Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

So - back to business.

When we left Suenik last time, I had just completed the glorious and successful liberation of Nubia from the heathen. Lovely as this was, it was also costly so I had to make some hard decisions as to who would bear the cost...



That's right - my vassals. What else are they good for apart from random rebellions?



Ah - see? Spoke to soon. Which little monkey is going to have to be brought back into the fold now?



There's something about Edessa. If it's not the EMIR of Edessa it's the count of Edessa... Guess I'll turn my Nubia-liberating-forces back in Edessa's direction then.

He clearly hadn't anticipated this and tries to explain that he wants to simply live in peace and harmony. He even offers some money to show just how much he wants to live in peace.



I point out to him that I can't hear a word he's saying over the sounds of men dying in battle, trebuchets letting rip and his castle walls crumbling.



A few months later and he's hanging his head in shame and promising to be a good little boy again. I take his Principality away from him and put it into the "bad Princes who can't behave" box.




Not so "Oshin" now, are we?

As I'm mid gloat I get the news that some miracle workers have been spotted off the east coast.



...

Everything is proceeding peacefully when one of the Gardman-Aghbanias decides to prove to the world, in that inimitable Gardman-Aghbania way, that there sure as heck isn't anything wrong with our genes!



Cousin Gurgen learns why marrying cousins is bad.

To further cement my anexity my wife dies.



Her dying wish is to have the words "The marrow was the best" engraved on her tomb door. No idea what she means.

I grieve for an appropriate period of time before choosing to marry again. My peers all make numerous lewd remarks about my choice of weak-will, romantic sixteen year old (with a few opining what a winning combination of character traits that was) but I point out that I'm celibate.



Those sort of feelings hold no sway over me anymore.



Oh. Look - stop smirking like that; I'm sure I'll keep to my vow. I've a saint hood to think about.

My marshal (still wearing a dress) turns up and bemoans the fact that his wife wasn't too keen on my continually making him do the "I wet my pants and ran away" dance and that she's now off after a "real man".



When I laugh he looks like I've kicked him.

After the sobbing little girl who is supreme commander of my forces leaves, I am assailed by a barage of messengers all wanting to tell me different things (NOTE: this all occured in the space of seconds):






Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

I need a new bishop.

And new genes.

Will Bagrat get new genes? Will he get a new bishop? Will he get a chance to simply sit and administer the realm peacefullY? Find out in the next exciting epiisode od Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Kanil said:

So Grigor died of old age, stress, and getting stabbed in the back at the same time?

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Suenik's a tough place to live in!

TheExecuter said:

Can't believe I haven't *subscribed* to this yet...

Still laughing my way through...and hoping for another mad, pagan King...

:rofl:

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Welcome aboard and I'm glad I'm amusing you!

Have you ever been in a situation where you've gone ahead and done something, only to think later on (usually after the smoke has cleared and the debris has stopped falling) "Why the hell did I do that"?

And, if you have ever been in such a situation, did you find yourself slapping your forehead later on and going "Man - if only I had paid attention"?

Suenik's just had a teeny-weeny crisis a bit like that...

Behold! The Sheikdom of Trapezous!



I got pretty annoyed when I saw this. "Traitorous little sod!" I thought, "thinking he can sneak out of the Empire like that!"

Naturally, I declare war on the little punk and set my host a-marching!

Unfortunately, I wasn't paying much in the way of attention (truth be told, I think I was still on a "liberating Nubia from the opression of the Arabs" high)... Usually I'd expect a messenger to come to me and inform me that someone had decided to cede from the Empire, but I didn't get one in this case (I put this down to me - ha, the irony! - not paying attention). However, Trapezous has a coat of arms very similar to the of a count I remember being part of my Empire so he must be a traitor.

Right?

Wrong.

The erstwhile Sheik, it seems, had recently left the Sultanate of the Seljuk Turks and was understandably rather surprised when he received my declaration of war (complete with all its fist-shaking and accusations of treason). However, his initial dismay was cast aside when his new friend, the King of Egypt, accept his offer of vassalisation.



Yup - how to start a regional war by not paying attention!

I manage to confuse the Sheik of Trapezous big style by storming his palace, dragging him to the negotiating table and explaining how magnanimous I'm being by letting him return to the bosom of mother Suenik (but with a caveat that should he stray again my wrath will be great)! Slightly baffled he agrees.



The war, off to a good start, takes a turn for the worse when Basileios, bereft of wife and pride, trips on his dress and gets trampeled underfoot by the first batallion of the Suenik Royal Guard.



