Bruce and Barry get Bushwhacked - an Austrian AAR

Thanks for the feedback all.

Braedonnal Yes indeed. Very like Munich. And like a certain other Austrian after Munich, Bruce and Barry aren't done with yet.

Farquharson Hmmm ... Be honest with the emperor? Its radical, but it just might work ...

As merrick pointed out, Venice have got Corfu and Crete, and Cyprus as well I think, so they are a bit of a tough nut to crack. I'm not really in too much of a hurry to get hold of a CoT, although Karl seems to think its a good idea, so I might give a whirl sometime soon.

TreizeV Thanks! Neither of your favourites in this update, unfortunately, but stay tuned.

...


Chapter 5, Part IX
In which a new threat looms

December 1538

Scene: The imperial dining room. Bruce and Barry are supervising the decoration of the room for the Christmas court, when Karl arrives.

Karl: There you two are! I've been looking for you. You haven't been avoiding me have you?

Barry: Of course not. Why would we do that?

Karl: I'm sure I don't need to remind you that its been five years since I set you a mission, and once again you have failed to complete it.

Bruce: You were quite keen to fight the English.

Karl: So?

Bruce: Well, for one thing we wanted the French to give us military access, so we couldn't fight a war against them while asking for that, could we?

Karl: And DID the French grant us military access?

Bruce: Well ... They did, but only with certain conditions.

Karl: What conditions?

Bruce: Something about hell freezing over, I think they said.

Karl: So given their attitude, why didn't you try to undertake the mission? Hmmm?

Bruce: Fighting the English kept the army pretty busy ...

Barry: And we've been spending every spare schilling sending out missionaries.

Karl: *raises an eyebrow* Really? Because Archbishop Hildebrand of Innsbruck has been leading a group of priests who have been complaining that you haven't done enough in that area.

Barry: We couldn't have done more! You can check the books yourself, if you like.

Karl: I believe you, but I really do urge you to do everything you can to keep the pressure on the protestants, otherwise the whole church will come down on you like a ton of bricks.

Barry: *quietly* Not a very well built church then ... *to Karl* Yes, my lord.

Karl: And I want both of you to work out a way to conquer Liguria.

Barry: Why not Veneto?

Karl: Is Veneto owned by the French?

Barry: No, but the Venetians have been harrassing our merchants. We have an excuse for a war, and they have a centre of trade there, so it would be at least as valuable as Liguria.

Karl: Hmmm ...

Bruce: Erm ... *under his breath* bad idea Barry! We'd need a fleet in the Med to do that, and the fleet is in Poitou now. *to Karl* My lord, while the Venetians' behaviour has been unforgivable, it would make you incredibly unpopular with the other Catholic princes if we were to annex Venice.

Karl: I don't want to annex the whole country. Lets just take Veneto off them.

Bruce: It's their capital, my lord ... We would need to annex the whole country.

Karl: In that case, I think conquering Liguria is a very geneours offer, don't you?

Bruce: *sighs* As always, my lord ... If you will excuse us ...

Bruce bows to Karl and drags Barry away with him, cuffing him on the side of the head.

Bruce: You had to mention Veneto, didn't you? A couple of merchants complain, and suddenly you want to go invade Venice. Lucky I got us out of it.

Barry: Sorry Bruce. But now we are stuck with Liguria. Again! Nice negotiating there.

Bruce: *growls* I could have got something better if you hadn't tried to sell him on Veneto ...

Barry: Sure you could, Brucie, sure you could!

...

October 22, 1540

Scene: The Emperor's private chapel. Karl is waiting as Bruce and Barry enter and kneel beside him in front of the altar.

Karl: We need to have a serious discussion about religion.

Barry: Wouldn't your confessor be more appropriate for this?

Karl: No, no ... not my personal beliefs. Nor yours, for that matter. I mean the effect its having on the people. The bishops have been pestering me about it and, quite frankly, I am beginning to agree with them that you are not doing enough.

Barry: Oh ... We have sent out two new missionaries in the last two years. There's really no more than that that we can do.

Karl: The bishops noted that you promoted a tax collector in Poitou. They wanted to know why that money was being spent on worldly matters rather than converting the heretics.

Barry: When I say there is no more that we can do, I really mean it. We have missionaries sent to all of the Lutheran hotspots. Its not a lack of money, its a lack of protestants now.

Karl: I think I may have a surprise for you then ... I have heard that there is a new threat on the horizon now. Apparently a man named Calvin has been preaching an even more radical approach.

Barry: Calvin? I don't think we need to worry about him!

Karl: Why not?

Barry: Well, he's just a kid, isn't he?

Both Bruce and Karl look at Barry with puzzled expressions. Barry starts to speak, but stays quiet.


