The HungAARian Tale

[Jopi]

Miklos Horthy (I'm going to skip the accents, to save time and my keyboard) sat in his new office, reading "The illustrated book of nations to conquer; for medium sized countries." The office was a Dictator's Home DeluXe from 1933. It came with all the necessities: High ceiling, minimal lighting, high windows with thunderbolts and rain painted on them. It was also equipped with an escape tunnel, in case of defeat, coup d'etat or an assassination.

Horthy pushed the button on his intercom: "Get everyone here, it's the New Year's Day 1936. Time for an assessment on our country!" Miklos thought this was a good idea. After all, many good AARs had started in the same way. Also, it was his idea, so it had to be good. In a few minutes, everybody was there.

Horthy: "Okay, we should begin with the state of our economy. Laszlo Tomor?"

Tomor: "Uh... State of the echoschnomy, yes. Umm... we have factories and, and companies, and er... I guess it's fine, sir."

Horthy: "I don't think I'm entirely convinced. In fact, I think I'm hardly influenced."

Fabinyi: "You're Hungary for more?"

Fabinyi and Horthy laugh and high-five.

Fabinyi: "Since Tomor is Chief of Air Force and I'm the Armaments minister, maybe I could explain."

Horthy: "Fine. You look just like Tomor here, you know."

Tomor and Fabinyi both gasp in insultednesshoodship (yes, it is a word.)

Fabinyi: "I'm pleased to report that we produce 4,8 extra oil EVERY DAY!?

Horhty: "And..."

Fabinyi: "And what?"

Horthy: "Well, the other stuff. You know, coal, steel etc."

Fabinyi: "Uhh, I think I have to go... To the dentist, yes, to the dentist!"

Horthy: "You're not going anywhere before you reveal you secrets!"

Fabinyi: "We cannot provide enough coal, steel or rubber for our might 40-IC industries."

Horthy's steely gaze locks on Fabinyi, who is suddenly starting to sweat and turn pale. Horthy picked up is Star Wars? Darth Vader? Voice Gizmo?.

Horthy (in Vaderish voice): "The emperor is most displeased with your apparent lack of progress."

Fabinyi (mutters under his breath): "How did this one go? 'May the Force be with you.' No, that wasn't it..."

Tomor (whispers to Fabinyi): "We shall double our efforts."

Fabinyi: "We shall double our efforts."

Horthy (in normal voice): "That's a good boy. Have a biscuit!"

Fabinyi catches the biscuit and eats it.

Horthy: "Right. I think everybody knows what we have to do."

Fabinyi: "Grant more funds to private sector to revitalize the economy?"

Horthy: "What kind of talk is that? I meant of course that we should attack somebody. Besides, my doctor tells me that I should vent my anger every now and then, not the let the feelings build up, you know? This brings us to our next subject: the Army."

Gyula Gömbös (Chief of Army): "Well, our pitiful army numbers 9 pathetic infantry divisions, all in Budapest. I don't think they will survive a day in battlefield. It's all so meaningless; we're doomed to fail."

Horthy: "What the hell is that?! Are you some sort of a Pacifistic coward?"

Gyula Gömbös: "No sir, I'm a Mediterranean defeatist."

Horthy looks at Gyula Gömbös with a pitiful look on his face.

Horthy: "That was the Worst. Pun. Ever."

Gyula Gömbös: "You were asking for it."

Horthy: "Onwards. What about the airforce."

Tomor: "Hardly worth mentioning. On a curious point, it has been organised by an English comedy from the future. Something called Monty Python's Flying Circus."

Horthy: "Weird. Since I'm the Chief of Navy, I think we can skip that one. What about our technology? Minister of Intelligence, Wisdom, and General Cleverness, please."

Henneyey (Minister of Intelligence, Wisdom, and General Cleverness): "Well, we are about to achieve a breakthrough in our project for cure of cancer. Also, our project to remove poverty and hunger is well under way.

Horthy: "All very noble, but have you devised any new ways to kill people more efficiently, like phasers or something?"

