The archbishop is obviously a moron. Everyone rebels against the underaged and above all heretic king except for him, that praises him? What a git 
The Adventures of the Crovan Clan
- Thread starter Alfred Packer
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"In one of his more lucid (I think) moments, he told me that he wanted nothing more that to “smother your miserable life the same way I did your grand-pappy.” Then he roared and chased after me. My bodyguards had to beat him unconscious with stout rods."
He roared.....damn, you got me laughing out load again. The wife is gonna stop down to the computer room one day and think I have the trait....."crazed".
He roared.....damn, you got me laughing out load again. The wife is gonna stop down to the computer room one day and think I have the trait....."crazed".
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Rastak: Old Aslak - he's outlived everyone...but is still stuck in that swamp in Tir Connail. I'll miss him when he goes.
Snugglie: I like to think of him as mocking the king prior to his own backstabbing rebellion
Farquharson: Later on - much later on - the Arab Catholic Duke of Strathclyde (who only rules over Toledo) will attempt to build an empire in Sweden. I love CK.
Snugglie: I like to think of him as mocking the king prior to his own backstabbing rebellion
Farquharson: Later on - much later on - the Arab Catholic Duke of Strathclyde (who only rules over Toledo) will attempt to build an empire in Sweden. I love CK.
1144-1145
So things are starting to look up for Skofte the Heretic, well, except for the whole crazed and murderous uncle and dead brother thing. At least he doesn’t have to worry about rebelling vassals anymore! Wait a minute, isn’t Skofte still at war with Burgundy and Cremona? Where have their armies been these last 3 or 4 years? Will they ever attack or will those wars just peter out? Is this the worst post script the author has ever written? Join us next time for another exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Skofte Ossorsson Crovan
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the early years, 1144-1145
Well, it didn’t take uncle Aslak long to betray me…he raised his standard pretty much as soon as he got back to his swamp. He assembled his regiments and vassals and gave some rousing speech about how he was the God ordained King of all Norway, that the armies which destroyed the great Saracen Frog invasion could certainly crush an excommunicated King, and he would not stop until he was crowned in Viken. Most of his soldiers just went home after the speech, but 86 stayed. I guess they were bored. Aslak decided to invade anyway. I think my ancestor Gudrod would have been proud.
Not only did I forget Argyll had rebelled, I even forgot I’d sent an army to bring them to heel until the Heralds arrived bringing news of victory. Could this day get any better?
Apparently not. The Archbishop of Askershus finally committed to treachery and rebellion today. This comes as a complete surprise to nobody.
It came too late to help his buddy in Oppland anyway.
Poor Magnus died yesterday. It was terrible really, he was killed in a ride by arrowing. The worst part is that we had just found out that he’d tested well enough to get into USC, the Uppland School of Church.
I hopped on my horse along with Magnus’ friends, the Latin Lords, and we went out for revenge. While we were looking for the killers, Magnus’ pal Doughboy explained to me this whole concept of gangs and gang warfare. I changed my mind about riding along, I mean I am a King after all and I think me getting involved in street gang violence would be kind of unkingly.
Doughboy stopped by the castle today and told me they’d found Magnus’ killers. He said that the revenge didn't give him much satisfaction, since his blood brother was still dead, and that no one outside the 'hood seems to notice or care about the constant violence that engulfs their lives. I think he said some other stuff, but really, I’d lost interest by then.
I looked up and noticed him watching me, like he was expecting an answer, so I nodded and said “what can you do?” I don’t think that’s the answer he expected and I really was tired of pretending to listen, so I had the guards toss him out.
On a more positive note, we beat the stuffing out of the Bishop of Askershus’ army. I mention it because field victories are about as rare as loyal vassal in Norway.
The Earl of Buchen rebelled today. Usually, this is such a common occurance that I wouldn’t bother mentioning it, but this one marks a real turning point in my Lord-Vassal relationships.
