Wow, it has been some time since I've been around AARland! I am not familiar with any writer's style...
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anonymous4401 said:Wow, it has been some time since I've been around AARland! I am not familiar with any writer's style...
Neither am I, really. I will be surprised if even one of my guesses is accurate.
The first one was very good. It captured the gloom of the situation very well. I am intrigued about the main character and his past... he has been raised by a priest, but he seems reckless and it is interesting how it is expressed that he does not care about any of the villagers but his father.
I like the second one. The part involving the door in the very beginning was amusing. Good dialouge. The ending was a bit sudden, I think it would have been more enjoyable if more subtle mention of the servant/spy had been made before. I believe I know the author of this one.
The third one was... short. And a bit silly, but I like that. The umlauts placed over certain words (as done in The New Yorker) adds to the silliness. Actually, the umlauts are sort of distracting. I liked the descriptions of the dog's various minor actions. Reminds me of some dogs I've had.
The fourth was my favourite. The first person narration was very nice. I am left wondering what precisely the main character will do when the war starts.
I like the second one. The part involving the door in the very beginning was amusing. Good dialouge. The ending was a bit sudden, I think it would have been more enjoyable if more subtle mention of the servant/spy had been made before. I believe I know the author of this one.
The third one was... short. And a bit silly, but I like that. The umlauts placed over certain words (as done in The New Yorker) adds to the silliness. Actually, the umlauts are sort of distracting. I liked the descriptions of the dog's various minor actions. Reminds me of some dogs I've had.
The fourth was my favourite. The first person narration was very nice. I am left wondering what precisely the main character will do when the war starts.
In reading these, it occurs to me that there is a certain obstacle to writing isolated scenes like these, because the reader hasn't yet been drawn into the characters or mood -- it's why tv pilots and first chapters are often so awkward. It makes it more challenging.
#1 dealt with this most ably, I think. Actually, I have to admit, on my first pass I gave #1 short shrift. On reflection, I realize my reaction was "too rich" -- like a dessert you love, but can't quite handle just yet. I find that some AARs I skip by because I see that style (mine might fit in this category!) that tells me -- I will have to invest time in that, and need to decide whether I have the time. But when I went back to it, and took the time to absorb it, I reveled in the richness of it. Evident care to detail, character, atmosphere, etc. I love writing like this. It's very polished, as by an able or experienced writer. A minor criticism is that I had difficulty believing the affability of the exchange between Cale and the constable. You set up a confrontation, then let it drop. Cale had just told the guy off, the guy reacts as expected, but then he's glad to share info with this rude stranger who still hasn't answered the constable's reasonable question and then rides off without another word. If the constable hadn't considered it his job to know, he wouldn't have asked!
#2 is well written, and atmospheric. It's an interesting subject and setting you've chosen, which I also like. I would recommend some setting early in the scene so you can tell more about how things look, and how Jean looks, which would tell you when the story is set. I have to admit, I read through 3/4 of the story before I realized this wasn't a medieval story! And then started wondering if this was a time-travel bit, because it took me a moment to realize that my firm early assumptions were wrong! :rofl: Have him ring the doorbell at the palace gate! Or if you want something more subtle, mention cobblestones on the path, so the reader doesn't imagine a mud track. Or have the fellow adjust his spectacles.
I loved the humor factor in #3. But it wasn't just humor -- you can tell this fellow is a good writer, unlike many writers who rely on silly humor to attract readers. And the twist, about Atjeh, was hilarious. Fits with the method of transport. Though I get the impression (and if I'm correct, you did a good job!) that the king's "throne room" isn't as grand as most we see in these stories.... Kind of like he's the biggest king of the smaller islands. Well done. Short, but that's excusable in this kind of work, I would think.
#4 - Fiftypence, thank you for kindly comparing me to this able writer, though it is not I! The style of dialogue is very similar, though I rarely use first person. Actually, the atmosphere and mannerisms are very like mine, too! Maybe I did write this! No, I didn't... I swear! :rofl: I agree with Fiftypence that the familiarity and the twist are well done. It makes me interested to see what happens next.
Cool first (new) round! Kind of like the 1896 Olympics, eh? Revamping an old classic tradition!
