The Crusader Mafia: a Neapolitan AAR

Today's update begins on a frankly rather uninteresting note when on February 24th, 1260, inadequate soil preparation makes Naples less prosperous. Four days later, some domesticated sheep sneak on a boat to Atheniai and spread through the province.
In more international news, on March 26th war begins between Byzantium and the Golden Horde.
King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos: Hey, you're a distant relative, can't you beat the snot out of those Mongols for me?
Emperor Nikephoros Spartenos: Uh.... shouldn't we be doing that anyway?
Fighting soon breaks out all over Armenia.
On June 3rd, King Triakontaphyllos makes a grab for the County of Rouergue, because it lies between the Principality of Bourges and the other Neapolitan parts of France. Two days later, he declares war upon Elio de Toulouse, currently running the county.
On June 28th, platemail was discovered in Napoli.
Back over in the war zone, Neapolitan regiments march into Rouergue, and begin a siege unopposed. This is made possible by Count Elio's baffling decision to march off toward Barcelona with all of his army.
On August 3rd, King Triakontaphyllos' son Rossos comes down with pneumonia, an unwelcome blast from the past to days where half of Campania's prince fell from the illness.
Ten days later, Rouergue's castle falls to the Neapolitan force, and is turned over to King Triakontaphyllos along with 500 gold pieces. Due to his generous nature, King Triakontaphyllos grants the title to Oshin Rurikovich, Count of Toulouse, and makes him Prince of Toulouse as well.
Prince Oshin Rurikovich: Not bad for an Armenian, eh? (1)
On September 12th, large ship building is discovered in Barcelona.
Sailor: Hey, you think we might be able to sail all the way to Armenia in one of these?
On October 15th, war breaks out between Byzantium and the Il-Khanate.
King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos: I think my distant relation might be in a little over his head.... (2)
About a week later, the peasants working at Bari's fishery have a bad year. Since King Triakontaphyllos is generous and trusting in nature, they get loans.
Also, the Kingdom of Germany is breaking apart. Some high school prank had made it an ally of the Kingdom of Naples, but that doesn't mean they get any help.
Then, things get boring. Very boring. Very, very boring.... zzzzzz.......
Oh, wait! On September 26th, 1261, sheep spread to Jaffa.
Also, on October 8th, tapestries were discovered in Venezia.
Tapestry Artist: This one depicts the verdant lands of Armenia...
Knight in Armor: *hits Tapestry Artist with a dead chicken*
On November 29th, King Triakontaphyllos' daughter Irene starts going to wild parties and dating an Armenian. She is admonished by her father.
On December 14th, exotic trading begins in Salerno.
On December 27th, 1261, dysentery infects large portions of Napoli.
Neapolitan Citizen: That's it! I'm moving to Armenia!
On January 4th, Alexandrians start wearing fashion clothes. The end is surely nigh.
February, March, April, May, and June 1262 can be considered "slow news months."
On July 14th, science was discovered in Napoli.
On August 2nd, merchant princes established themselves in Bari for some reason. Eight days later, the Estates General were not called, because King Triakontaphyllos had laryngitis and couldn't talk too loud.
On September 8th, the missile barrage was put into use in Barcelona. On September 25th, there was an evil omen in the sky, which, King Triakontaphyllos tried to persuade everyone, was merely evidence that Armenians were smiling upon him.
On December 12th, 1262, soil is poorly prepared again, this time in Bari. Four days later, siege engineers in Alexandria begin using mangonels.
Siege Engineer: Yep, this honey can fling a rock all the way to Armenia!
On April 28th, 1263, heraldry is discovered in Napoli.
On July 8th, the large castle is discovered in Alexandria, the better to withstand mangonel projectiles.
On July 27th, the longsword is put into use in Roma.
On August 10th, pitchforks and harrows find their way to Venezian farmers.
Over a month later, cathedral schools come into use in Barcelona.
Two motnths later, pitchforks and harrows become popular farming implements in Jaffa.
On December 15th, 1263, the plans for a large castle are drawn up in Napoli.
On February 18th, 1264, it is learned in Venezia that water can be used for power. Two days later, this relatively simple concept causes construction to start on watermills there.
On March 9th, merchants in Salerno start to use double entry bookkeeping.
On May 13th, the heavy crossbow is designed by military scientists in Atheniai.
On June 6th, Athanaisos Spartenos, a young boy in King Triakontaphyllos' court, develops schizophrenia. The logical response is to kill him before his paranoia takes anybody with him (or is it?) and an attempt is made four days later. The kid somehow evades the assassin, but luckily the incident is hushed up. On June 12th, clothmaking spread to Salerno, as it did to Bari on June 29th. So spinning-mills are started in both places on June 30th.
One month later, Steward Tobranna Spartenos is struck with leprosy, which isn't nice, but no more capable courtiers are found for her position even after this.
On November 13th, tapestries are woven in Thessalonike for the first time.
On November 22nd, 1264, Venezia's watermills are finished.
On January 5th, 1265, something called the morningstar is discovered in Alexandria.
After this, the Kingdom of Napoli involves itself in an epic war with the Fatimids, but then a failed Armenian religious ritual causes a meteor to smash into the earth, so our update must now end. (3)

