"Guess-the-Author" Analysis and Critiques

#1 Solid, if a bit short. I liked the use of period dialogue...it worked well for me. I did have some trouble with verb tenses, you need to decide between past and present I think. Overall, nice work. Perhaps you were dealing with a time constraint?

#2 I was confused at the start of this, and nothing seemed to act as a good guidepost to steer me back to the story-line. I must echo what others have said and say that spacing that dialogue would probably have helped. You did a good job of portraying the passion in the situation through the dialogue (had me disgusted...which I think was the intent). I think with some formatting work this could become intelligble to me.

#3 Unfortunately for me you've hit upon my reading weakness, I tend to skim if the descriptions get too long. James Fennimore Cooper tempted me to skip entire chapters... That said, I must say I did not expect the hero to be a little boy 'toughening himself up' in such a way. Kudos for the surprise effect! This could be a great setting piece in a larger work. Congratulations on an excellent post.

#4 Wow...let me say it again...WOW. This was masterful. You showed the scene, teased out past details seamlessly with the present action, and held the missing person identity out 'till the end. I was moved by this piece. This could be a magnificent intro or ending to a successful AAR! Excellent work and please keep writing good sir!

Thanks Hajji for hosting this round! Good luck with your computer problems.

TheExecuter

Author 1:

I liked this one.....I do have to agree it is a bit short...one must make certain assumptions because things aren't explained, but that isn't really a problem. Obviously this is a case of a slave girl running away. I would have kind of liked to know what happened to Stella in the end. I fear that in the end, she probably didn't get a full escape. She probably died out there in the wilderness, but at least she died free.

Author 2:

A pretty convoluted way to get rid of a disloyal henchman. I suppose one might do such a thing, but I would imagine it would be far easier to just whack him instead of this twisty plan to rid themselves of him. I like the boy, he's pretty precocious. It's well written, but all in all, I am still surprised that the parents would go to all this trouble instead of just whacking Marshall Eynstein.

Author 3:

Very descriptive, and the writer does a beautiful job of weaving his words into a lovely picture. However......It is pretty hollow. Despite it's beautiful style, it isn't really doing anything. A tremendous amount of prose is all well and good, but it was far too wordy. You spent paragraphs pretty much saying the same thing over and over again with different words. Yes, it's dark and kind of spooky scary. We get that...In the end it is just a boy's imagination and he comes home to his father and a hot meal. A lot of description to get to a pretty end was kind of a let down. Pretty words, well written, but in the end it was a wordy tale with no real climax. I am sorry, but all the pretty words in the world doesn't make this a good story. A little of fluff and filler to a three paragraph end that is the real meat of the story. A lot of potential here, if this writer could get to the point. Descriptive is all well and good, but you have to be able to keep it in check or you run the risk of burying the point in the fluff. IT isn't a BAD story, but it could be so much better if much of the descriptive fluff were removed. All that just made the end anticlimatic.

Author 4:

Not a bad story. A brief description of the past to weave it in with the present. I would have liked a bit more about Robert and what really drives him. He walks out because of others talking about a war in the past that he seems to have been involved in. But WHY he does it, doesn't seem to be all that clear. Yes, his 'friends' couldn't keep their mouths shut, but what exactly set Robert off? That part seems unclear to me. That is the main crux of the story, and it isn't plain enough, at least for me to comprehend the reasoning for it. Otherwise a pretty decent story.


Another fine effort from the authors. I know I seemed a bit harsh, but all in all it was good stuff from all four of you. I look forward to seeing who is behind the efforts. I am guessing that most of them are from 'new' writers, and as time goes on, your skills will improve. It's true of all of us who have participated in this endeavor. Keep up the good work!

Author 1
I like the mysticism in the piece, where it's hinted that at the very least Stella and Joad's mother know the forces of nature and the wilderness better than the white man. Joad's numbness to the taskmaster seems to be a strength of character at first, but in the end, we see it's not a true strength, but more a bleakness of mind that numbs the good things as well as the bad things that happen.

What I can't seem to place is the way the taskmaster seems to give up on trying to find out more information, but then again, that is not really the point of the story.

