Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR

Peace once more reigns.

I don't know what the rest of you are like, but I know that after a minor insurrection there's nothing I like better than a bit of house-cleaning - taking a look at my staff and deciding if there are any more suitable (and more loyal!) candidates for the job.

Anyway, I have my whole court lined up and I'm asking them all the usual questions when I stumble across (not literally - he wasn't lying on the floor or anything) this guy...



We get talking (because I'm suspicious and he's shifty looking) and it turns out that he's the (alleged) pretender to the throne of Nubia! Now those of you who are keeping up with their history will know that the King of Nubia got kicked out of Nubia proper round about 1107, set up his court in Sudan, lost that to some disloyal so-and-so who proclaimed himself Count of Sudan and then lost his last remaining province to a bunch of rebels. Mad King Krikor took the King and his court in as refugees in about 1109. It seems that this fellow is the last of the line.

Putting on my "Bagrat the Just" hat I listen to his tale of woe and decide to do something about it. After all, I've got a wee bit of a bee in my bonnet (or Hat of Justice if you'd prefer) at the moment about loyalty, so this seems as good an oppertunity as any to follow up on these convictions.

Therefore, I have my chancellor drum up some spurious claim to the crown of Sudan...



...and set forth to liberate Nubia!

On the way a bunch of Krikor's former buddies have a moan about my army tramping over their holy shrines en route to Nubia.



I respond with reasoned argument and a cavalry charge. One day they'll learn...

Meanwhile the clergy, never ones to let an oppertunity pass, come to my court and claim the war to liberate Nubia is devastating the land and they need help bringing relief to the people.



I'm tempting to tell the sponging gits to poke it, but I am Bagrat the Pious after all, so I throw some coinage at them. I'll get my reward in Heaven I'm sure (even if it does feel like I'm bribing my way there).

Meanwhile, the Western world decides that it has had enough of running around the Middle East behaving like hooligans.



Behold! For this, the 600th screenshot, let the world know that I, Bagrat the Just, am also Bagrat the Far Travelled! Nobody from my Kingdom has EVER been this far before! I should have brought along the court artist to commision a painting of me standing looking Just, Pious and Far Travelled on the bow of my ship.



Eventually my force disembarks and we tramp our way down to Sudan. The Count's waiting for us but that's of little consequence since my army, rather unsportingly, outnumbers his about six to one.



Much screaming and bleeding ensues.

Eventually the horrible little count agrees that what he (or his forebearers or whoever) did was very, very wrong and that he shouldn't have seized power and that he'll go back to working in the fields right now.



I take a look around my latest aquisition.

Man - this IS a desolate craphole...

However, I've got a job to do, so I declare war on the Sheik of Nubia. It appears he comes with friends, some of whom decide to pick on my son and his chums.



This is going to be interesting...



...or, to put it another way, a walk in the park. Or the sand, depending on how you look at it. I don't think Nubia has parks.

The Sheik of Nubia sends some snivelling messenger to me and tries to bribe me away from my true and just cause...



Ha! He thinks I'm going to accept THAT!?!?

(besides, wasn't Jaffar the baddy from Aladdin?)

A few days later and Nubia is mine!



Great success!

I then employ a Grigor Defence and offer the remaining two pieces of gold in the treasury to the Emir of Arabs in return for him forgetting that this ever happened.



To be honest, I could probably take him in a fight, but I really can't be bothered. My boys are tired and want to go home.

We return as conquering heroes and I tell Ghazi the good news.




Turns out he's a bit of an ungrateful little sod...



...but I don't let this bother me. For I am Bagrat the Liberator!



All hail Mighty Suenik!

Will Bagrat continue to rule in a wise and just manner? Will the hereditary maddness of the Gardman-Aghbanias catch up with him? Has Suenik entered the world stage as a nation builder? Stay tuned and find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik - land of the beleaguered!

NOTE FOR THE CURIOUS:

I should point out that I had to mod the save file to make the title of "King of Nubia" reappear. It seems it's one of these titles that implodes once it's lost. Given that I controlled 66% of the area that the title starts with, and given that I was handing it away as soon as I received it I didn't feel too bad doing this.

Anyway, I thought I'd let you all know because I suspect that someone was going to ask!

jordarkelf - Thanks very much! Glad you enjoyed it! You know this is all your fault, right? If it wasn't for you I'd be doing some nice, sane, normal AAR instead of this frantic gibberish!