Henneyey: "No sir, we haven't given much thought to that."

Horthy: "Well scrap those wimpy projects of yours and get me those phasers!"

Henneyey: *Swallowing* "Yes, sir!"

Horthy: "Good. The meeting's adjourned, we will continue tomorrow. I want everyone to make up at least to two excuses for a war. I want them to be innovative, none of that WMDs and axis of evil stuff you brought me last time, right?"

After everybody had left, Horthy took out a pencil and a paper and wrote to a Swedish company...

And here's the update without the funny bits:

[Wolfhound]

Great start, this is really funny stuff!

[A trooper]

Great start, this is really funny stuff!

Yeah, sure got me laughing.

[Montemurro]

Good start. Really amusing.

[Mr.G 24]

Its good to see your well organised on ure plans

[Jopi]

Horthy is again in his office. Soon he hears a crumbling sound, then people screaming. He could see a tank from his window. Soon, there was a knock on his door.

Horthy: "Who's there? Are you assassin, terrorist or *shivers* one of my cabinet?"
Now that Horthy thought about it, he could think of no difference between the three.

Voice: "None of them. Could I interest you in a little-used tank?

Horthy: "Come in."
He knew immediately he would regret that. The man didn't look like the type you bought used cars from. Or tanks. In fact, he looked like the type who would try to sell you used grenades...

Salesman: "Good evening! My name is Dibblovsky the best and the most honest salesman..."

Horthy: "Cut the crap and get down to business. "

Dibblovsky: "Ah, yes, the tank! An authentic Soviet T-26, made by the loving hands of a labor camp prisoner! She kills, destroys, devastates, crushes and demolishes anything and everything in your way! No enemy tank has destroyed her. And what's best: the old lady who used to own her used her only to drive to the church every second Sunday. And the price, the price! Only 75% of market price! I'm cutting me own throat."

Horthy: "It doesn't look that new..."

Dibblovsky: "She just needs a new coat of paint. NOTHING says Blitzkrieg!! like this baby. It's painted on her hull, you know."

Horthy: "Yes, I can see. It kinda eliminates the camouflage, you know."

Dibblovsky: "With this steel monster under you, your enemies run before you can recite the Bible! It comes with a sophisticated AT soldier -detection system. All free of charge, just for you, I'm cutting me own throat."

Horthy: "I wish you were... How does the detection system work?"

Dibblovsky: "Well, you get close to an AT soldier, and the metal on the hull melts! It works every time. "

Horthy: "Look, pal. I'm going to be frank. I think you're trying to cheat me."

Dibblovsky (surprised): "I'm insulted, nay, hurt by this accusation! I'm an onest man, trying to earn his living! Tell you what, I'll halve the price and give a pair of fur dice as a gift. I'm cutting me own throat. "

Frank Horthy: "I'm not interest... Hey, wait a minute! When I said I was going to be frank I meant frank as in direct way of speech. Change it now!"

Writer: "Sorry."

Horthy: "Hmpf. Like I was saying, I'm not interested. You picked too smart a guy! Better luck next time."

Dibblovsky: "Maybe you're interested in a map for a sunken Spanish galleon. Filled with dublons and jewels! The price is only 2 dollars, I'm cutting me own throat!"

Horthy: "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! I'll be rich, I'll be rich!"

As soon as he got his money, Dibblovsky left, with his diabolical laughter echoing in the hallways of Horthy's palace. So, that concludes this update. Come back for...

Horthy: "Hey! You there! Behind the screen! I've figured out your plan. You're just writing these updates 'cause you're too lazy to play the game beyond the first day!"

Writer: "Uhh... Bye bye, kids, see you next, the same bat time, the same bat channel!"

P.S. The Swedish company Horthy wrote to was Ikea not Paradox Entertainment, like you all guessed! I got you there, eh? We'll never probably know why he wrote there, but maybe that's good, eh? We better stop before I start sounding like Canadian, eh?

[cthulhu]

This is funny Keep up the good work!

[Montemurro]

Hilarious!