Author 2
A conspiracy, I like those! The first part is well written, a panic stricken wife and the husband who seems to take control with a heavy hand. But after the marshal has left, we know that there's more than meets the eye. The final scene shows the true cause and we know that the marshal (now a mere captain) will not return to the keep alive.

The plot itself I like, but there are a few things I think that could be more effective. I believe the scenes would be better if the first scene only hinted subtly at a conspiracy without revealing it completely. The second scene itself was nice in that we can see the boy hiding in plain sight, but it was, to me, a bit superfluous. The last scene, I wouldn't use the "boy of the stables"-phrase. Using the boy's name and mention the smell of horses should be enough to confirm the reader what he already suspected from the second scene. The chosen phrase now reads a bit "out of character" for the point of view (either the count or his unfaithful wife).

Author 3
Oh, to be young again! A surprisingly effective tale of a young man's imagination. I like the play on dawn and dusk and, while superficially similar, are so different when you're lost in an unfamiliar place. The descriptions of the woods and the plight of the survivor are quite vivid, and if some details could not be placed, well, it's a child's imagination after all; it doesn't have to be realistic or consistent at all! I love the way the child concludes that, fun adventures and all, the hot meal and warm bed are after all much to be preferred.

Given the tone and subject of the piece, I don't mind the long descriptive elements. It's a slow piece with lots of detail, but it's effective. For longer pieces though, I think this style will become too cumbersome for a reader in the end.

Author 4
An interesting alternate timeline, though the details are sketchy. Obviously some large Hellenic-influenced hegemony (probably Byzantime Empire or a descendant of that) not too far after war against Normandy. But in the end, those details, interesting as they are, are not really what this is about. This piece offers a nice alternative perspective on those "where were you when Kennedy got shot" memories; here, the protagonist doesn't remember the bigger events, but rather the way they had finally, irrevocably alienated a comrade.

All in all, a bit confusing for trying to get in all the details of the timeline; this would normally not be a problem in a bigger piece where you have more time and space to set up a bit of context. The main thrust, where the personal problems end up more prominent than the "big picture" events, is effective.

Good to see some decent responses to this round!

Author #1

An interesting choice of setting - a rather unusual one, I would think. But, peculiarly, I read this the same day I was thinking of writing a story about slaves. Odd. Anyway...

Generally a good story, I think. Relatively well crafted, told, dialogue, etc. (believe me, if it were bad, I'd say so... constructively! ). I would recommend that in future works the author should hone his talent by "showing rather than telling" -- rather than telling the reader what the boy feels, it's far more engaging to have the boy tell the reader, through his actions or his dialogues. Telling a story mostly through dialogue is one of my favorite means of storytelling.

One additional critique I'd offer is that the slaveowner who was "more bark than bite" is probably not a very realistic portrayal. From a fair amount of study I'd say that there are 3 types of slaveowners -- the brutal ones, who give absolutely no quarter, reigning entirely by fear, the weak ones (and this guy appears to fall into this category) who is so weak the slaves will leave or resist, and who probably will either learn to be brutal, or will very quickly cease to be a slaveholder, or the one who "respects" his slaves and "treats them kindly" but who knows when a slave has gone too far (as this one did) and will be brutal to prove his point, and then will go back to being "respectful". Slaveholders in general (the last category not normally an exception) were very contemptuous of the slaves they held, and regarded them as either subhuman or so low as to not be regarded by the same rules. Therefore, "respect" becomes more as an owner treats his pet with affection, but spanks him when he soils the carpet. I'd think 95% of them would have no problem beating an insolent slave, even if they didn't have the guts to do the same to one of their equals.

Author #2

This is an interesting story, though somewhat disjointed and rushed. I think this series of scenes might be easier to get away with if it were in the context of a larger story where everyone knew who was who and what was going on.

For instance, the king slapping the queen, and her meekly accepting it, refusing later to strike him back (and his willingness to be struck) -- all this speaks to a developed set of characters. It might seem entirely natural if we had that background, but without it I'm tempted to say it's unrealistic. I'm betting it actually fits, but that I can't tell just because I don't know the wider story. I'm sure that wider story would explain more about the mashal who is demoted, etc. It's obvious there's more going on here than what we're told. It's possible to figure it out, but it would come more naturally if we knew the characters from a longer lead-up.

It's well written, and good construction, etc. It's fast-paced, but that's the format we're forced into!