Rensslaer
#1 dealt with this most ably, I think. Actually, I have to admit, on my first pass I gave #1 short shrift. On reflection, I realize my reaction was "too rich" -- like a dessert you love, but can't quite handle just yet. I find that some AARs I skip by because I see that style (mine might fit in this category!) that tells me -- I will have to invest time in that, and need to decide whether I have the time. But when I went back to it, and took the time to absorb it, I reveled in the richness of it. Evident care to detail, character, atmosphere, etc. I love writing like this. It's very polished, as by an able or experienced writer. A minor criticism is that I had difficulty believing the affability of the exchange between Cale and the constable. You set up a confrontation, then let it drop. Cale had just told the guy off, the guy reacts as expected, but then he's glad to share info with this rude stranger who still hasn't answered the constable's reasonable question and then rides off without another word. If the constable hadn't considered it his job to know, he wouldn't have asked!
#2 is well written, and atmospheric. It's an interesting subject and setting you've chosen, which I also like. I would recommend some setting early in the scene so you can tell more about how things look, and how Jean looks, which would tell you when the story is set. I have to admit, I read through 3/4 of the story before I realized this wasn't a medieval story! And then started wondering if this was a time-travel bit, because it took me a moment to realize that my firm early assumptions were wrong! :rofl: Have him ring the doorbell at the palace gate!
Or if you want something more subtle, mention cobblestones on the path, so the reader doesn't imagine a mud track. Or have the fellow adjust his spectacles.I loved the humor factor in #3. But it wasn't just humor -- you can tell this fellow is a good writer, unlike many writers who rely on silly humor to attract readers. And the twist, about Atjeh, was hilarious. Fits with the method of transport. Though I get the impression (and if I'm correct, you did a good job!) that the king's "throne room" isn't as grand as most we see in these stories....
Kind of like he's the biggest king of the smaller islands. Well done. Short, but that's excusable in this kind of work, I would think.#4 - Fiftypence, thank you for kindly comparing me to this able writer, though it is not I! The style of dialogue is very similar, though I rarely use first person. Actually, the atmosphere and mannerisms are very like mine, too! Maybe I did write this! No, I didn't... I swear! :rofl: I agree with Fiftypence that the familiarity and the twist are well done. It makes me interested to see what happens next.
Cool first (new) round! Kind of like the 1896 Olympics, eh? Revamping an old classic tradition!
Rensslaer
Author 1: This was a good story. I liked how Cale was just breezing by everyone on his singleminded quest. The discussion with his father was revealing in that it showed their widely differing worldviews even when they were bothe raised as priests.
Author 2: Pretty good. It seemed like the author was rushing, or jumping to the end, or something, but that didn't destroy the story. The author should keep that in mind, though. EDIT: Perhaps this was the author that coz1 had said had not submitted yet?
Author 3: Highly amusing. It may have been short, and a longer version may have worked well, but this version also worked fairly well. I liked Bjorn and his growing worries as the bottle continued to elude his eyes.
Author 4: Very good story. The first person worked well in that it allowed us to see Jean's state of mind easily, and having him meet up with old friend Carlos allows us to easily discover some of Jean's past, besides the fact that Carlos was probably a good sight nicer than some of the other people that might have been sent. The ending also worked extremely well.
I am going to try a guess, although I am probably going to be wrong.
#1 is RossN
#2 is Lord J. Roxton
#3 is fiftypence
#4 is Rensslaer.
These are just guesses, and highly speculative ones at that, especially the first one, I think, but I could possibly be right on one of them.
Author 2: Pretty good. It seemed like the author was rushing, or jumping to the end, or something, but that didn't destroy the story. The author should keep that in mind, though. EDIT: Perhaps this was the author that coz1 had said had not submitted yet?
Author 3: Highly amusing. It may have been short, and a longer version may have worked well, but this version also worked fairly well. I liked Bjorn and his growing worries as the bottle continued to elude his eyes.
Author 4: Very good story. The first person worked well in that it allowed us to see Jean's state of mind easily, and having him meet up with old friend Carlos allows us to easily discover some of Jean's past, besides the fact that Carlos was probably a good sight nicer than some of the other people that might have been sent. The ending also worked extremely well.
I am going to try a guess, although I am probably going to be wrong.