As you can see, I don’t have to worry about anymore rebellious vassals!
After chasing Aslak’s little band across Ireland, I settle for taking his good province. Back to the swamps of Tir Connail with you mad man!
And the Archbishop of Askershus learns that lay investiture means I can take his stuff away too.
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the early years, 1144-1145
Well, it didn’t take uncle Aslak long to betray me…he raised his standard pretty much as soon as he got back to his swamp. He assembled his regiments and vassals and gave some rousing speech about how he was the God ordained King of all Norway, that the armies which destroyed the great Saracen Frog invasion could certainly crush an excommunicated King, and he would not stop until he was crowned in Viken. Most of his soldiers just went home after the speech, but 86 stayed. I guess they were bored. Aslak decided to invade anyway. I think my ancestor Gudrod would have been proud.
Not only did I forget Argyll had rebelled, I even forgot I’d sent an army to bring them to heel until the Heralds arrived bringing news of victory. Could this day get any better?
Apparently not. The Archbishop of Askershus finally committed to treachery and rebellion today. This comes as a complete surprise to nobody.
It came too late to help his buddy in Oppland anyway.
Poor Magnus died yesterday. It was terrible really, he was killed in a ride by arrowing. The worst part is that we had just found out that he’d tested well enough to get into USC, the Uppland School of Church.
I hopped on my horse along with Magnus’ friends, the Latin Lords, and we went out for revenge. While we were looking for the killers, Magnus’ pal Doughboy explained to me this whole concept of gangs and gang warfare. I changed my mind about riding along, I mean I am a King after all and I think me getting involved in street gang violence would be kind of unkingly.
Doughboy stopped by the castle today and told me they’d found Magnus’ killers. He said that the revenge didn't give him much satisfaction, since his blood brother was still dead, and that no one outside the 'hood seems to notice or care about the constant violence that engulfs their lives. I think he said some other stuff, but really, I’d lost interest by then.
I looked up and noticed him watching me, like he was expecting an answer, so I nodded and said “what can you do?” I don’t think that’s the answer he expected and I really was tired of pretending to listen, so I had the guards toss him out.
On a more positive note, we beat the stuffing out of the Bishop of Askershus’ army. I mention it because field victories are about as rare as loyal vassal in Norway.
The Earl of Buchen rebelled today. Usually, this is such a common occurance that I wouldn’t bother mentioning it, but this one marks a real turning point in my Lord-Vassal relationships.
As you can see, I don’t have to worry about anymore rebellious vassals!
After chasing Aslak’s little band across Ireland, I settle for taking his good province. Back to the swamps of Tir Connail with you mad man!
And the Archbishop of Askershus learns that lay investiture means I can take his stuff away too.
So things are starting to look up for Skofte the Heretic, well, except for the whole crazed and murderous uncle and dead brother thing. At least he doesn’t have to worry about rebelling vassals anymore! Wait a minute, isn’t Skofte still at war with Burgundy and Cremona? Where have their armies been these last 3 or 4 years? Will they ever attack or will those wars just peter out? Is this the worst post script the author has ever written? Join us next time for another exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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1145-1147
So, King Skofte has finally secured peace in his realm. How great is that! And surely the rebellions are over too. This has really been an eventful minority – I know it hasn’t come up, but the King is now 14 and is clearly…wait? Did he just give away Gudrod’s title, something held dear by Crovans for almost a century? And did he really give it away to a guy named after a Mexican dessert? Has Skofte gone mad? At least he had the good sense to place Scotland in his dear old mother’s hands…nothing can go wrong there! Or can it? Find out in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Skofte Ossorsson Crovan
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the early years, 1145-1147
This ends the important part of the civil war. Most of the places still fighting are in Scotland and Ireland and frankly, I’ve had about enough of them anyway.
For God sake man, just give it up already. You are the Count of Cremona. Go home.