Footnotes:
(1) Yup, the Prince of Toulouse's culture is Armenian.
(2) As it turns out, the Il-Khanates real nasty armies (15,000 horse-archers) are all sitting on their duffs in Bukhara, so Byzantium doesn't have a whole lot to fear.
(3) CTD! My last save is Jan. 5 1265 so we'll work from there next time.

Fiftypence: It'll be hard to forget Iceland: they seem to have decided to conquer northern Sweden for some reason.
J. Passepartout: I must say I wouldn't find a swim in the White Sea especially pleasant. :wacko:
Alhazen: If you say so it must be true! Right, I'll be on the watch for heretics in Bari!

This update starts in the year 1265, on February 1st, with the development of the pike in Barcelona. Funny that you should need to research something so easily found in Northeastern lakes.
On March 3rd, choir songs were discovered in Jaffa. One wonders what exactly the choir was doing before this, but hey.
On March 30th, spinning-mills are completed in Bari and Salerno. Unfortunately, the Bari spinning-mill had been set up in Salerno, and the Salerno spinning-mill had been built in Bari.
King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos: Damned low-bid contractors!
On May 5th, a child of the king (which child? It doesn't matter!) liked to ride horses hard through the woods.
On July 2nd, the nobility are denied prima noctae rights, as per usual. Why do they keep asking?
We have to wait until November 24th for anything remotely exciting to happen, and even then it's something of a stretch. The clergy want alms to give to the poor. Yawn.
On December 18th, 1265, corrupt toll collectors deprive equally corrupt King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos of his rightfully earned cash.
On January 5th, 1266, Neapolitan armies begin mobilizing for a fight against a familiar blue-colored antagonist, whose name isn't the Sheikdom of Lusignan.
On February 18th, dysentery ravages Salerno, frustratingly. A week later, platemail is discovered in Alexandria.
Also, on March 15th it is announced that King Triakontaphyllos' marshal has served him faithfully for years. Good boy, have a dog biscuit.
This update's main event begins on April 7th, 1266, when King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos declares war upon Izzadin of Cairo, King of the Fatimids.
King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos: Just thought I'd jump in here and say that the King of The Fatimids is no longer from Cairo; it fell to my kingdom in the War of the Nile between the years 1215 and 1216. Er, on with the AAR.
So invasion began from Jaffa, Egypt, and Crete, like so....
The first battle of the war begins on April 18th, with the arrival of one Neapolitan army in Ascalon. Another arrives in Acre four days later, soon winning. Three days later, undersized Fatimid regiments counterattack, but are pretty much defeated. Enemy regiments give way in Farama on May 3rd. Five days later Ascalon falls to Neapolitan forces, but the large and well-guarded Fatimid fortress in Acre holds, and will continue to for some time. The flag of the Fatimids is lowered from Farama on May 13th, and one of King Triakontaphyllos' forces moves into Beersheb a week later. On May 28th, armies in both Acre and Jaffa repel more Fatimid attacks, which seem to be never-ending, especially in Acre.
On June 9th, yet another military victory takes place, this time in Sinai. A siege begins.
On June 17th, the Cretan regiments scheduled to seize Momemvasia make their landing. The next day, Neapolitan commanders defeat another Arab army in Hebron. On June 20th, Sinai falls to the Mafia as well.
Meanwhile, in Thessalonike, domesticated sheep are discovered in Thessalonike.
Thessalonian "Researcher:" What use will SHEEP be in my plans for domination? WHAT USE? Bah. Bahhhhhh!
On July 12th, Sudan and Eilat are "liberated" by the Hispano-Greco-Italian forces of the Kingdom of Naples. What, you didn't know they were significant enough to be worth it? Three days later, Beersheb, too, falls to King Triakontaphyllos. In addition, on July 16th King Triakontaphyllos showed heroism, by bombarding enemy regiments with pamphlets reading "YOU IDIOTS! FIND SOME OTHER PLACE TO ATTACK BESIDES ACRE! BESIDES, OUR ARMIES ARE GOING TO LAND BEHIND YOU SOON ANYWAY!"
However, on July 21st the Fatimids retake Ascalon. An affront! Action is soon taken. In an effort to divert attention in the meantime though, King Triakontaphyllos announces a glorious victory in Tortosa, in which a large Neapolitan "second wave" had emerged from the sea.
Journalist: Nope. Nope. Don't like it. Where is this "Tortosa" place? Sounds like you picked it at random, eh?
Neapolitan Propagand.... er, Press Secretary: It is indeed a location in the area of operations, and we've won an important battle there!
Journalist: Really. Well, I happen to know that before this conference you were having a meal of turtle soup. Perhaps you were so desparate to find a name your subconcious put forward a name relating to your favorite food?
Neapolitan Spin Doc..... er, Press Secretary: NO! I need an aspirin....
On July 27th, the battle began to retake Ascalon, and all Fatimids were defeated in the field soon after. The result, of course, was a siege.
