The Crusader Mafia: a Neapolitan AAR

J. Passepartout: Well.... you decide.
BBBD: I'd say she's pretty good stat-wise, and so far nobody's got the inbred trait. I'm sorry about your AAR addiction- there are some good support groups for that.
Farquharson: That's a decent explanation, but I've heard the beta people did change it such that you only get retaliations if you are discovered.
Dead William: I'll think it over.... what I really want is for more people to read and comment upon this AAR.
Velasco and billy bob: Not really any chance there- that guy was from an Apulian wing of the Spartenos family that's been separate from the ruling line for several generations. Nor am I certain my realm-management skills are up to the task of ruling Byzantium. Thanks for reading!

I also have to announce my impending vacation, beginning July 9th and ending mid-August. I won't be updating during this time, but you might expect Part 40 before I leave.

We begin in January 1215. King Sviatopolk Spartenos and his wife Christina get right down to business, expecting a child on the 27th.
On February 28th, Athenian armies begin using maces. Crude club-like weapons: the wave of the future.
In March, they translate the Bible in Atheniai, too. Don’t know why; Orthodox rituals are already done in Greek, right? (1)
On April 5th, typhoid arrives in Salerno.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: You know, I really should be King of Naples, Venice, Aragon, Navarra, and Debilitating Plagues.
Advisor: How about becoming King of Egypt instead?
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: But I already have the required provinces for this one! *grumble* Fine, Egypt it is...
But first, he had to watch the newly independent Bishop of Trapani decline a vassalization offer on July 16th. (2)
One month later, King Sviatopolk declared a Grand Mobilization of all the soldiers his vassals could find. (Given the Kingdom’s total manpower was about 110,000, it could also be called a Grand Mob.) It worked, and soon soldiers were readying for war, though it took some time.
On October 7th, 1215, Christina Spartenos had a son, Andronikos.
On November 8th, the mace was put into use in Roma.
On November 20th, 1215, King Sviatopolk Spartenos declared war on the Kingdom of Fatimids. He personally commanded a 10,000 man army headed for Alexandria. Anonymously commanded regiments pitched in. Oddly, the bulk of the Fatimid armies seemed set on holding Monemvasia. Anyway, the Neapolitan armies swept over Egypt like a mint-green tide. The dates of their sieges and battles aren’t recorded, though. (3)
On December 30th, 1215, boiled leather was discovered in Salerno.
On February 15th, 1216, the war continued. While it was doing so, Athenian farmers did a bad job selecting seeds.
On February 26th, the formalized liturgy was put into use in Malaga.
On March 11th, letters of credit were discovered in Roma.
Thirteen days later, Alexandria underwent a major cultural change, becoming Greek and Orthodox. That rocks.
Meanwhile, the Fatimid armies had all ganged up in Monemvasia, and beaten back the Neapolitan forces there. And they then packed up on ships and headed back for Egypt....
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Come on, guys! Siege faster!
Soldier: We’re trying, we’re trying!
In domestic affairs, on May 13th Christina became pregnant. This is suspicious owing to the fact King Sviatopolk is away on campaign.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Maybe all the palace guards should be eunuchs?
*All palace guards cross their legs nervously*
On June 15th, clothmaking was discovered in recently captured Cairo.
On June 29th, Malaga’s Court of Justice got knocked down by some hooligans. Even though soldiers were mobilized in the province and hadn’t gone anywhere yet.....
On July 11th, a Roma inhabitant brought home the bacon, as it were, bringing domesticated pigs to the province.
On July 23rd, the province of Asyut learned of Critical Bible Interpretations, despite being Muslim. Critical Koran Interpretations?
Owing to the return of about 10,000 Fatimids to Egypt, King Sviatopolk decides that Sudan just isn’t worth it. On July 29th, 1216, peace accords are signed in Cairo. The Neapolitans are left with all of Fatimid Egypt except Sudan. The Arabs keep their lands in the Levant, though. For now.....
On August 20th, King Sviatopolk Spartenos proclaims himself King of Egypt. Eight days after, he makes himself Prince of Damietta and Cairo as well. He would also be Prince of Alexandria, but the Byzantines hold two of the provinces he needs for that.