I also liked "The last thing you will see will be your family dangling before you." And I'm impressed that the king had the wherewithall to forestall gratification until he could be sure of the situation. That's a rare but important quality.

Author 1

This nice little piece looks like a postcard with no real intrigue to speak of. It's a snapshot of slaves life, probably somewhere in the Americas. I have mixed feelings about this submission. On one hand I do miss a dramatic tension or surprising twist, on the other it fits the topic pretty well, because the lack of such elements reinforce the sentiment of permanence and hopelessness. The master might be weak (maybe too insignificant, actually) and the fugitive might successfully disappear, this is not bound to change the overall situation. No twist, no surprise.

I don't know what to do with the last comment, either. Makes me think of a storyteller's comment, ala Grimm brothers. I don't see how it fits with the rest of the piece, and particularly with the use of present tense.

Oh, and I don't know if it was intended, but this juxtaposition of “empty” and “full” made me smile. “Not like Joad, who is empty inside and knows it full well.”


Author 2

I admit I had to read it twice. That our noble couple puts up a plot to get rid of a high ranked official is rather clear. It seems that he did kill their eldest and that the countess learned it sleeping with him (probably). This might also be the reason why she accepts her husband slapping her without returning the favor (following this stupid -and I'm polite- proverb: “beat your wife every morning, even if you don't know why, she does.”) The idea is fun and the writing is decent, but I find the plot a bit too sketchy and confusing. Some details are thus barely plausible, like the fact that the boy remains long enough with Hjalmar for the latter to consider keeping him as his very own son without anybody identifying the Count's heir...


Author 3

I think it's rather well written, and the style reminds me of something. I'm almost certain I've read something very similar (not the content, the style), but in French. It is an original and interesting idea, but I still have a few nitpicks. First you keep repeating the same things over and over again (and that too reminds me of something, if only I could put my finger on it). I'm not sure this elaborated discourse about human behavior and feelings toward night and day sounds so natural for a young boy, either. But of course, the narrator could be the now grown-up hero of the story, for instance... My third nitpick is that the end of the piece should be shorter for more impact, in my humble opinion. I would drop the last sentence completely and even the preceding is not that useful. Mere suggestions of the fact that the boy is about to get back into his cozy house would be enough for the reader to spot and imagine the contrast.

Oh, and if the writer isn't an English native, then big kudos!


Author 4

This one strikes me as a part of a greater piece, perhaps a full scale AAR where either Greece or the Byzantine Empire takes over the world -with the exception of a few smelly Norse barbarians. Uh? Sorry Robert, I did not mean...

I like this installment because it suggests a wider scope in the story without making any knowledge of it mandatory (I would like to know more about some events and characters mentioned here, though ), and because it is told with an interesting perspective. As to what is told, the all too common scapegoat story's always all too plausible.


Okay, and now let's read others' comments.

Author #3

I'm not good at guessing authors, because I know so few styles well enough to identify them. I'm not familiar with this style, I think. And so I wonder if either this is one of our well-known authors, trying out a new style, or perhaps a new person (last year or so) whose writing hasn't come to my attention before. If I had to guess, I would pick Coz1, because the name Thomas, and the time frame which I assume for the piece, seem to match what I might expect from a sort of prequel to Into the West.

The setting reminds me of my uncle's ranch, in Paris, Texas. A large spread of land, partly forested, partly tall grass, in which one could get "lost" while being only a short distance from the house. And the fact that he's got blankets leaves me with the impression of a more recent story -- 19th century, perhaps, but not 20th century (where anyone would camp with a sleeping bag, but where no one would have access to that or blankets either if truly lost).

And this also piqued my curiosity because of my search & rescue background (4-5 years, long ago). I found it highly realistic, which is saying something considering I know a bit about the subject.

This one was my favorite of the 3 I've read so far. It's really an expert piece, with a good, balanced, steady style to it. The opening -- the very poetic reflections on man's perception of night and day -- was brilliant.

Great writing, no particular complaints. I think I was a bit distracted by the switching from night into day, and then back again for a second, then back to day and finally into night again. But this could easily be intended, as a way of conveying the mild confusion sure to plague someone in such a condition. I must assume, given the ending, that some of these feelings were imagined, since it sounds like Thomas wasn't really out for 4 days.