On August 3rd, El-Arish fell to the Neapolitan army from Egypt. Hebron raised the Neapolitan flag as well, on August 14th. A week after this, Ascalon was retaken, ending the only successful Fatimid offensive of the war.
On September 5th, a herald of King Triakontaphyllos approaches Count Demetrios Tish, (1) the leader of Naples' armies from Egypt and holder of Farama, Sinai, Eilat, and El-Arish.
Herald: Greetings, Count Demetrios Tish of Farama, Sinai, Eilat, and El-Arish! I represent your liege, King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos of Naples, Venice, Aragon, Navarra, Egypt, Castile, Leon, Portugal, and Mauretania, Prince of Campania, Count of Napoli, Salerno, Bari, Venezia, Roma, Atheniai, Thessalonike, Barcelona, Alexandria, and Jaffa, and acting Count of Ascalon and Beersheb!
Count Demetrios Tish: And what news does the King of Naples, Venice, Aragon, Navarra, Egypt, Castile, Leon, Portugal, and Mauretania, Prince of Campania, Count of Napoli, Salerno, Bari, Venenia, Roma, Atheniai, Thessalonike, Barcelona, Alexandria, and Jaffa, and acting Count of Ascalon and Beersheb bring?
Herald: King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos of Naples, Venice, Aragon, Navarra, Egypt.... ah, screw it. In any case, you are now Prince of Sinai.
The day after that, Kerak fell to the Neapolitans as well, and on September 9th, King Triakontaphyllos showed more heroism.
On September 13th, Darum became yet another new Neapolitan holding. On the 27th, enemy Fatimid armies were also kicked out of Negev.
On October 2nd, the Tartar Free Corps were not hired. Three days later, Negev fell.
On October 19th a field battle was won in Monreal.
Between October 30th and December 10th, Monreal, Monemvasia, Tortosa, and Amman were all liberated.
On December 19th, soil amelioration was invented in Darum. Five days later, peasants in Kerak began using pitchforks and harrows.
On December 30th, 1266, Steward Tobranna Dukas died, possibly because of the realm's plummeting efficiency. Stewards hate that. Also, Acre finally fell to King Triakontaphyllos' men.
On January 12th, 1267, the Fatimids were beaten in Tyrus. On January 27th, Tripoli was liberated. The day after, some marshes and fens got drained in Amman, which is helpful, possibly.
On February 23rd, King Triakontaphyllos comes down with severe stress.
King Triakontaphyllos: You know, the one you can't get rid of by setting things on fire.
On the first day of March, Irbid's fort surrenders to a Neapolitan siege force.
On March 20th, the wartime efficiency issues come to a head, as the replacement steward goes berserk and realm ineffiencies fail to support industry.
Nine days later, Tyrus is liberated, if that makes anybody feel better. So is Baalbek on April 1st.
On a more prosaic note, tapestries are woven in Ascalon on April 12th, and on April 25th a fishing wharf is completed in Tortosa. Three days later, charcoal is discovered in Barcelona, even though this is in no way relevant to anything.
Barcelona Tourist Board Member: HEY!
On May 7th, Safed became another Neapolitan province, just like all the others.
On May 27th, King Triakontaphyllos issues the famous "Finders Keepers Edict," making the spoils from shipwrecks the property of any man who stumbled upon them first.
On June 11th, Damascus fell to Naples.
On June 30th, insurgents in Venezia firebombed the local Court of Justice.
However, Beirut was liberated on July 11th.
At this point, both sides had pretty much had enough, and on July 14th, 1267, peace was signed. The next day, titles were given out, in an order that very few people care about. Anyway, Michael Spartenos became the Prince of Ascalon, Georgios Spondyles became the Prince of Oultrejourdain, Ibrahim Naijar became the Emir of Damascus (2), Euphrosyne d'Alema became the Princess of Tripoli, and Maria Bettino became the Princess of Tyre.
King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos: When I'm short on qualified courtiers, you can tell...
On August 10th, war began against the Sheikdoms of Tiberias and Jerusalem, in a very poorly conducted campaign that ended with the capture of Jerusalem (on June 20th, 1268) and Tiberias (on August 25th.)
Meanwhile, on September 29th, dysentery faded from Napoli, and six days later wastelands and forests were reclaimed in Roma.
On December 13th, however, there was a bad year at the fishery. (3)
On February 20th, 1268, the mangonel became the siege weapon of choice in Napoli.
On March 24th, better uses for local metal were discovered in Venezia.
On April 4th, Marshal Mavros Spartenos died, but nobody liked him. Ten days later, formalized liturgy becomes the latest fad in Napoli, but nobody likes it either.
On July 3rd, the longsword becomes a standard weapon in Bari. Later in the month, extra tolls were collected, possibly due to the intimidation factor presented by the new longswords.
On August 26th, King Triakontaphyllos makes himself King of Jerusalem and Prince of Palestine, and makes his son Rossos Count of Tiberias and Acre, as well as Prince of Galilee.
Three days later, even more extra tolls are collected.
On October 18th, 1268, the entire province of Alexandria becomes infected with malaria, and on that unpleasant note the update ends....