Calvin expresses his opinion of the Catholic heirarchy.

Bruce: Is he based in Geneva?

Karl: I believe so, yes.

Bruce: Yeah, I have heard of him. Kind of guy who makes Luther look like a crazy funster?

Karl: Something like that, I suppose.

Bruce: Born in France, I hear?

Karl: *sighs* Yes. But despite that, people seem to be listening to him.

Barry: Imaginary tiger friend?

Karl looks puzzled again

Bruce: No! Jean Calvin. He lives in Geneva and he's preaching against the Catholic church there.


The fun-loving Jean Calvin.

Barry: Ohhh ... If he's based in Geneva, is he stirring up a new generation of Swiss terrorists?

Bruce: I haven't heard anything about uprisings.

Karl: Nor have I, but the bulk of the Swiss have converted to following his religion.

Barry: Already?! Have other provinces converted?

Karl: *nods sadly* A number. Maros and Magyar in Hungary, Mainz in the Rhine valley, and of course Poitou have alreday converted. A number of other provinces outside our control, as well, but we need not worry about them just yet.

Barry: That's a problem then. I'll work out a way to send some missionaries out to them.

Karl: I feel that God is testing us. We must continue to fight for the true faith, but I wonder what else He has in store for us?

Barry: We'll do our best, my lord. We can do no more.

Karl: One thing gives me hope, I have heard that the Pope has just started ordaining priests into something he is calling the Societas Jesu. Maybe we can get some of them to help beef up our missionaries?

Barry: Err ... As I understand it, my lord, the Jesuits were formed with the intent of taking the word of God to the Muslims, rather than to the Lutherans. Also, they are explicitly under the command of the Pope, so we'll have to beg him for help.

Karl: Oh. That doesn't sound like much fun. Still, I will pray for guidance.

Karl closes his eyes and prays while Bruce and Barry make their way out.

Chapter 5, Part X
In which the Archbishop wins the battle and starts the war

May 1541

Scene: The imperial throneroom. Archbishop Hildebrand of Innsbruck is talking with the emperor when Bruce and Barry are ushered in.

Archbishop Hildebrand: If I may, my lord? ... Have you heard the fate of Father David?

Barry: I heard he wasn't able to persuade the people of Anhalt to rejoin the church, yes.

Archbishop Hildebrand: The Bishop of Anhalt is very upset ...

Barry: I would think he would be ... it can't be much fun being a bishop of a place where no one actually belongs to the same church as you.

Archbishop Hildebrand: He is upset because it is your fault that the mission failed!

Barry: As I recall, Father David was your choice. I supplied all the money he needed.

Archbishop Hildebrand: Obviously it was not enough! I am sure that the protestants drew strength from your secret support for their faith.

Barry: Do you have any proof of that accusation?

Archbishop Hildebrand: The Lord will judge you!

Barry: Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Archbishop Hildebrand: My conscience is clear. Is yours? You know that your sinful allies rose up and killed Father David?

Bruce: The army put down the rebellion as quickly as they could, but yes, I believe they were unable to save Father David.

Archbishop Hildebrand: Is this incompetence amongst your advisors to go unpunished, my lord? The prelates have met, and we demand that Dukes Edvin and Dieter be dismissed from your service.

Karl: On what grounds?

Archbishop Hildebrand: Duke Edvin, through his financial mismanagement has failed to fully support the efforts of the Church in stamping out the heretical teachings of Luther and now Calvin. We also suspect him of harbouring sympathies for the protestants. And Duke Dieter, although he appears to be a good son of the church, has, as he has just admitted, been unable to maintain the peace of the realm. In particular, through his negligence several fine preachers have been slain.

Bruce: Guys who stand in front of people and tell them they are all doomed to spend eternity swimming in lakes of brimstone do tend to get people riled up ...

Archbishop Hildebrand: They were preaching on behalf of the emperor, so it is the duty of the emperor's armies to protect them!

Karl: *holds up his hand* Enough! These two have served the Habsburg family well.

Archbishop Hildebrand: You cannot be serious! One is a heretic and the other a fool!

Karl: *speaking over the archbishop* However! However, they have clearly lost the support of the church. Therefore, I will ask them to step aside, and return to their home estates in Mantua.

Barry: My lord! We have always done our best!

Karl: I don't doubt your efforts, but your results have not been sufficient. taly is beautiful. It will be a peaceful retirement for you both.

Archbishop Hildebrand: That sounds more like a reward than a punishment. Surely you will ensure other punishments are dealt out?

Karl: You have got what you wanted. You may go, Hildebrand.

Archbishop Hildebrand: But ...

Karl: *with steel in his voice* You may go!

The Archbishop reluctantly makes his way out of the room.