Anyway -- excellent! I await hearing who this author was!

Rensslaer

p.s. (after having read the comments of others on this piece) I have to agree with Coz1 and Amric in concept -- there's much more that could have been done with this piece, and these "later drafts" and reworkings would definitely improve the work. And no, it doesn't have a "point" except as a "setting piece" (as someone - TheExecuter? said). It actually reminds me some of the GtA scene I did on Rudolf Hess' escape -- not the story, but the category of scene, more about the experience than for any particular plot-telling purpose. In fact, I probably do scenes like this quite a bit, but their "purposelessness" is redeemed by their subsumation inside a larger, broader work where the plot is obvious. Taking a break, like this, to tell a story about the inner feelings and/or experiences of a character can be quite useful, in that context.

Author #1
I found there was a curious lack of cheer about this piece, that chimes very well with its slave-setting. We don't know for sure that Stella does elude pursuit, there is Joad's own failings. He actually has a certain strength within the familiar comfort of the plantation - he knows he has an advantage over Woody - but he is unable to break free himself. There is a sense of hope in her escape, but only a sense, not the actual thing. It is as if she has been stolen by the fey rather than run away on her own two legs: "she belongs to the wilderness now".

It is interesting to see the use of the present tense. Mostly you pull it off quite well, though there are two places where I think it fails slightly, perhaps slipping into past-tense thinking. In a couple of sentences you say "The old woman is bustling" and "Tom is sitting", when I think it would flow better with the simpler 'the old woman bustles...' and 'Tom sits...'. I might also have tried to find someway to avoid the pluperfect in the following following paragraph (had not run away, hadn't convinced himself), as in such a short piece I found the mixed tense slightly jarring.

Finally, regarding the present tense, I would suggest trying to avoid using words like 'after' or 'then' to describe action. Rather one action should follow the next, and the present tense is in each particular moment. Let me give an example, you write:

"Woody gives Joad a firm shove, and the young slave falls down into the fresh mud. After having a hearty laugh and unsuccessfully attempting to kick Joad in the head, the taskmaster stalks off back to the manor-house."

I would perhaps write:

"Woody gives Joad a firm shove, and the young slave falls down into the fresh mud. He laughs and attempts to kick Joad in the head. He misses, and stalks back to the manor-house."

Notice I also edited out the adverb - there were quite, and generally it is better to try use as few as possible and describe the action rather than adverb it.

In conclusion though, a very effective scene. Brief, but its brevity works for it.

Author #2
I am not quite sure about this tale. There seems to be a fairly complex backstory, but perhaps not enough clarity. What I think is happening is that Johan has snuck away, to create a scene, so Gorm and Sigrid can get the Marshall to lead a patrol so he can be dealt with for being the assassin of an earlier son. Is that right?

There were a couple of typos in the piece also, one of which was actually very confusing - in that in the first sentence we have Count Gorm, but a few lines down we have Orm. This actually made it quite difficult for me to get into the story at the start. Typos are frustratingly easy to make, and for that reason it serves every writer well to check, check, have dinner, go to sleep, go to work, come back home, and then check again. The process of putting a few hours, or even a day or so, between the act of writing and the act of checking can do wonders to enhance editing ability.

As a piece it is mostly dialogue, and the dialogue in each scene flows very well. The near total lack of physical action in the first scene serves to highlight the two occasions when it does occur - the slap, and the action of the marshal giving the count his sword.

The three scene format also works well, though I think the middle scene especially could be tightened somewhat.

Author #3
This is a curious piece, a journey of the imagination rather than of fact. An interesting approach to the subject.

When reading through the one thing that I noticed most often was word repetition. As an example, in the first paragraph alone the word 'night' makes three appearances in just three sentences. That is alot. Words are very easy to overuse. Another example is the word 'chill' being used three times in the first paragraph of the second section. This does grate somewhat, and I would suggest trying to find alternatives. Using that second example, I would keep the first use ('The night had been chill'), but modify the other two instances from 'more chill than the previous two' and 'trying to ward off thes shivering chill' to 'more so than the previous two' and 'trying to ward off the cold'.

