Bruce and Barry get Bushwhacked - an Austrian AAR

Well, I have no excuse for leaving it so long between updates. Hopefully those of you that care about the fate of Liguria will be pleasantly surprised today. And those of you that don't care about Liguria should care, damnit!

...

Chapter 8, Part III
In which its a happy ending at last

July 1581

Scene: The corridors leading to the allies wing of the dungeon. The narrator has blocked a doorway, and is addressing Bruce and Barry, who seem anxious and unhappy.

Narrator: The French war proceeded relatively smoothly for Austria and her allies. In the early months of the war, most of the fighting occurred in the southwest of France. Austria's Poitou army laid siege to Vendee, and was largely ignored while huge French armies fought inconclusive battles against similarly-sized Spanish armies.

Barry raised war taxes, and another large army was recruited in Vienna. By May of 1581 this army was marching towards Liguria, and Bruce was able to conclude a peace treaty with the Papal States, in order to avoid any distractions in Italy. In June 1581, Austria captured Vendee, and moved on to besiege Berri.

Bruce: And then ...

Narrator: Well you know as well as I do what happened then.

Bruce: Yeah, but I knew all the other stuff too, and you still said it.

Narrator: Thats just the way it is. Now go see Jiminez.

Bruce: All right, all right! We were on our way when you stopped us.

The narrator steps aside and Bruce and Barry make their way to the Spanish ambassador's cell. The two enter the cell, to meet with Jiminez de Catres, who is looking older, but is still carrying himself proudly.

Bruce: Whats the big idea with you lot surrendering to France like that?

Barry: Not happy Jan!

Jiminez de Catres: The war against France was your idea, but somehow our troops did all the fighting. It was not in Spain's best interests, so we have withdrawn from the war.

Bruce: Fine. No problem. But what possessed you to surrender Bearn and Roussilon to France?

Jiminez de Catres: It is not unusual to surrender captured territories to achieve peace.

Bruce: Thats true ... But most nations wait until their opponent has actually captured the territories before surrendering them! Don't tell me Spain have gone soft?

Jiminez de Catres: *bristling* Not at all! But the costs of the war must be wweighed against the potential gain. When it came to it, the best we could hope for was to capture a few more provinces full of French people. *he pauses to spit* After they considered further in Madrid, it was decided that we already had to many French scum *spits again* in the Spanish realm, and that we should get rid of a few.

Bruce: I can understand that feeling ... But couldn't you just have launched a genocide in the offending areas, instead of handing them back to France?

Barry: Errr ...

Bruce: *turning to Barry* What?

Barry: Well, its just ... isn't genocide a bit of a no-no? Geneva Convention and all that?

Bruce: *quietly* It hasn't been written yet ... So, Jiminez?

Jiminez de Catres: There has been some debate in Spain, and currently we are of the belief that, as they are Catholics, the French have souls, and it would therefore be sinful to kill them, except on the battlefield. The best way to get rid of them was to hand them over to their own kind, and hope to kill them in the next war.

Bruce: *sighs* I guess there is some logic there ... Somewhere.

...

May 1582

Scene: The staircase leading to the depths of the dungeons.

Narrator: With the Spanish withdrawal from the French war, Bruce took the decision to extricate Austria from the Danes' war against Norway. More troops were recruited in Poitou, and Austrian troops initiated sieges in the French provinces of Guyenne, Liguria and Piemonte. In November of 1581, the inhabitants of Berri realised that their food stocks would be insufficient to see them through the winter, and surrenderd to the Austrians. The victorious troops marched on to lay siege to Limousin.

Finally, on May 11, 1582, The city of Genoa fell into Austrian hands. As soon as they heard the news, Bruce and Barry hurried to see the French Ambassador.

The narrator stands aside, as Bruce and Barry hurry down the staircase, failing to notice his presence. They hurry down to the French Ambassador's cell, and rush in.

Bruce: We think its time we ended the war between our two nations.

French Ambassador: Gentlemen, I could not agree more. Please, sit and share a meal wiz me, while we discuss ze details.

The ambassador offers Bruce and Barry a plate of something unidentifiable.

Barry: Errr ... No ... Thanks. We've, ummm ... just eaten.

French Ambassador: *looking disappointed* Of course ... It has been 'ard for me to get 'old of ze quality produce I am used to down 'ere.

Bruce: To the business at hand ... We will offer you peace in return for the provinces of Liguria and Leinster.

French Ambassador: Leinster? Where is zis Leinster?

Bruce: In Ireland.

French Ambassador: Oh. And we own it?

Bruce: The Portuguese have captured it, but yes, it is a French province.

