The Crusader Mafia: a Neapolitan AAR

Yes, I took some screenies, but don't get too demanding. I've converted them to .jpg, but they are still 2.25 MB. Any idea how to get 'em smaller?

Ninja Lenin!: Ask and ye shall receive.... sometimes..... okay, not very often.

Anyway, life has interrupted AARt a little, but I just played another four years, which means an update shall indeed appear.

The Earth spun its way into 1090. The first important event of this new year was the settlement of peace between Abelard Duke of Calabria and Georgios Paleologus of Byzantium. This wasn't terribly helpful in the long run though, as the little duchy was still at war with Scotland and Bohemia, who promptly invaded (1).
Anyway, on February 5th Prince Sergio found himself a bit thirsty and thus ordered the construction of a brewery in Napoli.
In an unrelated development, Salerno military strategists developed an interesting bit of "technology" in July. It was called "Offensive Terrain," and it entailed soldiers standing on prominent hills and wearing t-shirts with rude slogans printed on them. Naturally, the enemy would take offense to this, and they would attempt to attack the soldiers on the hill and lose, or something like that. The chronicler regrets devoting a paragraph to this.
On October 16th, poor choice of seeds negatively affected prosperity in Salerno.
On November 14th, 1090, Romanos Spartenos finished his education and became a crafty merchant. Or was it proven accountant? Nobody appeared to be sure.
At this point, the arch-rivals (sorta) of Campania in Apulia seemed to be struck by some kind of mass psychosis. They declared war on the formidable Kingdom of Fatimids and a few attendant sheikdoms. Prince Sergio set up a strategy meeting.
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr. of Campania: It appears the rival crime family in Apulia has initiated conflict with the Fatimid Moslems.
Count Sergio Spartenos Jr., ex-marshal of Campania: Indeed.
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: Conservative estimates put the full manpower of the Fatimids at 30,000. The Apulians cannot stand this.
Advisor: What is that supposed to mean?
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: They're screwed.
Count Sergio Spartenos Jr.: We might be able to pick up some of their vassals.
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: Begin the manufacturing of claims to titles! (2)
On December 1st, 1090, Prince Sergio gained a claim on the title Bishop of Benevento.
February 5th 1091 arrived, and that meant the opening of the brewery in Napoli. Naturally, Prince Sergio stopped by for an erm, tour.
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: Nice brewery, very nice.... got any samples? *wink*
Attendant: That's the fifth time you've asked that.
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: *hic* Guards! Have this man taken away! Now, let's try this again. Have you got any samples?
Attendant 2: Sure, have a glass.
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: *glug, glug* Good stuff. By the way, what's that Scotsman doing by the window there?
Despite the "tour," Sergio's judgement remained sound, so unlike Roger Borsa de Hauteville of Apulia, he did not lead his 200 men to battle five and a half thousand angry Fatimids who had landed in Lecce.
Roger Borsa de Hauteville: Holy crap.
Despite their victory, the Moslem hordes didn't make terribly fast progress, instead kinda wandering about. But Apulian manpower was reduced severely by the fighting. Opportunity was not knocking for the Campanians; it was hitting the door with some kind of battering ram. On April 15th 1091, war began against the Bishop of Benevento, Odo de Lagery (3). Due to a fairly short mobilization time, the three armies mustered by the principality were to march into empty (4) Benevento and merge there, as well as besiege.
Lack of road development meant agonizingly slow progress toward Benevento, but the Byzantines were fighting Apulia in Sicily, which hopefully meant fewer siege-stealing interruptions. But on June 4th, disaster struck.
Person: *pokes Prince Sergio with finger*
Prince Sergio Spartenos Sr.: GAAAAA! *dies* (5)
This was the unfortunate end of the Prince of Campania's life. He had quadrupled the size of his realm, built public improvements, endured Byzantine politics, and even reached level 16 in Space Invaders. But none of this mattered at the moment. The issue now was his oldest son by far, Sergio Spartenos Junior, who now commanded a principality at war.

OOC: That was a short update, yes, but the death of Sergio Sr. seemed like a good point of transition.

Footnotes:
(1) At the moment, Scotland is still occupying. Not sure when they'll stop.
(2) I just couldn't help it....
(3) His name was something like this, I think. I know it began with Odo.
(4) Apulia had mobilized the Benevento regiment and had sent it elsewhere. Lucky break.
(5) If you don't like this death scene, don't blame me. It's a tribute to my sister, who wanted something about poking people in it.