The Cremonians are defeated in a battle noteworthy not just for the acts of courage of several of my men, but also for the preposterous first name of my commander.
St. Aslak drives the Frogs from Ireland – a 19th Century interpretation
Uncle Aslak died today. For some reason, the homicidal maniac who has never accomplished anything beyond the massacre of some frogs, has been swiftly beatified by the Pope in Rome.
In case you are wondering, my regular maniac father who did actually take up the cross and fight Saracens? Not sainted.
And for the record, I am still excommunicated.
He must hate me for some reason. Everyone else has finally made peace with me.
Time to reorganize Scotland! I give it all to good old mom. I even made her a Duchess! Here is someone I can trust to not betray me!
Time to reorganize Ireland! I give it all to this total stranger named after a tasty dessert treat! I also give him my family’s oldest and dearest title. Surely a man with whom I have shared this great honor won’t betray me!
My beloved sister Snofrid really wants to marry Amund of Varmland. This is sure going to be nice having a trusted family member watching my borders! I give the marriage a thumbs up!
Hey wait a minute! I thought we were…well great.
I danced a merry jig when whis message arrived. I was really getting sick of that guy.
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the early years, 1145-1147
This ends the important part of the civil war. Most of the places still fighting are in Scotland and Ireland and frankly, I’ve had about enough of them anyway.
For God sake man, just give it up already. You are the Count of Cremona. Go home.
The Cremonians are defeated in a battle noteworthy not just for the acts of courage of several of my men, but also for the preposterous first name of my commander.
St. Aslak drives the Frogs from Ireland – a 19th Century interpretation
Uncle Aslak died today. For some reason, the homicidal maniac who has never accomplished anything beyond the massacre of some frogs, has been swiftly beatified by the Pope in Rome.
In case you are wondering, my regular maniac father who did actually take up the cross and fight Saracens? Not sainted.
And for the record, I am still excommunicated.
He must hate me for some reason. Everyone else has finally made peace with me.
Time to reorganize Scotland! I give it all to good old mom. I even made her a Duchess! Here is someone I can trust to not betray me!
Time to reorganize Ireland! I give it all to this total stranger named after a tasty dessert treat! I also give him my family’s oldest and dearest title. Surely a man with whom I have shared this great honor won’t betray me!
My beloved sister Snofrid really wants to marry Amund of Varmland. This is sure going to be nice having a trusted family member watching my borders! I give the marriage a thumbs up!
Hey wait a minute! I thought we were…well great.
I danced a merry jig when whis message arrived. I was really getting sick of that guy.
So, King Skofte has finally secured peace in his realm. How great is that! And surely the rebellions are over too. This has really been an eventful minority – I know it hasn’t come up, but the King is now 14 and is clearly…wait? Did he just give away Gudrod’s title, something held dear by Crovans for almost a century? And did he really give it away to a guy named after a Mexican dessert? Has Skofte gone mad? At least he had the good sense to place Scotland in his dear old mother’s hands…nothing can go wrong there! Or can it? Find out in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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Well i've just been off more than 2 days and thus just had an overdose of the Crovans
Seems like the realm is all rainbows and sunshine ... thats so not gonna last.
Seems like the realm is all rainbows and sunshine ... thats so not gonna last.
Good job restoring your realm to peace once again. I only hope Skofte will be up to the task of holding things together as an excommunicated king. Surely Mom and Mr. Flann will stay loyal? But beware - "flann" is also a term used in Arabic equivalent to "so-and-so" or "whats-is-name". I suspect he may be a Saracen infiltrator in disguise...
Peace again. Marvellous! Now re-group and go for conquering Sweden Or sail off to that County of Ar-what-it's-called and take out your revenge.
I'll sure miss Aslak, but one thing will always be there: the Holy Catholic Church's horrible sense of humor.
Or sail off to that County of Ar-what-it's-called and take out your revenge.I'll sure miss Aslak, but one thing will always be there: the Holy Catholic Church's horrible sense of humor.