French Ambassador: Well I 'ardly zink we will miss it. Ze Irish do not even 'ave ze potato yet, so oo knows what zey eat up zere. Liguria iz more valuable, but you 'ave us, 'ow do you say it? Under a barrel, yes?

Barry: Over a barrel perhaps?

French Ambassador: What iz bad about being over a barrel? I zink I am right.

Bruce: The barrel isn't important! .... Do you agree to these terms?

French Ambassador: *shrugs* Of course. Zere is no choice.

Barry: Woohoo! We did it!


Europe after the end of Austria's war against the French.

Wow! I didn't realise it had been quite so long since I had written anything for Bruce and Barry. I'm sorry to anyone who has been waiting impatiently to see what will happen next.

I could offer all sorts of excuses for having left Bruce and Barry to founder for so long, but the reality is that I just needed a break from them. There is an election campaign happening here in Australia at the moment, and that has helped inspire me to return to ridiculing governments, so here we are again

Chapter 8, Part IV
In which astrology is a curse

September, 1584

Scene: The Archducal throneroom. Archduke Rudolf is looking somewhat scruffy, and is referring to some notes as Bruce and Barry enter.

Rudolf: It seems it has been a long time since I have spoken to you two. What news do you gentlemen have for me?

Bruce: Well the good news is that the War of Transylvanian Liberation has been brought to a successful conclusion.

Rudolf: *looks puzzled* Didn't we end that war in the 1570s? You can't claim it as an achievement this time!

Bruce: We signed formal peace treaties during the 1570s, but since then our operatives have been assisting with the Transylvanian Resistance. The rebels have been in control of the province for several years, and in July of last year we were able to convince them to declare their indepedendence from Poland.

Rudolf: Well done. Will we be inviting them into our alliance?

Bruce: Err ... No ...

Barry: Despite our best efforts, the new country of Siebenburgen is a Protestant country ... We are holding out unless or until they become Catholic.

Rudolf: Quite right too. Its bad enough having northern Germany teeming with protestantism without letting it spread into the Carpathians.

Barry: Err ... I think the people of Transylvania have been Protestant for quite some time now ...

Rudolf: All the more reason for their new rulers to set a positive example then! But the Transylvanians weren't who I was asking about ... How did you do with the mission I set you?

Bruce: Didn't you get the memo we sent you?

Rudolf: No ... I was busy with my astrologers.

Barry: For five years?!

Bruce: It was just to notify you that we had succeeded in capturing Liguria.

Rudolf: Well that is very disappointing ... Wait ... Did you say that you had SUCCEEDED?

Bruce: *Nods* thats right.


Official notice of Bruce and Barry's surprising success.

Rudolf: Oh, well ... errr ... that is a surprise ... Congratulations I suppose.

Barry: Thank you for your overwhelming praise my lord *bows*

Rudolf: In that case your new mission is to arrange a marriage for my cousin Ethel ... Marry her off to ... ohhh someone from Munster

Bruce: We'll do our best.

Rudolf: Good. See you in 5 years then.

Bruce and Barry make their way out of the throne room.

Barry: Will we be able to arrange the marriage then?

Bruce: Ethel isn't exactly a looker, but it shouldn't be any problem. Munster has a moron prince they are looking to marry off.

Barry: Good. I'm glad he didn't mention the cities ...

Bruce: What about them?

Barry: Twice in the last twelve months they've approached me with some fake writs they have that grant them various rights, including the right to raise their own taxes.

Bruce: How do you know they were fakes?

Barry: Because they were supposedly signed by us ... a hundred years ago or so. But I can't exactly tell anyone that, can I?

Bruce: I guess not. What did you do then?

Barry: Well the first time round I told them where to stick it.

Bruce: And they weren't happy?

Barry: Not at all! It seems like it'll be years before we can regain stability in the cities.

Bruce: So you caved the second time?

Barry: Yep. It was that or spark off a full scale rebellion I figured. Besides, the second time round they were taking some power away from the aristocracy as wel as from the central government, so it wasn't all bad.

Bruce: *shrugs* Can't be helped I guess.

...

July 1586

Scene: Rudolf, still in his bedclothes, has summoned Bruce and Barry to his private suite. The dynamic duo arrive breathlessly.

Rudolf: I have just received some very disturbing news, and I would like to know just what it is that you two plan to do about it.

Barry: What news have you heard, my lord?

Rudolf: Surely you know! Unless there is a large amount of disturbing news that you have been keeping from me? *suddenly alarmed* What is it that I don't know?!

Bruce: I hardly know where to start ...