Karl: I am sorry about that farce, but it is time that you two took a break, before people become suspicious. Do you know how long "Dieter" and "Edvin" have been in our service?

Bruce: *scratching his head* Not really ...

Karl: I know that you have served me since I took the throne. Thats nearly 22 years. But I checked the records, and it seems you served my grandfather since 1503.

Barry: *whistles* Wow. Has it been that long? I guess it is time we found the next generation then.

Karl: Exactly. But first I will need to give the bishops the impression that I am listening to them. You will need to stay away for a while.

Bruce: Will two years be enough?

Karl: I should think so. Why?

Bruce: The treaty with the English expires then. I'd rather you didn't let the bishops run any wars.

Karl: Hmmm ... I think I have a plan. The archbishop will make a useful scapegoat if we do need to declare war without justification. I will summon you when the time comes.

Bruce: There is just one other thing I'd like to do before we go.

Bruce calls over a guard, who disappears. About ten minutes later the guard reappears, along with two mean-looking guards who are escorting the Spanish ambassador, Jiminez de Soto. Jiminez is blinking in the sunlight, but manages to pull himself into a haughty stance when he spots Bruce.

Bruce: OK, Jiminez. This is your last chance. Will you share your maps of the New World with us?

Jiminez de Soto: Your threats mean nothing to me. No.

Bruce: Oh ... OK ... How about now?

Jiminez de Soto: I have refused for the last twenty years. Why would I change my mind in twenty seconds?

Bruce: Have you changed your mind then?

Jiminez de Soto: No.

Bruce: I see ... How about now?

Jiminez de Soto: No.

Bruce points to the imperial throne, where Karl is trimming his beard.

Bruce: That is our emperor. He's also your king. Surely that means something to you?

Jiminez de Soto: *to Karl* My lord king! *bows deeply* Do you order that I should hand over the maps?

Karl: Not at all. You boys can sort it out amongst yourselves.

Jiminez de Soto: Thank you, my lord. *bows again and turns to Barry* No maps for you!

Bruce: Oh well. Thanks Jimmy. You can take him back to his cell boys.

The guards drag Jiminez away. Bruce opens his mouth as if to shout something, but before he can make a sound, Jiminez shouts over his shoulder.

Jiminez de Soto: The answer is still no.

Bruce: *shrugs* See you in a couple of years then, Karl. Come on Barry, lets go pack.


Emperor Karl V complete with freshly trimmed beard, and his new advisor.

...

January 1, 1544

Scene: The imperial throneroom. The emperor is alone and obviously waiting for someone. Unnoticed by him, the narrator is standing in the middle of the room, with a bright red bird perched on his head.

Narrator: Among the new species found in the New World was the cardinal. The brilliant red plummage of the bird made it an instant hit in Europe when the first specimens were shipped back. However, here in Austria it was cardinals of a different sort that were having a bigger impact.

In the absence of Bruce and Barry, Archbishop Hildebrand acted as an advisor to the emperor, and to his brother Ferdinand. Hildebrand himself acted in consultation with the bishops, archbishops and cardinals that made up the Catholic hierarchy here in Austria.

Archbishop Hildebrand's first action was to send a letter to the Teutonic Order, berating them for not stamping out Protestantism within their territories and reminding them that it was the duty of all good Catholics to do so. In June of 1541 the Order sent a response to the archbishop, informing him that, if this was what it took to be good Catholics, they rather not be Catholics at all, and become protestants themselves. The archbishop did his best to cover up his part in this shock conversion, but in October of 1542, Papal envoys discovered his role, significantly worsening relations between Austria and the Papal States.

Much to his chagrin, the archbishop also discovered that finding the money to fund missionaries was not as easy has he had thought. He was able to fund only two missions in two and a half years, and was further disappointed when the news broke that the mission sent to Wurttemburg had failed.

The archbishop did have some successes, however. He was able to convince the French ambassador to grant Austria the freedom to move her troops across French lands. And, by applying some learnings from the church courts, he developed a system whereby legal counsels could be promoted to judges in provinces throughout the land.

On November 13, 1543 Austria once again declared war against England. Unlike the previous war, England was not alone in facing the Habsburg powers this time. This time England was supported by the protestant states of northern Germany - Magdeburg and Saxony - along with Brandenburg. The archbishop was able to justify the war, as England and her allies were at war with the Pope. Unfortunately the distance between the English alliance and the Italian states allied with the Papacy meant that the effect of the war had been that both sides had recruited massive armies. Following Austria's declaration of war, the northern German alliance was finally able to unleash these armies. Armies from Magdeburg and Saxony converged on Anhalt, while Brandenburg invaded Silesia.