I am uncertain that the first section needs to stand apart from the story as a whole. As it is it is almost superfluous, set aside from the boy. I think it would serve the story better if it were included in the full text, and just drifting seamlessly into the second sequence without the artificial break. However, in the context of the piece I think the entire section could be edited down, since although quite a flowery piece of writing I am not sure it pulls its weight in adding to the tale. There is a little too much of it. In the first paragraph again you essentially repeat the same thought in each sentence. That is really not necessary. Once is enough, and is usually more powerful.

The presence of this first passage, with its repetitions, do make the entire piece have a very slow start - the story noticeably gathers pace once the boy is considering his position and his hunger. From then on it flows very nicely indeed, to the revelation this is imagination. I liked the process of discovery there - the voice in the dream - it was very well done bringing out of the imaginary world and into the world or reality. The counterpoint between imaginary hunger and the prospect of hunger being sated in the real world worked well too.

Author #4
This piece is loaded with lots of lovely incidental details that makes you want the author to tell us the history of this intriguing world. What makes it especially fun is that many of the details really are incidental to the main story. They provide atmopshere and aid context, but the story at its heart is simple - the thoughtless actions of a majority in the presence of a minority.

The dialogue went along quite nattily. The phrase 'piped in/up' was used twice, which in the context of this piece was probably once too often - I would probably have not used it for Robert's attempted interjection. It fitted the personality I had of Hector perfectly though.

The main problem I had was there was a contradiction. At the beginning we get the following sentences: "And whenever it was on, didn’t matter if St. Sophia herself walked through the door, no one was taking their eyes off the soccer match. When I walked in that day, there wasn’t a single bit of sound, not one chirp, save the tinny voice of the television. Even Georgios, the loud-mouthed knucklehead, was too engrossed to pay attention." Yet, almost the moment our narrator walks in they start getting into an argument and the television appears almost forgotten. There is no mention, for example, of any on screen action as one would expect if everyone was stuck watching it. Perhaps a pause in conversation as someone tries a shot at goal or something would have kept the television in it, rather than just ignore it having set it up so powerfully. If not, do away with the description.

I think there is still room for a a little editing, and I think there is a quotation marks missing in the last but two paragraph, which is a fairly critical piece of dialogue ('“Got tossed by a horse,” I chimed in. [HERE]Real tragedy. The Norman problem might’ve been solved five hundred years ago if a stupid horse hadn’t been angry…” ).

Author #4

I did like this one, as I do many pieces like this that are just short "video clips" from a normal set of lives interacting with each other in an everyday setting (I think they call it "slice of life").

Like others, I'm left wondering about the overall setting -- the broader picture.

I feel inadequate to expressing my interest in this piece (which is unusual), so I shall simply say I agree with Coz about many of the attractive qualities.

If I have any criticism, it would have to be that the dialogue seems a bit forced -- like the author is trying to fit too many quips and taunts in, so as to show in a few minutes what might in real life take two or three times as long. The dialogue seems rushed, and not to flow quite like I'm used to seeing these bantering sessions happen in real life. Almost like the quirky dialogue I'm used to seeing from a TV pilot episode (first episode), where the "author" is trying to introduce each of the characters in one episode, and to show the audience just a hint of what drives each of them. I suppose this feeling is natural -- that's exactly what you're doing! So, in that respect, this cannot be a very sound criticism, as the absolute most successful television scriptwriters suffer from the very same handicap!

Thanks to everyone! Great round, I think. Very interesting.

And thank you, also, Hajji, for taking the time to run this round.

Rensslaer

Hajji Giray I said:

P.P.S. And congratulations to TheExecuter on reply #1000!

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Isn't it Zebedee's?

Nil-The-Frogg said:

Isn't it Zebedee's?

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Zebedee's the 1000th post in the thread. TheExecutor had the 1000th reply

TeeWee said:

Zebedee's the 1000th post in the thread. TheExecutor had the 1000th reply

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True.

My bad.

Okay.

Let's write on something else, will we?

So...

Who are our winners? Er... I mean our writers.

I would like to thank everyone for their informative critiques, which I will keep in mind as I write in the future, and lavish praise upon Hajji for reviving this fine project.

I suffer from the same sentiments as Quintilian. So: thank you, everybody, for the critiques. And thank you, HG I for revitalising this.

