Missing That One Final Screw - A Bavarian Pre/Sequel

[Rocketman]

Warning, this will not make sense. It will make slightly more sense if you read the latest post (and hopefully the full thing) of this AAR. Even then, your results may vary.

Somewhere in the Duchy of Bavaria
Dec. 26, 1066 AD.

Random Peasant #5268 was packing it in after a long day of doing whatever peasants do. Which included being oppressed by Random Official #3214, who he was carrying on his back.

Then the sky split open, and in a hail of rocks, metal, and suitcases, a titanic metal montrosity still trailing bluish electricity smashed into the ground and plowed through two cows and a chicken.

Needless to say, this caused them to empty their bowels.

Then a door swing open from the side of the hulking metal thing, and a snappily-dressed man and a frizzled, wide-eyed younger man stepped out.

SD Man: Hail, citizens! Could one of you direct us to the Duke's castle?

The shaken Official whistled to his carriage driver, who drove the carriage over.

Official: T-take these guys to the Duke, now!

And they were on their way!

The Duke's Castle
Jan 1, 1067

Duke: And what is it you wanted, sirs?

SD Man: I and my aide here seek admittance to your court, Your Dukeness.

Duke: Mhm. And what do I stand to gain from this?

SD Man: I am a powerful and wise holy man, your lordship. (Here, the record states the aide collapsed in a fit of heavy coughing)

Duke: Sure you are. Guards! *The guards surrounded the two*

SD Man: Wait! You doubt my power?!

Duke: Yes. Do you know how many 'holy men' I get a week? We had to build a whole new dungeon to hold them all! Take them away!

SD Man: STOP! I can prove my power!

With that, the man ripped off his own left pointer finger.

Coutiers: *gasp*

SD Man: BEHOLD!

As he held his left hand high, a mighty blue flame sparked to life from the stump on his hand.

Duke:

The man lowered his hand and the flame died. With a quick movement, he snapped the finger back into place.

SD Man: What do you say, your lordship?

Duke: W-welcome to the court of the d-Duke of B-Bavaria, Sir...

SD Man: Ludwig. Ludwig the Second.

DUN DUN DUN...


Central Europe, CK, Latest Beta Patch
Bavaria and her vassals outlined in blue


The Duke of Bavaria

[Fiftypence]

So have you added Ludwig II as a courtier or will you be using poetic license?

[Pirate Z]

Hehe, read your Bavaria AAR in the Vicky AAR forums, and it was funny as hell

This one is shaping up to be the same. Please, continue!

[Shy Kid]

I gotta get me some of this

[Morpheus506]

I gotta get me some of this

Seconded *subscribes*

[coz1]

A very humurous start, and certainly on par with your Vickie AAR - though no song references...yet. Looking forward to where you take this.

[Korppi]

Good start.

[SeanB]

rofl, I love your humor. Its wacky and makes little sense, just how I like it.

[Rocketman]

So have you added Ludwig II as a courtier or will you be using poetic license?

Poetic license.

Also, sorry for the length before updating. Also, if nobody minds, I'll be skipping most of the personal events. There's only so many jokes I can make! I'll always mention the heir, though.
---------------------

January 3, 1067
The Duke's Palace

Ernst: What are doing, m'lord? We've gotta figure out how to get home!

Ludwig: Home? *laughs* Ernst, this is home! It's even better than I'd have thought... Here, even the mightiest nations of our time are like infants. Prussia, Austria, France... From here, we can guide Bavaria, make her the strongest in the world!

Ernst: But, sir, how can you hope to accomplish this before we die?

Ludwig: Die? We can't die, silly Aide. We haven't been born!

Ernst: But...we're living, and we haven't been-

Ludwig: Ernst, who has the metaphysics degree here?

Ernst: Um, you?

Ludwig: No. But thanks for believing in me. I love ya, man. *hugs Ernst and walks off*

Ernst: ... What the hell just happened?

[Snap to black, start theme song, reveal title]

--------------

1067

Jan 1 - We're making a whopping 9 gold a month. Would be 14 without the money going to the King of Germany.

Apr 9 - A Forestry is begun in Kempten. Also, Herr Duke keeps his ruling in the family. His wife's the chancellor, his daughter the steward, and his son-in-law the marshal.

Duke: It's easier to keep an eye on them that way.

Jun 14 - Justice and Fairness rule the heir's thoughts.

Heinrich: These thoughts come from God! Therefore I will be Reckless! BWAHAH!