Footnotes:
(1) Tish? What weird kind of last name is that?

(2) Yes, you can grant emirates. Interestingly, the emir in question is one of my most loyal vassals, and I now have vassals of every religion except pagan.
(3) I swear these events happen way more than once a year, as the name of the event implies.

An announcement

J. Passepartout (first comment): That's just the explanation I was looking for, thanks!
BBBD: Armenia seems to be getting fought over by Byzantium and the Golden Horde. I would've intervened if either side got the upper hand in the war, but it became a stalemate.
Fiftypence: But King Triakontaphyllos is generous and trusting.
J. Passepartout: (second comment): Yup. Preferably with "concrete overshoes."

I'm sorry, but the impending Part 50 will be the final update of this story. Dwindling readership and schoolwork demands have made it harder to write up, and it gets harder and harder to deliver new jokes on the same game events. As a send off, I've put a lot of effort into this final update, and I hope you liked it and all the other updates of the tale.

With a great yawn, the King of Naples arose from his bed, at the extremely punctual hour of noon. It was the first day of January, 1269, and the most powerful man in Europe had a hangover about the size of Corsica. He put on some fuzzy bunny slippers, and opened his window shades.
Noticing something outside, he opened a chest of drawers and pulled out a crossbow. The 59-year-old monarch loaded a bolt, aimed at an olive tree outside, and fired.
A voice from the tree shouted “OUCH!” and a man fell off a branch, plugged neatly between the eyes.
King Triakontaphyllos rested the crossbow against the wall, turned around, and saw a man climbing out of the royal wardrobe. Swiftly, the King approached the cloaked stranger, and fired three quick punches, blocking the blows that the stranger tried to send in return. Then the unlikely martial artist grabbed the unsuspecting wardrobe-dweller in a judo throw, and threw him out the window.
At this point, an attendant entered, with a cup of wine, a toothbrush, and a pumice stone for shaving.
“Assassination attempts, my liege?” asked the servant.
“No, just diplomats wanting to marry my daughter,” replied King Triakontaphyllos.
Now somewhat more prepared for the day with his spate of morning exercise, Triakontaphyllos handled his hygiene tasks with something approaching talent, put on a pinstriped blue suit as well as some dark sunglasses, and gingerly stumbled downstairs to the Royal Lunch Room. After eating, he finally regained his alchohol-assaulted sense of balance, and walked to the castle conference room to meet with advisors and vassals.
In the conference room, King Triakontaphyllos drew up a chair and lit a cigarette with the other policymakers.
“Anything to discuss, loyal henchmen?”
“My lord, you aren’t running your contracting scams and Ponzi schemes with the optimum efficiency. It would appear you are trying to govern eleven provinces, when you would be better suited to ten,” replied the realm’s stewardess and the King’s wife, Basilike Abdul. “Also, I’m a loyal henchwoman.”
“And what leads you to this strangely exact calculation?”
“One of my friends told me, my lord,” replied Basilike.
“Who, may I ask?”
“This one,” said the schizophrenic stewardess, pointing to her left ear. “That’s where Tinkles the Cat speaks to me.”
King Triakontaphyllos chose to ignore the fact that Tinkles the Cat had been dead for twelve years, and instead decided to think about finding a better person to oversee the Kingdom’s monies.
Meanwhile, Chancellor Eirene Spartenos had a foreign affairs briefing.
“My lord, the infidels in the Sheikdom of Lusignan are getting stranger - it would appear they have not shed their heathen faith, but they are now ruled by an Occitan. Here’s our dossier.”
“His name is Coat,” observed King Triakontaphyllos.
“Yes, it is. Your point?”
“I don’t know. Maybe he belongs to Mother Russia,” replied the King.
“What are you talking about, lord?” asked the rather confused Chancellor.
“You had to be there, I guess.....”
King Triakontaphyllos stubbed out his cigarette in an ashtray at the center of the table. “Spy Mistress Xene, you have anything to say?”
“My lord, our vassals are all quite loyal at the moment, unsanctioned criminal activities are under control, and Project Sawmill is making a 104 per cent return on investment. Any areas of concern you want addressed?”
“Yeah, sweetie pie. I’m sick of being price-gouged to move my armies. Bump off a boat captain, will ya? It’ll show them, eh?”
“Yes, lord. Should I make it look like an accident?”
“Nah, I want ‘em to know what’s coming to ‘em,” answered King Triakontaphyllos, ending the exchange. He now turned to a cardboard cutout with “Marshal” written on it in black marker. “Marshal Particleboard, anything to say about our armies?”