We last left the story with the death of Prince Sergio Spartenos I. His son now assumed rule, bringing to Napoli an entire court, which had apparently been propogating busily in the County of Capua. Also, Campania was at war with the Benevento/ Apulia syndicate. The roughly 1000-strong Campanian army reached Benevento in late June 1091, and began a siege. They then beat off an attack from 800 Apulians, who were later bribed to end their involvement. (1)
On September 9th, 1091, Neapolitans learned how to build a decent road. It took them some time, didn't it?
By this time, the mighty Byzantine siege-stealing machine was getting ready to join the Campanians in Benevento. (2) Luckily, on December 7th control of Benevento was assumed by Prince Sergio's army, just steps ahead of the Byzantine emperor.
On December 15th, 1091, peace was acheived. Sergio gained the title Count of Benevento. However, he was now controlling 5 provinces, more than he could handle personally. The cure for that, of course, was nepotism.
On New Year's Day 1092, the Prince called his sons together. Issakios became Count of Benevento, Konstantinos became Count of Capua, and Alexandros became Count of Jack Sh--
Alexandros Spartenos: Hey! No need to rub it in!
That January, Aikaterine Choinides became the official Campanian spy mistress. This is notable for her significant skills at said position. (3)
On February 21, 1092 Prince Sergio proclaims himself to be prince of both Campania and Benevento. This helped prestige significantly. In addition, the new expansion meant Sergio was now second in line to the Byzantine throne! (4)
On June 3rd, the wife of one of Sergio's sons, Xene, had a stillborn child. This is notable because Xene is kind of a cool name.
Two days later, Napoli discovered "soft leather." This is probably fairly meaningless.
Apparently, some of my skilled courtiers (5) are in demand from other Byzantine counties, including the amusingly named County of Paphlagonia. In other words, I am being spammed with marriage proposals.
On October 7th, 1092, Eudokia Spartenos becomes stressed. This is unusual for a child less than a year old. Usually, it's the parents who are stressed.
In January 1093, Prince Sergio Spartenos gets pneumonia. Uh-oh. Luckily, he hasn't died yet.

OOC: Yeah, this update was short on dialog.

Footnotes:
(1) On July 29th, I paid Apulia 89 gold. I had plenty of money at the time so it was okay.
(2) I was begging "Stay away! Stay away!"
(3) Intrigue skill 15. That has to be the best I've had, as I'm not to good at breeding "supermen" yet.
(4) I'm not ready for that. Unfortunately, I am stuck being fairly high on the succession list for a while if I continue to expand. And I need to to get a "kingdom" title that's remotely historical.
(5) Such as my 13-stewardship skill steward. Hands off!

Paranoid Tsar said:

Those marriage proposals are terrible. Marriage is just for people with mediocre stats, just like in real life.

Are you going to make a bid for Emperor? With only one person ahead of you...accidents can happen!

Soft leather is anything but meaningless. Whenever I get a new leather jacket it's an instant prestige bonus.

Keep it coming, it just keeps getting better! If the syndicate gets control of the purple blob, watch out!

Click to expand...

Yeah, I'm next in line to control of the ferocious and awe-inspiring purple blob.... trouble is, I've never managed such a huge nation before and my current ruler has pneumonia. My nightmare scenario is inheriting Byzantium, and then Sergio suddenly kicking the bucket, which would basically create chaos. My goal in this game is actually to be King of Naples.

TheBee said:

Great read!

I believe, though, that your rulers are still Orthodox. Not having CK myself, I wondered if it wouldn't be profitable - for getting Italian friends, becoming independent of Byzantium, a claiming your King title - to convert to Catholicism.

And I believe that's not all, but hey, I'm not the expert! :rofl:

Click to expand...

Yes, I am Orthodox, but changing your religion is a tricky stunt in CK. Haven't figured it out yet.

This is frustrating. I've played a few more years. Unfortunately, there was a CTD. Then, when I tried to type, the forum got insanely laggy and such. I'll write this update to where I last saved, then pick up from there later. Okay?
Our story returns to Campania in February 1094. On the 25th of that month, construction of a sawmill begins in Napoli, at fairly considerable cost, but the Campanian Mafia has many sources of income, and the deficit was made up.
On April 11th, 1094, Anna Spartenos came of age, becoming some kind of "Flamboyant Schemer."
Anna Spartenos: For my next trick, I will pull a rabbit out of a hat.
On June 24th, 1094, a terrifying invasion swept over Napoli. Soon, the sound of ferocious..... bleating..... was heard all over the province. This new threat: GOATS! The four-legged, tin-can-eating invaders were luckily domesticated and eaten by resourceful Campanian peasants. (1)
The next month, Napoli was once more invaded, this time by the somewhat less terrifying CHARCOAL!
Septemper 18th saw the reclaiming of wetlands and forests pushing the prosperity of Consenza upwards, and The Medieval-era Economist listed the province as "Rich."
Despite this, Prince Sergio's pneumonia prevented him from ruling the province effectively, and he granted it to his brother Romanos. The County of Consenza became the third vassal of Campania, and Sergio now only directly ruled two provinces, but that was still one more that he could rule with optimum efficiency. (2)
In Salerno, the local military discovered something. On November 22nd, 1094, they observed that if a man hit a door hard enough, it would fall over. They reasoned if multiple men hit a door at the same time, they could overcome a much larger door. (3) Their new invention for doing this in the easiest manner was called the battering ram.
For the next few months, nothing happened in the Principality. Its neighbors, the Scotsmen occupying Taranto, still hadn't figured out what to do with the province they were holding.
von Loch Ness: *takes sip of whiskey* Any ideas laddies?
Paranoid Tsar: Let's drink hard liquor and see how long we can play Crusader Kings.
von Loch Ness: What the fudge?
Erm.... maybe we should get back to Campania.
On February 24th, 1095, the Longspear (tm) spread to Salerno.
On May 2nd, the "researchers" in Napoli had another idea.
Neapolitan "Researcher": We need to make ourselves look useful. Instead of doing real work, let's pretend an art form used 1,000 years ago by the Romans is something completely new!
Neapolitan "Researcher" #2: Good idea! I think we can dig up some sculptures for that.
Thus was reborn the art of sculpture making. Burghers were so impressed that they didn't notice tolls being raised.
In August, the sawmill in Napoli was completed, and a road network was comissioned. Curiously, creating a paved road was apparently a fairly advanced science, and the rustics in Salerno didn't know how to do it.
On December 13th, 1095, Neapolitan soldiers were attempting to act out Lord of the Rings by Tolkien. The soldier playing Gimli the Dwarf discovered the handaxe. (4)
On February 3rd, 1096, it was becoming clear that Apulia was failing. It had lost Lecce and Messina to some assorted Cyrenaican sheikdoms, and the complete collapse of the duchy seemed possible. Aiming to pick up the scraps, Prince Sergio grabbed a claim on the province of Bari, currently a vassal of the Apulians.
In June 1096, a road network was completed in Napoli. The world was now safe for Enzo Ferrari to be born into it. Sorta.
In November, soil was poorly prepared and prosperity in Salerno slipped back to normal.
In February 1097, Anna Spartenos was the latest Neapolitan courtier to be in demand for a marriage. Prince Sergio gave in, having her married to some dude from Agrigento.