He proceeded to crash a horse into a tree.

Jun 21 - Research focused on Offensive Tactics, Power, and Thought.

Ernst: You're planning something, aren't you.

Ludwig: Of course, dear Ernst! The question is if it'll work.

Ernst: *looks out the window to see the remains of the Time Train...and gets hammered at the tavern*

Also, the laws were switched to SemiSalic Primo, Traditional Custom, and Church Supremacy.

Oct 14 - Heinrich doesn't desire glory. This sends the Duke into a drunken rage. Fortunately, it also gave him Drunken Imbalance, and he didn't make it two steps.

1068

Apr 8 - Forestry complete in Kempton, begun in Oberbayern.

1069

Mar 6 - Training Grounds begun in Kempton.

Duke: Soon, our military will be the most powerful in.....Bavaria.... *sigh*

Mar 21 - The King of Germany attacks the Tribe of Mecklemburg, and asks for us to mobilize. Stupidly, we do. The King then proceeds to march them all over Europe for three years. Hell, one of my regiments wound up sitting in Sardinia for months!

Ludwig: We've got to become independent...

Apr 11 - The forestry in Oberbayern is complete.

Workers: We're lumberjacks and we're ok...

1070

Feb 5 - The training grounds are complete. The soldiers are checking out the Italian countryside.

Jun 20 - Our debt hits a low point of -220

Ernst: My friend's got a leigelord and he hates that dick
He tells me everyday
He wants more dinero just to stay at home
Ludwig: Well my friend
You gotta say

Ernst & Luwig:I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
Nana why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say now way, ya no way
Nana why don't you get a job?

1071

Jan 9 - Heinrich finishes school, and becomes a Brilliant Strategist.

Heinrich: Ha! Double sixes!
Ernst: Damn defender bonus!

Jul 9 - Soft Leather discovered in Kempten.

Ludwig: It makes me feel sexy.

Duke: Ludwig, I'm begging you, put some pants on!

1072

Jan 3 - Mecklemburg is finally defeated.

Ludwig: Finally. Maybe that idiot will give us our troops back...

King of Germany: I HEARD THAT! For that, I'm keeping them longer!

May 24 - Germany finally lets our troops go.

Aug 1 - The debt is paid off. Bavaria now makes about 13g a month.

Aug 28 - Road Building is 'discovered by Ludwig. Also, Lower Lorraine sent us a note.

Note: Dear Bavaria. You can kiss the fattest part of our ass.

Return Note: Dear Lower Lorraine. We don't want to intrude on your boyfriend's job.

We got a claim anyway.

Nov 11 - Heinrich got a maid servant pregnant.

Duke: That's my boy!

Nov 20 - Still, it'd be good for him to be married. We search, but there seem to be no hot young women in German, which is a damn shame. He does get married to Cecilia, a cousin of the King of England.

Nov 23 - We switch to Salic Consanguity, because I hate it when my heir is some other dynasty name because of my ruler's daughters.

1073

Mar 15 - The Pope sends a bishop to our court. His name is Ludwig. Unfortunately, we go into debt again.

Ludwig: Hi, I'm Ludwig.
Ludwig: pleased to meet you, Ludwig, I'm also Ludwig.
Ernst: I hate my life...

Apr 6 - Bavaria discovers the Shortbow. Fearful of our might, the Duke of Austria requests an alliance.

Honestly, I didn't know two Dukes could ally if both had a leige...

Nov 11 - Heinrich has an Identity Crisis, torn between Just and Lustful. He choses Justice, and becomes Bavaria's first superhero.

-------------
In Another World...

Anchorman: The evil Supervillain Herr Heinrich has announced today he has deflowered every madien in all of Germania. Even the might of the Pope was no use to stop this madman!
-------------

Dec 1 - County of Tirol kisses our feet.

1074

A period of provincial improvements and discoveries begins.

Oct 8 - Training Grounds in Oberbayern.

Dec 5 - Brickwork Structures discovered.

1075

Mar 13 - Wood plows in Oberbayern.

Apr 8 - Road Network begun in Kempten.

Aug 29 - Annual Sailing in Oberbayern. On the Danube, I guess...

Sept 8 - Training Grounds complete in Oberbayern

1076

Sept 8 - Road Network begun in Kempten

Dec 8 - Stonepit in Oberbayern.

Workers: No more...please...we can't go on...living this way...