Passepartout was spot on with judging me being hasty (I'd be a terrible Ent o ). For the spacing, I apologise. I have no problems myself in reading large chunks of text, so I didn't keep that in mind. All in all, very useful.

This small story could have been a post in an CK-AAR in Västmanland in the late 11th century. Whenever I use Västmanland, Orm has no parents in CK and I always make up Gorm to be his father.

I tried to use several perspectives and, despite the little action, a high pace. If that didn't work out well, there is always a next time (either in an AAR or in a new "assignment").

Hopefully people matched the end exchange between the count and his wife with

"You may strike me back, my love."
She shook her head. "No, my count, not when you expect it.

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Again, thank you to all the readers for their patience and critiques, and to HG I for the revitalisation of GTA.

A job well done for each of you and thank you for putting in the time to participate in this project.

And defnitely thank you once again to Hajji for running it once more.

I too would like to thank Hajji Giray for putting so much effort into this project, as well as everyone who read and commented! I'll take all the praise and criticisms to heart as well to hopefully improve my writing.

This little piece started because of a story a friend was telling me about her grandfather and his VFW post, which led me to think, "How would something like life in a VFW post be different in an alternate history?" (In this case, if Byzantium survived and thrived) I then ran with that premise, and found myself running into the problem of wanting to go on! I, too, think that its too short of a fragment, and sometime down the road I want to rewrite it as perhaps the start of a short story, allowing the dialogue to come more naturally and without (in my opinion) such a forced ending.

All that said, once again, thank you everyone for your advice and comments, and I look forward to doing this again in the future at some point!

Thanks to Hajji Giray for reviving this. I had been wanting to do a submission to this for some time now. I had apparently forgotten to post my reviews after I wrote them a few weeks, so better late then never.

One thing I find interesting about all four submissions, is that everyone of them take great liberty with the main topic of a missing person. Nobody went for the obvious route of an obvious missing person. #2 was the closest in that regards, until the twist at the end.


AUTHOR #1:
This is written in a very efficient manner. In the first paragraph we learn the whole purpose of the tale. And nothing is unnecessarily drawn out, described or lingered upon. Consequently it has very good pace, and isn't any longer in length than it needs to be.


AUTHOR #2
It could definitely use another proof read. In the first sentence he is Count Gorm, and the rest of the way is Orm. It is certainly dialogue intensive, and that may tend to keep the reader from getting a more complete picture of things, as it's more difficult to successfully create a full scene strictly from dialogue. I like the twist that the missing man idea switches from being the son to the Marshal. After thinking about it, I wonder about the plausibility of the son "hiding" in the stables as part of the plot to get rid of the Marshal, and if that really needed to happen at all if they were just trying to get rid of the Marshal.

AUTHOR #3:
The writer obviously has no idea what he’s talking about!

AUTHOR #4:
Certainly a very inventive take on a missing man theme! Not being able to keep one's mouth shut has caused more trouble and bad feelings in this world. I think a reader might be unfamiliar with what the VFW Post is in the beginning, so a more thorough description might have been better. I think this was my favorite of the bunch.

This is my first submission to Guess the Author, I've been wanting to take part in this for some time now and kept missing it, so it's great to see this thread begin to thrive again.

coz1 said:

I fear that nothing really happens in this story. While reading the ending gives away why that is, I must confess, there is a lack of "sense of urgency" that inhabits the first parts.

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I don't feel every piece has to be a thriller or have fast pace and excitement. I probably could have thrown something more in here to spice it up, but the fact is, spending long hours alone in the woods generally isn't a high paced affair.

coz1 said:

Especially with night...go back through and count how many times the word was used. A thesaurus is a friend and repetition can kill a piece quicker than a bullet to the head.

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I didn't know my writing powers were actually strong enough to drive one towards suicide. The main focus of this piece was a child's view of the woods. The concept for a small child of being stranded out in the woods at night is quite an unbearable one I imagine, so I attempted to reinforce that idea, through repetition.

Quintilian said:

My main criticism is of the reveal at the ending, which I feel contrasts strangely with the pleasantly dark tone at the story's beginning. I think I would have preferred if the perils of the forest were real.

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The problem with a short story is that it has to come to an end sooner rather than later, and a twist is good way to achieve that. I understand your point though, you were comfortably interested in the story and just like that someone turned on the light and ruined the imaginary world.