There were fifteen seconds of silence.
“Didn’ think so,” said the King. He grabbed a yellow legal pad and scribbled: “FIND MORE MALE COURTIERS.”
After that, the meeting broke up, with the primary officials and lesser syncophants without any lines gradually filing out.
Despite his wife’s schizophrenia, King Triakontaphyllos realized that she had a point: he held a few provinces too many. Over dinner that night, he devised the idea of a lottery, the grand prize of which would be the title Count of Bari. So, the day after, it was announced, and hundreds of tickets were purchased. Next briefing, Eirene Spartenos was a little frustrated.
“My lord, you made two mistakes here. One, you didn’t tell me this was how you’d be removing a province from your demense. Two, YOU HAVEN’T FIXED IT! We don’t want any ol’ schmuck to win this, do we?”
“Er, uh, sorry, Chancellor. Who do you think would make a good Count of Bari?”
“That’s your decision, but whoever he is, make sure he enters.”
As such, Prince Niketas Spartenos of Apulia got a phone call later that day.
“Hello, this is the secretary of the Prince of Apulia. The Prince isn’t in right now. Well, now he is. .....moan.... give it to me, Niketas.... er, can I take a message?”
“This is King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos. I have a proposition for him.”
Muffled sounds came from over the phone, as though a hand was place over the reciever. King Triakontaphyllos still was able to hear:
“It’s your liege. ...mmm, right there, that feels nice..... he says he has a prostitution... er, proposition for you.”
The King heard a sound like a phone being passed, then Prince Niketas’ voice.
“.... pant, pant..... Er..... hello, my liege. Excuse me, I’m a bit busty.... er, busy.”
“I presumed that. Now, I want you to buy a ticket for the Bari Mega-Jackpot Lottery. If you win, it’s pure coincidence. That’s all. You can go back to having sex with your secretary.”
“So it’s coitus.... Coincidence! Right on, sire.”
Four days later, the lottery’s outcome was announced. The winner: Prince Niketas Spartenos, now also Count of Bari.
After that ....interesting..... episode, Neapolitan court life got a bit more normal, with the usual shady transactions, financial schemes, and an alarmingly seedy castle maintainance contract.
“So, Archbishop Construction Company, eh? Who runs it?” asked a diplomat from Smolensk upon seeing the trucks pull up.
“Keep this quiet, but it’s actually a front for my son Alexandros, the Archbishop of Almeria. He needs all the help he can get- the dunce won’t have kids, even at age thirty-eight. Celibacy, pfft!” was the King’s answer.
“Well, you get extra points for creativity- tattooed construction workers wearing clerical miters really crack me up,” replied the envoy.
“So, what did you come here for, or do you just like the weather here?”
“I’m announcing the mobilization of Prince Livio Glabas’ regiment in Corfu,” answered the diplomat.
“Excuse me, but may I ask why?”
“The war against the infidels of Al Jazira, which, by the way, you are taking part in also.”
“I am?”
At this point, a man in a parachute landed on King Triakontaphyllos’ head.
The man acted as though this was quite normal, and handed the dizzy monarch a scroll. “Here you are, an offer of white peace from the Emir Wh’ats’his’faace of Al Jazira. Put a little ‘x’ here, please.”
King Triakontaphyllos did so, and the Al Jaziran courier jumped off the castle wall, using his parachute as a device for parasailing.
“Solved quite neatly,” said the King to the Smolensk diplomat.
As the late winter ground on, King Triakontaphyllos decided to review with his stewardess wife means of raising income.
“Got any taxes to raise?” asked King Triakontaphyllos.
“Since Venus is in the fourth house, and a large dog is commanding me to kill, yes,” replied Basilike. “However, we can’t tax the peasants any more because we’ll lose their loyalty, and then they will conspire.... AND PLOT... AND SNEAK! AND KILL ME IN MY ROOM WITH THE FREEMASONS’ DAGGERS AND SING CHANTS TO THE OLD GODS!”
“Burghers?”
“Same story, my lord,” was Basilike’s summary.
“How about the clergy?” asked an exasperated King Triakontaphyllos.
“THEY WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN WITH SATAN’S HELL FIRES!” ranted the stewardess.
“Righty-o then. I suppose we could raise crown duty on the nobles?”
“Yes, yes, yes, they’ve got so many luxuries they won’t notice.... THEY WON’T NOTICE THE TEMPLAR COUP THAT WILL WIPE THEM FROM THE FACE OF THE UNIVERSE!”
“Er, right. Crown duties will go up then. Even though the Templars don’t exist and therefore cannot launch a coup,” finished King Triakontaphyllos.
Also, scutage on the King’s fifty-four vassals went up slightly.
On March 24th, King Triakontaphyllos sent a letter to Elio Cadorna, Governor of Genoa.
To Governor Elio:

Good evening. I trust you enjoyed your spiced ham, sent from Alexandria? I must say I rather liked the German beer traded through your markets. As that idiotic analogy explains, our nations are linked through trade, and this mutually beneficial relationship will only become more profitable if our nations draw closer together. Specifically I suggest that you become a vassal. In exchange for a low, low rate of 5% scutage a month, the Mafia “has your back.” If you refuse my offer..... well, I hope you like getting your kidneys stolen, one by one.​

Yours, King Triakontaphyllos​

He soon replied:
To King Triakontaphyllos:

Actually, my kidneys are currently on sale, at a low, low 100 gold apiece.​

Yours, Governor Elio​

King Triakontaphyllos was upset, and fired off a letter in response:
To Governor Elio:

You’re no fun. What were you before you became Governor of Genoa, an accountant?​

Yours, King Triakontaphyllos​

The Governor had the final word:
To King Triakontaphyllos:

Not a bad guess. Would you like to take advantage of our refinancing deal: no closing costs, and a low, low 0.01% interest rate!​

Yours, Governor Elio​

This frustrated the King to no end, but the next month’s departure of dysentery from Roma cheered him up a bit.
Still, he needed a punching bag for his anger, so he had Chancellor Eirene come up with an obscure claim that made him the rightful Count of Gevaudan. The day after this announcement, he sent a declaration of war to the hapless Gelasio de Milhaud. In addition, he mobilized soldiers from his French vassals.
“8,000 soldiers against 1,509? Does the phrase ‘sandblasting a soup cracker’ mean anything to you, my liege?” asked Duke Oshin Rurikovich, as his suit of armor was put on.
“No, it doesn’t,” replied the King.
While they are marching, the clergy petition King Triakontaphyllos for aid in “times of trouble.” Several were invited to speak with him.
“An’ Jesus say ‘Blessed be the pipsqueaks, fo’ they shall own th’ Earth.’ Fo’ shizzle,” quoted one of the priests.
“I’ve never heard it like THAT before! Hey, I don’t mind givin’ a little, then.”
“Fo’ sho. Thanks, homie dawg.”
Spring continued, with the domestication of pigs in Barcelona, and then the start of battle in Gevaudan. Photojournalists documented the event, but an error happened in the processing lab.
Soon after, King Triakontaphyllos’ schizophrenic wife and stewardess Basilike fell ill.
“You’re fired.”
She was replaced by one Anna Spartenos.
On the 25th of May, a third Neapolitan regiment arrived in Gevaudan, contributing to victory in early June.
The Count of Gevaudan panicked and attempted to send a large suitcase of money to King Triakontaphyllos for peace.
“Thank you for your peace offer, I’m pretty sure I’ve made my thoughts on it clear,” King Triakontaphyllos told the French envoy.
“Er, what’s this smear on the scroll delivering the offer?”
“BYE!”
The castle door then slammed.
The lazy summer days went on with little happening across Napoli, until the first day of August, when the wall of Gevaudan’s castle was breached. Strangely, the top commanders of Gevaudan didn’t seem to be noticing.