Iudex, Farquarson: I fear you are both quite correct...especially the part about Flann!
Snugglie: Those dirty Swedes will get theirs...Crovan revenge is really, really, slow...but it (sometimes) happens.
Snugglie: Those dirty Swedes will get theirs...Crovan revenge is really, really, slow...but it (sometimes) happens.
1148-1149
So it looks like dear old mom and good old Flann have cured Skofte of whatever trust he might have had towards other humans. Plus, a new Blood Feud! With whoever happens to be the elective King of Sweden! Also, now that Skofte is 16, we’ll get a good look at his pretty mug, next time on The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Skofte Ossorsson Crovan
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the early years, 1148-1149
My dear friend and close ally Brandenburg has declared war on a pair of dirt-bag counties and has requested my support. Which I grant. After the Brandenburgian Heralds leave the castle, I immediate ran to the Chancellor to find out 1- Where the hell Brandenburg is and 2 – When the hell did we become allies!
We built a tile factory in the picturesque Earldom of Herjedalen. The other kings may think me mad, but I think these tiles would look delightful on the walls of my outhouse.
This is the Swedish King, in case I never got around to mentioning it. Yesterday I planted a horsehead on a post and covered it in runes of shame. Then I stuck it in the ground facing Sweden and had some hag – I’m pretty sure she was a witch – issue a curse on all who hold the Swedish Throne. The Crovans have a new blood enemy. Not very Christian, I know, but I am the Heretic King after all and I have a rep to protect.
Dear old mom stabbed me in the back today. She didn’t merely throw off her allegiance, but also decided to go all the way and declare herself the rightful Queen of Norway.
Guess who won’t be getting a card on Mother’s Day.
Et tu, Flann? Et tu?
The ruler of Jamtland – a miserable traitor, if you recall – embraced the elder gods of the hills and repudiated Christ. As a Heretic you might expect me to support and protect my co-heathen.
You would be wrong.
Word came today that we had made peace with the Duchy of Messien. I’m not sure, but I think that might be one of those countries that Brandenburg is at war with, you know, the ones I promised to help him crush and then promptly forgot about? In any case, those peace bribes should be flowing into my coffers, not those of the Chancellor. I should have been more suspicious about the whole “Alliance with Brandenburg” thing to begin with.
Meet my new Chancellor. His father used to rule over Herjedalen, until I killed the miserable traitor and gathered the land into my demesne. Now his son is in charge of the foreign affairs of my domain.
I don’t know. It’s like I subconsciously want them to betray me.
Oh come on mom. 133 men? If you are going to be a miserable back-stabbing wretch, at least try.
Jamtland passed into my demesne today. In case you were wondering, any future conquests I want to keep will only pass into the Royal Demense. Vassals are for losers.
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the early years, 1148-1149
My dear friend and close ally Brandenburg has declared war on a pair of dirt-bag counties and has requested my support. Which I grant. After the Brandenburgian Heralds leave the castle, I immediate ran to the Chancellor to find out 1- Where the hell Brandenburg is and 2 – When the hell did we become allies!
We built a tile factory in the picturesque Earldom of Herjedalen. The other kings may think me mad, but I think these tiles would look delightful on the walls of my outhouse.
This is the Swedish King, in case I never got around to mentioning it. Yesterday I planted a horsehead on a post and covered it in runes of shame. Then I stuck it in the ground facing Sweden and had some hag – I’m pretty sure she was a witch – issue a curse on all who hold the Swedish Throne. The Crovans have a new blood enemy. Not very Christian, I know, but I am the Heretic King after all and I have a rep to protect.
Dear old mom stabbed me in the back today. She didn’t merely throw off her allegiance, but also decided to go all the way and declare herself the rightful Queen of Norway.
Guess who won’t be getting a card on Mother’s Day.
Et tu, Flann? Et tu?