Meanwhile, the Austrians landed an army in Wessex. However, due to a miscommunication of their orders, this army followed the coast line around to Kent, and from there northwards towards London. In London they encountered a superior English force, and were forced to retreat to Lincoln. The English shored up their defenses around London, while the Austrians began a siege of the city of Lincoln.

With the war proceeding poorly, and the archbishop's failure to significantly alter the religious situation, his power began to wane. At the start of 1544, the time was ripe for the emperor to recall Bruce and Barry.

At this moment Bruce and Barry arrive in the throneroom. Barry gives the narrator a brief nod as he slowly makes his way out of the room, taking care not to disturb the cardinal.

Karl: Welcome back you two. You two make a nice change from the dour priests who have been advising Ferdinand and me since you retired.

Barry: Its good to be back. But can I remind you that we're not retired, we're our sons now. *winks unsubtly*

Karl: Oh yes ... Quite right. So what are your names?

Barry: I am called Franz and this is Gerhard.

Karl: I will do my best to remember. Now, you have been kept up to date with events?

Barry: Yes, more or less.

Karl: Then there is really just one thing that I need to cover with you right now.

Barry: What's that?

Karl: I need to set you a new mission.

Bruce: We weren't able to conquer Liguria for you because we were in retirement. Unless you think we should have gathered together our servants and farmers and launched a daring raid into Liguria?

Karl: Hmmm ... Perhaps. But no, it was not realistic for you to complete the mission last time, so I will give you another chance now.

Bruce: You still want us to conquer Liguria.

Karl: Yes.

Bruce: Even though we are at war with the English, and have a treaty of military access with the French?

Karl: I am sure you two can overcome the obstacles. Oh, and welcome back!

Barry: *looking glum* Thanks.

The Emperor is a very single-minded kind of guy - especially when it comes to Liguria!

Thanks to the cowardly English hiding their fleets, I was able to invade England, but the big armies in Germany scared me a lot, so it wasn't a completely satisfying war.

...

Chapter 5, Part XI
In which Bruce and Barry get a Lincoln, but no map

April 8, 1544

Scene: The dungeons. Bruce and Barry are making their way down a relatively pleasant corridor.

Barry: So why was it we accepted peace with Magdeburg again?

Bruce: Oh you know the old saying Barry.

Barry: Not really Bruce, no.

Bruce: You know, the old saying, "Never get involved in a land war with Magdeburg."

Barry: Huh? I thought it was "Never get involved in a land war in Asia."

Bruce: Really? Well, anyway we managed to beat their army twice in a row, and then captured Hessen with an assault, but they have some serious resources, so I figured it was best to get out while the going was good.

Barry: Sounds fair enough, I guess. And the cash came in handy, even if we did have to share it with the Spanish. Here we are.

Bruce and Barry open the door to a cell, but then stop in the doorway, looking puzzled.

Barry: Sorry, we must have the wrong cell. We were looking for Jimmy de Soto.

Jimenez de Catres: I am Jiminez de Catres. I am the Spanish ambassador to Austria.

Barry: Oh. What happened to the previous ambassador?

Jimenez de Catres: Ambassador de Soto was recalled to Madrid at the request of the Inquisition.

Bruce: What were the charges?

Jimenez de Catres: The inquisition are not required to specify their charges. However, it was rumoured that Ambassador de Soto had been consorting with known protestants here in Austria, including the English ambassador.

Bruce: Jimmy and Henry did talk, but that was before the English turned protestant.

Jimenez de Catres: *shrugs* One can't be too careful with the taint of heresy.

Bruce: Right ... Anyway, we just dropped by to see if you were willing to share your maps with us?

Jimenez de Catres: So that you Germans can spread your heretical protestantism amongst the innocent natives of the Americas? I think not!

Barry: One, we're not Germans, we're Autrali ... err Austrians. And two, we're pretty much all proud Catholics here.

Jimenez de Catres: Germans, Austrians, same thing. And "pretty much" doesn't really cut it when it comes to heresy. Take the provinces we captured in the last war. I think it is no coincidence that Poitou has converted to Calvinsim, while Gascogne has remained staunchly Catholic. I am sure the Spanish inquisition would be happy to come here and root out the non-believers in your ranks. Then we can talk about maps.

Barry: Err ... That won't be necessary thanks.

Jimenez de Catres eyes Bruce and Barry suspiciously and crosses himself as they exit the cell.

Jimenez de Catres: I will pray for you souls!

Barry: I don't think we'll be getting maps from Jimmy Carter either.

Bruce: No. New Jimmy almost makes me miss old Jimmy. Do you think we could put in a good word for him with the Spanish inquisition?

Barry: From the sound of things, us supporting him will just make things worse for him.

Bruce: Probably so ...