I supress a snigger, express my deep regret at his injuries and advise him that he no longer has to wear the Dress of Shame. He makes sure that nobody is listening and confesses that he really rather likes it and could I not just kid on to still be peeved at him so he has to continue to wear it?

Not liking where this is going (or the look in Basileios' eyes) I take this as my cue to leave.

So, the war trundles on. There's a bit of this...



...and a bit of that...



...and a bit of this...



...and a bit of that...



(I might dig out a Dress of Shame for Khajag when he gets home - he may sound like a Klingon but he's got all the military common-sense of a pudding)

The whole horrid war business really gets to poor old mad Gurgen and he decides to follow a host of past Gardman-Aghbanias into the next world.



I always thought the Good Book was pretty down on suicide, but I'm also sure it said something about not coveting thy neighbour's wife (or was that ox?) and Suenik's seen its fair share of wife-seducing clergymen to call that into doubt.

Eventually, after everyone's grown rather bored of all this too-ing and fro-ing I settle things once and for all by meeting the King of the Fatimids in mortal combat and whupping his bitch-ass into next week.



His successor, some snotty seven year old, agrees that we should just forget the whole sorry business and put it behind us. Enternal peace beckons once more...



I take a quick time out to hand over all the Edessa titles to someone half way competant in hope that he won't be affected by whatever malady grips Counts and Princes of Edessa and turns them into idiots capable of acts of such brain-melting stupidity that they frequently start wars with regional powers.




Oi! You at the back! I heard that! The war we've just come out of with a regional power was caused by a break down in communication, not stupidity! Got it?

Right... Let's take a quick look at the court...



Everything's looking pretty good, apart from the fact that we're missing a bishop. I guess I'll have to pack some sprog off to the monastery or hope that the Patriarch, God bless His wisdom, decides to send us some sex-pest or fundamentalist nut-job who's displeased him to fill the post. I'm pious enough - I should be attracting quality!

Speaking of quality, I've had about a gazillion requests from various nobles to marry my cute little Steward.



Unfortuantely, she's so good at her job I've taken some time out to explain that, unless some young man at this court takes a shine to her, she's going to have to resign herself to living as and dying as a virgin. However, I then go onto explain how it's not all bad and that there's this amazing thing called celibacy. I begin to go on about how great it's been for me and I can already see the joy in her eyes. In fact, she's so happy that she starts weeping uncontrollably. Bagrat - the Bringer of Joy!

I'm further cheered when I learn that my "awesome coats of arms of the world competition" has clearly been spreading. Some erstwhile souls in Zadar (never heard of it) rise up against their opressors and declare their independance, complete with this beaut of a CoA.



They'll probably only survive a week or so before the al-Murabitids crush them like insects, but imagine going into battle with that bad boy on your chest!

My sunny mood is shattered when it becomes apparent that my only daughter has decided to wear the family "mad as a box of frogs" hat for the day.



I point out to her that she's a tactless mule and that as a princess she turn to her (step) mother, the queen, to learn how to behave like royalty. She archly replies that her new mother is a flighty teenager while she's near to crossing the wrong side of thirty and that the only thing she's likely to learn from the queen is how to talk a stupid, old but fantastically rich man into marrying her.

Bah.

I don't care what she thinks!



Is Bagrat going soft in his old age? Who will be the next family member to go mental? When and where will the next bushfire war start? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!

Snugglie - I'm glad you're enjoying it!

Murmurandus - Not as much as Bishop Levon used to manage to - I believe he had three women on the go at one point...

Devin Perry - I know - and surprisingly Bagrat is Suenik's longest lived ruler (I think). Considering the smouldering pile of crap he inherited from Krikor that's a real turn up for the books. All he really wants to do is sit and build but wars keep starting and draining all his cash away. Poor Bagrat.

Raaritsgozilla: She was crying with joy, remember? And yeah, that seven year old is smart - I'm going to have to keep an eye on him...

Enewald: You're probably right. I think the computer has stopped prompting me because it's just assumes I know it's happening!

Farquharson: See above. She's probably had half the court by now and is simply smiling nicely every time Bagrat walks past.

praxiteles: Why don't I renounce my claims? Simple - I keep forgetting As for smoothing out the borders, Bagrat is a Man of Peace (TM) and all he wants to do is settle down and build stuff. Unfortunately people keep rebeling and that keeps draining away the ol' treasury! Oh, and there's no chance of the dynasty ever being happy - as you very astutely pointed out Bagrat's heir's name means "servant of the miserable/wierd/generally messed up one". I'll post a screen gab of the heir soon. And don't worry about badboy - I'm in this for the roleplay so if it doesn't suit the ruler's personality I won't go out of my way to reduce it.