The ruler of Jamtland – a miserable traitor, if you recall – embraced the elder gods of the hills and repudiated Christ. As a Heretic you might expect me to support and protect my co-heathen.
You would be wrong.
Word came today that we had made peace with the Duchy of Messien. I’m not sure, but I think that might be one of those countries that Brandenburg is at war with, you know, the ones I promised to help him crush and then promptly forgot about? In any case, those peace bribes should be flowing into my coffers, not those of the Chancellor. I should have been more suspicious about the whole “Alliance with Brandenburg” thing to begin with.
Meet my new Chancellor. His father used to rule over Herjedalen, until I killed the miserable traitor and gathered the land into my demesne. Now his son is in charge of the foreign affairs of my domain.
I don’t know. It’s like I subconsciously want them to betray me.
Oh come on mom. 133 men? If you are going to be a miserable back-stabbing wretch, at least try.
Jamtland passed into my demesne today. In case you were wondering, any future conquests I want to keep will only pass into the Royal Demense. Vassals are for losers.
So it looks like dear old mom and good old Flann have cured Skofte of whatever trust he might have had towards other humans. Plus, a new Blood Feud! With whoever happens to be the elective King of Sweden! Also, now that Skofte is 16, we’ll get a good look at his pretty mug, next time on The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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Well I was pretty sure Sidi Flann wasn't all he appeared to be, but your own mother as well - what is the world coming to? I see your efficiency is still up at 83% which is not bad considering - I had kind of imagined it might be getting a little stretched with the whole "vassals are for losers" approach. Looking forward to Skofte showing his face at last!
I see your efficiency is still up at 83% which is not bad considering - I had kind of imagined it might be getting a little stretched with the whole "vassals are for losers" approach. Looking forward to Skofte showing his face at last!
Farquharson said:Well I was pretty sure Sidi Flann wasn't all he appeared to be, but your own mother as well - what is the world coming to?
The BB is still so high from the Civil Wars that I don't think Skofte will ever be able to have vassals that don't rebel
1149-1153
So Skofte spent the whole episode sitting around complaining and accomplishing nothing? Is this all we can expect from him now that the civil wars are over? And are they over? Wasn’t he fighting Flann and Mom, or what happened there? Anyway, maybe something interesting will happen next time on The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Skofte Ossorsson Crovan
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the middle years, 1149-1153
As you can see, today I have become a man. Not only am I the spitting image of my dear departed father, but I am also something of a political mastermind – it is all these years of experience running the kingdom. I can size up a potential enemy or traitor instantly.
If they are breathing, they will back-stab me. That is my motto.
And here is my new wife, Margaret Dunkeld. Isn’t she dreamy? When I proposed, I still had thoughts of controlling Scotland, but I’ve since abandoned them. In any case, in spite of the fact that she is quite Scottish, her family actually lives in Sweden, so she wouldn’t have been much help anyway.
To celebrate the marriage, her father challenges my claim to the Earldom of Agder. So I lay a claim on his Earldom of Dalarna. Should make for awkward holidays.
And here is my dear little daughter Jorunn. I was kind of hoping for an heir so that I could keep Norway out of the hands of my traitorous and degenerate Scotch-Irish cousins, but there is plenty of time for that!
And here is my second daughter Mor. My goodness Margaret is fertile! At this rate, I should have an heir in no time!
Little Jorunn, though she is sweet, requires a lot of work, all she ever does is cling to my robes crying “daddy read me a story,” or “daddy, play with me,” or “daddy why don’t you like me.” It can get kind of annoying so I sent her to live with the nannies. I’m sure they’ll take good care of her.
Last night a comet was seen blazing in the sky. The peasants all think something horrible is going to happen. So do the church-men and the petty nobles. They are a superstitious lot.
To prove them wrong, I held a great party called Comet-Fest and pulled out all of the stops. We watched the comet that night and I got a little tipsy and drunkenly challenged the comet to bring suffering upon me.
