"Guess-the-Author" Analysis and Critiques

Judge said:

I did not mean to be blunt. All were good and nice stories

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I know, i had the same feeling that some stories could have more in them, but the feeling i got from reading them was good. They were well build up, and the theme probably makes for more retrospective stories.

#1

I tend not to criticize grammatical errors because I don’t know if any of the authors’ first language is English so I won’t dwell on the several errors in this story. I found myself irritated while I read the story because some parts were well written and a pleasure to read and then I’d come to a sentence and stumble to a halt because it was unclear who was talking or because of the awkward choice of words being used. For example they are sailing on a bucket and its raining buckets. I think a different way to say it was raining heavily would be a better idea. Also in a short story you don’t want to waste words so when you wrote

“We were off the coast of France having traveled north after leaving port at Cadiz. It was raining buckets and I felt the ship was surely going to flood and sink. Not only that, but the war against Sevilla had been lost and would have to be settled, and the King's son was grievously wounded in the abdomen and trying to heal up while the ship was rocking from side to side violently.”

There’s a repetition in this paragraph in words and information. It’s “raining buckets” and “rocking from side to side”. Both phrases have been used before so you should try saying it differently. Also we already know the kings son is seriously wounded and that Sevilla suffered a serious defeat so there is little reason for this paragraph other than to say you’re off the coast of France in another storm.

So what did I like about the story? Parts of the dialogue flow in a very natural manner. I also liked the way you wrote about the King’s love for his son.

"He's cold, my brave son fighting gloriously, slaying the infidel. Why does he have to die and not the Muslims."

A simple sentence that tells it all.

I also liked this.

“When the courtiers and the King's family learned we had landed at Cornwall, and so soon by their thinking, they came.”

It’s an unusual way to phrase it but it works.

#2

Very well written to put it mildly. I found the characters believable. While most peasants would probably accept the lost of their family I accepted the idea that Marco was so devastated that he would do the unusual and seek revenge against a noble. Strong characterization made everyone distinct and I almost know who I’d like or dislike if I met any of them.

#3

The first time I read this story I didn’t buy into the Admiral doing what he did. But I reread it and realized that I was flat out wrong. You lay a solid foundation and slowly build up a man from having an over sized ego

“The world would be much improved if everyone thought as I did.”

To someone with an over sized ego that hides insecurities?

“But on second thought, he has some audacity trying to appear authoritative when I am standing right before him”!

To someone mentally unstable.

“The admiral rushed to the gundeck. Curse this storm! It's trying to fight like men do! I will show it men are masters of the sea! The admiral found himself in a terrible frenzy. He hoisted cannonballs and fired them uselessly into the waves, one after another, while men screamed behind him of the sinking of the ship. He did this until he was too tired to continue, and then he was standing in a pool of water up to his knees.”

This is really good stuff but as much as I admire this story the last part just does not work!

“But in response, the wind brought the flagship's mast down upon the admiral's head, knocking him into the ocean where he drowned. The admiral had it wrong. Nature has its fair share of pride. What it lacks is pity.”


As others have said its just too abrupt. It’s like building a story just to deliver a punch line. That works better in comedy than drama. A little reworking of that last part and you’d have an excellent story.

#4

About the only thing I can say is bravo. I can’t even find anything to nitpick about. It would have been easy for the characters in the story to become caricatures in lesser hands. We have the wounded hero, kind priest, sweet sister in peril and of course the evil villain. But you pulled it off and each one was believable. You create just the right atmosphere for the story’s setting with your use of secondary characters. I especially liked the guards.
Joe

Storey said:

“The admiral rushed to the gundeck. Curse this storm! It's trying to fight like men do! I will show it men are masters of the sea! The admiral found himself in a terrible frenzy."

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Up to this point, I thought this was an incredible part of the scene! Wonderfully conceived and written. How visionary!

Storey said:

"He hoisted cannonballs and fired them uselessly into the waves, one after another, while men screamed behind him of the sinking of the ship. He did this until he was too tired to continue, and then he was standing in a pool of water up to his knees.”

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This part is what throws me. First, I don't think an admiral would very well remember how to load and fire a cannon -- I'm not sure how often ratings like that made it to Admiral, and it would have been 50 years or more since they'd done it. And it's also really meant to be a several man job to fire those things. I could maybe buy if he did this once, and then broke down.

I'm being too picky by half, but that's often what readers are -- picky! So I think a writer as talented as this one would bring the rest of the story up to where it needs to be by modifying the little "off" things.

Rensslaer

Rensslaer said:

This part is what throws me. First, I don't think an admiral would very well remember how to load and fire a cannon -- I'm not sure how often ratings like that made it to Admiral, and it would have been 50 years or more since they'd done it. And it's also really meant to be a several man job to fire those things. I could maybe buy if he did this once, and then broke down.