OOC: Here is where I last saved. After this, I had glorious war and somesuch, but then the game crashed. It would be awkward to write that out when the next update would actually be picking up from earlier.

Footnotes:
(1) I think my explanations for new technology are getting sillier.
(2) Pneumonia is a pain in the lungs. Sergio's stewardship skill is just 2. And his heir has pnuemonia and even worse stats. GAAAA!
(3) Isaac Newton would be proud.
(4) Uh... yeah. They're getting sillier all right.

GAAAA! I was just about to write an update, then the computer ate it. But I do have the notes, the CTD seems to be isolated, and an update will probably come later today. Wars and pneumonia continue.

I haven't updated because I was skiing. This will change.
In the previous update, Napoli was invaded by charcoal. Somehow, this means we can now build a mine. On April 16th, 1097, construction begins.
On June 7th, 1097, serious flaws in the Crusader Kings event engine are revealed when Eudokia Spartenos comes down with depression at the advanced age of four.
The next month, armies all over Campania and its Happy Vassal Family™ mobilize and begin collecting in Benevento. If you can guess why, you have both a good memory and an intense grasp of the obvious.
On July 19th, a lack of manure reduces prosperity in Napoli. This random event has the greatest "muffled-laughter" factor in all of Paradox.
The manure shortage does not interrupt plans for glorious war, which are executed on September 9th with the declaration of war on the County of Bari, ruled by a Judith d'Bari.
Ten days later, the proud Campanian tradition of dying just after the start of a war is carried on by Sergio Spartenos Junior. His oldest son, also ill with pneumonia, inherits his throne and his war.
1,600 Campanian troops march into Bari to no opposition, beginning a siege that month.
The siege continued until December 11th, 1097, with the capture of Bari. Isaakios marched into the county's palace.
Prince Isaakios Spartenos: Good evening, gentlemen. All your base are belong to us.
Countess Judith d'Bari: Excuse me?
Prince Isaakios Spartenos: Oh, sorry.
A few weeks later, on December 29th, 1097, the Treaty of Badly Translated Internet Slogans was signed. It granted the title Count of Bari and 25 gold to Isaakios.
The next months saw few interesting developments, besides Slinged Javelins, Road Building, and peace with the pathetic rump state of Apulia. (1)
On March 12th, 1098, Isaakios realized he could not rule the many provinces he now owned. (2) So, he doled out vassalages. Konstantinos Spartenos became Count of Benevento, and Alexandros Spartenos became Count of Bari.
On March 29th, 1098, the chicken was domesticated in Napoli, creating the world's stalest joke.
Neapolitan: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Neapolitan #2: *decapitates Neapolitan #1*
On April 17th, 1098, the elusive Japanese assassin/communist revolutionary Ninja Lenin! *jarring chord* was captured while writing some sort of manifesto.
Judge: The jury has found you guilty of non-government sponsored organized crime, murder, and yodeling, and I sentence you to summary execution by falling anvil.
Ninja Lenin!: It's a fair cop.
*whistle* *splat*
Judge: That was a bit messy.
Thusly, the theives guild in Salerno dissolved.

Footnotes:
(1) Now Apulia has a demense of one province, plus Apulia proper and Malta as vassals.
(2) Either directly or by a vassal: Capua, Napoli, Benevento, Salerno, Bari, and Consenza. This means I am HEIR TO THE BYZANTINE THRONE!