#1 is RossN
#2 is Lord J. Roxton
#3 is fiftypence
#4 is Rensslaer.
These are just guesses, and highly speculative ones at that, especially the first one, I think, but I could possibly be right on one of them.
Author # 1
Nice, moody piece with a slow build up and satisfying payoff. Description was vivid and nicely detailed, the imagery ably fixed into the readers mind. Cale was effective as your dark, brooding anti-hero, a striking contrast to his priest father. There’s definitely some interesting background between them. While I had no problem with the paragraph that described Cale, I think it would have been more effective if the description was told from the guard’s POV. That could help explain why the guard was so easily cowed and willing to offer information. There are some minor nits, but nothing important. A lesson I learned from writing is ‘less is more’. For example, the line: Dogs were barking on the other side of town, and children were crying in their mothers’ arms for it was all they could do. would be more effective if shortened to something like: Dogs barked on the other side of town, children cried in their mothers’ arms. Shortening it gives the action a sense of urgency, which is what the story sets out to establish. Very well done.
Author #2
This story felt rushed, but that’s the nature of deadlines. Like others, I thought this was a medieval piece until the mention of the ‘Glorious Fatherland’. Perhaps the opening scene could have been modernized. Still, it’s a good story with effective dialogue. I like the fact it involved a small country stuck in the middle of warring powerhouses, with few options at hand. The German spy was a surprise twist. Normally, though, I would recommend establishing the spy character earlier, perhaps as a servant who delivers the wine. The payoff works better when this seemingly innocuous person is the instrument responsible for Luxemburg’s downfall. One suggestion about dialogue, keep it clean by excising extra words. For example: “Although I am sure both sides are going to begin paying attention to us sooner or later.” could be written: “Although I am sure both sides will pay attention to us sooner or later.” Good work.
Author #3
A light-hearted piece with some funny lines and a totally unexpected payoff. The last line of dialogue was an unexpected twist. I guess Bjorn was allowed ten mistakes before dismissal. Not much else to say except that it could have used another edit and perhaps a ‘thesaurus’. The word ‘bottle’ was a little overused. Overused words can be distracting. Enjoyable.
Author #4
This story is a delight. Not only is it told in first person, but in present tense. Two hard forms to master. The dialogue is crisp and fluent and the descriptions are lively and vibrant. The byplay between Jean and Carlos speak of an age old friendship, and works effectively, right up to that wonderful last line. This piece is so strong it’s hard to find fault. My only nit is that it could use a bit of tightening in a couple of paragraphs, but that’s it. Excellent.
Each story presented a unique and compelling twist on a singular theme. Congratulations to all authors.
Nice, moody piece with a slow build up and satisfying payoff. Description was vivid and nicely detailed, the imagery ably fixed into the readers mind. Cale was effective as your dark, brooding anti-hero, a striking contrast to his priest father. There’s definitely some interesting background between them. While I had no problem with the paragraph that described Cale, I think it would have been more effective if the description was told from the guard’s POV. That could help explain why the guard was so easily cowed and willing to offer information. There are some minor nits, but nothing important. A lesson I learned from writing is ‘less is more’. For example, the line: Dogs were barking on the other side of town, and children were crying in their mothers’ arms for it was all they could do. would be more effective if shortened to something like: Dogs barked on the other side of town, children cried in their mothers’ arms. Shortening it gives the action a sense of urgency, which is what the story sets out to establish. Very well done.
Author #2
This story felt rushed, but that’s the nature of deadlines. Like others, I thought this was a medieval piece until the mention of the ‘Glorious Fatherland’. Perhaps the opening scene could have been modernized. Still, it’s a good story with effective dialogue. I like the fact it involved a small country stuck in the middle of warring powerhouses, with few options at hand. The German spy was a surprise twist. Normally, though, I would recommend establishing the spy character earlier, perhaps as a servant who delivers the wine. The payoff works better when this seemingly innocuous person is the instrument responsible for Luxemburg’s downfall. One suggestion about dialogue, keep it clean by excising extra words. For example: “Although I am sure both sides are going to begin paying attention to us sooner or later.” could be written: “Although I am sure both sides will pay attention to us sooner or later.” Good work.
