Red Star Over China

Le Ran said:

I can't believe I didn't find this AAR earlier. It's just plain excellent! Go Mao! Show them capitalist pigdogs!


Continue to criticize Buddha (or Buddha toasts actually) and don't be surprised if Tibet falls upon you like a ton of bricks

Click to expand...

Thanks! I also love your AAR

And what is Tibet going to do about it, huh? Send in the yaks? Or the T-14s? Seems to me that the last time Tibet and Communist China fought, you got annexed!

Golmud, June 12, 1936

Ma Hongkui looked around the meeting room. All three or four Mas had arrived. "Well then, I guess we can start this meeting" he said, "The Communists are at the gates. Anyone have any ideas to stop them?"



"We could go out and fight them ourselves." said Ma Hongbin.

Ma Hongkui gets up, grabs Ma Hongbin's nose, and strikes his fist downwards. It makes a honking sound.

"Nyuk nyuk nyuk!" laughed Ma Hongbin.

"You Chowderhead! We need to stop the Communists!"

"What's the big idea?" asked Ma Bufang.

"I'll show you what the big idea is," replied Ma Hongkui. "Pick two fingers."

Ma Bufang pointed at Ma Hongkui's middle and index fingers. "One, two." Ma Hongkui immediately poked him in the eyes with his two fingers. "OWWWWWWW!" he shouted in pain.

Ma Hongbin, in an effort to prevent himself from befalling a similar injury, holds his hand perpindicular to his face to block Ma Hongkui's hand. Ma Hongkui then pokes him in the eyes with the index finger of each hand, rendering his attempt to block it a failure. "OWWWWWW!" he shouted.



"You guys are having so much fun without me," cried Ma Buqing. "It's not fair!"

"Fine, you can be Joe Besser," muttered Ma Hongkui.

"Awwwww, but no one likes Joe Besser," replied Ma Buqing.

"Fine, you can be Shemp. ZI SHEN, IF YOU'RE EAVESDROPPING AGAIN, YOU'RE DEMOTED TO JOE BESSER. AND TELL FANG JING HE CAN BE CURLY JOE." shouted Ma Hongkui.

"Eeeb-eeeb-eeeb-eeeb!" exclaimed Ma Buqing in excitement, as the sound of Zi Shen muttering on the other side of the door was heard by all.

"Okay, here's the plan," said Ma Hongkui as he pulled out a pistol. "Hongbin, you take this gun and go kill some commies."

"Soitenly! let me just make a note of that," replied Ma Hongbin as he pulled out a pen and a pad of paper. "How do you spell commies?"

"Like this!" shouted Ma Hongkui as he picked up the gun and started pistol whipping Ma Hongbin over the head with it, although to his dismay, the gun broke.

"You chucklehead! You broke the gun!" exclaimed Ma Hongkui. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"DAMMIT ZI SHEN, STOP THE EAVESDROPPING AND KILL THE COMMIES!"

Mao Zedong kicked in the door and slapped all 3.5 Mas in one swift motion.

"Why I oughta..." said Ma Hongkui as Mao slapped him again.

KorPlayer,

Thanks! glad ya like it!

lifeless,

Perhaps... but first we have to celebrate at the First Annual We Annexed Xibei San Ma Party!

stnylan,

Yup... wait till we "unify" the rest of the warlords...

Jakalo,

Thanks. I put a couple men on each border to in the south, and sent the bulk of my forces into Jinchang. From there I attacked Dunhuang with 3 MTN and 2 INF and support from Jinchang. Once I got into Dunhuang, I re-orged for a bit and then attacked with the 3 MTN using the 2 INF as support. Exactly 10 hours later, I attacked Xining from Jinchang with 4 inf and the guys on Lanzhou as support so they would arrive in Xining at the same time as the inf attacking Golmud, and once they arrived, I annexed them before Nat Chi had the chance (it usually takes them a couple hours once CXB loses one of its VP provinces).

Felkethar,

Thanks! Nice to know I'm not the only one who looks insane!

Golmud, June 2, 1936



The Communists entered Golmud and Xining on June 2nd, 1936 at 2:00. And there was much rejoicing. 2:00 turned into 3:00. 3:00 turned into 4:00 4:00 decided to give 5:00 and 6:00 a break and go right into 7:00. Since Mao needed a snack, they ate the Ma brothers. And there was much rejoicing. Except For Ma Buqing, because he doesn't count. And there was much rejoicing.