Bruce and Barry descend deeper into the dungeons, finally reaching the Protestants wing. Water trickles down the walls. A small group of monks move up and down the corridor, chanting. Bruce and Barry enter a narrow cell, with a wooden crucifix on one wall, and an icon of the Virgin Mary on another.

Bruce: I see that Archbishop Hildebrand had your cell redecorated.

Saxon Ambassador: Yes. He hoped I would be inspired to return to the Catholic faith.

Barry: And have you?

Saxon Ambassador: No. But at least the rats have something other than my clothes to eat now.

Bruce: All's well that ends well then, eh? Speaking of ending things, we were wondering if you'd accept peace in our war against you.

Saxon Ambassador: *sighs wearily* What will that cost us?

Bruce: Nothing!

Saxon Ambassador: But you completely destroyed out army. You have us at your mercy.

Bruce: We did? I don't remember fighting the Saxons at all ...

Saxon Ambassador: Our troops were fighting under the command of Magdeburg.

Bruce: Oh ... That was unfortunate for you.

Saxon Ambassador: Indeed. What's the catch with your peace deal?

Bruce: No catch. Everything will go back to how it was before the war started. I'll even give orders for the monks to stop their chanting for a few hours each night so you can get some sleep.

Saxon Ambassador: Well in that case ... Where do I sign?

...

March 1546

Scene: Bruce and Barry have returned to the Protestant section of the dungeons. They are making their way toward the end of the corridor when the narrator, carrying a small glass jar and a pair of tweezers, steps out from behind the chanting monks.

Barry: What are you doing down here?

Narrator: Its long been wondered whether or not dungeons of this era really were flea-infested, or if that was just hyperbole. I have been trying to collect a good sample of the vermin living on these monks to test.

Barry: And thats your idea of fun?

Narrator: It really is fascinating. *Holds up the jar* Would you like to see?

Barry: No, not really. Do you have anything to tell us?

Narrator: *sighs slightly* Oh all right then ... The second Anglo-Habsburg War stretched on throughout 1544. In Germany, Austria was unable to repeat her success against Magdeburg, and Brandenburg captured the province of Silesia in June of 1544. However, the second half of 1544 brought better news for the Austrians, with the siege of Lincoln reaching a successful conclusion, and new sieges beginning in Yorkshire and Wales.

Much to the relief of the Austrian sailors, the English allowed the Austrian Atlantic fleet to operate unmolested, ferrying Austrian troops to the British Isles. Bruce sent orders to the fleet that they should actively seek out combat with the English, but the fleet commanders claimed that these orders mysteriously disappeared before reaching them.

Except for the failure of the fleet to sink English ships, the good news continued into the first half of 1545, with Austrian armies successfully liberating Silesia, before marching north to besiege the city of Berlin, Brandenburg's capital. A third Austrian army landed in England, laying siege to Cornwall.

However, as the summer turned to autumn, events in England began to turn against the Austrians. English armies were able to relieve the provinces of Yorkshire and Cornwall, before beginning a siege to recapture Lincoln. The defeated Austrian armies gathered together in Wales, where the defenders agreed to end the siege on Christmas Day of 1545, in return for a large Austrian fruit cake each.

The narrator hurries off to catch up with the monks, leaving Bruce and Barry to make their way to the cell at the end of the corridor. Like the Saxon ambassador's, this cell has a crucifix on the wall. Barely recognisable since last time we saw him, is Henry, the English ambassador. Henry has turned grey, and is peering myopically at his guests.

Bruce: Hello Henry, how are you going?

Henry: *coughing loudly* Oh, I can't complain. How are you Dieter?

Bruce: I'm we... Oh, um .. No Dieter was my father. I am Franz.

Henry: Oh, sorry, my mistake.

There is a pause in the conversation while the monks in the corridor make their way past the open door, chanting loudly in Latin. The narrator can be observed moving behind them, occasionally snapping his tweezers close to their backs.

Henry: Can't you get rid of them?

Barry: They are here to remind you to consider your religion carefully.

Henry: Yes, yes, I know that. But I am still Catholic, and I can't really see how those monks are going to change the king's mind on religion.

Barry: Doesn't the king object to having a Catholic ambassador?

Henry: *shrugs* I have heard that he said that I will no doubt soon discover that the gates of Heaven are barred to the likes of me. *His body is racked by coughs once more.* I fear he may be right. He hasn't shown any signs of sacking me though. What can I do for you?

Bruce: We are here to offer you a peace treaty.

Henry: One as binding as the last one?

Bruce: Yes.

Henry: In five years time, I probably won't care. *shrugs and coughs again* What are your conditions?

Bruce: Hand over Lincoln, so that we can try to convert the people their back to Catholicism.

Henry: And build up an army right on London's doorstep, no doubt?