Barry: Errr ... what my colleague means is that we can hardly tell you what it is that you don't know unless you tell us what it is that you do know. . Are you perhaps referring to Poland's success in forcing the nation of Siebenburgen to convert to Catholicism?

Rudolf: They have? No, thats not what I was referring to. In any case, that counts as good news, does it not?

Barry: Oh indeed it does, my lord. Now about this news that has disturbed you?

Rudolf: I still feel that you two are keeping something from me though ...

Barry: That would hardly be possible, my lord. After all, you are the archduke, and we are but humble servants

Rudolf: Thats true. Very well. Have you heard that my royal astrologer has sighted strange lights in the sky over the past few weeks?

Bruce: Yes ...

Barry: *talking over Bruce* No, my lord! That comes as news to us.

Rudolf: Yes, well we have done our best to stop news of it leaking out to the general populace. All sorts of superstitious worries would rise to the surface amongst them. Of course, we have had to brief a few key representatives so they can deal with the problem ...

Bruce: How many key representatives?

Rudolf: As few as possible. All the nobility of course, plus the city councils of all the major cities, ranking officers in the army and the navy, and the archbishops, bishops, cardinals and other prelates.

Bruce: So, broadly speaking, nobody knows about this except for the three of us in this room, your court astrologer, and the entirety of the German-speaking world?

Rudolf: Oh come now ... That is a bit unfair ... Many of the nobility in our empire don't speak German at all.

Bruce: And how have these people reacted?

Rudolf: They were very disturbed indeed. These strange lights, in such troubled times, can only be a sign of God's displeasure.

Bruce: So, again speaking in very general terms, in order to avoid people becoming disturbed by these lights in the sky, that no one had noticed apart from your court astrologer, you have created a series of rumours about them that have resulted in people becoming disturbed about the lights in the sky.

Rudolf: *looking pleased* That sums it up very eloquently, yes. So what will you do about it?

Bruce: *under his breath* Oh great. And now its somehow become our fault ...

Barry: I am not sure that there is much that we can do, my lord ...

Rudolf: I am sure you'll think of something ... *exits*

Barry: Is there anything we can do?

Bruce: We can take that astrologer's telescope and shove it up ...

Barry: Will that help?

Bruce: *shrugs* It'd make me feel much better.

Well, it is good to be back.

Just to answer people's queries, yes the narrator is back in this installment, and no, the Habsburg's aren't getting any brighter. Bruce and Barry have a new mission coming up.

Thanks Farquharson, I kind of liked that bit too. To be perfectly honest though, I can't take all the credit. That bit was fairly heavily inspired by a scene in the fourth series of Blackadder, where Blackadder faces a similar problem in convincing the his superiors of the need for secrecy.

On with the show ...

...
Chapter 8, Part V
In which Bruce and Barry head south

October 1589

Scene: Bruce and Barry's office. Bruce is idly drumming on the desk, which is distracting Barry from the accounts he is working on.

Bruce: Is it just me, or have things been a bit dull lately?

Barry: If you're looking for something interesting to do, you can help me review these accounts ...

Bruce: Thanks Barry, but the excitement might just be too much for me.

Barry: Well they are important. This is the proof of high level corruption in my tax department.

Bruce: Sounds thrilling ...

Barry: I've been working on this for nearly three years now. Its cost us 150 ducats, and we had to take a loan to pay the costs of the enquiry.

Bruce: Couldn't we have just let it slide?

Barry: That would have caused a massive inflationary hit.

Bruce: So?

Barry: So, next time you tried to recruit an army, it would have cost more.

Bruce: Maybe so, but you won't let me recruit anyone until the loan is paid off, so I lose out either way.

Barry: Just trust me, this way is better, OK?

Bruce shrugs. The door to the office opens, and the narrator walks in, somewhat to Bruce and Barry's surprise, as they have become accustomed to more dramatic entries. The boys are almost relieved when they notice that the narrator is wearing flippers and a wet suit.

Bruce: Long time no see. Hows it been going?

Narrator: I have been following some truly fascinating research on the mating habits of the southern right whale.

Bruce: I see ... and what brings you here? You usually only pop up if there is a war on, or something.

Narrator: There is a war on. For once Austria is not involved, but its still important. After the sighting of meteors by Archduke Rudolf, the mid-1580s continued to be a period of instability for Austria, with corruption in the tax offices being identified, and a wave of obscurantism sweeping the land ...

Barry: Yes, yes. What about this war you wanted to talk about ...

Narrator: I was coming to that ... In November of 1588, northern Europe became caught up in a series of wars, as England and Magdeburg declared war on Scotland, inspiring Munster, France and Norway to declare war on Magdeburg and England. Finally, Sweden took the opportunity to declare war on Norway, bringing her allies Poland and Sweden into the war. However, the Swedes' participation in this war was shortlived, as they annexed Norway in February 1589 after a brutal winter campaign in Scandinavia.

