Calling in the Old Guard: Austria 1936

Wilhelm Miklas sits in a dark room, dejected, as a faceless German interrogator stares him down from across a table.



[INTERROGATOR]
You will answer my questions! Whose idea was it to betray the Third Reich?

[WILHELM]
. . .

[INTERROGATOR]
[slamming his fist on the table] Who was behind it?!

[WILHELM]
[softly] There was no betrayal.

[the INTERROGATOR slaps WILHELM]

[INTERROGATOR]
Liar! You blatantly abandoned the Central Axis so you could invade München and steal southern Germany!

[WILHELM]
No, no! That's not it at all! We left the Central Axis so we could pursue our own goals, but we had no intention of leaving permanently. German belligerance was so high... both our nations would have been drawn into an early war with the Allies, a war neither of us was prepared for.

[INTERROGATOR]
So that's your pathetic excuse? You wanted to grab up lands in Serbia, or perhaps even in Bohemia, lands that rightfully belong to the German people, so much that you left our alliance...

[WILHELM]
...we left your alliance so that you would not be dragged into a war with Bohemia or Serbia, because had you done so England and France would have declared war on us both.

[INTERROGATOR]
Surely you did not believe we were unable to handle France.

[WILHELM]
We believed you and France would sit idly on your respective borders, wasting time for about a year while France invaded us ferociously through Piedmont.

[INTERROGATOR]
Why ever would you think that?

[WILHELM]
Call it a hunch.

[INTERROGATOR]
But that doesn't make sense. Your belligerance was just as high as ours, after stealing all those Italian lands.

[WILHELM]
Well, you see, we liberated Libya right after declaring war, so our belligerance was zero. There was no way the parliaments of Europe would declare war on us.

[INTERROGATOR]
Hmpf. Well, obviously you miscalculated, didn't you! How exactly did this little war on Serbia lead you to make treason against the German Vaterland?

[WILHELM]
Oh, it was terrible. It happened so fast, even more disasterously worse than the last Great War!

[INTERROGATOR]
Calm down! Look.

[music begins playing, ever so slightly]

Let's start at the very beginning.

[WILHELM]
A very good place to start.
In the last war it began with Serbia and Russkis
But this time it began with Serbia and Turkey

[INTERROGATOR]
Serbia and Turkey?

[WILHELM]
Serbia and Turkey
That simple war just happened to be with
Serbia and Turkey
Serbia and Turkey
Serbia, Turkey, England, Germany...

[INTERROGATOR]
[backhands Wilhelm] Make sense, man!

[WILHELM]
Oh, let's see if I can make it easier...

Austria-- declares war on the Serbs
Turkey-- declares the war, right back
U.K.-- makes war on Turkey then
Germany-- gives English war a crack
Stalin-- is not a British fan
Serbs-- prepare for England's doom
Hungary-- wars Turkey then. Big man.
Which will lead us back to whom?

To whom? To

[heavy beat subtly appears in the background, giving the next verse a slight techno feel]
Austria-- declines entry to Allies
But Serbs-- enter the Axis deal
Germany--, in turn, wars Austria

The Serbs-- then break the Pact of Steel
Hungary-- calls Serbia a sot
Romania-- gets drunk, blames Canada

Italy-- wars England, then. Why not?
And it just won't cease, and

[auxillaries add to beat; techno sound blares]
Hungary-- decides Ethiopia stinks
Romania—enters the Comintern


NOTE: despite its puppet status, and despite the fact that they are at war with at least four of the same enemy nations, Hungary has no interest in coordinating forces with Austria unless Austria joins one of the three major alliances.

Austria-- ends Libyan mastery
But Turks-- still want Libya to burn
Japan says-- 3 Chinas can't be free
And of course-- Mao's Communists are next
Franco-- at last claims Victory!
And Austria's torn up, annexed



[WILHELM breaks down and starts sobbing, while the INTERROGATOR shakes him by the shoulders violently]

[INTERROGATOR]
Load save! Load save! Load save! . . .





[KURT]
[speaking to an Austrian laborer] . . . Load, save! Load that metal into the truck for trade, but save those rare materials for our own factories!

Oh, hello Wilhelm. You've been asleep for a while. Shall we go to the cabinet meeting, to prepare for Austria-Hungary's next war? I was thinking of striking the Serbs in Yugoslavia, and I have the perfect plan to make us look less belligerant to the free world...

[WILHELM]
NEIN! NICHT! NO WAR! Not yet. We're not ready yet. So horrible, so tragic...

