The Adventures of the Crovan Clan

Ossor Erlendsson Crovan

King of Norway, Sword of the Lord*

*(self-proclaimed)


Ruminations on the later years, 1142













This morning I awoke fresh and full of energy, ready to tackle the day and my enemies with new vigor. I was quickly met by my advisors, who wanted to let me know that both my old capital AND my new capital had been overrun by my treacherous enemies.













I went back to bed.













Little Skofte came to me today and asked me about God. I guess the fact that God was allowing the enemies of his faith, such as the Irish and the…well…whatever family runs Sweden to torment the Crovans, the Protectors of His Church and slayer of His foes, had somewhat shaken the boy’s faith.

I told him to never, ever lose faith in God. In fact, us Crovans have a very special relationship with God. However, I did tell him to never, ever trust another living soul for the rest of his life. All of them – all of them – wanted nothing more than to ruin the family and dance upon our graves.

I don’t know if he believed me, but he stopped asking questions and let me get back to sleep, so I don’t really care.













Reports arrived today that the Bishop of Laigin raised his host as I requested, but rather than relieve Dublin, he decided to attack me as well. Typical.

If you want something done right, you must do it yourself. I shall go to Ireland and put paid to this mess once and for all. Then we can really focus on the Swedish war.













Newsflash:
Romsdal Valley, Norway – Today King Ossor Erlendsson Crovan was found dead at the base of the Trollveggen cliffs. Reports are the king’s body was found covered in honey and chicken feathers. Alongside his body were the crushed remains of two African Swallows and the King's favorite horse Snowflake. Authorities questioned have ruled the death a suicide, in spite of the apparant desicration of the corpse. Officer Oleg stated "King Ossor was known to be suffering from some form of mental illness and it seems that it got to be too much for him to continue living. We don't really get the bird feathers part, but what can you do." He is survived by his wife Agnes and his young sons Skofte, now King of All Norway, and Magnus, who is chronically ill. He also has a daughter, but this is the 12th century, so that doesn’t really matter. I mean, he had more than one horse too, but we’re not going to name all of them, right?​

Skofte Ossorsson Crovan

King of Norway

Grumblings about the early years, 1142-1143



So, I’m King of Norway now. It’s kind of exciting and cool. All the chief vassals and nobles met with me to form the regency council, but they decided that it would be way better if I was in charge all by myself. They all smiled a lot and talked about how having a boy king would be really, really good for them. I guess they think I’m going to be really good as a king!













The good news started quick when one of my vassals (I don’t know all of their names yet) captured Lappland for me. He said he’d just keep it for himself, since I was so busy with the rest of Norway. He promised to give it back when I wasn’t so busy, which was very nice of him.













Sick Magnus, my little brother, told me he had some really cool new friends. They call themselves the “Almighty Latin Kings.” I guess they are big fans of Jesus – or maybe the Kingdom of Jerusalem, either one is great for Magnus. I told him that he should spend lots of time with them. He just made this weird hand gesture at me and said “Peace Out.” I don’t know what that means. Maybe the Latin Kings want to be pacifist monks?














One of my Irish vassals declared war on me today, saying he should be king and claiming all my Irish territories. This really surprised me since the Earl of Urmumu was one of the guys who really didn’t want a regency council, so I thought he liked me.













Magnus is really getting into this group he joined. He always has his friends, the Almighty Latin Kings, over and they stay in his room for hours listening to really loud lute music with the door locked.

The chambermaids have reported the strong smell of glue coming from the room, but Magnus assured me they are just building crafts in there.

He has seemed really nervous the last few weeks though. He is very jumpy and uneasy when in public and he goes everywhere surrounded by his friends.

I guess that drive by arrowing of those Trodelag Crips at Ye Olde Mall last month has him really nervous, but I don’t know why though, church groups don’t really need to worry about gang wars.













I got so distracted worrying about my brother, I forgot to mention that the Earl of Oppland, the Earl of Rogaland and the Duke of Orkney have all risen up in rebellion, claiming the throne for themselves.