1077

Jan 18 - A Great Royal Feast is financed. Everybody got totally smashed.

Ludwig: Ale and whores - a Bavarian tradition!

Slinged Javelin in both provinces later in the year. Totally unrelated.

1078

May 26 - The Pope calls for a Crusade to Jerusalem.

Duke: Right. We're gonna be able to do that.

Luckily, the Pope understands. We don't lose piety.

1079

Jun 20 - Cecilia, Heinrich's wife, dies in labor with a fifth child.

Duke: Son, you gotta be more careful. Don't break your stuff so fast.

1080

Jun 15 - The peasants show up.

Peasants: Hey, Sir Duke? Could nobody be born into serfdom?

Duke: Ah, sure, why not.

Peasants: Wow, that was easy.

Ludwig: Liberal Revolution, my arse!

Aug 22 - The nobles and vassals 'advise' that we switch to Elective Law.

Duke: How dare they question me! DUKE SMASH! RAWR!

And so he did. Right through our own castle walls, where he collapsed, exhausted.

Dec 16 - During the reconstruction, some bright chap says, "Hey! What if we made the walls bigger?!" And the Small Castle was born.

1081

Absolutely nothing of interest happened.

Ernst: I'M SO BORED!

1082

Aug 6 - Offensive Terrain discovered.

Ayup.

Nov 11 - The Oberbayern nobles protest the offensive terrain.

1083

Mar 3 - Bohemia finally gets enough money to proclaim itself a kingdom and get the hell out of Germany. We envy their minty greenness.

1084

Again, nothing of interest, except for Bohemia lording it over us. Asses.

1085

Sept 2 - The Bishop Ludwig brings forth a 'heretic'. The Duke chooses not to pass a secular sentence at the advice of the other Ludwig. He is branded as 'Skeptical'.

Oct 2 - We have pity on the Nobles. They can have their fiefs. As long as they keep the music down.

1086

Mar 2 - Chickens are discovered in Kempten.

Peasant: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Ernst: It's just a chicken, man.
Peasant: Is it poisonous?

Jun 9 - The Burghers protest the Feudal Contract.

Duke: DUKE SMASH!

This time, he not only made it through the walls to smash some burghers, we decided to actually start building that Small Castle.

1087

Jan 1 - 20 years.

Ernst: Twenty years of the Middle Ages... *sobs* I wanna die!
Ludwig: Come on, man, cheer up! It's not all bad! Go poke the peasants with this stick for a while, you'll feel better.

He did.

May 28 - Salt Refinery

Duke: Mmm...salt.

Jun 16 - Duke Otto dies of a salt-related heart attack. His son Heinrich assumes the throne.


Meet the new boss, kicks more ass than the old boss.

[Fiftypence]

That terrain certainly is offensive! I'm amazed, in all the humourous CK AARs I've read, that this is the first time I've seen that picture used in conjuction with an offensive terrain gag.

If you want to become a king the best route is Venice. Then you will no longer have to be envious of Bohemia's minty greenness.

[Korppi]

Great update.
Chickens was good one.

[coz1]

A loadful of terrible puns, every one of them a beaut! Offensive terrain, indeed.

[Shy Kid]

Apr 6 - Bavaria discovers the Shortbow. Fearful of our might, the Duke of Austria requests an alliance.

Honestly, I didn't know two Dukes could ally if both had a leige...

Only if they have loyalty below a certain amount.

Oh, and nice update.

[GuyB]

How much more money do you need to proclaim yourself and independent kingdom?

[Rocketman]

How much more money do you need to proclaim yourself and independent kingdom?

There is no 'Kingdom of Bavaria', so amount of money doesn't matter. I'm considering modding in a Kingdom of Bavaria, but that might make it too easy...

[Lurken]

There is no 'Kingdom of Bavaria', so amount of money doesn't matter. I'm considering modding in a Kingdom of Bavaria, but that might make it too easy...

It would be too easy, grab the crown of Venice instead, much cheaper and easier.

[GuyB]

There is no 'Kingdom of Bavaria', so amount of money doesn't matter. I'm considering modding in a Kingdom of Bavaria, but that might make it too easy...

I don't own CK, so I really have no idea hwo it works exactly - just linked from your Victoria AAR.

[Lützow]

Just as great as your another AAR!

[yourworstnightm]

Go for the german throne, much more challenging.

[Veldmaarschalk]

Great AAR, but don't go for the kingdom of Venice title, that is so cheaty