Nodscouterr - Well, I'm enjoying Enron12's AAR so much I felt that given that I had a Nubian (or someone who seemed to be a Nubian anyway) skulking around my court that it would be a bit rude not to help him out!

Murmurandus - Quite. But Bagrat the Liberator is also Bagrat the Pious so he's willing to forgive...up to a point of course...

AllmyJames - Funnily enough I'm keeping an eye on him and waiting to see if he blows it all. THEN I'll be angry.

Enewald - Rival? Hah! I could crush him like a bug if I wanted to </famous-last-words>

What's that? It's very bright. And it's up in the sky...

It's getting closer...



Eek!

Ok... That's odd. Do they come in peace?



Oh no. That's not good.

Well, best send the troops into battle. I'm not having some little green men tear apart the Empire!



Let's see how clever they are when they come up against the might of Suenik's military!



Oh.

Was that fire they were shooting from their wrists?

It certainly LOOKED like fire!



And now they're setting fire to the capital! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Come, brave people of Suenik! Let us stand and fight...



Guys?

What are you running from?



WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!

They're...they're...EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!



HELP M...ah...phew.

That was one messed up dream...

Mental note - no more cheese sandwiches before bed.

So...back to the matter in hand.

Oh yeah. The Emir of Sistan. He's still peeved at the Empire following my glorious war to liberate Nubia. Guess it's time to send an army his way....



I agree. I really, really, REALLY can't be bothered sending my forces all the way to the other side of the map to take one measly province from some guy who's annoyed at my son for some reason. So we kiss and make up.

Anyway, time for PEOPLE WATCH (1131). We've not had one for a while.

First up - the new King of Nubia:



Yup, one year on and he's not managed to chuck it away yet. I'll be keeping my beady eye on him though - don't want all my hard work going to waste...

Next up, the King of Nubia's new wife:



That man's got taste. She's young, nubile and her stats are...well...pretty good all round. And she's got a cool name.

However, from cool to crap. Here's the King of France:



Nobody respects him, the Pope thinks he's a dick, he has no successors and...well...take a look at this...



And I thought I had it bad when I took over from mad old Krikor and had to fight a war with everyone he'd managed to piss off! Me thinks that the Capet dynasty is soon to be consigned to the dustbin of history.

Fun as that was, here's something completely off the wall.



Heeeeeeey! A-here's a thee Keeeeeng of-a Sweden!

Yes - the Kingdom of Sweden (a few paltry provinces that the Scots haven't yet managed to wrest from the Swedes) is now administered from the northern Italian province of Monferrato.

By an Italian.

But not just any Italian. Oh no. This is the offspring of the inbred Count of Monferrato who we had a look at many updates ago.

Unbelievable.

Next up we have Bagrat's count down of "Hardest Looking Coats of Arms".

In at number four we have...



Much as I love my shiny crest I'd much rather have a legless black and red dragon thing roaring out its message of defiance!

However, he's not as good as number three...



He's still got the whole dragony thing going on, but this time there's a picture of him kicking it's sorry behind, spearing it through the heart and wearing cool armour with wings on it. I might attack Moskva just to have this crest.

Moving away from dragons, we have number two...



Yup - this guy may be naturally crap at pretty much everything, but his coat of arms says "Want my crown? Come and try and take it off my giant scorpion! Yeah baby!"

But, in at number one we have...



Yes. Not only does his coat of arms feature a massive black bear wielding a sword, this guy could bite metal bars in two (check out the jaw muscles!), is a genuine superhuman (check out the stats) and he's called ARNE!!! I think he's the only thing stopping the Scots conquering all of Sweden!

Anyway, hope you enjoyed that little peek into the world of the great and the good (ha!) of 1131. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

Judas Maccabeus - John Wayne. Or perhaps Arnie!

Cromelex - Apologies about the spillages - I'll take it as a compliment!

praxiteles - Tell your boss to buy CK and then read the AARs here - (s)he will thank you for it!

Enewald - Never! I may try and conquer them (if I could find them on a map). I can see a mad quest in Bagrat's mind to get the manliest shield ever. I wonder - could he abdicate and settle down happily as the Count of Satakunta?

Murmurandus - you're too kind!

Enron12 - I thought there might be something for you in the Nubia update Glad you enjoyed it.

sonofliber - thanks very much - I'm always very flattered when a lurker takes the time out to post and say (s)he's enjoying an AAR. (I do still love the rest of you guys too though!).