“Look, Marshal Tierri, you completely failed to stop our defeat in this war. You’re fired.”
“Not that simple, Count Gelasio. You have to file a form indicating the reason you fired me, I have to file a defense, and you have to cover my unemployment costs!”
Anyway, the next day a massive shipment of BUG-OFF stopped malaria in Alexandria, and on the fifth day of August Gevaudan was annexed and a large sum of money taken by the Neapolitans. So the armies are sent home.
Anyway, over the next few days Count Nikephoros of Auvergne becomes Prince of Auvergne, as well as new ruler of Gevaudan.
On August 12th, King Triakontaphyllos was shopping in Venezia when he found himself short of cash.
“Darn.... I really want this suit of armor. Maybe I should call the Estates General for a quick loan.” So the King searched for a cell phone..... and couldn’t find it. No call was made.
In the middle of August, Anna Spondyles finished her education, becoming a so-called gruff diplomat.
Later in the month, King Triakontaphyllos realized the improvised justice system in Venezia had a hard time getting their verdicts right. So the King ordered a central court of justice constructed, for better manipulation of trials.
Summer retreated into fall with little going on, though another diplomatic briefing came in.
“Yes, Crete is still ruled by Mavros Spartenos, and he still believes he’s guided by a giant hedgehog named Dinsdale,” explained Chancellor Eirene.
“My confidence in my ancestors’ skills at picking princes continues to fall. Anything else?” said King Triakontaphyllos.
“Not really. We tend to monitor war profiteering, not wars, remember?”
In October, a mining operation was started in Barcelona, though the profits were not immediate, and Little Timmy kept falling down the mine shaft.
In early December, as the weather cooled in most of Europe, Basilike Abdul developed pneumonia.
And two days after Christmas, Spy Mistress Xene died of illness. She was replaced by Sofia Spartenos.
“The turnover rate of my officials is getting worrying. Anyway, on to the final diplomatic briefing of the year. I now direct everyone’s attention to Chancellor Eirene,” said King Triakontaphyllos.

(Part 50 continued on next post. Too many pics)

(We now return to The Crusader Mafia- Part 50)

“Well, there’s quite a bit to show you. Here we have the sad state of the Abbasid Caliphate.”
“As you can see their only holdings are two provinces on opposite sides of Europe. Similar fates have befallen many of the large kingdoms. Here we have Poland, beaten to bloody pieces by the heartless infidel, and the Fatimid capital’s amusing relocation.”
“Now wait just a minute, Chancellor,” interrupted King Triakontaphyllos. “I know you’re a fanatical priest, but some Muslims aren’t bad at all- such as the Emir of Damascus, our loyal vassal.”
“Oh,” replied Eirene sheepishly. “Moving on to Karelia and the Rus, we can see that the only pattern is the utter lack of a pattern.”
“You may have forgotten, but we hold the County of Pecs through a vassalization chain.”
“The rest of the Balkan area has experienced little change.”

