The Emperor is a very single-minded kind of guy - especially when it comes to Liguria!
Thanks to the cowardly English hiding their fleets, I was able to invade England, but the big armies in Germany scared me a lot, so it wasn't a completely satisfying war.
...
Chapter 5, Part XI
In which Bruce and Barry get a Lincoln, but no map
April 8, 1544
Scene: The dungeons. Bruce and Barry are making their way down a relatively pleasant corridor.
Barry: So why was it we accepted peace with Magdeburg again?
Bruce: Oh you know the old saying Barry.
Barry: Not really Bruce, no.
Bruce: You know, the old saying, "Never get involved in a land war with Magdeburg."
Barry: Huh? I thought it was "Never get involved in a land war in Asia."
Bruce: Really? Well, anyway we managed to beat their army twice in a row, and then captured Hessen with an assault, but they have some serious resources, so I figured it was best to get out while the going was good.
Barry: Sounds fair enough, I guess. And the cash came in handy, even if we did have to share it with the Spanish. Here we are.
Bruce and Barry open the door to a cell, but then stop in the doorway, looking puzzled.
Barry: Sorry, we must have the wrong cell. We were looking for Jimmy de Soto.
Jimenez de Catres: I am Jiminez de Catres. I am the Spanish ambassador to Austria.
Barry: Oh. What happened to the previous ambassador?
Jimenez de Catres: Ambassador de Soto was recalled to Madrid at the request of the Inquisition.
Bruce: What were the charges?
Jimenez de Catres: The inquisition are not required to specify their charges. However, it was rumoured that Ambassador de Soto had been consorting with known protestants here in Austria, including the English ambassador.
Bruce: Jimmy and Henry did talk, but that was before the English turned protestant.
Jimenez de Catres: *shrugs* One can't be too careful with the taint of heresy.
Bruce: Right ... Anyway, we just dropped by to see if you were willing to share your maps with us?
Jimenez de Catres: So that you Germans can spread your heretical protestantism amongst the innocent natives of the Americas? I think not!
Barry: One, we're not Germans, we're Autrali ... err Austrians. And two, we're pretty much all proud Catholics here.
Jimenez de Catres: Germans, Austrians, same thing. And "pretty much" doesn't really cut it when it comes to heresy. Take the provinces we captured in the last war. I think it is no coincidence that Poitou has converted to Calvinsim, while Gascogne has remained staunchly Catholic. I am sure the Spanish inquisition would be happy to come here and root out the non-believers in your ranks. Then we can talk about maps.
Barry: Err ... That won't be necessary thanks.
Jimenez de Catres eyes Bruce and Barry suspiciously and crosses himself as they exit the cell.
Jimenez de Catres: I will pray for you souls!
Barry: I don't think we'll be getting maps from Jimmy Carter either.
Bruce: No. New Jimmy almost makes me miss old Jimmy. Do you think we could put in a good word for him with the Spanish inquisition?
Barry: From the sound of things, us supporting him will just make things worse for him.
Bruce: Probably so ...
Bruce and Barry descend deeper into the dungeons, finally reaching the Protestants wing. Water trickles down the walls. A small group of monks move up and down the corridor, chanting. Bruce and Barry enter a narrow cell, with a wooden crucifix on one wall, and an icon of the Virgin Mary on another.
Bruce: I see that Archbishop Hildebrand had your cell redecorated.
Saxon Ambassador: Yes. He hoped I would be inspired to return to the Catholic faith.
Barry: And have you?
Saxon Ambassador: No. But at least the rats have something other than my clothes to eat now.
Bruce: All's well that ends well then, eh? Speaking of ending things, we were wondering if you'd accept peace in our war against you.
Saxon Ambassador: *sighs wearily* What will that cost us?
Bruce: Nothing!
Saxon Ambassador: But you completely destroyed out army. You have us at your mercy.
Bruce: We did? I don't remember fighting the Saxons at all ...
Saxon Ambassador: Our troops were fighting under the command of Magdeburg.
Bruce: Oh ... That was unfortunate for you.
Saxon Ambassador: Indeed. What's the catch with your peace deal?
Bruce: No catch. Everything will go back to how it was before the war started. I'll even give orders for the monks to stop their chanting for a few hours each night so you can get some sleep.
Saxon Ambassador: Well in that case ... Where do I sign?
...