I am really starting to think that the great vassals aren’t so great after all.













Now Jamtland has rebelled. Guys, we are still at war with Sweden, can’t you all betray me after that gets settled?













I don’t know who the Narkes are, but they just conquered one of my few loyal vassals. I’d give him another territory to rule over, but I never did learn what his name was.













Today a short tubby man with giant mustaches and red overalls came into my court. He unrolled a scroll and announced, “Today-a de mighty Count of Cremona has declared-a war upon you because-a he is de rightful king-a of all-a Noway.”

I was shocked. Cremona? Was this some sort of gag? I had him chased out of the castle by dogs.













Now the Duke of Karnten declared war on me and so did the King of Burgundy. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re friends with the Cremona guy?

Also, Jamtland offered me a whole pound of gold if I would let them go in peace.

I took it. I got bigger problems right now.













I got some more good news today: Osraige finally was recovered. Yep. Sweden, my traitorous “great vassals”, Burgundy, some pagans, a German Duke, and those Cremona guys are all planning to dismember the country, but good old Osraige has been recovered. We’re saved now fellows!​

Skofte Ossorsson Crovan

King of Norway


Grumblings about the early years, 1143-1144












The chronic debt of the Crown attracts usurious moneylenders like a child-king attracts disloyal, traitorous vassals.












The King of Sweden demands a weird scattering of mostly useless territories in exchange for peace. I hope he enjoys Lappland and Ireland as much as I have.












The Papal Nuncio stopped by my court today and let me know that unless I stop this whole lay investiture thing, the Pope would be excommunicating me. I didn’t really understand what all of that meant so I asked my advisors what was going on.


My advisors explained that if I didn’t give up the right to appoint the bishops in Norway and also give up my right to tax them, the Pope would tell my vassals to rebel against me. Also, he would condemn me to Hell.

Since my vassals already rebel against me and my kingdom is a hellhole, I didn’t really see much point in also getting even poorer.

Now I have a much cooler nickname…instead of Skofte the Boy-King, I get to be called King Skofte the Heretic, which sounds pretty tough if you ask me.











Apparantly, Skofte the Heretic does strike fear into his foes! Orkney gives me Caithness in exchange for peace.











So many of my vassals are in open rebellion, it is easy to forget who I am fighting and who is merely ignoring my orders. For example: Oppland. Apparently they are currently rebelling.











Now the Duke of Trondelag declares war on me, taking the strategic ice and walrus reserves of the country with them.











Archbishop Louis of Askershus sent me a very sarcastic message, “praising” my wise rule under the feudal contract and telling me how excited he is to have me for his liege lord. According to my cheat sheet, I am not currently at war with him, but doubtless he will rebel soon enough.











And the Bishop of Laigin surrenders. When I think on it, maybe I should have taken the Pope up on his offer. At least then I’d have someone to blame when the Bishops inevitably rebel.











Down goes the treacherous Bishop of Rogaland. You will notice that the Archbishop of Askershus is his ally. Gee, I wonder who is going to stab me in the back next.











Today, I got a small break from the endless stream of treachery, rebellion and backstabbing that makes up my realm. My dear great-uncle Aslak the Mad came to visit. He is a little bit touched, but that seems to run in the family, so we don’t hold it against him.

We had a nice chat about swamps and how delighted he was to be master of so many nice swamps instead of King of all Norway, which he almost got to be. Then he spent a lot of time talking about frogs. I think he killed every frog in Ireland. He claimed he was only finishing the work St. Patrick started.

In one of his more lucid (I think) moments, he told me that he wanted nothing more that to “smother your miserable life the same way I did your grand-pappy.” Then he roared and chased after me. My bodyguards had to beat him unconscious with stout rods.

Once he regained consciousness, he spent most of the afternoon splayed out on the dining room table yelling “don’t eat me!” to everyone he saw. Apparently he’d decided he was a cabbage.

I’m sure going to miss crazy uncle Aslak when he inevitably betrays me.​