horde!"
Follower = "Yes my lord."

*A day later*

Follower - "All the spies are dead!"
Fritz I - "How?!"
Follower - " :eek:o They fell down some 100 steps..."
Fritz I - "Ahh, oh well they were just here consuming food anyway. I'm sure they lost lots of weight in that step exercise..."



Wladyslaw IV - "Alright, that idiot Fritz I failed."
Follower - "Yes."
Wladyslaw IV - "So lets send some spies in disguise as nuns (Fritz I just told the spies to go in burgular uniform so they got murdered anyway once they got down the steps by some random uzbek soldier who just poked his 1371 spear in the stomach and got one of their kidnies and said "ooh, lunch..." and licked his lips)
Follower - "But..."
Wladyslaw IV - "Don't make me get this 455 spear on you!"
Follower - "Urmm... thats just a wooden spade..."
Wladyslaw IV "NOW!!!"
Follower - "Yes... of course! *runs out*

One day later.

Spy 1 - "Hey dude, check it out!"
Spy 2 - "What"
Spy 1 - "That dumb Uzbek dude is running after his dinner!"
Spy 3 - "What is it?"
Spy 1 - "Some flying turd..."
Spy 2 - "Hurls out on the border guard"

Border Guard - "ARGHHH JUST GO THROUGH!"

Uzbek - "Hey, dude whats up!"
Spy 4 - "Hey, hows it going?"
Uzbek 2 - *throws spear through all of them because they were in a vertical line*
Uzbek - "That bloody turd won't let me eat it!" (pun lyric)

Wladyslaw IV - "Ah, well, I like killing dudes anyway."

In the court of Liechtenstein...

Vann the Red - "Let's try and get that shit monarch!"
Noble - "But how?"
VtR - "Send some spies there..."
Noble - "We don't even have 10 ducats sir.. we aren't even close anyway..."
VtR - "Take out a loan!"

Uzbek 3 - "h, ermm... hey!"
VtR - "Get that crap OUT of my room"
Uzbek 3 zooms arrow and it misses.
Noble - "Hah is that all you got!"
Uzbek 3 - *Gets a 1677 rifle out* Uhm... no..."

*URGHH RUN FOR YOUR LIFE*

Well, it's obvious what happened :D





*Khan is coming*

Step 522 - SHhh... that fag is coming... act normal...
Step 112 - Sure...
Khan is humming.

Step 560 - Hey dude, check this out...
Khan - *looks*
Step 561 - Hey, what'd we do? Why are you staring (pun lyric) at us!?
Khan - *horrified*
Step 560 - Gets a huge boot of italy and kicks the khan
Steps 560-600 just lay spikes up and the Khan falls down.

Hmm... I wonder what happened :D
 
A terrible year for Khans, and a grisly fate indeed for the grated one.

Hopefully this new one, being of somewhat more modest talents and hopefully sensible ideas will be able to get things straigtened out.
 
Such Khanage! As gifted as one was in so many areas, the horde needs, and prizes, military skill above all.

Uzbek joke: What do Golden Horde Khans and beds have in common? (Uzbeks don't use beds, so have only a vague idea what one is)

They're both unmade in the morning.