Meanwhile, in a tent in Golmud...

"Dun dun dunnnnnnn! Dun dun dun-dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Dun dun dunnnnnnnn! dun dun!" shouted Li Kenong to the tune of Smoke on the Water at the First Annual We Annexed Xibei San Ma Party.

"Okay, first, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is on, not Smoke on the Water," said Comrade Brian as he looked at Li Kenong and the cloud of smoke hanging around him. "Second, you have just consumed the national supply of chips."

"Don't worry, I'll just call for a pizza delivery. Wang! What's Mussolini's number?"

"I'm not telling you, it would ruin our international relations. AND CALL ME DICK, YOU F***ING STONER!" replied Wang.

"Relax, man, it's not like our relations will get any worse after you slept with his daughter."

"Yeah, Ciano's still pissed over that. It's 222-2222, ok?" replied Wang.

"Ok," replied Li as he picked up the phone. "222-2222."

"Il Duce's Pizza, this is Benito speaking, how may I help you?" asked the guy on the other end.

"I'd like to order a large meat lovers, a large Hawaiian, a large pepperoni., and uh, hold on for a sec, anyone want some breadsticks?"

"Sure, I'll have some," replied Mao.

"Okay, and some breadsticks," said Li.

"All right, a large meat lovers, a large hawaiian, a large pepperoni and an order of breadsticks. That'll come to 34.2 rares."

"Oh, and get a 2-litre of Pepsi!" shouted Wang.

"I know that voice," said Benito. "Who is that?"

"Oh, that's just my buddy Wang," replied Li.

"NO PIZZA FOR YOU!" shouted Mussolini before he slammed the phone down.

Li hung up the phone. "Well, at least this went better than when I went to get some soup from the soup nazi."

"Well, that's because instead of a soup chef, you went to see Adolf Hitler, who is an actual nazi, and not a soup chef," replied Mao.

"Hmmmm, that explains why the soup tasted a little off," replied Li.

"This party is so lame," said Xie.

"Not as lame as breaking the fourth wall," replied Li.

"Shut up!" shouted Comrade Brian.

Yan'an, June 12, 1936

The First Annual We Annexed Xibei San Ma Party was in progress, when Comrade Brian began to plan an offensive against the Nationalists.

"Where's Zhu De?!" asked Comrade Brian. "As chief of staff and chief of the army he should be working on our next offensive!"

"Over there," replied Mao, as he pointed to a couch with several beer bottles around it. Zhu De was passed out on in.

"5 empties? What a lightweight," replied Comrade Brian. "Well, then I will send his clone to command our attacking forces. He drew some notes and a sketch of the map and handed it to a messenger. "Give this to Zhu De. Tell him that this is the plan of attack for recapturing Tianshui."



"He's right over there, passed out on the couch," replied the messenger.

"No, the clone Zhu De in Pingliang."

"Oh, okay," replied the messenger as he ran off with the message.

Pingliang, June 12, 1936

Zhu De read over the message. "Okay, we must attack Tianshui. Lets go!" he shouted to his soldiers and minstrels. The minstrels began to sing...

Bravely bold Zhu De,
Rode forth from Pingliang
He was not afraid to die,
Oh brave Zhu De,

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
Brave, brave, brave, brave Zhu De

He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out
And his elbows broken

To have his head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
and his bowels unplugged

His nostrils raped
and his bottom burned off
and his--

"Right, that's enough of that singing," interrupted Zhu De.

A few hours later...

Zhu De has run away
Zhu De has run away away

When danger reared its ugly head
Brave Zhu De has turned and fled
Yes brave Zhu De had turned about
And gallantly he chickened out

Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, Zhu De

"I think Mao needs another snack," mumbled Zhu De.

stynlan,

yup... what is a humour AAR without at least one Monty Python reference?

KorPlayer,

I have this game played out a few months in advance... I'm going for the big fish

VILenin,

The smart money is on the Simpsons

therev,

glad everyone likes my recycled Monty Python... this means I don't have to bother being original!

I might have to put this AAR on hold for a while

I just got 23% on a term test and my first reaction was "Woohoo! I did better than I thought I did!"

That's a sign that I need to focus on other things until around noon on Dec. 11... we'll see how this goes, but this AAR isn't dead, just in a persistent vegetative state. Just please don't make a big deal about its feeding tube...