Author #3
A light-hearted piece with some funny lines and a totally unexpected payoff. The last line of dialogue was an unexpected twist. I guess Bjorn was allowed ten mistakes before dismissal. Not much else to say except that it could have used another edit and perhaps a ‘thesaurus’. The word ‘bottle’ was a little overused. Overused words can be distracting. Enjoyable.
Author #4
This story is a delight. Not only is it told in first person, but in present tense. Two hard forms to master. The dialogue is crisp and fluent and the descriptions are lively and vibrant. The byplay between Jean and Carlos speak of an age old friendship, and works effectively, right up to that wonderful last line. This piece is so strong it’s hard to find fault. My only nit is that it could use a bit of tightening in a couple of paragraphs, but that’s it. Excellent.
Each story presented a unique and compelling twist on a singular theme. Congratulations to all authors.
Author 1
This story contained some very nice descriptions and a good vivid tale. It did keep you entertained and hooked from start to the end. Excellent structured story. Must be a skilled writer, the Godfather of AARs is my guess.
Author 2
Again a good story though the mentioning of “huns” and the settings made me picture a medieval scene. Perhaps a bit confusing but the writing was nice. Require some more work to really "lift off".
Author 3
I found this story to be somewhat odd yet funny. A declaration of war through a bottle..well I smiled at the description of the dog fetching items for the king and the final was quite colourful. Not a deep story but it had some moments.
Author 4
A special style indeed. First I was a bit surprised by the style but when reading more I must say I liked this story. A nice dialogue and good lines. Very good writing, well-done.
This story contained some very nice descriptions and a good vivid tale. It did keep you entertained and hooked from start to the end. Excellent structured story. Must be a skilled writer, the Godfather of AARs is my guess.
Author 2
Again a good story though the mentioning of “huns” and the settings made me picture a medieval scene. Perhaps a bit confusing but the writing was nice. Require some more work to really "lift off".
Author 3
I found this story to be somewhat odd yet funny. A declaration of war through a bottle..well I smiled at the description of the dog fetching items for the king and the final was quite colourful. Not a deep story but it had some moments.
Author 4
A special style indeed. First I was a bit surprised by the style but when reading more I must say I liked this story. A nice dialogue and good lines. Very good writing, well-done.
I thought I'd give people the week to have the chance to stop by and notice we are back up and running (schools starting again, and especially the hurricane probably have some folks preoccupied.)
I'd love to see some more critiques, and must say also that I am pleased with the reception so far. Keep them coming.
I'll reveal the authors closer to the weekend and start the process for a new round. I'm not sure this will be a weekly project, unless we have that many people itching to get in on it (from both sides), but even still, I am sure we can do this on a monthly basis. Might almost be best to keep the excitement in it. We'll just have to see.
I'd love to see some more critiques, and must say also that I am pleased with the reception so far. Keep them coming.
I'll reveal the authors closer to the weekend and start the process for a new round. I'm not sure this will be a weekly project, unless we have that many people itching to get in on it (from both sides), but even still, I am sure we can do this on a monthly basis. Might almost be best to keep the excitement in it. We'll just have to see.
Lessee here....
1:
I especially liked the descriptions. Just enough without completely overburdening you. No real surprises, but no real surprise was needed to convey the sense of impending doom and war. The main characters are quite believable, though I was a little confused how Cal knew all this. Is he a Yorkist soldier?
2:
Like the others to me it appeared early on we were dealing with a late medieval setting. It occured to me though this might be intentional: Let us think what we want, then as the facts stop matching our assumptions we're forced to analyze the story more closely. It's a neat trick if it was intentional.
I do think it could have used ... an edit perhaps, maybe some tightening. It's very close to final form, but whereas that final sentence should have stunned me, or alarmed me, or otherwise gotten a reaction out of me knowing Jean was about to die for doing the right thing...it had little effect.
3:
Harder to judge, since I don't do much comedy. It was reasonably amusing though! Some of the humor drifted.
Though it was anticlimactic, from a humor point of view I enjoyed hearing it was Atjeh declaring war since all evidence suggests this is a Nordic country. That made me smile.
4:
I enjoyed this. The conversation was dead-on, and you could feel the mixture of familiarity, tension and sorrow between Jean and Carlos. The last statement was perfect!