(Yet again, must be continued in a third post.)

(There are certain times I hate the restriction of images per post. Er, back to the screenies.)

“Elsewhere in Europe, there’s a war going on, but I can’t for the life of me figure it out,” continued the Chancellor.
“Also, Germany’s civil unrest has created an independent Saxony, among other things.”
“Up in pommie land we have a relatively strong England and several valiant but futile efforts to unite Scotland and Eire.”
“The Kingdom of Naples now has more provinces in France than anyone else, but not enough to usurp from the current King of France.”
“May I just interrupt here and ask what on earth the Welsh are doing in Switzerland?” asked Spy Mistress Sofia.
“No, you may not,” replied Chancellor Eirene.
A male attendant yelled “CATFIGHT!” and was soon found dead. Anyway.
“That’s Iberia. It is a rather boring place.”
“North Africa is possibly even less interesting than Iberia, though it would appear whoever doodled on the map was trying to rectify that problem...”
“And my briefing ends. Good day.”
The courtiers left the room, as did King Triakontaphyllos, cigarette dangling from his mouth....
Like his ancestor did, King Triakontaphyllos Spartenos then looked out over the towns and fields of Napoli.... Had things gotten any better since Sergio I? Well if nothing else, it was a hell of a ride getting here, thought King Triakontaphyllos.....

End of Game Stats and stuff

Fiftypence: Thanks for the compliment! And thanks for being one of my most faithful readers. I put a lot of effort (okay, a lot more than I usually do) into the final episode. As for new stuff..... well..... not going to reveal all my cards yet.
J. Passepartout: I am honored. You're a good writAAR and your praise is nice to hear.
Dead William:
BBBD: Epic? I never would have realized!
If I write a new AAR (I might) it will be another comedy, using EU2 rather than CK. My original thoughts were to use Mecklenburg but my mind isn't made up. Thanks to everyone who read this!
Monarch: Triakontaphyllos Spartenos
Tier: Kingdom
Titles: King of Naples, Venice, Aragon, Navarra, Egypt, Castile, Leon, Portugal, Mauretania, Jerusalem. Prince of Campania, Palestine. Count of Napoli, Salerno, Roma, Venezia, Barcelona, Atheniai, Thessalonike, Alexandria, Jerusalem, Jaffa.
Vassals: 53

• 5 Counts
• 2 Archbishops
• 1 Emir
• 1 Duke
• 44 Princes

Total Provinces: 176 (approximately)
Income: 186.34
Manpower: 281,667
Reputation: Respectable (loyalty penalty of 0.5)
Prestige: 6,168
Piety: 1,175
Gold: 73,819
Laws:

• Salic Primogeniture
• Royal Preorgatory (or however that is spelled)
• Regal Supremacy

Advances in Capital Province, in no particular order:

• Bows 4
• Crossbows 4
• Leather Armor 4
• Chain Armor 3
• Plate Armor 4
• Castles 4
• Defensive Tactics 4
• Offensive Tactics 4
• Crush Weapons 3
• Piercing Weapons 3
• Siege Equipment 4
• Farming Techniques 4
• Farming Equipment 4
• Cattle Herding 3
• Handicraft 3
• Mining 3
• Architecture 4
• Power 4
• Commerce Institutions 5 (missing no. 4)
• Fairs and Routes 4
• Trade Practices 4
• Noble Customs 4
• Popular Customs 4
• Schools 4
• Thought 5
• Profane Art 3
• Spiritual Art 3
• Religious Stringency 4
• Religious Flexibility 4

Claims: 24 or 25. Can you tell? I can't.
Ally: Kingdom of Germany
Family Tree:

Black is for dead characters, blue for live as of 1270. Stats are at time of death with all traits. Red indicates reign duration. In keeping with the chauvinistic spirit of the time no females are shown.

That is all. Thank you.

Veldmaarschalk said:

Which program did you use to make the family tree ?

Click to expand...

MS Paint o