Bruce: Possibly ...

Henry: I suppose I can agree to that ... On one condition. Can you stop the monks?

Bruce: The chanting? Its very popular with the local church, you know.

Barry: But it costs us a fortune. Its not like they make any difference anyway. Lets get rid of them.

Bruce: OK ... But you can be the one to explain it to Archbishop Hildebrand ...

Barry: Oh? You haven't heard? The archbishop has been involved in a bit of a scandal with his mistress.

Bruce: Really? I mean I know its not allowed, but is having a mistress really such a big deal?

Barry: It depends on who she is. Unfortunately for Hildebrand, this particular young lady was raised as a Lutheran.

Bruce: Ahhh ... Sleeping with the enemy, was he?

Barry: Apparently so. So I think we can ignore his ideas from here on in.

Bruce: Good. OK Henry, we'll get rid of the monks. Deal?

Henry: We have a deal.


Austria sinks her claws into England.

Just popping in to apologise for the lack of updates this week. I'm in the middle of writing lots of reports for work, and my brain doesn't like making the gear change from serious writing to Bruce and Barry. Bruce and Barry have not been abandoned!

Farquharson You got it in one. I didn't really want to add a protestant anglo-saxon province into my empire, but it IS right next door to all those juicy maps.

jwolf Hmmm ... a research assistant for the narrator. I like that idea ... Yes, the AI outsmarted me with his fleets. Actually, since Spain fought on my side, its possible that my allies sunk the English fleets before I saw them.

klink The current emperor is obsessed with the religious question, so I am reluctant to start a war against Catholic Poland. In a couple of decades it might be an option. The blue provinces in Crimea are France. I think that they gained them when they annexed Genoa, but I'm not certain on that. Getting a CB from France is just a bonus to owning Poitou. Mostly I wanted a port from which I could launch attacks on England - Emilia was just a bit too far away.

Chapter 5, Part XII
In which Bruce and Barry invade England ... again

February 1549

Scene: Bruce and Barry are relaxing in their library/office, when Karl, bustles in, reading from a list.

Karl: Ahh ... Franz and err ... Gerhard. You two haven't conquered Liguria for me yet, have you?

Bruce: Well, we have added Portugal to our alliance ...

Karl: Is Liguria in Portugal?

Bruce: Err ... No. And we have strengthened the forts in Erz and Baden.

Karl: I am aware of that ... It was my initiative.

Bruce: Of course, so it was.

Karl: *raising his voice* Have you conquered Liguria?!

Bruce: *quailing slightly* No, my lord.

Karl: Right. Thats all I wanted to know. Now, I have a new mission for you two.

Barry: Can I take a guess at what it will be?

Karl: I suppose so.

Barry: You want us to conquer Liguria?

Karl: Good guess.

Bruce: *sigh* But I can't see how we can afford a war against England and a war against France ...

Karl: Did I ask for a war against England?

Bruce: No ... But, they ARE heretics and oath-breakers.

Karl: True, but I think we have punished them enough.

Bruce: They are oppressing Catholics ...

Karl: That is unfortunate ...

Bruce: We must fight to liberate them!

Barry: *quietly* And to liberate their maps ...

Karl: Very well, you may fight against the English if you wish, but Liguria remains my top priority. I must be going.

Karl ticks off an item on his list and then exits. Bruce and Barry are somewhat surprised to see the narrator arriving, looking flustered.

Bruce: Don't you usually come in at the start?

Narrator: Yes, yes. I'm sorry, but he's ahead of his schedule today. *refers to his notes, and then reads quickly* In the years following the end of the Second Anglo-Habsburg War, religious turmoil continued to afflict Germany. The nation of Brandenburg finally converted to Lutheranism, reflecting the religious preferences of most of her people. Barry continued sending out missionaries, and had some success, with the populace of Anhalt converting back to the Catholic faith.

This success gave Karl some confidence that the religious problem could be solved once and for all, so he summoned an Imperial Parliament in Augsburg. After months of fruitless negotiation, Karl made an announcement that as far as he was concerned, there could be no compromise with the Lutherans, and dismissed the parliament. This didn't go down particularly well with the Lutheran states, although it was well received in Rome.

Bruce then added Portugal to the Habsburg military alliance ...

Bruce: We told them that already.

Narrator: And the fortresses?

Bruce nods.

Narrator: Then I think thats it. Bye.

Bruce: Wait! Don't you have any info on what happens next?

Narrator: Sorry, but no. I only just got the notes for the past couple of years.

...

July 18, 1549

Scene: The protestant wing of the dungeons. Bruce and Barry are making their way gingerly down the murky corridor.

Bruce: Ahhh ... Much more peaceful without the chanting monks, isn't it.