If I had any nits, I'd want to know what this 'disaster' on the other side of the world was. Granted it's a side detail and any friendly editor will tell you to skip those, but it distracted me a little not knowing just how much trouble France was in.
1:
I especially liked the descriptions. Just enough without completely overburdening you. No real surprises, but no real surprise was needed to convey the sense of impending doom and war. The main characters are quite believable, though I was a little confused how Cal knew all this. Is he a Yorkist soldier?
2:
Like the others to me it appeared early on we were dealing with a late medieval setting. It occured to me though this might be intentional: Let us think what we want, then as the facts stop matching our assumptions we're forced to analyze the story more closely. It's a neat trick if it was intentional.
I do think it could have used ... an edit perhaps, maybe some tightening. It's very close to final form, but whereas that final sentence should have stunned me, or alarmed me, or otherwise gotten a reaction out of me knowing Jean was about to die for doing the right thing...it had little effect.
3:
Harder to judge, since I don't do much comedy. It was reasonably amusing though! Some of the humor drifted.
Though it was anticlimactic, from a humor point of view I enjoyed hearing it was Atjeh declaring war since all evidence suggests this is a Nordic country. That made me smile.
4:
I enjoyed this. The conversation was dead-on, and you could feel the mixture of familiarity, tension and sorrow between Jean and Carlos. The last statement was perfect!
If I had any nits, I'd want to know what this 'disaster' on the other side of the world was. Granted it's a side detail and any friendly editor will tell you to skip those, but it distracted me a little not knowing just how much trouble France was in.
Author 1: I have to agree with LD about the POV thing. But all in all an enjoyable tale. I also have to agree that it was a rich and detailed story. Not a bad thing, but in such a small format, less can be better. Still I liked it pretty well.
Author 2: I have to concur about the medieval setting. I thought that was where it was until the Huns were mentioned. Which either put the nation in Eastern Europe against Huns of pre EUII times or like Belgium or the Netherlands. Still overall a nice tale even if it kind of strayed from the subject which was a declaration of war.
Author 3: Humorous and the plost twist was nice. Bjorn is probably someone's idiot child that can't be gotten rid of without causing some kind of insult. It reminds me of Lord J. Roxton or even J. Passpartout's work. Or perhaps even Haaf. My money is on Roxton actually.
Author 4: I liked this one best. The near friendship between the emissary<as I think of him>, and Carlos King of Spain and Austria seems quite real to me. It was poignant as well as piquant. If you don't know what it means, look it up.. The give and take between them just made it even more believable that they were closer than just an emissary/ambassador and a monarch. Very well done. The best of them in my opinion.
Which is not to say any of them were bad. They weren't. All, in their own ways, were high quality writing. Each did well.
If you noticed I only guess on one of the authors. I have been a bit too much out of touch to even begin to guess on the others.
Author 2: I have to concur about the medieval setting. I thought that was where it was until the Huns were mentioned. Which either put the nation in Eastern Europe against Huns of pre EUII times or like Belgium or the Netherlands. Still overall a nice tale even if it kind of strayed from the subject which was a declaration of war.
Author 3: Humorous and the plost twist was nice. Bjorn is probably someone's idiot child that can't be gotten rid of without causing some kind of insult. It reminds me of Lord J. Roxton or even J. Passpartout's work. Or perhaps even Haaf. My money is on Roxton actually.
Author 4: I liked this one best. The near friendship between the emissary<as I think of him>, and Carlos King of Spain and Austria seems quite real to me. It was poignant as well as piquant. If you don't know what it means, look it up..
The give and take between them just made it even more believable that they were closer than just an emissary/ambassador and a monarch. Very well done. The best of them in my opinion.Which is not to say any of them were bad. They weren't. All, in their own ways, were high quality writing. Each did well.
If you noticed I only guess on one of the authors. I have been a bit too much out of touch to even begin to guess on the others.
I keep waiting for something else to happen... Amidst my boredom, I decided to give these stories another pass.
I have just re-read #4. This author is very good, and puts elements and threads into even such a small scene that color it very well.
I think the point of view is a bit jarring, because I cannot conceive of how the story is being told. It's not a diary, nor a story to someone else. It's most like he's living the scene out in his own mind, which may be what is intended. In any case, it is well done.