TheExecuter said:

#3 Unfortunately for me you've hit upon my reading weakness, I tend to skim if the descriptions get too long. James Fennimore Cooper tempted me to skip entire chapters ... This could be a great setting piece in a larger work.

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I do indeed envy those who can say a lot with a little (Chekhov as one example), but if there's one bad habit I've learned from reading Dickens it's being long winded. Your last comment is interesting, and shows the challenge of GTA. It's hard to have to condense the story and subject idea into a short single post on a forum. Had I been writing it for story's sake it would have been a lot fuller and lengthier in nature.

Amric said:

Pretty words, well written, but in the end it was a wordy tale with no real climax. I am sorry, but all the pretty words in the world doesn't make this a good story. A little of fluff and filler to a three paragraph end that is the real meat of the story. A lot of potential here, if this writer could get to the point.

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This is an interesting critique. This tale was never intended to be a thriller or something that had a lot happening to it. I merely intended to set up enough atmosphere and give out just enough information of the surroundings and situation, for the twist at the end to have it's effect. I do admit I could have accomplished this in better fashion, as I've said, being direct and to the point in my writing has never been my strong suit.

TeeWee said:

The descriptions of the woods and the plight of the survivor are quite vivid, and if some details could not be placed, well, it's a child's imagination after all; it doesn't have to be realistic or consistent at all!

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That's precisely what I was striving for. An example is that the survivor leans against a tree with nothing more than a blanket. An adult would likely have tried to build some kind of a shelter or find a more reasonable resting spot.

Nil-The-Frogg said:

It is an original and interesting idea, but I still have a few nitpicks. First you keep repeating the same things over and over again (and that too reminds me of something, if only I could put my finger on it).

My third nitpick is that the end of the piece should be shorter for more impact, in my humble opinion. I would drop the last sentence completely and even the preceding is not that useful.

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My repeating things seems to be a recurring theme. I was attempting to "hammer in" the concept of day vs. night through repetition, almost attempting to give each one a personality so to speak. I've probably overdone it, but I could have used a good night's sleep before that final re-read.

You thought the last part should have been shorter, while another reader wished I had elaborated on it more. That's one of the interesting and challenging aspects of writing for other's viewing, not everyone is looking for the same thing.

Rensslaer said:

The setting reminds me of my uncle's ranch, in Paris, Texas. A large spread of land, partly forested, partly tall grass, in which one could get "lost" while being only a short distance from the house. And the fact that he's got blankets leaves me with the impression of a more recent story -- 19th century, perhaps, but not 20th cent

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The thing that always fascinates me with writing a story, is the unintentional imagery and ideas that the reader gets out of it. Draw a basic shape with some detail, and other's minds will conjure up the rest of the picture and setting. My piece was intentionally done in a vague manner, so it's interesting to hear your description of it being in the American west and Texas. I sort of had the northeast US in mind when I wrote it.

stnylan said:

I am uncertain that the first section needs to stand apart from the story as a whole. As it is it is almost superfluous, set aside from the boy. I think it would serve the story better if it were included in the full text, and just drifting seamlessly into the second sequence without the artificial break..

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Separating the opening sequence was a mistake I realized just after posting it, I'm not sure why I did it in the first place. I would have integrated it into the story as a whole in hindsight.




Thanks to everyone for their comments. I decided to go the unconventional route in writing this piece compared to my normal method. I wanted to add the twist to the end, while at the same time not letting the reader on in the first part of the tale that there was a twist to come. That's a delicate balancing act I suppose. Go too far one way, and everyone is aware this is a just a superficial "dream" and they can't wait to fast forward to the end and see what the story is really all about. Go too far the other way, and people will get so wrapped up in the story, that when the twist comes, it is a let down because it feels like the story ended without any true conclusion.

I'm sorry I missed the cutoff for comments - some interesting stories this time.

Suggestions for the future:

Mob Mentality
Dangerous Liasons
Clash of Civilizations
Child's Play
Reviving the Past
Mapmaking
Days that Shook the World
Rattling Sabres
Disaster Averted
Wasted Potential
Lese Majesty
Successful Conversion
A New Capital
Monopoly