Despite King Sviatopolk’s good stewardship skill, he can’t handle all of Egypt, and so hands portions of it to family members. Beginning September 1st, he makes Draganos Spartenos Count of Asyut, Alexios Spartenos Count of Quena, Aswan, Cairo, and Sarquiya, 3-year-old Michael Spartenos Count of Pelusia, and Phillipos Spartenos Count of Manupura, Gaabiyaha, Delta, and Giza. Alexios is made Prince of Cairo; Phillipos becomes Prince of Damietta.
On September 24th, banded mail is put into use in Barcelona.
On October 16th, the missile barrage tactic spreads to Salerno.
Speaking of Salerno, on October 27th its typhoid is largely cured.
On December 5th, 1216, dismounted knights are used in Buhairya.
Buhairyan “Researcher:” Knights on camels really look a bit silly, so they might as well stay dismounted.
On January 20th, 1217, there is much rejoicing in Bari as the typhoid departs.
On February 5th, Christina Spartenos, wife of the King, dies in childbirth.
In Roma, people are saddened by this, and they get over it by writing romantic poetry on the 23rd.
On March 10th, construction begins on two spinning-mills: one in Alexandria, and one in Buhairya.
On April 15th, soil is inadequately prepared in Thessalonike.
In May, two independent counts, Ronald d’Alema and Malise d’Alema, in Cagliari and Trapani, refuse to become vassals of King Sviatopolk. (4)
On June 30th, Barcelona gets the small pox.
Disease-causing Bacterium: You thought us illnesses were through? No, we’ll keep on infecting and infuriating your provinces and you until you drop dead from frustration! Muahahahahaha!
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Hey, did anyone else hear a tiny voice promising revenge?
Advisor: Kinda..... could have been my cat. I forgot to feed him and now he wants to get back at me.
Disease-causing Bacterium: I hate being only 5 micrometers tall. (5)
On August 5th, a new court of justice is started in Malaga, to replace the one that had been egged during the war.
Then, there are a few slow months, as sometimes happens.
We must wait until December 10th for something worth recording. On that day, the spinning-mills are finished in Alexandria and Buhairya.
Staying in Egypt for a moment, on December 25th, 1215, some windmills are started in Buhairya.
On February 15th, 1218, archers started using reinforced longbows in Malaga.
On March 5th, the mint is discovered in Bari. Please, don’t use this as a jumping-off point for a discussion about inflation in EU2.
On May 5th, there are two events in two faraway places: Malaga’s new court of justice is finished, and full chainmail is developed in Thessalonike.
On July 4th, farmers in Roma begin to use iron ploughs.
A month later, the Bulgarian Eagle Company is not hired.
On September 25th, Buhairya’s windmills are completed.
On October 1st, the first stones are laid for a medium castle in Alexandria.
Four days later, prosperity in Napoli goes up, due to the draining of marshes and fens.
Next, a really slow period.
November 1218: Nothing happened.
December 1218: The record seems rather empty...
January 1219: Happy New Year! *snooze*
February 1219: Not much going on that month.
March 1219: Yawn....
April 1219: Nothing happened.
May 1219: Nope.
June 1219: Aha! Here we go! On June 30th, a smithy was started in Buhairya.
On July 7th, the nobility get “Prima Noctae Rights.”
Noble: Great! We now have Prima Noctae Rights! *whispers to another noble* What exactly are Prima Noctae Rights?
On August 6th, Neapolitan regiments begin using longswords.
On October 14th, the small pox departs from Barcelona. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
On November 19th, 1219, cathedral schools spread to Roma. Took them a while.
After this, Part 40 ends, on January 20th, 1220, to be exact.


Footnotes:
(1) Right? I need to take more history classes... and maybe theology too.
(2) Er... he was in the claimable area of the Kingdom of Naples, ‘twas a one-province county, and my ruler+chancellor diplomatic skill adds up to 29. What is the logic behind all this, anyway?
(3) My fault.... but I had three armies fighting at once, and such. That screenie shows how well I did.
(4) Both splinters from the Duchy of Pisa. And five king titles, 29 diplomatic skill, and all the tricks in the book short of “byzantine” don’t get them interested.
(5) I’m a little shabby on microscopic measurements. Anyone know the size of a bacterium?