Rensslaer

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This is where I allowed the writer a little poetic license. Was he really firing a cannon or had he finally gone off the deep end and imagined he was firing a cannon? What was real at this point? With his ship sinking and his career going down with it was he still sane? Only the author knows so we will have to wait for him to tell us. )

Joe

Storey said:

This is where I allowed the writer a little poetic license. Was he really firing a cannon or had he finally gone off the deep end and imagined he was firing a cannon? What was real at this point? With his ship sinking and his career going down with it was he still sane? Only the author knows so we will have to wait for him to tell us. )

Joe

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And it appears the Author has presented himself

When do we get the results coz1?

Storey said:

This is where I allowed the writer a little poetic license. Was he really firing a cannon or had he finally gone off the deep end and imagined he was firing a cannon? What was real at this point? With his ship sinking and his career going down with it was he still sane? Only the author knows so we will have to wait for him to tell us. )

Joe

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You are quite correct! Who am I to say what a crazy person thinks?

(DON'T answer that!)

Renss

Author #1-

I found it to be quiet an interesting work. You added a lot of background about the battle that the men were returning from, sort of painted in the picture. And the emotion was excellent, felt genuinely sad for the King who lost his son, not in the heat of the battle, but on the long voyage home.

I sometimes have difficulty reading firs person stories, so it threw me off. My only other critique was that it seemed to jump moods in the middle. From the sort of nostalgic look back at the battle, to this tragic scene of the dieing son. I think had the first part not been in it would have held a single mood.

Author #2
~~

I enjoyed this one a great deal. The talk between the two soldiers was easy to follow, but flowed realistically. Don't have much to say on it. Occasionally i had to read back, but that is my problem with 1st person naratives.

#3
~~
I know nothing about the sea, and frankly I don't care if this author did. It was well written. I found the Admiral's insanity to be excellently portrayed. Though the ending was rather sudden, that might have been because you did not want the entry to be too long. At first I thought his innermonologe to be a bit odd, but then you developed it into the mind of a bit of a madman, so the beginning made more sense. Overall excelent.

"Nature has its fair share of pride. What it lacks is pity."

When I find out who you are, I might have to quote you in my Sig.

Author #4
~~

Dark, depressing, just how we like it The detail was excellent, and the events realistic. I found it to be an excellent story. My only critique is that the end seemed somehow empty. I didn't expect Tom to make it, but the extra scene with James seemed to be just sort of their. The rest of the story flowed beautifully, but in the end I felt sort of left off.


~EZ

Oranje Verzet said:

And it appears the Author has presented himself

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I'd be justly proud but no it wasn't me.

Joe

Rensslaer said:

You are quite correct! Who am I to say what a crazy person thinks?

(DON'T answer that!)

Renss

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Since coz is going to make us wait a little longer I’d like to point out that if we were sitting around talking about these stories I think the third would generate the most discussion mainly because of the layers of ambiguity in it. The first story is about a king’s personal and military loss. The second might stir discussion about would a peasant act as the main character did but it also has a clear story line of revenge. The forth might cause you to rail against the unfairness of the world but the third would generate the greatest difference in opinion about what it was about.


You could read it as a straightforward story of a man with too much pride
and not enough ability. Or a man’s decent into madness. Or a morality play on man’s futile contest against nature. Now if he would just rewrite those last couple of lines. And of course you have the question of where does imgination end and madness begin? Good lord I have an over active imagination today. Time to lay off the coffee.

Joe

The third one would definitely generate the most discussion. I thought it was a straight forward descent into incompetence and failure on the admiral's part, though hearing the discussion about insanity made me pause.

I did notice a few problems, like the aforementioned admiral firing cannon after cannon....but I purposefully tried to dismiss them from my mind. As Renn said, I've read a lot of Patrick O'Brian's stuff and so know a little bit about sailing navies, I didn't want to focus on those points in # 1 and # 3 in case the author hadn't. (Shame on you! )

I think that the admiral was mad, myself. I could buy the incompetence theory if the admiral had gone as far as that salute he made the captain do, and no further, but it appears he went further.

I would go along with the idea that the admiral was mad, or at least had lost his grip on reality to some extent.

By the way, when will the authors be revealed?

So...uh... when does the next topic come?

It's great to see the number of visitors, authors and critiquAARs is expanding!

Welcome Fenwick!

Renss

December 1 unless Coz wants to accelerate things. First we have to find out who the current batch of victims are.

Rensslaer said:

It's great to see the number of visitors, authors and critiquAARs is expanding!

Welcome Fenwick!

Renss

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Uh... Hello.

Sooo how do you get to be this new batch?