A scream splits the air.

Barry: Yeah, it gives more of that authentic dungeon feel. Who are we off to see, anyway?

Bruce: Magdeburg. Its time to declare war on them.

Barry: But didn't you say never to get involved in a land war with Magdeburg?

Bruce: Yeah ... its all an excuse to invade England again really.

Barry: But its only been 3 years since we made peace with them. Won't that be bad for our rep?

Bruce: Nope, coz its been more than five years since we made peace with Magdeburg. We declare war on them. England are in their alliance, so they'll join in the war, hopefully, and then we get to fight them.

Barry: What if the English don't join in?

Bruce: Thats cool too, because then they will have broken their alliance with Magdeburg, and they'll have no mates.

Barry: Yes ... but we'll be stuck fighting Magdeburg, which you didn't want to do.

Bruce: Oh, we'll buy them off or something. Anyway, here we are ...

Bruce opens the door to one of the dungeons, where we see a blonde ambassador suspended upside down from the ceiling by chains around his ankles. When the ambassador sees Bruce he shakes a fist at him.

Magdeburg Ambassador: Come to torture me now have you, you Austrian dog?

Bruce: Actually no. We don't believe in torture here in Austria.

Magdeburg Ambassador: What do you call this then?

Bruce: The Dungeonkeeper is studying to become a chiropractor, he's just working on straightening your spine.

Magdeburg Ambassador: And what about the screams I keep hearing from the other cells?

Bruce: He has to practice sometime. The French ambassador was a hunchback when arrived, and he can nearly stand straight now.

Barry: Of course all he does is bash his head against the wall and mutter about the bells, but its progress.

Bruce: Yes, we're thinking of getting Sergeant Freud to ask him about his mother next ... but thats by the bye. We're here to dclare war on you.

Magdeburg Ambassador: You have no just cause!

Bruce: You're all Lutherans aren't you?

Magdeburg Ambassador: And proud of it!

Bruce: Cause enough for us.

The ambassador makes a brave effort to shrug.

Magdeburg Ambassador: So be it then.

Bruce and Barry make their way out of the cell. As they make their way down the corridor, the narrator appears out of a cell,stretching his arms and twisting his back.

Narrator: Your dungeonkeeper really is very good. I feel five years younger.

Barry: Do you have news on how the war will go?

Narrator: Just the first 6 months or so I am afraid. So, the Third Anglo-Habsburg War began. Austria's allies Spain and Portugal responded to her call to arms, but the protestants powers of England, Saxony and Brandenburg leapt to the defense of Magdeburg. The two sides seemed evenly poised at first, with Austrian troops defeating Magedburg in Anhalt, before losing to a huge Saxon army. By October of 1549 the province of Anhalt was in Saxon hands, and Magdeburg had laid siege to Silesia. Meanwhile, an Austrian army that Bruce had been building up since the end of the last war marched from Lincoln and laid siege to the English capital of London.

Bruce: And ...

Narrator: Thats it. I'm sure you have a plan to take care of things beyond that.

I have tried not too make too many cliffhangers. Honest! :rofl: Hopefully none of you have succumbed to the resulting high blood pressure.

By the way, I had to fudge things just slightly in order for the capture of London to fall on Australia Day. Ignore the text at the bottom of the maps that says that London fell on January 25th. Thats just propaganda being spread by anti-Austrian forces.

...

Chapter 5, Part XIII
In which Bruce and Barry celebrate Australia Day in style

January 26, 1550

Scene: Bruce and Barry's office. Bruce has just received a parcel of documents from a bedraggled messenger. Fortunately, the documents are dryer than the messenger.

Barry: What you got there, Bruce?

Bruce: Reports from the armies

Barry: How come you aren't out there with them?

Bruce: *opens a window and points to blizzard* Its freezing out there! ... I mean, that an overall command and control function is best performed from a centralised location.

Barry: Riiight ... So whats news?

Bruce: *reading through the messages* We've landed an army in Wessex.

Barry: The Poms didn't come to fight us on the beaches?

Bruce: Apparently not. *continues reading, then jumps to his feet and punches the air* Good news Barry! On January 26th we captured London, and got a copy of England's maps!

Barry: Woohoo! Maybe we should make it a public holiday?

Bruce: I think we should! Take a look. We can see the Americas now.


A sample of the English maps.

Barry: Thats good, but not what I really want. With those maps, we'll be able to set for sail Australia?

Bruce: Err ... No, not yet.

Barry: Why not?

Bruce: For one thing, our fleets can't sail that far. Ships start sinking when we try to sail from Italy to England, so we need to build some stop over points along the way.

Barry: *looking a little less pleased* So how long will that take?

Bruce: A few decades, I would think. Thats not the biggest problem though.