Fiftypence: Yes, at the end my reputation was "tarnished" and the badboy factor on vassal loyalty was -3.6% per month. Luckily, Landone died, which got rid of plenty. So did handing out titles in Italy and Egypt. Glad you like the updates.
MrGlaurung: Great! Now, if only the people who hand out the Weekly Showcase loved it too..... nevermind.
J. Passepartout: Hm... no, that nose isn't nice. But it's okay, she had good stats.
Dead William: Oh, come on, changing your sig isn't that hard! And yes, only Judge could make her seem hot. But it would be PG-13....
BBBD: God punishing me? Maybe, it really depends whose side He's on. And don't knock Christina- I didn't pick her!

This is probably this story's last update for a while, on July 11th I go on an epic trans-USA trip to vacation in backwoods Maine. It's been nice.

*main screen turn on*
Guy 1: What happen?
Guy 2: AAR come back.
We return to Napoli in 1220, by which time it has become a somewhat advanced, quite large, and prestigious realm. King Sviatopolk Spartenos even remembers culture, and approves the construction of a theater in Barcelona on January 30th.
Next, Catholic Roma takes advantage of some technological exchange. They learn of Distant Trading (March 25th) and Reserves (March 29th.)
On July 7th, another mercenary company was turned away. King Sviatopolk was later heard muttering something about “MTTH.”
On August 1st, the Marshal of Napoli Modestos Spartenos asks for some prestige and a pay raise.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: That isn’t too modest, is it?
Marshal Modestos Spartenos: I guess not, but I am in line to inherit the Principality of Cairo.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: I’ll give you the money then. Bu only if you change your name.
Marshal Modestos Spartenos: The game mechanics make that hard.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Darn.
On August 15th, people began raising pigs in Bari.
On September 1st, a smithy was finished in Buhairya.
On October 8th, choir songs were discovered in Bari. Before, it seems, the choir had just stood there and operated the cassette player.
On October 19th, some burghers wanted to join Buhairya’s city council. Since Buhairya was an insignificant province, the request was approved.
On November 18th, 1220, something unusual happened in Buhairya.
*alarm clock rings*
Buhairyan: *yawn* Sunday, time to go to church! Hey, I was a Muslim yesterday, wasn’t I? Must have been those mass conversions.... Oh well. *skips off*
On November 12th, Roman archers began to use the composite bow.
Next, the Department of Records fell asleep at the switch for a few months, or something. In any case, on March 1st, 1221, a Medium Castle was finished in Alexandria.
Meanwhile, a talented young woman named Belkonia had finished her education, and become a good diplomat. This meant King Sviatopolk would be deluged with proposals of marriage. However, the King was single, so there was a way around this. On May 10th, 1221, the two were married, and King Sviatopolk received a large bushel of money.
On May 16th, the new diplomatic powerhouse that is the Sviatopolk-Belkonia combination approaches Duke Etienne de Bearn of Armagnac about becoming a vassal. Two days later he says no. (1)
On June 27th, Belkonia becomes pregnant.
On July 14th, the 5200-man regiment from Thessalonike is woken up and put on a ship to Palermo.
At the end of August, Barcelona’s theater opens.
On September 12th, corrupt toll collectors pop up, more to annoy everyone than anything else.
On September 23rd, pike men in Bari were drilled. Here, drilled means “shouted at.”
On October 25th, 1221 the Thessalonikans finally reached Palermo. Their numbers were reduced to around 5,050 as one of the ships had been eaten by a giant squid. As such, the most one-sided war in the Kingdom of Napoli’s history began, with the declaration of war upon the Bishopric of Trapani. It posessed only one province and no allied came to help. However, Marshal Modestos’ army did come on November 5th, and battle started.
And now, the “Clerical Report.”
*Hymns play. Superimposed caption: “The Clerical Report. We’ll have you asleep before the first commercial break.”*
Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Clerical Report. First, the news. The liturgy has been formalized in Thessalonike, as of today, November 16th.
......
That’s all I can think of. And now, back to the war.
On November 29th, the 1,500 men representing the Bishop of Trapani were defeated, and a siege began. It continued until February 14th, 1222, when the city capitulated. Three days later, it was delivered into the hands of King Sviatopolk Spartenos.