Nothing happened, of course, so I offered the suggestion that the comet was a harbinger of good things.
Touché comet, touché.
Today a group of peasants from Halogaland petitioned the court for an end to serfdom. They spoke long and eloquently about the natural rights of all of God’s children, of the traditional freedom of the Norse people. They appealed mightily to our Viking heritage when freemen from all over Scandinavia would spread terror amongst the Christians to the south – offering to do so again for their excommunicated monarch – if only they could live and breathe as free men.
I applauded their rousing speeches, but then I pointed out to them that if I freed them, I wouldn’t have anyone to work my fields.
They pointed out that if I paid them, they would gladly stay.
I hope they enjoy their stay in my dungeons. Miserable serfs.
A delegation of priests arrived today and asked for more support, it appears they feel neglected by the Royal Court. I pointed out to them that if they would kindly disregard the Pope’s orders to pray each day for my eternal suffering in Hell, that I might be more inclined to help them out.
King of Norway, The Heretic King
Grumblings about the middle years, 1149-1153
As you can see, today I have become a man. Not only am I the spitting image of my dear departed father, but I am also something of a political mastermind – it is all these years of experience running the kingdom. I can size up a potential enemy or traitor instantly.
If they are breathing, they will back-stab me. That is my motto.
And here is my new wife, Margaret Dunkeld. Isn’t she dreamy? When I proposed, I still had thoughts of controlling Scotland, but I’ve since abandoned them. In any case, in spite of the fact that she is quite Scottish, her family actually lives in Sweden, so she wouldn’t have been much help anyway.
To celebrate the marriage, her father challenges my claim to the Earldom of Agder. So I lay a claim on his Earldom of Dalarna. Should make for awkward holidays.
And here is my dear little daughter Jorunn. I was kind of hoping for an heir so that I could keep Norway out of the hands of my traitorous and degenerate Scotch-Irish cousins, but there is plenty of time for that!
And here is my second daughter Mor. My goodness Margaret is fertile! At this rate, I should have an heir in no time!
Little Jorunn, though she is sweet, requires a lot of work, all she ever does is cling to my robes crying “daddy read me a story,” or “daddy, play with me,” or “daddy why don’t you like me.” It can get kind of annoying so I sent her to live with the nannies. I’m sure they’ll take good care of her.
Last night a comet was seen blazing in the sky. The peasants all think something horrible is going to happen. So do the church-men and the petty nobles. They are a superstitious lot.
To prove them wrong, I held a great party called Comet-Fest and pulled out all of the stops. We watched the comet that night and I got a little tipsy and drunkenly challenged the comet to bring suffering upon me.
Nothing happened, of course, so I offered the suggestion that the comet was a harbinger of good things.
Touché comet, touché.
Today a group of peasants from Halogaland petitioned the court for an end to serfdom. They spoke long and eloquently about the natural rights of all of God’s children, of the traditional freedom of the Norse people. They appealed mightily to our Viking heritage when freemen from all over Scandinavia would spread terror amongst the Christians to the south – offering to do so again for their excommunicated monarch – if only they could live and breathe as free men.
I applauded their rousing speeches, but then I pointed out to them that if I freed them, I wouldn’t have anyone to work my fields.
They pointed out that if I paid them, they would gladly stay.
I hope they enjoy their stay in my dungeons. Miserable serfs.
A delegation of priests arrived today and asked for more support, it appears they feel neglected by the Royal Court. I pointed out to them that if they would kindly disregard the Pope’s orders to pray each day for my eternal suffering in Hell, that I might be more inclined to help them out.
So Skofte spent the whole episode sitting around complaining and accomplishing nothing? Is this all we can expect from him now that the civil wars are over? And are they over? Wasn’t he fighting Flann and Mom, or what happened there? Anyway, maybe something interesting will happen next time on The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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Thanks for the compliments, knowing their story is enjoyed makes Crovan Chronicling a very pleasant activity.