Barry: *looking a little depressed now* There's worse?

Bruce: Yep. Take a look at the map of the Indian Ocean. The fleets still won't sail anywhere we don't have a map for, and the English haven't gone any further than Bangladesh.


The easternmost limites of the English maps.

Barry: How will we get to Australia then?

Bruce: Well, we might get a brave explorer come along and offer his services ...

Barry: Do you remember any famous Austrian explorers?

Bruce: Well, no. But I don't remember all the details of history. Anyway, we're changing history as we go, so who knows who might be attracted to come and work for us.

Barry: I suppose ... I was just hoping we'd be much closer.

...

September 5, 1551

Scene: Bruce and Barry are at the gates to the dungeons, when they spot the narrator hurrying towards them.

Narrator: I'm glad I caught you! Can we do it here?

Barry looks the narrator up and down.

Barry: Kinky!

Narrator: *Looking coldly at Barry* Its been a while, hasn't it? I mean my report on the Third Anglo-Habsburg War. I'm scheduled to do it just before you go in to talk to the English ambassador, but its rather long, and its very dreary down there.

Bruce: Here will be fine.

Narrator: Thanks. The Austrians gained the upper hand in the war during the course of 1550. Having captured London, the army marched north to Yorkshire. In May of 1550, Wessex was captured, and that army moved to liberate the Catholic stronghold of Wales. In early October, Yorkshire also fell into Austrian hands, sparing them the prospect of a painful winter siege there. Happy with their achievements, the Spanish made peace with the English for a small cash payment of 103 ducats.

Saxony had captured Silesia early in the year, but news of this set back had been carefully suppressed until late November, when Bruce was able to announce that the Austrians had recaptured the province.

Success followed success in 1551, with the Austrians recapturing Anhalt, to restore the status quo on the continent, and capturing Wales and Lancashire in England. Public excitement about the war was somewhat dampened by an outbreak of the plague in Tirol and Austria, and coincidentally in Lincoln, in May of 1551. With much of the English countryside, along with the capital, under Austrian control, Bruce and Barry came to offer peace to the English.

The narrator turns and wanders off. After a moment, Bruce shrugs, and he and Barry make their way deep into the dungeons, until they reach the protestant's wing. Entering a cell, they find a very young, slightly pudgy man waiting for them.

Bruce: You're not Henry?

English Ambassador: No. Quite. The previous ambassador unfortunately passed away recently, and I have been sent in his place. I'm his replacement, Desmond Boleyn.

Bruce: Any relation to Anne?

Desmond: Yes. Worse luck. Thats why I've been sent here, you see?

Bruce: Since you're related to the wife of Henry's that wasn't the mother of the current king?

Desmond: *thinks for a bit* Yes, thats right.

Bruce: OK. Well, now we have that straight, we're here to offer you peace.

Desmond: What are your terms?

Bruce: Quite painless really. We just want you to sign over all your Catholic provinces to us.

Desmond: What! Thats preposterous, we couldn't possibly do that!

Bruce: Come on ... you don't want all those nasty Catholics in Yorkshire, Lancashire and Wales bugging a decent protestant king now, do you?

Desmond: I'm sorry, but I must reject your offer. Will you listen to our offer?

Bruce: *sigh* I suppose so ...

Desmond: Good show! We are prepared to offer you Yorkshire, Lancashire, Wales and Wessex in return for peace.

Barry: But thats more than we asked ...

Bruce: *glaring at Barry* Shush! That does mean we would end up with protestants in Wessex ... I'm not sure about that.

Desmond: I thought you might reject it, but I had to try ...

Bruce: *hurriedly* Oh, we're not rejecting it ... In fact we accept.

Desmond: Bravo!

Bruce and Barry make their way out of Desmond's cell.

Bruce: Ahhh ... Its good to deal with an old school diplomat now and then.

Barry: Rather you than me. I get a brain strain just thinking down to their level.

As the two make their way down the corridor, Bruce sticks his head into a cell, where we find the Magdeburg ambassador hanging by his ankles.

Bruce: I thought we told the dungeonkeepr to stop doing that to you.

Magdeburg Ambassador: Oh, he offered. I decided I like it though. Gives me a different perspective on things.

Bruce: OK then ... Shall we make peace?

Magdeburg Ambassador: What do you want from us?

Bruce: Nothing. Just a peace treaty.

Magdeburg Ambassador: OK. Sounds like a good deal to me! After all, you have all those English provinces, so you could ask for much more.

Bruce: Yes ... we certainly could ...

Bruce rejoins Barry in the corridor.

Bruce: Another day, another successful war, as they say in the classics.


Thanks to the hard negotiating of the ambassadors, Austria receives only four provinces in the peace settlement.