On Febrary 20th, in what was beginning to resemble a game of “Hot Potato,” the province of Trapani changed hands once more, being granted to Ioannes Prince of Sicily. It was soon passed to a vassal count.
On March 24th, inadequate soil preparation in Salerno caused its prosperity to drop to simply “normal.” Five days after this, Belkonia Spartenos gave birth to a daughter, who was named Tobranna.
On April 14th, a pretty wench caught the attention of King Sviatopolk. He decided to ignore her.
On July 16th, Thessalonike archers put the Reinforced Longbow into use, possibly due to the T.V. advertisements.
Salesman: Tired of flimsy, poorly assembled longbows? *Black and white footage of a bow breaking, frustrated soldiers* Time for a change! Pick the Reinforced Longbow,™ with 93% greater resistance to snapping! Call now, and get this quiver full of arrows ABSOLUTELY FREE! If you aren’t satisfied with the Reinforced Longbow,™ return it, ABSOLUTELY FREE! But keep the arrows as our gift. CALL NOW!
On August 7th, Bari gets struck by small pox.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Is it just me, or is Bari the most disease-prone province in my demense? (2)
On October 13th, more Buhairyan Burghers want to stop peasants from selling things within the city walls.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Give me a break. If they don’t sell their stuff in the city, where do they sell it? The desert?
Burgher: I guess so. What’s wrong with that?
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: You, there servant! My headache medicine!
On December 13th, 1222, universities are thought up in Salerno.
On December 16th, hedge doctor medicine hurts the already-poor-off son of King Sviatopolk, Basileios.
King Sviatopolk: Idiot. Should’ve stuck to trimming plants. (3)
On December 28th, 1222, another son of the King, Andronikos, takes an interest in religion. This is probably a good thing, as the kid’s studying in a monastery.
On March 24th, 1223, Basileios, the crazed kid hurt by the hedge doctor, develops depression. Bets are placed on how many years he has left.
In April, King Sviatopolk and Belkonia are expecting another baby.
On June 21st, pigs are discovered in Salerno. The above two items are unrelated.
On August 24th, Malagan architects learn that Romanesque vaulting is in fact a building technique, not a fancy way of jumping between two skyscrapers. Soon, a large church is started there.
On November 20th, 1223, a university is started in Napoli.
On December 3rd, the clergy in Thessalonike feel neglected.
Clergyman: I mean, look! We run the Greek Orthodox Church, crown rulers, and give to the poor, and we have only 5% power over Thessalonike governing decisions!
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: Here, you get a pogo stick.
Clergyman: Yay! *bounces off*
King Sviatopolk Spartenos, shouting after him: Consider that 10%!
Later in December 1223, Triakontaphyllos Spartenos is often seen with a renowned merchant, who is allowed into the court. However, he turns out to be nothing special. (4)
On January 4th, 1224, Belkonia gives birth to a daughter, Sofia. One month and one week later, she is once more pregnant, in what might be called a “quick turnaround.”
On March 30th, Siege Towers are developed in Roma.
On August 1st, heraldry comes into use in Bari. Two days later, a good year at the fishery produces some money for King Sviatopolk.
On August 30th, extra tolls are collected at the harbor, making more money for the monarch.
King Sviatopolk Spartenos: I hope the bank I’m keeping it in is reputable.
On September 16th, the longsword is put into use by Salerno regiments.
The first of November sees the completion of Malaga’s large Church. On November 13th, 1224, King Sviatopolk’s wife Belkonia has a son, named Thomas. And our update now concludes.....

Random Tidbit

Krete: the first island run entirely by children.

Footnotes:
(1) Look. My ruler+chancellor diplomatic skill is 32, theirs 15. Also, I have 20 Princes as vassals. Stubborn, aren’t they.
(2) At least, it feels that way, but I haven’t bothered to check.
(3) Really, what is a hedge doctor? Never heard the term....
(4) Stewardship 3. Renowned? For what? At least Triakontaphyllos got a stat increase.

Fiftypence: Yes, Egypt has made me nicely wealthier. And my holiday was a lot of fun. Except for the part where we had to extract a live hummingbird from the rafters.
Dead William: At this point, I probably could match Fatimid armies in a fair fight, but the end of the Egyptian wars saw my armies scattered in the wrong places, whereas the Fatimids had put their soldiers in a sort of huge stack.
Murmurandus: Why, thank you.
J. Passepartout: Nice, but don't quit your day job.
BBBD: Actually there has been a bit less pestilence this installment, a trend I hope will continue.