The first time through, I didn't catch the exact phrasing at the end. And in a tale such as this, the exact phrasing is what matters. Is this man, Jean, suggesting that he would betray his king once his final duty is done? And I must further wonder about the friendship Carlos and Jean have -- it seems quite strong, and as a reader I am intrigued as to how it developed!
Another critiquer said he would like to know what the disaster was, of which they speak. Naturally, I would too. But for a scene of this nature, within these limits, I believe it actually adds to the story, and the mystery, to leave it to our imagination.
Very well done!
#3 is fascinating because it is so short, and so bizarre. I don't know why, because the author does not say, but I get the intense feeling that Bjorn's seaside quest occurs at night among the breakers. He mentions losing fingers... to the General, no doubt!
I get a "Mouse That Roared" feeling from this. Like this Kingdom isn't much bigger than a parcel of land somewhere... or perhaps an island. And are there any more than these three personalities in the "palace"? I gather not.
I love the line about the dog wagging "cautiously" -- I think only a dog lover can understand that phrase, but I do.
And is the dog perhaps a prophet as well? Somehow I sense that the King listens to odd counsel, else why would he premonate that there is a bottle coming?
The King's shifts of mood are funny, and well conveyed. I think with just a bit more polishing, this scene could be turned into something even funnier and more sublime.
#2 -- I shall offer another point, hoping it will not be taken too harshly. I figure this is a forum for constructive criticism, and that is entirely how this is meant. I would expect honest critiques of my work, when I write, as I think that is how we all grow as writers.
First, I want to compliment the author on what seems a clever foreshadow or allusion... The open door to the palace, juxtaposed with the "open door" left by the liege's servant.
And I like the piece as a whole -- characterization is good, for a very short scene, and the mood and atmosphere of the "small town" palace is well captured. But, as I have seen in a number of AARs, my "suspension of disbelief" is shattered when I see something I consider unrealistic.
I can't quite grasp how they can be talking about Hitler as some maniac unknown from the past, only dimly remembered, who is suddenly on the world scene, but practically behind the scenes. I think almost every citizen of Europe would have been watching very closely (and were, historically) when Hitler took power. He would have to have done so several years before, to be ready for war, so they've had time to become familiar with him and his policies. Hitler's animosity toward the Jews, as spelled out in his widely read bio, was pretty clear to most.
This is a really well written and conceived story, with that one exception. Our confusion about Medieval vs. Modern is no more than a nit, and easily fixed, and that's only if you didn't intend the confusion in the first place to add a little twang! I think if you were to pick a different topic for their conversation, though, then it would be remarkably improved!
I must run... I may get to #1 later. These pieces -- all four -- are strong examples of the quality of writing we see on these fora! Thank you for participating.
Rensslaer
I have just re-read #4. This author is very good, and puts elements and threads into even such a small scene that color it very well.
I think the point of view is a bit jarring, because I cannot conceive of how the story is being told. It's not a diary, nor a story to someone else. It's most like he's living the scene out in his own mind, which may be what is intended. In any case, it is well done.
The first time through, I didn't catch the exact phrasing at the end. And in a tale such as this, the exact phrasing is what matters. Is this man, Jean, suggesting that he would betray his king once his final duty is done? And I must further wonder about the friendship Carlos and Jean have -- it seems quite strong, and as a reader I am intrigued as to how it developed!
Another critiquer said he would like to know what the disaster was, of which they speak. Naturally, I would too. But for a scene of this nature, within these limits, I believe it actually adds to the story, and the mystery, to leave it to our imagination.
Very well done!
#3 is fascinating because it is so short, and so bizarre. I don't know why, because the author does not say, but I get the intense feeling that Bjorn's seaside quest occurs at night among the breakers. He mentions losing fingers... to the General, no doubt!
I get a "Mouse That Roared" feeling from this. Like this Kingdom isn't much bigger than a parcel of land somewhere... or perhaps an island. And are there any more than these three personalities in the "palace"? I gather not.
I love the line about the dog wagging "cautiously" -- I think only a dog lover can understand that phrase, but I do.
And is the dog perhaps a prophet as well? Somehow I sense that the King listens to odd counsel, else why would he premonate that there is a bottle coming?