We have been doing this on a monthly basis right now, Fenwick. At the first of each month, I put out a call for new submissions and the first four I get are in. I might consider accelerating the next topic in any normal month, but with the Thanksgiving holidays coming up in the states, I know forum traffic will slow to the point that it would not be beneficial to have this going full blast during that time.

I will reveal the authors for this last batch Friday evening, thus giving a bit more time for anyone else that wishes to offer their thoughts. Critique away until then.

Hmm, no more critiques? Well, OK. Then I suppose it is time to reveal the excellent authors for this round. And they are:

* * *

AUTHOR #1: anthonyp

• Recommended Reading:

Knight-Mages of Bavaria CK

A brief tragicomedy of Robert de Normandy CK

* * *

AUTHOR #2: CatKnight

• Recommended Reading:

Resurrection: Rebirth of the United States EUII

A Distant Mirror EUII/MES

* * *

AUTHOR #3: Lord J. Roxton

• Recommended Reading:

Meet the Habsburgs EUII

Isles of Glory EUII

* * *

AUTHOR #4: Amric

• Recommended Reading:

Imperial Eagle Rebirth--Roman Empire Reborn Via Sweden AAR (Bronze OscAAR Winner for Best AAR February 2003 - August 2003) EUII

Cyprus: A Trail of Hope EUII

- - - - - - - -

And there you have it. A huge round of applause for our writers! And thank you all once again for joining in and putting your work out there for a bit of criticism. Hopefully all was taken constructively, and given thusly as well. I think it was. And some very good discussion of the work, which I hope will continue through the next week or so.

I also wish to give a very big thanks to Fiftypence, CatKnight, Rennslaer, The Yogi, Director, J. Passepartout, Judge, Oranje Verzet, Amric, Storey and Estonianzulu!!! You guys are truly the glue that holds this project (and in many ways) this place together! I am sure our authors thank you as well.

We had 11 reviews this time, up from 9 in the previous installment. That, sirs, is progress (even if still a little slow for my taste.) And each review, I thought, was very well thought out and showed that attention was paid to detail. Even had a correct guess or two of the authors. Interesting.

So now, let us turn the floor over to the writers and allow them to respond to their feedback. And then let discussion of such ensue. Great work - everyone!!!

And remember - the next round of submissions will begin on December 1st. Keep a look out if you want to have your work critiqued. Meanwhile, I'll be thinking of a topic.

One or two things:

First, I know very little about any naval subjects, besides that attrition in EUII is really annoying and often causes heavier losses than wars do (this was the initial inspiration for the story) and I did very little research, so I apologise for the numerous inaccuracies. One inaccuracy was included consciously, which was the admiral firing the cannonballs into the waves. I really liked this idea and I thought it was important to show the level of insanity the admiral had reached by the end.

Second, I understand what everyone has said about the ending, and it would be the first thing I would change if I were to edit the story. Storey mentioned it would have worked better in a comedy, which this story was originally intended to be, but I thought I'd try something different. The ending was probably a fragment of my former mindset.

Third, yes, the admiral was supposed to be insane, especially toward the end of the story. The idea was that he was extremely arrogant, and also extemely afraid of failure, which is what triggered his descent into madness after he lost the (presumably major) battle mentioned in the first couple paragraphs. So I would say that the main idea behind this story is that arrogance is dangerous (in this case mortally dangerous). The other is that you can't treat nature like a living being.

Like Roxton, I also know very little about naval subjects, but my story was drawn from CK anyway. The basis for the story was in Knight-Mages where King Otto returns home with his son Heinrich, who in that case was already dead, and that was a campaign further east.

The topic reminded me of a lot of wars in Knight-Mages and so I came up with the idea and modified it a bit.

My experience on the water is confined to motor boats and medium size sailboats with a cabin below, so I could imagine the cabin flooding if the water poured into it. I might have done something on land, but its harder to make a coherent whole of a trek home by land.

I made a number of goofs as far as clarity goes, especially with first vs third person, and in general the comments made me realize I have to focus on clarity a lot more, because that is my weakness. Originally I had a whole intro section before they got on the ship but I got rid of that.

When I copied over parts of my old version I think I failed to edit them thoroughly and thats where some of my worst errors were from, such as I vs the General.

For the mariner, I felt that saying mariner over and over would be annoying so I gave him a couple of names because in my mind they were clear but now I realize they weren't.

The idea I was trying to express is that the prince suffered from exposure to the elements as a result of the long trip home by ship, and the prince's death was symbolic of the loss of the war. Setting it at sea allowed me to use the weather as a reflection of the feelings of the characters.

Overall I think I've made a number of mistakes but tried to preserve a coherent whole in both that short essay and in Knight-Mages. I think I've stepped it up a bit in the play, but thats because there are so many fewer words to write and I'm better with dialogue than description, imho.