[KURT]
Calm down, Wilhelm! We don't have to attack Serbia--yet. We can go for Bohemia instead...

[WILHELM]
No! Poland guarantees Czechoslovakia! Then Germany, and then Russia! Czechs and Russkis and Poles, with no Hungarian allies, unless we want France attacking us too, and...

[KURT]
You had a nightmare, Willy. Just relax. We'll all go to the tactical map room, and we'll find a way to make everything right. Maybe a war with Romania... or perhaps we'll wait in case something drastic happens to Turkey's government in a few years... or it could be that the answer is sticking with Germany and fortifying the French border... who knows? We'll just see, Willy.

[WILHELM follows KURT, weeping softly]

Sorry it's been so long yet again. I'm toward the end of a splendid little war... but France declared war on Germany at the last moment. High German belligerance, and all.

As you know, France and Germany have a terrible habit of putzing around for a year, so I'm expecting France to leave their German border relatively unguarded while flooding into my country. I just need to make sure I don't get annexed, before making another parody...

((Found the problem. Germany had made a generous peace with Yugoslavia right before I annexed them, which really peeved me, so I redeclared war on Yugoslavia, and this made France get hostile. The whole situation was ridiculous, so I find only minimal shame in reloading for the second time. After all, it's not like I'm doing this AAR to test my skill. ))

Vienna. KURT and WILHELM sit in an office, speaking with HAILE.

[HAILE]
I'm just telling you that we can't go to war with England yet. I'm nowhere near ready. I mean, I'm never going to *really* be ready, what with all of my military leaders either killed or fled from the country during the Italian War, but--

[WILHELM]
Yeah, don't worry. We're not planning to start a war with the Allies anytime soon. We're trying to skirt around it.

[HAILE]
What about Herr Hitler?

[WILHELM]
Says he has plans for Czechoslovakia, Poland, and ultimately Russia itself. But so far he's kind of vague on it.

[KURT]
Which is bothersome, considering we also have plans for Bohemia and Slovakia.

[MIKLÓS bursts through the door, brandishing a sheet of paper proudly]

[MIKLÓS]
[playfully] What's up, losers?

[KURT]
You're late.

[MIKLÓS]
Am I? That's just too bad. If only I had a good reason...

[HAILE]
What's that in your hand?

[MIKLÓS]
[waving the paper] What, this? Oh, it's nothing. Just "peace in our time"!

[the other three try to see the paper, complaining loudly]

Hey, hey there, calm down. That's right. While you ladies were here discussing and strategerizing, I got the Czechs to fork over half their country.

[HAILE]
[admiringly] You son of a...

[KURT]
Whoa, let me get this straight. You, as a semi-autonomous province of our empire, went behind our backs and pressed your own territorial demands on one of our most powerful neighbors?

[MIKLÓS]
Oh yeah.

[KURT]
Good job!

[they all lift MIKLÓS on their shoulders]

[WILHELM]
Dude, you're the best semi-autonomous province a guy could ask for. We've been trying to demand just one lousy fort area from the Bohemians for months now.

[MIKLÓS]
Nice to show ya how it's done. Now, carry me to the tavern, to get drunk!

[ALL]
To get drunk!

[KURT]
Then we can plan the next war!

[ALL]
Next war, next war, next war... [chanting as they leave the office]


* * *


A number of people scramble through the streets of Berlin excitedly. One particular man, HEINZ GUDERIAN, observes this all in bewilderment. Seeing an army officer run by, he grabs him by the collar.

[HEINZ]
Hey, what's going on?

[OFFICER]
Heil Hitler! Haven't you heard? Austria-Hungary's declared war on Romania!

Something about land stolen from the last war, Transylvania or something. It wasn't really a coherent declaration. I hear it actually ended with the phrase "the point is you suck and we're gonna kick your Dummkopfs".

[HEINZ]
Wow. Sounds like they were drunk.

[OFFICER]
Maybe so.

[a newsboy waves a paper]

[NEWSBOY]
Extra, extra! The Great Turk forms Balkan Alliance! Turkey, Greece, Poland vow to join Romania in foolish war against Austrian justice! Yugoslavia and Bulgaria mobilise but remain silent!

[HEINZ flips a coin to the newsboy and takes a paper. Reading through it briefly, he smiles.]

[OFFICER]
Sir?

[HEINZ]
The Führer has pledged to stand behind his Austro-Hungarian allies. That can mean only one thing: war with Poland.

[HEINZ and the officer begin walking through the streets, past the crowd. Gradually, inexplicably, both the city and the crowd give way to a command tent in a grassy area with several other officers. HEINZ stops in the midst of them.]