The King's shifts of mood are funny, and well conveyed. I think with just a bit more polishing, this scene could be turned into something even funnier and more sublime.
#2 -- I shall offer another point, hoping it will not be taken too harshly. I figure this is a forum for constructive criticism, and that is entirely how this is meant. I would expect honest critiques of my work, when I write, as I think that is how we all grow as writers.
First, I want to compliment the author on what seems a clever foreshadow or allusion... The open door to the palace, juxtaposed with the "open door" left by the liege's servant.
And I like the piece as a whole -- characterization is good, for a very short scene, and the mood and atmosphere of the "small town" palace is well captured. But, as I have seen in a number of AARs, my "suspension of disbelief" is shattered when I see something I consider unrealistic.
I can't quite grasp how they can be talking about Hitler as some maniac unknown from the past, only dimly remembered, who is suddenly on the world scene, but practically behind the scenes. I think almost every citizen of Europe would have been watching very closely (and were, historically) when Hitler took power. He would have to have done so several years before, to be ready for war, so they've had time to become familiar with him and his policies. Hitler's animosity toward the Jews, as spelled out in his widely read bio, was pretty clear to most.
This is a really well written and conceived story, with that one exception. Our confusion about Medieval vs. Modern is no more than a nit, and easily fixed, and that's only if you didn't intend the confusion in the first place to add a little twang! I think if you were to pick a different topic for their conversation, though, then it would be remarkably improved!
I must run... I may get to #1 later. These pieces -- all four -- are strong examples of the quality of writing we see on these fora! Thank you for participating.
Rensslaer
I will put up a post a bit later today when I get home from work that reveals the writers and give some rec. reading from their previous and current efforts.
Until then, still some time for a few more reviews.
Until then, still some time for a few more reviews.
If I were to submit work, I wonder what my "recommended reading" would be. Well, I only have 3 AAR's, and whichever was chosen, it wouldn't serve much purpose beyond embarrassing me.
Ah, but embarrass you it might...
I think it's time to divulge who our brave and brilliant writers were:
* * *
AUTHOR #1: Alhazen
Sins of the Father: A Duchy of Apulia AAR CK
* * *
AUTHOR #2: J. Passepartout
The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker:A Rather Silly Tale EUII
* * *
AUTHOR #3: Lord. J. Roxton
Isles of Glory EUII
* * *
AUTHOR #4: stnylan
A History of Lord Roger de Courseulles and his successors - a Somerset AAR CK
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And those are our writers. Please give them a huge hand for putting their work out there for critique, and a wonderful set of scenes they were. Further, I think we had a first here - two brothers submitting work in the same session.
Writers, you may now respond to feedback and I hope discussion will follow through the weekend. Over the weekend, I will offer up a new subject and take PM's for new writers for the next session. You will then have a week to write and the next submissions will be posted that weekend (round abouts the 10th or 11th.)
A very special thanks to Fiftypence, Lord J. Roxton, Rennslaer, J. Passepartout, Lord Durham, Judge, Catknight and Amric for giving critques. Eight people reviewing is not bad (and two were those that wrote for the project.) However, I would hope for more as we continue this project. As I've mentioned before, this project thrives only in the sense that people get good feedback to their work. The feedback was great this time. But the numbers need to rise, in my opinion. If there is little feedback, there is very little reason for people to submit their work in the first place.
I'll keep taking stock of the reaction and we'll see how it goes. I am very pleased with this first effort at picking back up. I am sure many folks had their minds elsewhere this week, and further, it may take some time for others to realize we are up and running once more. Feel free to spread the word.
Congrats to all of our writers. You are brave, indeed. I hope you will come back for more. Write on, and comment on!
I think it's time to divulge who our brave and brilliant writers were:
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AUTHOR #1: Alhazen
- Recommended Reading:
Sins of the Father: A Duchy of Apulia AAR CK
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AUTHOR #2: J. Passepartout
- Recommended Reading:
The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker:A Rather Silly Tale EUII
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AUTHOR #3: Lord. J. Roxton
- Recommended Reading:
Isles of Glory EUII
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AUTHOR #4: stnylan
- Recommended Reading:
A History of Lord Roger de Courseulles and his successors - a Somerset AAR CK
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And those are our writers. Please give them a huge hand for putting their work out there for critique, and a wonderful set of scenes they were. Further, I think we had a first here - two brothers submitting work in the same session.