[A trooper]

Keep up the good work.

[Mr. Capiatlist]

I like it, nothing like a good Hungarian AAR to warm the blood.

[A trooper]

Are you going for the Axis alliance or the allied alliance?

[Jopi]

A trooper: Probably the Axis, but Hungarian leadership is unpredictable (and mentally unstable.)

Others: Thanks for the support.

[Jopi]

January 2nd, 1936

Miklos Kozma, Security Minister of Hungary entered Horthy?s office. He was wearing a black cloak and a crown; the customary uniform for any Prince of Terror.

Kozma: "Sir, I think we have a problem."

Horthy: "Damnit! How many times I have to tell you that NO weapons in my office!"

Kozma: "Sorry, sir. I?ve just grown accustomed to them. We kill a little bit there and a little bit here, it?s nothing special."

Horthy: "Uh, right. So what?s the problem?"

Kozma: "It seems that our Chief of Airforce, Laszlo Tomor is missing."

Horthy: "You wouldn?t have anything to do with this, would you?

Kozma: "No. I have ordered random executions in nearby towns, but the filthy little bastards won't tell me where he is."

Horhty: "Have you searched his home or asked if any of his friends know about this?"

Kozma: "Searched? We don't do like that, not here. We interrogate and kill people until something comes up."

Horthy: "Maybe you should try more conventional methods first. Besides, those are our manpower, er, people."

Kozma: "Whatever you say sir."


February 4th, 1936

German Ambassador entered Horthy's office.

Ambassador: "I am hier to tell you a joke."

Horthy: "Uh, sure, go ahead."

Ambassador: "Why did the chicken cross die Straße?"

Horthy: "I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Ambassador: "A Panther was chasing it! Ho ho ho."

Horthy (affected laughter): "Hahahaha..."

Ambassador: "So, were you influenced?"

Horthy: "Hardly."

Ambassador: "Damnit. I mean, verdammt! *Sigh* Why do we Germans always have to swear in German?"

Horthy shrugged, and the Ambassador left.


Time: Classified
Place: Classified

Seven figures in black robes and hoods were sitting in a dark room.

Voice: "Why do we have to wear these silly robes? Everybody knows each other, and the nametags don't make any sense. At least we should give up the secret greeting."

Voice 2: "Shut up, Brother Fabinyi. It's all about appearances, if you must know. Anyway, we're here to decide whom we should attack next. Before we discuss that, however, there's something I must tell you."

Another Voice: "That you're married to a rabbit?"

Voice 2: "It's not a rabbit, it's a hare! Anyway, our agents inside Paradox Entertainment have warned us about driving under infl... uh, Spheres of Influence. Basically, they cause a bigger country to attack us, should we attack one of our neighbours. I suggest we enter an alliance with Germany, and then we are free to kick anybody's ass."

Another Voice 2: "Good plan, Mr Horthy!"

Horthy: "Shh! No names!"

Another Voice 2: "I plead for your forgiveness, o Chief Sits-in-the-tree-and-yodels."

Horthy: "Apology accepted, brother Lives-in-an-abattoir-and-yodels. Back to the subject at hand. I propose we should make Yugoslavia our primary target. Their army is at the moment stronger, but we are catching fast. Unfortunately they are in the Italian Sphere of Influence, so the attack must wait. "

Everybody: "Let us bask in you wisdom, o Chief Sits-in-the-tree-and-yodels."

Horthy: "One more question to Brother Mostly-sensible-and-yodels-badly: How is that blood transfusions coming up?"

Brother Mostly-sensible-and-yodels-badly: "It is very hard to acquire decent vampires these day. Most of the vampires just take the blood and fly away. If we still had Transylvania, the job would a lot easier."

Horthy: "We will reclaim what is ours in time. You are dismissed."

[Wolfhound]

Ambassador: "So, were you influenced?"
Horthy: "Hardly."

I like this one

this is truely a great AAR.

[Mr. Capiatlist]

Deutsches man, daß ist sehr humorus.
Ungarn!
Ungarn!