Gentlemen, the entire German military has been divided into two main groups: one for the invasion of Poland, named "Fall Weiß", and another to serve in Hungary against the Romanians, Turks, Greeks, and now the Yugoslavians, in an operation they have named... [pauses, reading a paper] "Fall Beat-the-crap-ou..." look, the name's not important. We're just going to take part in it.

[OFFICER]
Why the expeditionary force? Can't the Austro-Hungarians take care of themselves?

[HEINZ]
Also last night, Tsar Boris III of Bulgaria joined the Central Axis and pledged support to our cause.

Bulgaria now faces war in every direction from four neighboring enemies. The Führer believes that, though Austria is our loyal and faithful ally, she may feel no rush to save Bulgaria from being completely overrun. Our sources say Chancellor Schuschnigg has high hopes of redrawing the map in southeastern Europe, but perhaps German military actions in the area can prevent that.

[OFFICER]
Sir, is it true that...?

[HEINZ]
[sighing] Yes, it's true; Mussolini declared war on Ethiopia again. I hear that a Hungarian militia is currently marching through Italy unopposed to annex them for good this time. But, we need to focus on our own war. I have developed a foolproof doctrine for engagement against the Polish units, as well as any other future enemies we may face.

[OFFICER]
Are you sure it'll work?



[HEINZ smiles his characteristic grin]

[HEINZ]
Why this doctrine's most pragmatic
It's systematic
It's aerobatic
Why it's a Krieg lightning!

[GERMAN OFFICERS]
Krieg lightning!

[all gather around a tactical war map; HEINZ begins marking areas with a pencil]

[HEINZ]
We'll get artillery and bombers, pound at the Schwerpunkt oh ja

[GERMAN OFFICERS]
Nicht kleckern, whoa-hoa, klotzen!

[HEINZ]
Rifles and panzers push for a breakthrough oh ja

[GERMAN OFFICERS]
We'll get the breakthrough, we'll kill to get the breakthrough

[HEINZ]
With Luftwaffe overhead, all our tanks'll knock 'em dead
You know it ain't no fringe, we'll be getting lots of hinge
With Krieg lightning

[GERMAN OFFICERS]
Heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil

[HEINZ]
Go Krieg lightning you're folding up the Polish line


[PANZER LEADERS]
Krieg lightning, go Krieg lightning!

[switches back to HEINZ; camera will continue to switch back-and-forth between HEINZ and combat soldiers during their respective lines]

[HEINZ]
Go Krieg lightning you're flanking 'em to strike behind


[INFANTRY]
Krieg lightning, go Krieg lightning!

[HEINZ]
You're a remover! We'll outmaneouvre, with Krieg lightning

[GERMAN OFFICERS]
Heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil, heil

[HEINZ]
We'll seize air supremacy, take over skies oh ja


[PILOTS]
Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, ooo

[HEINZ]
We'll use directive control, maintain our surprise oh ja


[VARIOUS SOLDIERS]
La, la, la, la, la-la, la, ah

[HEINZ]
Keep their weakest points in sight, we'll exploit 'em day and night
Then we tie 'em in a knot it's a real Kesselschlacht
Krieg lightning

[knocks over the map table and strikes a pose]

Go Krieg lightning you're folding up the Polish line


[ARTILLERYMEN]
Krieg lightning, go Krieg lightning!

[when camera switches back to HEINZ, he and the other officers are dancing]

[HEINZ]
Go Krieg lightning you're flanking 'em to strike behind


[SOLDIERS]
Krieg lightning, go Krieg lightning!

[HEINZ]
You're a remover! We'll outmaneouvre, with Krieg lightning

[GERMAN OFFICERS]
Lightning, lightning, lightning,
lightning, lightning, lightning . . .




Next update: end of the Third Balkan War, and the Vienna Diktat

lifeless said:

woo! go lighting!

Click to expand...

I know what you're thinking: did he actually type each word "lightning", instead of copying and pasting? Well, yes. I did. It's my way.

kenneththegreat said:

Is that their heaviest artillery

Click to expand...

Forget *that*! I just realised that I think the bombers are U.S.! Let me find some replacements....

EDIT: Both the aircraft and the "artillery" images have been purged and replaced with more loyal... replacements. But I'm afraid the "parade marching infantry" picture must stay. Do you know how hard it is to find a picture of German *infantry* fighting in Poland? If I were the crazy type, I'd say that part of the blitzkrieg doctrine must've been made up, because you don't see it in any of the pictures.