"Ah Astrakahn is a great place to live" I thought to myself as I watched some horsemen play a game of "punch-eachother-in-the-face" while sipping a tall cup of Volga Water. I can not abide the color brown, hate it especially on maps. I also dye my beard red because I heard alot of Tartars do that.
It was January 1492, and I decided to discuss the matters of state with my adjutant.
Me: What's going on here in Astrakahn adjutant?
Adjutant: We only have cavalry in our armies, many of our neighbors hate us, our center of trade generates us 0d per-year, and we have weak fortresses
Me: First, men don't fight off of horses you idiot, second I told stories about their sister, 8 pancakes and a dull spear it's so that they declare war on us you see maybe they will kill us, that'd be fun. Third, what in the glorious name of Allah is "trade"? and wait what about that last one....the word weak that's bad
Adjutant: We need a larger fortress to fight invaders that would come into Astrakahn
Me: ! But I like Astrakahn let's increase those fortress things.
Adjutant: I hate you sir..... (fortress increase in Astrakahn)
In December the entire world went to war against Poland-Lithania, except the one province island of Thrace sitting in the middle of the white goop (Russia, Ryazan, Pskov, Crimea vs. P-L)
March 10 - I have stolen the Golden Kahn's prized blue cup, while my adjutant fails to understand why this is regarded as a royal marraige between our Kahnates, I dye my beard red with nuptialness
March 15- As news of my daring one man cup raid on Volgograd reach the rest of the world they are so shocked they end the fighting which has just begun in Poland (status quo peace)
August 24- Apparently I get to take money from the citizens! I die my beard red with greed and appoint a money-taker-from-citizens-guy (what my adjutant calls a "balif" but that is a dumb name) in Astrakahn
Nov 22- This time the world declares war on Kazan, I dye my beard red with apathy.
Feb 12- Poland-Lithuania and about a dozen goop states go to war against one another
July 30- I discuss foreign policy with my adjutant
Me: I like our neighbor's flag, it has a sword on it I like swords, let's get that flag
Adjutant: We can't they allready have it, and besides our flag, the crescent, proclaims us defenders of Islam!
Me: Yes, but I cant behead someone with the moon.....what if I conquered them then could I get their flag?
Adjutant: No they would get our flag, but you should consider conquering them, it would give us more money and more men, and there would be fighting.
Me: With their superior flag we would invariably lose any war with them.
Adjutant: But sire, they are brown on the map.
Me: BROWN!? I shall dye my beard red in their blood
(I DOW Sibir after mulling it over)
August 23- The mighty flaged Sibir sieges Orenburg, I march my force of 44k cavaliers on them. With them having around 40k I go down to about 8k and he goes down to about 6 but we are routed and turn back to Astrakahn
Jan 18- Reinforced from my initial conscriptions and good public speaking ("There will be liquor, killing, and women to.....wash your clothing and tend to your horses!") I set about regrouping and getting ready for the long haul (Sibir provs have an average supply of about 8)
April 17- A month before my birthday Kazan is annexed.
May 17- My birthday, I dye my beard red with um birth. we destroy the remaning forces in Orenburg with my brilliant strategy of "Kill them!"
June 20- We march on the capital Kurgan, I hope to capture it by the 21st.
Nov 12- Just as I predicted, we have Kurgan before the year is out!
Dec 10- My newly formed buddies back in Astrakahn decide we should make a "Sibir sandwhich" I march in from the East, them from the South and we forget what a sandwhich looks like but kill the 7,000 Sibir cavalry who seem to all have some fixation on Orenburg.
Dec 12- The man of pasty skin declares war on my partner-by-cup the Golden Horde
Jan 1- To celebrate the new year I send a man to the island province in the goop called Finland with this message "Greetings people of Finland, it is time to geeeet down!" and explicit instructions to then get down with his bad self and do some tartaric chanting.
Jan 2- The king of Finland calls for a crusade against Astrakahn, when asked what Astrakahn is and to point it out on the map he is unable to do either. (diplo insult to Finland)
June 23- We go about Sibir slaughtering any little army they can raise with cavalry squads of 6,000 men each, one for the North one for the South, in order for there to be less of a problem when the men not on horses can go for the cities
Sep 1- My adjutant gives me a metal cannon ball that says will make out troops fight better, I bash many a Sibirite on the head with it, that adjutant has good ideas sometimes. The Golden Horde apparently distracted by the cricket game give 0d and Kubyeschew to the pasties, Crimea gets shafted, those brown map bastards I don't know who I hate more!
Oct 1- My cannon ball does not help in our assault on Irgiz but we kill tens of their men!
Jan 16- We kill all the men in Irgiz and a woman dies because she slips on the comically placed fruit rhined we left by that cliff. (we capture the city 3 provinces to go)
June 1- I split the army into two one going to Kurgan and one remaining in Irgiz, this should both protect our captured lands but avoid attrition until I can get reinforcements for the next siege.
July 18- We get beaten back all the way to Astrakahn by small numbers of not-on-horse-fighting-guys, I think it must be the flag, these units had newly sewed flags....yes the flag.....all the flag's fault
Aug 4- they attack us in Astrakahn and are forced to flee in the unclaimed region where my friend Bob McTribal Native slaughters them.
Aug-Dec I move into position in Orenburg and send parties to clear Sibir of armies, it takes a long time for us to be reinforced
Feb 1- trade and infrastructure are now lvl 2, we now get a whole 1d per year in our COT, and adjutant told me that it was foolish to send 5 merchans there
Mar-June I am ready to take Orsk I clear out the remaining Sibirs and prepare some footmo guys to aide in its capture
Jul 19- We begin the 1st siege of Orsk
Aug 23- Myself and our reserves in Orenburg converge on a Sibir force in Irgiz, I see him coming up behind and I give a wave, then he gives a thumbs up, then I do the robot, then he crushes a Sibiry cranium, the enemy is dazzled by my mechanical foot work on the battle field and we easily boogie them off the field, this is done so that my line to the homeland and it's fresh men remains intact.
Dec 23- We take up the siege again after clearing out resistance
May 17- We finally take Orsk I dye my beard read with victory,I love the smell of beard dye in the morning it smells like...a color changing fluid, but more importantly victory!
June- We repeatedly do what is now known as the "Astrakahnate flanking shuffle" and crush any Sibir that should interfere with my stylin' moves
August 1- The adjutant has imported artillery plans from the west, he says you launch a metal ball at walls and they fall down, incredible, I order 10 immediately be built before going on to the final provinces of Sibir
August 17- the guns arrive just in time to test on a light Sibir force, the loud noise scares the dickens out of them and we cut them to ribbons and tie them to our gifts for....there are no holidays in August, I declare that every 17th of the month shall be known as Astrakahn-Shoot-Sibir-Disco-Red Beard-Birthday-Bash-Day, and it is, I have an ice cold water to celebrate the new occasion
Another century another province from Sibir
Apr 21We scare off attacks with our guns and march right up to the Northern province
Aug 13- We rush the fort, covered by the guns the walls crumble leaving some wet trousered Sibir to be cut up
Dec 2- They apparently have 5 guns in their last bastion of brownosity, so we simply mindlessly attack and have all "infantry" or so my adjutant tells me they're called killed in the process
July 20- The fortress falls and we annex the evil enbrowneners and march our armies back home after 7 long years of war
Oct 13- I ally with the Golden Horde because apparently you can annex things without invading them, there should be rebels to crush when I do this uhhh "diplomatatacityolography" thing and pasties will most likely go to war with me, only the first step in the de-browning of the region has begun, there are browner fish to fry than Sibir...