March 1546
Scene: Bruce and Barry have returned to the Protestant section of the dungeons. They are making their way toward the end of the corridor when the narrator, carrying a small glass jar and a pair of tweezers, steps out from behind the chanting monks.
Barry: What are you doing down here?
Narrator: Its long been wondered whether or not dungeons of this era really were flea-infested, or if that was just hyperbole. I have been trying to collect a good sample of the vermin living on these monks to test.
Barry: And thats your idea of fun?
Narrator: It really is fascinating. *Holds up the jar* Would you like to see?
Barry: No, not really. Do you have anything to tell us?
Narrator: *sighs slightly* Oh all right then ... The second Anglo-Habsburg War stretched on throughout 1544. In Germany, Austria was unable to repeat her success against Magdeburg, and Brandenburg captured the province of Silesia in June of 1544. However, the second half of 1544 brought better news for the Austrians, with the siege of Lincoln reaching a successful conclusion, and new sieges beginning in Yorkshire and Wales.
Much to the relief of the Austrian sailors, the English allowed the Austrian Atlantic fleet to operate unmolested, ferrying Austrian troops to the British Isles. Bruce sent orders to the fleet that they should actively seek out combat with the English, but the fleet commanders claimed that these orders mysteriously disappeared before reaching them.
Except for the failure of the fleet to sink English ships, the good news continued into the first half of 1545, with Austrian armies successfully liberating Silesia, before marching north to besiege the city of Berlin, Brandenburg's capital. A third Austrian army landed in England, laying siege to Cornwall.
However, as the summer turned to autumn, events in England began to turn against the Austrians. English armies were able to relieve the provinces of Yorkshire and Cornwall, before beginning a siege to recapture Lincoln. The defeated Austrian armies gathered together in Wales, where the defenders agreed to end the siege on Christmas Day of 1545, in return for a large Austrian fruit cake each.
The narrator hurries off to catch up with the monks, leaving Bruce and Barry to make their way to the cell at the end of the corridor. Like the Saxon ambassador's, this cell has a crucifix on the wall. Barely recognisable since last time we saw him, is Henry, the English ambassador. Henry has turned grey, and is peering myopically at his guests.
Bruce: Hello Henry, how are you going?
Henry: *coughing loudly* Oh, I can't complain. How are you Dieter?
Bruce: I'm we... Oh, um .. No Dieter was my father. I am Franz.
Henry: Oh, sorry, my mistake.
There is a pause in the conversation while the monks in the corridor make their way past the open door, chanting loudly in Latin. The narrator can be observed moving behind them, occasionally snapping his tweezers close to their backs.
Henry: Can't you get rid of them?
Barry: They are here to remind you to consider your religion carefully.
Henry: Yes, yes, I know that. But I am still Catholic, and I can't really see how those monks are going to change the king's mind on religion.
Barry: Doesn't the king object to having a Catholic ambassador?
Henry: *shrugs* I have heard that he said that I will no doubt soon discover that the gates of Heaven are barred to the likes of me. *His body is racked by coughs once more.* I fear he may be right. He hasn't shown any signs of sacking me though. What can I do for you?
Bruce: We are here to offer you a peace treaty.
Henry: One as binding as the last one?
Bruce: Yes.
Henry: In five years time, I probably won't care. *shrugs and coughs again* What are your conditions?
Bruce: Hand over Lincoln, so that we can try to convert the people their back to Catholicism.
Henry: And build up an army right on London's doorstep, no doubt?
Bruce: Possibly ...
Henry: I suppose I can agree to that ... On one condition. Can you stop the monks?
Bruce: The chanting? Its very popular with the local church, you know.
Barry: But it costs us a fortune. Its not like they make any difference anyway. Lets get rid of them.
Bruce: OK ... But you can be the one to explain it to Archbishop Hildebrand ...
Barry: Oh? You haven't heard? The archbishop has been involved in a bit of a scandal with his mistress.
Bruce: Really? I mean I know its not allowed, but is having a mistress really such a big deal?
Barry: It depends on who she is. Unfortunately for Hildebrand, this particular young lady was raised as a Lutheran.
Bruce: Ahhh ... Sleeping with the enemy, was he?
Barry: Apparently so. So I think we can ignore his ideas from here on in.
Bruce: Good. OK Henry, we'll get rid of the monks. Deal?
Henry: We have a deal.
Austria sinks her claws into England.