Writers, you may now respond to feedback and I hope discussion will follow through the weekend. Over the weekend, I will offer up a new subject and take PM's for new writers for the next session. You will then have a week to write and the next submissions will be posted that weekend (round abouts the 10th or 11th.)
A very special thanks to Fiftypence, Lord J. Roxton, Rennslaer, J. Passepartout, Lord Durham, Judge, Catknight and Amric for giving critques. Eight people reviewing is not bad (and two were those that wrote for the project.) However, I would hope for more as we continue this project. As I've mentioned before, this project thrives only in the sense that people get good feedback to their work. The feedback was great this time. But the numbers need to rise, in my opinion. If there is little feedback, there is very little reason for people to submit their work in the first place.
I'll keep taking stock of the reaction and we'll see how it goes. I am very pleased with this first effort at picking back up. I am sure many folks had their minds elsewhere this week, and further, it may take some time for others to realize we are up and running once more. Feel free to spread the word.
Congrats to all of our writers. You are brave, indeed. I hope you will come back for more. Write on, and comment on!
Huzzah for our writers!
Though now that I know who the writers are, it seems painfully obvious to me now.o But such is hindsight.
Though now that I know who the writers are, it seems painfully obvious to me now.
o But such is hindsight.
I want to thank all who participated for the nice critiques, I thought it was very helpful in picking apart a scene I wrote. Although I will say I wrote that in about 15 minutes and put no thoguht into it at all, so forgive my sloppiness!
I agree with the critiques of my piece now that I look at it again. I need to work on my 'less is more' writing..as most of my experience writing came from dungeons and dragons games I tend to hash on the detail pretty thick.. :wacko:
I definately think this is a great exercise for writers to improve their craft, and can't wait to take part again sometime.
I agree with the critiques of my piece now that I look at it again. I need to work on my 'less is more' writing..as most of my experience writing came from dungeons and dragons games I tend to hash on the detail pretty thick.. :wacko:
I definately think this is a great exercise for writers to improve their craft, and can't wait to take part again sometime.
Wow, I actually got one of the authors right!
Congratulations to everyone involved.
Congratulations to everyone involved.
Excellent all around. I thought #1 was Alhazen, but I didn't want to take that chance and be wrong. It would be a good opening to a short story.
J_Pass: I'm really impressed that #2 was yours. Great work. Great twist ending.
Mr. Roxton: I'll admit I'm not familiar with your work but this was a great indicator of the kind of material you write. I'll have to check out more.
stnylan: You really caught me off guard with your present tense. But then, you used it during the last Free Company epic so I should have twigged. More fool me.
Great work coz1. I look forward to the next batch of stories.
J_Pass: I'm really impressed that #2 was yours. Great work. Great twist ending.
Mr. Roxton: I'll admit I'm not familiar with your work but this was a great indicator of the kind of material you write. I'll have to check out more.
stnylan: You really caught me off guard with your present tense. But then, you used it during the last Free Company epic so I should have twigged. More fool me.
Great work coz1. I look forward to the next batch of stories.
Alhazen! I thought I saw a glimmer of you in there somewhere, but if I was going to guess I would have said # 4. Stynlan, I loved your Somerset AAR and hope you can get back to it at some point.
J. Passepartout: As I said I couldn't really tell if making us think it was a medieval scene early on was intentional or not. It's a neat trick if it was. If not, maybe a more obvious clue early on. Well done!
Lord Roxton: I enjoyed your piece. I don't do much with comedic AARs, but I definitely felt for the poor guy. Especially when it was Atjeh DOWing.
Huzzah to all the writers! Great pieces!
J. Passepartout: As I said I couldn't really tell if making us think it was a medieval scene early on was intentional or not. It's a neat trick if it was. If not, maybe a more obvious clue early on. Well done!
Lord Roxton: I enjoyed your piece. I don't do much with comedic AARs, but I definitely felt for the poor guy. Especially when it was Atjeh DOWing.
Huzzah to all the writers! Great pieces!
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