Austria were interested observers to this conflict, particularly as the Scots gained the upper hand over England in the British Isles. Meanwhile, France's internal divisions were settled at the walls of Paris in August of 1589, and Henri IV became king.

A messenger arrives, knocking on the door that the narrator has left open behind him. The messenger appears not to notice the narrator.

Messenger: My lords, the Archduke requires your presence in the throne room.

Bruce: Are we finished here?

The narrator nods, and Bruce and Barry make their way to meet with the Archduke. The narrator removes his flippers and then pads along behind Bruce and Barry.

Rudolf: Gentlemen, it is that time when I must speak to you about your missions once more.

Barry: Of course, my lord.

Rudolf: I must say that I am most disappointed that you have failed in this mission. I was hoping that Siebenburgen would be our allies by now.

Barry: Errr ... my lord, we were under the impression that our mission was to conclude a royal marriage with Munster.

Rudolf: Was it? ... Was it? *refers to some notes* Hmmm ... Yes, it seems it was. And you did that?

Bruce: Yeah, about 5 years ago.

Rudolf: Good, good ... And how are our relations with Siebenburgen?

Bruce: They are good. In fact we invited them to ally with us back in November 1587, but they rejected the offer.

Barry: *quietly* Wasn't that because we already had a very big alliance? They were never going to join were they?

Bruce: *equally discretely* Nope. But about now its good to be able to say we tried.

Rudolf: I have decided that your new mission will be to vassalise Kleves.

Barry: Kleves, my lord? I thought you were interested in Siebenburgen?

Rudolf: Yes, I am. Siebenburgen ... and Kleves. You have 5 years.

Bruce and Barry confer quietly.

Barry: We're stuffed, aren't we?

Bruce: Well Kleves likes us, but they still won't join our alliance until we can kick someone else out.

Barry: How about if we declare war on them?

Bruce: That won't work either, because our armies can't get to them, unless we can get military access though France or Magdeburg.

Barry: That won't happen, so as I said, we're stuffed.

Bruce: Pretty much, yep.

Narrator: If I may just butt in here? As luck would have it, Bruce's observations were indeed salient. Before the end of 1589 Kleves signed a military alliance with Auvergne, and any possibility of a peaceful vassalisation of Kleves was removed.

...

February, 1590

Scene: The docks in Genoa. Barry is overseeing the loading of supplies onto a single warship. Bruce approaches him, followed by a tanned young man of indeterminant ancestory.

Barry: Ahhh ... I was looking for you! I've just heard that we've managed to get a monopoly here.

Bruce: Thats good news, I suppose.

Barry: Then I came down here and watched them loading up this ship like its Noah's ark. You planning on sending that boat somewhere Bruce?

Bruce: I was just about to come to that. This brave young man is Scober. Scober, this is Duke Heinrich, he'll be funding your explorations.

Scober: *looks puzzled, but bows to Barry* I thought you were Duke Heinrich?

Bruce: No, no, I'm Duke Johan. Aren't I? Anyway ... Scober approached us in Crete, and he wants to go exploring in Africa.

Barry: So he is going to help us find the sea route to Australia?

Bruce: In a roundabout way, yes. Scober will help us find places to set up supply depots so that our fleets can sail to Australia, but he is more of a land-based kind of guy.

Barry: OK ... So why the boat then?

Bruce: We'll give him a lift to Cape Town ... I mean Maximiliansburg, and he'll take off from there.

Barry: It looks like he is getting top quality supplies. Why is that Br ... err ... Heinrich?

Bruce: I thought we might tag along with him. See Africa before it gets spoilt by the tourists, that sort of thing.

Barry: We do have a country to run!

Bruce: I just now might be a good time to take a break .. and our sons *winks at Barry unsubtly* will carry on the governance of the country.

Barry: What if Rudolf wants something?

Bruce: He just set us our mission, and its impossible, so I don't see much point hanging around not doing it. He won't actually need to see us for another 5 years or so. He'll probably spend most of the time locked up in his room dealing with his paranoid delusions anyway.

Barry: I guess he isn't really a barrel of laughs ... OK, we'll come with you Scober!

Scober: My lords, the road ahead will be tough, do you really want to join us?

Barry: Of course! The trip will do us good.

Scober: *sighs quietly to himself* Of course, my lord. It will be a pleasure to have your political experience on this journey of exploration.

Bruce: Just watch your tone son, and we'll get along fine.